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F500 American Flag Pants by Best Form
F500 American Flag Pants by Best Form
Offered by Best Form Fitness Gear
Price: $29.95 - $33.95

5,082 of 5,159 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars No internment camp this time, July 3, 2013
When I was a child, the U.S. government put me and my family, along with 120,000 other Americans of Japanese descent, into internment camps because we happened to look like the people who bombed Pearl Harbor. I've made it my life's mission to teach about this terrible chapter in our history, so that we never forget, and never repeat, this egregious injustice.

I've often wondered, though, whether things would have been different if we'd simply been given a chance to demonstrate our loyalty.

That's why when I go jogging around Hollywood, I always put on my BEST FORM AMERICAN FLAG PANTS while belting out a hearty "God Bless 'Murica" for all the passers-by. So moved are the myriad witnesses to my overt and unabashed patriotism that they stare, mouths agape, overcome with, well, something, as I fist pump the air with an enthusiastic "USA, USA!", the soundtrack to Rocky blaring from our car stereo as Brad urges me on and hands me another Ensure to slug. Sly Stallone, eat your heart out.

The government can rob us of our freedoms, our liberties, and our homes without due process or cause. But it will never take away my stars and stripes.
Comment Comments (136) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Nov 9, 2014 1:38 AM PST


No Title Available

4 of 5 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Got me past the TSA, June 23, 2013
While traveling to the recent Osaka Ninja-world Annual Gala and Silent Auction, I decided not to check a bag. After all, my mask, robe, and slippers neatly fit into my pink Hello Kitty knapsack, cinched tightly across both shoulders. I don't know why I decided to bring my Ninja Folding Grappling Hook, or why I thought I could simply walk through security with it. First mistake.

"What is that?" demanded the TSA agent, who looked remarkably like Nikki Minaj. Perhaps it was because she appeared well-prepared to cast ample "shade" my way.

"It's a grappling hook. Haven't you ever seen one?" Second mistake.

"You can't carry weapons on board," she intoned, gesturing to the prohibited list, then inspecting a chipped nail.

"It's not a weapon, and grappling hooks aren't on this list," I pointed out, in my good natured tone. Third mistake. "Aerosols, oxygen tanks, box cutters, but no grap--"

"You'll have to check it, grandpa," she interrupted, her head tipped to one side, a challenge. "No exceptions."

The woman in front of me gave me a sympathetic look. She apparently was trying to bring a dozen Russian nesting dolls onboard, which were being opened one-by-one by an increasingly incredulous agent.

I understood that I'd have to take matters into my own hands. I retreated from the line, then found an empty stall in a nearby restroom. From my HK knapsack I removed my approved ninja attire, then located an air duct by removing a single ceiling tile. (This doesn't just work in movies--it's actually a known thing.)

The duct led me to a Jamba Juice not far from the security area. I dropped down behind the counter unseen, then slipped past a family from Topeka with a single "shhhh!" to my lips and a toss of an orange to the overweight 10-year old son. "Eat this instead," I suggested to the bewildered lad.

Slipping along the sheer wall of the secure area (yes, sheer, f--k you, I'm a ninja), I spied a support beam high above on the other side, perfect for my grappling hook. I created a distraction by releasing two mice into the line. (This, too, is a known thing.) "Nikki" seemed particularly distraught by the rodent ploy, shrieking "Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord!!" to my deep satisfaction. During the pandemonium, I swung unseen, as ninjas will, over the security area.

Check it grandpa, indeed.


No Title Available

7,036 of 7,146 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Got Me Past the TSA, June 23, 2013
While traveling to the recent Osaka Ninja-world Annual Gala and Silent Auction, I decided not to check a bag. After all, my mask, robe, and slippers neatly fit into my pink Hello Kitty knapsack, cinched tight across both shoulders. I don't know why I decided to bring my Ninja Folding Grappling Hook, or why I thought I could walk through security with it. First mistake.

"What is that?" demanded the TSA agent, who looked remarkably like Nikki Minaj. Perhaps it was because she appeared well prepared to cast ample "shade" my way.

"It's a grappling hook. Haven't you ever seen one?" Second mistake.

"You can't carry weapons on board," she intoned, gesturing to the prohibited list, then inspecting a chipped nail.

"It's not a weapon, and grappling hooks aren't on this list," I pointed out, in my good natured tone. Third mistake. "Aerosols, oxygen tanks, box cutters, but no grap--"

"You'll have to check it, grandpa," she interrupted, her head tipped to one side, a challenge. "No exceptions."

The woman in front of me gave me a sympathetic look. She apparently was trying to bring on a dozen Russian nesting dolls, which were being opened one-by-one by an increasingly incredulous agent.

