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Jerome Albertson's Profile

Customer Reviews: 63
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Helpful Votes: 4659

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Jerome Albertson RSS Feed (Topeka, KS)

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SURGE, 12 ct, 16 FL OZ Cans
SURGE, 12 ct, 16 FL OZ Cans
Price: $58.00
46 used & new from $46.99

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars SURGE to SUCCESS, September 19, 2014
Back in the '90s, this was my go-to drink for all occasions. A thirst quencher and an answer to so many questions:

Feeling parched on a hot day? Open up a Surge.
Need something warm on a cold day? Heat up some Surge.
Spot a cute lady at the other end of the bar? Have the barkeep send her a Surge, and see where the night leads.
Holding onto a quart of Smirnoff, but nothing to mix it with? Why hello there, you big bottle of Surge!
Is the kid not keeping quiet during his court-ordered visitation with you? Fill his bottle up with 8 ounces of Surge and 2 shots of Wild Turkey, then throw a hot Barney episode on the VCR. (Classic '90s babysitting "hack"!)

The possibilities were endless.
Did you soil yourself during the 1997 Jones County Corn Days Parade? Better replace those fluids with some Surge.
Need quick energy after passing out on the park bench? Bet there's some Surge tucked in your pants, if you can find them.
Stuck with an overheated car? Open the radiator cap, insert 2 liters of Surge, and you are good to go.
Cornered in an alley by a knife-wielding mugger? A splash of Surge straight to the eyes brings instant justice to a thief while you walk away unharmed to the next friendly Surge vendor.
Don't feel like buying champagne for your brother's stupid housewarming party? Let those pompous jerks pop open a bubbly bottle of Surge instead!

So many uses for such a simple (yet extreme) product back in those days! Why did it ever go away? Much blame falls our failing government, and those envious fat-cats at Mountain Dew headquarters.

Then one day at the library internet section, as I researched whether it was true that Steven Seagal used to soak his ponytail in Surge while oiling himself, Two-Fingers Tony pointed out that Surge is back and on Amazon! My jaw dropped and my throat clenched, craving the sweet green nectar. Though Tony and I were asked to leave the library for unrelated reasons, I obtained Internet access to post this review elsewhere. People have to know that America's #1 soft drink is "surging" back to our lives and is worth every penny! As soon as these cases become available again, I will spend whatever it takes and deal with the child support agency later. (Besides, what's more important to my kid's welfare than having access to a fridge full of SURGE every 3rd weekend?)

5 Stars for the extreme taste and energy of Surge! Who knows, I might have to pick up rollerblading again...

People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
by Gary Leon Hill
Edition: Paperback
Price: $13.81
53 used & new from $2.24

5 of 7 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Ghostly Gamble, April 3, 2014
I got this book during a stretch when I had a lot of dead people (who didn't know it) attaching themselves to me. I didn't know what to do about it! The aggravation was endless. You know that feeling when you have gum stuck to your shoe, and you can't get it off? Well, just imagine that "gum" being a dead person who thinks he is alive, and has the right to ask you for money and rides to the liquor store.

Thankfully, this book gives clear examples of what happens when dead people attach themselves to you. And what you can do about it. In its own storytelling way, the book lets you know what to do in real life to treat dead-people-who-don't-know-it.

For example, a dead gambler once attached to me and kept asking for football updates and lottery tickets. For a while, I just went with it. I spent a lot of time skipping work and hitting the racetracks - and the bottle. My boss and family were quite upset with the behavior, I have to admit. "If you have a problem with it, talk to the disembodied ghost of a dead bettor that has attached himself to my body," I would tell them.

When that ghost finally got the hint and left, another one attached, then another. For some reason, all of these ghosts were lousy drunks with severe gambling problems. Terrible with women, too. "Can't come home now, Ruth," I'd tell the wife. "Another guy who's dead - and doesn't know it - has attached himself and taken me to the Mohawk Casino. He's a real piece of work!"

