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Alan E. Schmidt's Profile

Customer Reviews: 54
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Reviews Written by
Alan E. Schmidt "Monkey head" RSS Feed (Las Vegas)

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ZSHOW Men's Weatherproof Packable Down Jacket
ZSHOW Men's Weatherproof Packable Down Jacket
Offered by ZSHOW
Price: $86.69 - $91.27

31 of 35 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Best Jacket.... EVER, December 22, 2015
I hate being cold. I despise it. Unfortunately I live in Barndip, North Dakota. You may ask “hey why don’t you just move”. Due to an unforeseen “incident” a few years ago at Sunday night bingo, I cannot move without the court’s permission. McDoogal tried to change a B1 into a B7. Things escalated quickly, bad things…. 4 years probation things.
I need a coat. More than a coat, a garment that melds to my body like a second layer of skin, except it is 4 inches thick and full of down feathers.
When I saw the Z-SHOW Men’s Packable Down Jacket on Amazon I bonded with it immediately. We spoke to each other sub consciously through the computer screen. This jacket…. This jacket completes me.
It was an anxious time for me. I slept in the lobby of the post office until it arrived. Post office personnel in Barndip are not very nice. They called me strange names that I do not understand. Idiosyncratic, demented, intelligence deficient. One guy kept hitting me with the floor buffer as I tried to sleep next to the heater vent. I got him back though, after he went home I put 47 knots in his electrical cord then put superglue on it. Have fun buffing with a 4 foot cord, loser.
I knew when it arrived. I felt it. I’m not saying I cried, much, but it was an emotional moment. After spending the evening together I realized something. The Z-SHOW Down Jacket is not the kind that wants to stay home and cuddle up in front of the fireplace. It wants to go out. If you seek an indoor jacket that wants to stay home then this is not for you. It was like being in a sauna for 10 hours or swimming in lava. I toughed it out though, I’m no wuss.
I needed to test the coat in a way that not many people will. We must perform as a team when the chips are down and trouble starts. I need to be ninja nimble and terminator deadly in case someone else attempts deception at Sunday bingo.
Donning the Z-SHOW Jacket I went next door to 80 year old Sallie Mae’s. I told her of my test idea and challenged her to a street fight…… prison rules. She smiled cruelly and accepted. I began to stretch so I don’t pull a hammy with my roundhouse kicks and she was on me with no warning at all. Not sure, but I believe she may have been to prison before. I felt like a wounded seal in a shark tank. Good thing the Z-SHOW is thick, she shanked me 14 times in two seconds with a potato peeler. She talked a lot of trash while doing it also. More name calling and apparently she yelled that I have to do her laundry for the rest of my life. There were feathers and polyester filling everywhere. It confused her and I used the fog of down to escape. She pursued me for about a mile and a half before the feathers finally ran out and the trail went cold.
I now need to order a new Z-SHOW jacket. Thanks Sallie Mae.
Final tip: If you lose all the down in the jacket because you got shanked by your neighbor, do not try to re-stuff it with dog hair from your vacuum cleaner bag. It does not work, very itchy, and dogs chase you everywhere you go.
Comment Comments (3) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jun 16, 2016 3:23 PM PDT

Tranquility Premium OverNight disposable Absorbent Underwear [protective underwear OVERNIGHT XLG]
Tranquility Premium OverNight disposable Absorbent Underwear [protective underwear OVERNIGHT XLG]
Offered by Diabetes Health Supplies
Price: $16.92
4 used & new from $16.92

2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Is THIS the diaper for you?, August 11, 2015
To answer this question there must be a professional thorough test performed. Fear not my fellow diaper wearers, you will soon be able to release those chocolate hostages anywhere, anytime. I am by no means an amateur tester. I am level 8 certified through the Anal Slider Society. Not an easy level to achieve. I won the prestigious “Butt Trumpet” award in 1997 for my test on the Fanny Ponds adult diapers. I earned the nickname sewer pickle during that time and it has stuck with me ever since.

On with the test. Is the Tranquility Premium OverNight disposable diaper up to snuff? We shall see. This is a three stage test involving the most important details of a diaper…. appearance, capacity limits, and ease of changing. If you are squeamish then stop reading now.

Appearance – Wore the diaper with some polyester short shorts and a tank top. Time to hit the basketball court at the local park. Some hoops and poops. Right out of the gate everyone could tell what I was doing, my face was beet red and my shorts expanded. Could have used a couple car air fresheners too. The bonus was no one wanted to guard me. I had a monster game. 5 stars. Here is a technical tip: when leaving, do not sit down too fast in your car. Bad things happen. Very bad if you have a passenger next to you.

Capacity limit – I do not have the time or patience to wear the same diaper for a week. So I devised a capacity test that only takes 3 things. All you can eat sushi, a gallon of milk, and a strong case of lactose intolerance. It was starting to turtle head on me with the first glass of milk. I will have to label this test “inconclusive”. Things happened very quickly. Not sure how many pounds it held before I blew out the back, but seriously, it was a lot. We will not be releasing these results.

Ease of changing – Not pretty. Best done near a garden hose outside. Not sure how that will go over in the wintertime so you may want to move to a warmer climate. Unknown what kind of chemical the body releases when you mix 3 pounds of sushi and a gallon of milk but it did stain my skin, maybe permanently. My dog witnessed the whole thing and hasn’t looked me in the eye since. Don’t put it in the trash, the smell quadruples overnight. Trash men won’t touch it and I had two visits from county air quality controllers in the first day. They were going to let me off with a warning but then fined me 300 dollars because their eyes started watering.