I understood that I'd have to take matters into my own hands. I retreated from the line, then found an empty stall in a nearby restroom. From my HK knapsack I removed my approved ninja attire, then located an air duct by removing a single ceiling tile. (This doesn't just work in movies--it's actually a known thing.)

The duct led me to a Jamba Juice not far from the security area. I dropped down behind the counter unseen, then slipped past a family from Topeka with a single "shhhh!" to my lips and a toss of an orange to the overweight 10-year old son. "Eat this instead," I suggested to the bewildered lad.

Slipping along the sheer wall of the secure area (yes, sheer, F you, I'm a ninja), I spied a support beam high above on the other side, perfect for my grappling hook. I created a distraction by releasing two mice into the line. (This is also a known thing.) "Nikki" seemed particularly distraught by the mice ploy, shrieking "Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord!!" to my deep satisfaction. During the pandemonium, I swung unseen, as ninjas will, over the security area.

Check it grandpa, indeed.
Comment Comments (114) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Dec 17, 2014 11:09 AM PST


Accoutrements Horse Head Mask
Accoutrements Horse Head Mask
Price: $27.62
9 used & new from $24.99

10,367 of 10,555 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Horsing around, June 19, 2013
= Durability:3.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:1.0 out of 5 stars 
I purchased this mane-ly for anonymity, but instead it was a night-mare that saddled me with un-bridled panic.

At a recent Comic Con, I donned the mask wearing my best track suit, jockeying for a simple laugh: "What do gay horses eat?" I queried, eager to bray "Heeeeeyyyy!!" Comic gold, friends, I know.

But the neigh-sayers came unglued. "No! You're George Takei! I know that voice!"

Now, it doesn't take a gallop poll to know what happened next. I hoofed it out of there with herds of fans riding my ass, shouting till they, too, were...horse.
Comment Comments (110) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Mar 14, 2015 2:25 PM PDT


Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon
Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon
Offered by Healthy and Active
Price: $2,500.00
7 used & new from $1,287.65

6,435 of 6,569 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Try this at home., June 15, 2013
Brad and I will be Grand Marshals at this year's San Diego Pride Parade, and we were looking for just the right touch to add a bit of pizazz to our appearance. So when we stumbled across the PASSION NATURAL WATER BASED LUBRICANT - 55 GALLON drum, we felt we'd struck gold: "Just enough volume to soak an entire parade of spectators, and yet fits easily in our float." Double win.

Now, how to spray the lube on the excited on-lookers? Why, by water pump gun, of course. To test out our delivery mechanism, we purchased a drum for our back yard and set up a slip and slide. I had Brad charge toward me down the slide, and I fired at will. It helped to imagine he was a Klingon Bird of Prey: Target that explosion and FIRE.

What I didn't expect was that Brad's forward momentum would cause him to crash into me, upending the entire drum along with us. Utter chaos. Our unfortunate cats, who had come out to judge our activities as cats will, were caught in the deluge. Looking like drowned rats, they howled and sped around the yard in hysterical circles, then tried for ten minutes to climb a tree.

Once again, the neighbors thought we'd set something on fire, so the LAFD arrived shortly afterwards. Try explaining any of this to a stranger, especially a hunky one in uniform. "Hose me down?" I offered. He kindly did, then retrieved our cats out of the tree with only minor scratches to the face. (They still aren't speaking to us, by the way.)

Bottom line, we decided against soaking the Pride Parade revelers lest it create an "incident" that could upstage us entirely. But we do have a great new weekend fun activity.
Comment Comments (69) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Mar 4, 2015 12:01 PM PST


Westland Giftware Star Trek Magnetic Spock and Captain Kirk Salt and Pepper Shaker Set, 4-1/2-Inch
Westland Giftware Star Trek Magnetic Spock and Captain Kirk Salt and Pepper Shaker Set, 4-1/2-Inch
Price: $14.22
19 used & new from $8.87

3,885 of 3,926 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Too realistic, June 11, 2013
After Brad got me this set, I realized that they were a bit TOO true to life. The Kirk shaker kept wandering off in search of "lady shakers," insisting his salt crystals were real dilithium. I'd have recommended this as a great Father's Day gift, but I noticed over time that the body of the shaker droops, and the uniform now seems, well, a bit snug. I also was disappointed to learn that the hair piece does NOT come off as expected. One star off my marks for that.

Plus, the Spock shaker kept trying to rescue the Kirk shaker, even after it crawled in the microwave and was irradiated beyond repair. And while Spock's magnetic pull with Kirk is strong, it seems to much prefer the Uhura unit. I literally had to pry them apart, admonishing, "Alright, you've pon far enough."