After my divorce, these hauntings continued. None of which were by ghosts who could handle their liquor or successfully pick up women at bars. I was miserable and lonely, with no friends but the dead people I was attached to.

This book gave me the courage to confront these people and take control of my life. While I'm still stuck with alcohol & betting addictions and a weight problem that these ghostly gamblers caused, I am alive - and I know it!

CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad
CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad
Price: $36.88
37 used & new from $28.22

13 of 19 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Watch the Throne, January 21, 2014
This sweet seat takes a backseat to no other tablet-ready toilet on the market! Face it, fellow parents: potty training a child is hard enough. Especially when you only have so many court-ordered hours of visitation each month. That's where the CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty steps in and does the training for ya!

Now, I should mention this toilet doesn't come with the iPad. You'll need to buy your own. Or, as I'm doing, you can click "like" and share all the cool Facebook contests where they offer you a FREE iPad! I'm bound to hit any day now. So can you.

In the meantime, I've got a collection of TV Guides and gentlemen's magazines that keep Randy content while he uses the can. All those pictures and words get his little mind racin', so he's learning too! A combination of learning and s***ting. Ha ha, now let's see my ex and the judge prove who the "better parent" is!

I give this product 5 STARS, and recommend that everybody get a throne like this for their little princes. Can't wait until next year, when they launch the adult-size version of iPotty. Those snobs at Burger King with their "purchased required" bathrooms will have another thing coming then...
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jan 21, 2014 2:46 PM PST

Grown Ups 2
Grown Ups 2

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Jump for jokes!, January 1, 2014
This review is from: Grown Ups 2 (Amazon Instant Video)
I made the mistake of seeing this sequel without watching the original first. So I was lost on some of the plot developments. For example, why does the scrawny white guy with the mean jokes and bad attitude have money & success in this movie? I'm guessing he won the lottery or a personal-injury settlement in the first movie. But I missed that part. It was easier for me to keep pace with the parts of the movie that focused on farting and urination.

As a "King of Queens" fan, I was excited to see that Kevin James successfully auditioned for a role in this movie. What a great casting choice, as this movie perfectly showcases the humor of America's top comedian. Another great casting choice was Shaq O'Neal, the basketball player. I like where they're going with that. I hope Grown-Ups 3 will feature more Shaq and more basketball, maybe even a basketball competition where they have to beat aliens.

Now, I kept waiting all movie long for an explosion scene where the guys have to jump for safety like they do on the movie's poster. However, there was no scene of an explosion or even a skydiving adventure. I emailed the director about this lack of jumping and have not received a response. So I'm not giving out 5 Stars until we get that issue cleared up.

All in all, this was a great movie about what happens when guys "grow up" and have to deal with kids. The movie also proves - contrary to my ex's opinion - that it is OK to use offensive humor around children. Take that, Kathy!

3 STARS for a film that showcases the comedic - but not jumping - abilities of these legendary actors!

No Title Available

3 of 6 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars An Unlucky Bounce, December 11, 2013
Stuff got weird between me and my ex a while back, and the judge handed down yet another "no contact" order. Even worse, she sentenced me to 30 days in the Matrix Zorb Inflatable Human Hamster Ball. "No contact means no contact," this know-it-all judge told me. Then I got docked with a $200 fine plus $1,639.99 in costs for the human hamster ball. You know how much copper wire I had to steal & sell to cover that? They have to reduce the price of this item.

By far, this 10-foot diameter inflatable ball was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had to wear. Getting on the bus to work became impossible. Standard bus doors aren't equipped for passengers in hamster balls these days. So I had to gently roll alongside the bus as it followed its route to my building. I work outside, so doors aren't an issue there. But fitting into my sandwich board to advertise the "loco" deals at Hector's Used Cars & Tacos was another story. I don't recommend wearing the Matrix Zorb Hamster Ball to work, especially if your job involves handing out flyers and taco meat.

Thinking about having a couple brewskis while you relax inside your inflatable nylon cocoon? Think again. I had to go stone cold sober until Ray Jablonski figured out how to funnel MGD through the lining of this thing. Still, I had to tone down my partygoing ways with the giant hamster ball on. Yeah, it gets you noticed by ladies. But it also gets you bouncing around in the pool while a bunch of clueless idiots play water volleyball with you. You'd like to see more respect for a man wearing $1,639 worth of attire.

Other problems I experienced with the product included handling door keys, getting to the phone in time, standing in place, making hamburgers, purchasing pornography, driving, and checking on my ex while she's at work.

I give the inflatable human hamster ball a couple stars because it was fun to roll in and protected me from stray dogs when I'd black out at the park.

I recommend this to people who have flexible schedules, lots of open space, and live in a town without hills or soccer teams.

Hamster balls - they're not just for hamsters or court-sanctioned stalkers anymore.

Marshall Pet Holiday Antlers for Ferrets and Small Animals
Marshall Pet Holiday Antlers for Ferrets and Small Animals
Price: $9.50

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Horns for the Holidays!, December 11, 2013
It's the most wonderful time of the year... to make your ferrets look like deer! I got this after yet another DUD of a holiday party where my ferret Steve just sat on the snack table with nothing festive on his head. The shocked looks on my guests' faces said it all: Steve not only destroyed the bowl of chex mix -- he destroyed the spirit of Christmas at my party! I was not surprised to hear that 4 of my party guests were hospitalized within hours of leaving my party. What the doctors called "E-Coli", I knew to be a sickening lack of holiday cheer from Steve the ferret and Jumbo, my hungriest rat. Never again would Jumbo get near my cheese tray without proper holiday adornments!

Since I strapped these antlers on my ferret, rat, and other small animals, there have been few complaints or even alleged food poisonings. The only complaint is from my guinea pig that can't pull his "hide in the fruit salad" party trick anymore. Not with those antlers sticking out of the grapes! Busted! As for my rats, you can hear those furballs jingling all the way down the halls, spreading holiday cheer from the bathrooms to the closets to the couch cushions. A true Christmas gift that keeps on giving -- and squealing with festive spirit.

Best of all, these holiday antlers filter out the "scrooges" in my life. Take for example the last date I brought back to my place. I thought she was a good gal, but as soon as she saw Jumbo peeking out of the pillow with his shiny antlers, she shrieked and ran. Close call! To think I almost sealed the deal with a lady who hates Christmas that much...

I give 5 STARS to these 4-point holiday antlers. Give your ferret, rat, or ground squirrel the gift of Christmas Cheer this year!

Elegant Moments L9663 Men's 4 piece adjustable harness. Set includes leather harness, arm bands and collar
Elegant Moments L9663 Men's 4 piece adjustable harness. Set includes leather harness, arm bands and collar
Offered by New Temptations
Price: $59.99
2 used & new from $59.99

6 of 7 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Harness Your Hopes, October 2, 2013
I bought this for work. The foreman at my last roofing gig said new OSHA regulations required us to wear a 4-point chest harness when elevated more than 3.5 feet from the ground. Luckily I found this harness on Amazon in time to "secure" my position on the roofing team!

The product arrived as advertised - made with a strong yet supple black leather to show I meant business on the work site. I also appreciated the arm & neck bands included for additional safety. I did find the harness isn't designed well for curvy guys like me, so it was more snug around the chest & belly than I expected. I couldn't get my work shirt under the tight harness, so the t-shirt had to stay at home. Better for improving my skin tan anyway, right?

I arrived for work right on time, with my lunch pail in hand and Elegant Moments 4-piece adjustable harness set clinging to my body. You should have seen the look on my foreman's face! "That's right," I said, "let's see OSHA write me up for this secure harness with matching arm & neck bands!" I'd overlooked that OSHA could write me up for not wearing pants over the leather bottoms. I also overlooked that the tanning oil I applied to my chest and legs exceeded OSHA regulations by a "dangerous" margin.