This incident also made me realize that I must be in the alternate tableware timeline.
Comment Comments (63) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Sep 12, 2013 12:29 AM PDT


ASSHOLE REPELLENT....THE ULTIMATE GAG GIFT / PRODUCT !!
ASSHOLE REPELLENT....THE ULTIMATE GAG GIFT / PRODUCT !!
Offered by A-SALES
Price: $5.89

3,438 of 3,557 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Spray the Pray Away, June 7, 2013
= Durability:3.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:5.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:5.0 out of 5 stars 
While this product may not have the same debilitating effect of pepper spraying someone right in the face (Lt. John Pike, you're now a meme, congratulations), this powerfully ironic tool can render the same outcome through a mere sassy display.

For example, the last time Senator Rick Santorum was shouting Bible verses through my bedroom window, I merely sauntered over, withdrew the can from my nightie, and held it up at eye-level. "What is THAT?!" he bellowed. "A&@hole repellant," I said, calmly displaying the clearly marked label. "Don't worry, it won't kill you. I've got it set to STUN-NING!!!!"

Also makes a great Father's Day gift for the dad who has everything and wants to keep it that way. Just don't be upset if he sprays it on groups of small children. "GET OFF MY LAWN!"
Comment Comments (52) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jun 29, 2013 10:15 PM PDT


Deer Rear with Bottle Opener
Deer Rear with Bottle Opener
Offered by internetbargainstore
Price: $119.99

3,844 of 3,884 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The buck stops here, May 31, 2013
Deer friends: Looking for the perfect "hunting lodge" accessory? No ifs, ands or butts, this is a staggering find. As any John Doe could tell you, mount this baby on your wall and BAMBI! Instant party.

Now when guests ask me to open their beers, I just say "Go buck yourself."
Comment Comments (85) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Aug 20, 2014 11:14 PM PDT


UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies.
UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies.
Offered by Images SI Inc.
Price: $89.58

5,233 of 5,303 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars They're here., May 29, 2013
I purchased this gizmo to play a prank on my husband Brad, who still prattles on about his "fourth-kind" encounter when he was just thirteen. (The 4th kind involves a probe, if you're wondering. I keep saying it was likely his redneck neighbor dressed as ET, but that possibility is too dreadful for him to truly accept.)

On the anniversary of Brad's alleged abduction, I placed the device by our bedside, then set-up an electromagnetic wave generator under the bed, with a timer to go off right at midnight. (If you're wondering where to get one, I recommend the Skymall Catalog. I also picked up some Motivational posters and fake garden rock speakers to save on shipping. You're welcome.)

But back to my prank. It was all set to go, and I was as giddy as a six year old waiting for Santa. But like a typical six year old, I fell asleep before the damn thing went off. I awoke to the flashing of multiple LEDs from the UFO-02 Detector, and bolted up, eager to see Brad's petrified face. Aha!

But Brad wasn't there.

In fact, I wasn't even in our bedroom any more. Instead, I stood face-to-face with Leonardo da Vinci. Or perhaps it was Professor Dumbledore, I'm not really certain. In either event, It was a manifestation that the being I shall call the "Intelligence" had determined my brain would most easily accept for deliverance of The Message.

You see, the Intelligence had come to convey to us humans that the Imperative was nigh, that what we loosely dub the Singularity was only the beginning of a limitless existence unbounded by physical space and time, and that sugar-free alternatives are actually WORSE for us than the real deal. He made sure that last point was clear by making me repeat it twice.

When I came to, Brad was sound asleep in his tin foil hat, the UFO-02 detector was gone, and, sure enough, all of my Splenda had been replaced with little, brown raw sugar packets. When I tried to tell Brad about Leonardo/Dumbledore and The Message, he rolled over away from me, grumbling that I shouldn't eat so much ice cream or any dairy product before bed.
Comment Comments (97) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Sep 18, 2014 11:45 PM PDT


Accoutrements Yodelling Pickle
Accoutrements Yodelling Pickle
Price: $11.03
35 used & new from $1.99

3,502 of 3,623 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Stick with a bong., May 22, 2013
= Durability:1.0 out of 5 stars  = Fun:1.0 out of 5 stars  = Educational:1.0 out of 5 stars 
On my birthday (4/20), I found this cute little green item on my dresser. I assumed Brad had left it for me as a "special" birthday gift.

I tried for hours to figure out how to pry off the lid so I could load it properly, but no go. Then the thing started yodeling at me, and I thought, "Well, no more from that dispensary."

Disappointed.
Comment Comments (54) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jul 19, 2014 4:27 PM PDT


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