So I got put on break-room duty and didn't get to work on my skin tan. But I enjoyed the freedom & flexibility this harness gave me as I moved around. Half the time I forgot I was even chained to the vending machine. I experienced limited chafing and discovered that spilled coffee doesn't stain much against black leather! That's a plus right there. I'd give this set 5 stars if if had full-length, OSHA-approved, leather bottoms. Some pockets to hold my gum and jerky would be helpful too.

Overall, the 4-piece harness set is a 4-star product with a tight "grip" on your expectations - and your skin!
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Oct 17, 2013 12:22 PM PDT

Nicolas Cage Pillowcase Covers Standard Size 20"x30" CC2610
Nicolas Cage Pillowcase Covers Standard Size 20"x30" CC2610
Offered by Popworks
Price: $10.02
5 used & new from $10.02

10 of 11 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Resting Arizona, September 18, 2013
Are you tired of snoozing on a D-List pillow? Is your significant other giving you the cold shoulder due to a lack of star power in the bedroom? Time for your pillow to "face off" with a "national treasure"!

Since I bought this pillowcase, the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night is screen legend Nicolas Cage!!! My dirty old Tim Allen pillowcase no longer sees the light of day - or the lamp of my nightstand.

Like anything, this product has its "pros" and "cons" (or "con-airs" to my fellow Cage-heads!)

- Highly transportable. Can be quickly moved to living room couch when "Ghost Rider" comes on.
- Surprisingly comfortable. Silky softness will make you forget that Nicolas Cage sometimes has a stubble.
- Usually a hit with the ladies! I'm not much to look at, let's "face" it. If I didn't have this eye candy for the women's attention, they would be "Gone in 60 Seconds"!
- Classic Nic Cage smile seems to light up the room even when the lights are out!
- Perfect for all ages. If you are a "family man", buy a set for your children too. Trust me, they'll love it after you answer their many questions.

- Gets wet easily and dries slowly. Make sure rain is not in forecast before bringing as a seating cushion for football games.
- No longer considered "A-list" enough to get you into high-end nightclubs. (Channing Tatum pillowcase and a cool twenty will do the trick.)
- Can be used over John Travolta pillow, but with dangerous & unpredictable results.
- Not always a hit with the ladies! Make sure they know they are laying their heads on the smiling visage of screen legend Nicolas Cage before they wake up to it in the morning. (I hadn't heard screams like that since "The Wicker Man"!)

All in all, I found this to be a 5-star product. The perfect compliment to my set of Ray Romano bath towels. Get yours while you can!

No Title Available

9 of 11 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars You Have The Right To Remain Sexy, August 22, 2013
So, my probation officer suggested I do a "ride-along" with his cop buddy. Something about "seeing how my actions affect the community" around me, and so on. I don't know what my lewd conduct charges have to do with street crime, but whatever. I agreed to it. The P.O. set a date and time for the ride-along and that was that.

As the event approached, a MAJOR problem dawned on me: I didn't even have a police uniform to wear on the ride-along! I frantically searched my closet in a state of despair. Showing up for a police ride-along in "plain clothes" would probably lead to more probation or even jail time! And the only thing close to a uniform I had was my "FBI: Female Body Inspector" t-shirt. But that's for a different jurisdiction.

Then, by the stroke of luck, I found this great uniform online! Perfect for police ride-alongs in the warm weather! The uniform arrived in a timely fashion and in reliable packaging. When I put it on, it fit like a policeman's glove across my body. It was a little snug in the middle (I'm medically obese) but the spandex had enough "give" to make it work. And you can't argue with the cool hat & accessories - it even had a badge so I could officially "report for duty." The uniform shorts were nice and snug. They offered some breathing room and a chance to show off my knees and calves. The uniform does NOT include police boots! I had to make do with some blue galoshes I found in the closet. I kind of had a "sexy officer" look going on with this uniform.

I really turned a lot of heads when I reported for duty in the station! The front desk clerk could not even believe what I was there for. She must have thought I was a real officer! Like a sergeant or lieutenant, even. Officer Geraci, my ride-along "partner" started sweating and looking nervous when he met me. (Nervous that he'd been "outdone" by a superior officer, perhaps? Ha ha.) Once I explained to him that my badge wasn't the department's and my name wasn't really Sgt. Van Halen, we were good to go.

Gotta say, it was a smooth ride and my sleek uniform made the ride that much smoother. My only complaint with the shorts is they rode up really high and the back of my legs kept sticking to the leather seats. (Officer Geraci borrowed me a towel to put under my legs for the 2nd half of the ride, but you might not be so lucky.)

The uniform gives you a good range of movement though. That's important when you're "on duty" during a sweep of a large apartment complex for drug dealers! Somehow, I was the one who stumbled on the dealers first. Years of watching NYPD Blue prepared me for this moment. "Freeze!" I said, waving my hands since I wasn't given a gun. I pointed at my badge and carefully adjusted my spandex-wedgie. They must have thought I was reaching for a gun in my wedgie, because I got pinned to the floor before I could even fight back. No officer likes to be in that position, especially not a fake one in sticky spandex.

"Nice try, Sergeant Van Halen, " one of them said. "Next time, you're gonna need backup." Everything kinda went black there. I woke up hog-tied in the dirty hotel room, with Officer Geraci and a swarm of cops standing over me. "Who let you out of the car?", Geraci said. "And where did your outfit go?" Couldn't really explain that second part. (One other complaint about this uniform: too easy for drug dealers to take off and steal from you.) Apparently I blew a 6-month drug investigation with my "police work". How embarrassing! Even though I tried to avoid trouble by wearing a uniform to the ride-along, I wound up getting my probation revoked entirely. Instead, I got jail time on charges for impersonating an officer and obstructing justice. I also picked up another lewd conduct charge somehow.

I'd give this product 4 STARS because it is sexy and comfortable (mostly) but it is not practical for all police work. I recommend it more for traffic cops and security guards than the guys on the narcotics unit.

BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen, 1.0mm, Black, 16ct (MSLP16-Blk)
BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen, 1.0mm, Black, 16ct (MSLP16-Blk)
Price: $10.14
2 used & new from $10.14

31 of 36 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Support Women's "Writes"?, August 19, 2013
It was bad enough when women started burning bras and using pencils back in the '70s. Now they've entered the man's world of pens! Used to be that I never had to worry about Carla using pens in the home. After all, my pens were never made in colors of soothing pastels, or with a slim design suitable for the hand of a lady. The only thing in Carla's paw was a spatula -- as it should be! If Carla had to write something on her grocery list, she did it with crayon or lipstick. Just like her grandmother taught her.

Then Darlene Jablonski, the googly-eyed feminist from our supper club, got Carla this set of these Bic "For Her" pens. Now Carla won't stop waving these pens around and talking about women's lib. Every day there's another tirade of jibber-jabber about "equal pay" or "reproductive freedom". She even wrote me a note about this nonsense in teal "Ocean Mist" ink!! Good grief. The other day I spotted her using a lavender pen to circle ads in the classifieds - for JOBS! HA!! A woman in the workplace makes as much sense as an armadillo in a horse race.

One thing leads to another with these pens. First, she's comfortably writing her chore list with a sleek, lightweight "Pink Paradise" women's pen. Next, the woman's reading newspapers and asking me about voting in an election! A REAL ELECTION, not the "who wore it best" vote in US Weekly. Are you kidding me? Carla gave these pens rave reviews - she said it's the first pen that is responsive to her sensitive needs as a woman. She likes the colors and the design that's built for her dainty little woman-hands. But I can't give the pens 5 stars. Not when they've caused so many problems in the home. Fellas, don't buy these pens for your women unless you're ready to start cooking your own meals, doing your own laundry, and listening to some Nancy Pelosi wannabe drone on about human rights! 1 STAR for this dangerous product.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Mar 26, 2014 9:01 AM PDT

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