Good brief… don’t overload… change often.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Nov 13, 2015 10:48 PM PST

Sturgeon Men's Polarized Square Aluminum Sunglasses Spring Hinge w/ Free Pouch-Polished Silver
Sturgeon Men's Polarized Square Aluminum Sunglasses Spring Hinge w/ Free Pouch-Polished Silver
Offered by Eyeology

3 of 6 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Being cool ain't easy, May 19, 2015
Nothing says “cool” like wearing the Sturgeon Men's polarized square aluminum at night. Not only do you feel like a rock star but look like one also. I sport these bad boys and you don’t know if I just dropped my debut album or I’m guarding the president. I could bust out break dancing to New Kids On the Block or put on a butt whupping exhibition.
I feel like the fruit loop in a bowl of shredded wheat. The Dodge Ram 3500 in a demolition derby with mopeds. The great white shark in the goldfish tank at Walmart. You get the idea.
I shall now share a few negatives of my sunglasses at night adventure to the disco club.
1) You run into things. Put a rubber band around your head to hold glasses on when you fall down. If you are husky like me then kneepads help with falling also. Or you could just walk around with outstretched arms like a blind man. But that just looks dumb. Go with rubber band on head and kneepads.
2) Restroom control. Hard to see. You won’t know if you “cleared the zipper” until about 2 pints into the process. Too late. Bring cologne and mask the smell.
3) Eye hand control. If you try to shake hands with a guy and miss, you touch his junk. BAD things happen after that. If you try to high five and miss then you hit your own junk. Just as bad.

Final tip: Couple this with a baseball cap worn sideways to increase coolness factor. Mine has a little propeller on it. UBER COOL! Like level 57 Dungeons and Dragons cool. Yeah…. I just said that.

Clairol Natural Instincts for Men Hair Color, Brown Black (M17)
Clairol Natural Instincts for Men Hair Color, Brown Black (M17)
Offered by Pharmapacks
Price: $11.11
11 used & new from $7.59

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Life Altering, November 6, 2014
Getting a tad bit grey? Too cheap to pay a salon? Did you say to yourself “Hey self, any idiot can color their own hair.” You would have to be a total nin-com-poop to screw that up. Hello folks…. I AM that idiot nin-com-poop. Nice to meet you.

Clairol Natural Instincts Brown/ Black. Good choice. Trusted brand name. I have never met the scientists that created this dye. I suspect they may be evil. They may be disappointed that they are not curing diseases at the CDC, but instead, are stuck creating exciting colors for shallow vain men to recapture their youth. So they created this one…. knowing…. Idiots like me exist and will screw it up.

I believe I followed directions, for the most part. There were some very big confusing words, it was written in a microscopic font, and I have the attention span of a door knob. Besides, the best way to learn something is dive right in. Right?... Rubbed it in. Not very gently or gracefully. No worries, I can just wash off that stuff dripping off my ears onto my shoulders and back. At this point I encountered hair color catastrophe number 1: As this color touches the skin it seems to bond with the skin. Not like a piece of scotch tape, more like a tattoo. The shape it formed running down my arm appears to be banana shaped, possibly a piece of male anatomy. I’m now in trouble. I am normally a pale man. Now I am a pale man with brown/ black ears and tattoo of brown wiener on my arm. No, it does not wash off. Thank you Clairol scientists who hate their job.

My hair looks great however, that is why I gave it 5 stars. Problem number 2. My eyebrows are still grey. As I covered earlier, I am not that bright. I decided to use some of this hair dye slash evil tattoo ink and do those thick ole caterpillars above my eyes. Still a little shaky and nervous from my first adventure, I lathered up the eyebrows with all the grace of Parkinson’s patient. I got some in the eyes (what a surprise). My tears made sure that it ran down my face while I pawed at it. I panicked, ran for the bathroom, hit the wall, and knocked myself out.

I awakened to quite a sight. I will not go into details of my current appearance. I will instead quote one of my co-workers “Are you alright? Did someone throw a handful of poo at each one of your eyes?”
My social life has taken a hit but I have brought much joy and laughter to all my co-workers. Other than the small child at the grocery store who began to cry, most people try to avoid me. It is slowly fading. Slowly. The arm wiener tattoo is the slowest. The stain on the wall that knocked me out is a reminder everyday that some ideas ARE stupid and no matter what you do, you will not look like the model on the box.

One final tip. Not necessarily saying I did this but trust me when I say I know for a fact…. DO NOT shave your head and eyebrows thinking this will help. You will end up with the face of a hairless raccoon with black ears and black eyes. Oh, and a wiener tattooed on its arm.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Jan 5, 2015 10:38 PM PST

Farberware Dishwasher Safe Nonstick Aluminum 12-Inch Skillet, Black
Farberware Dishwasher Safe Nonstick Aluminum 12-Inch Skillet, Black
Price: $13.10
12 used & new from $8.52

6 of 10 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars More than a skillet, July 8, 2014
This pan has raised the bar. An engineering miracle. This baby is the speedboat that just showed up at the canoe races. It fills all other pans with fear and jealous feelings.
I needed a solid personal protection device. All thanks to the strange little voices I hear in my head. They offer very bad advice to me on actions or behaviors and are difficult to resist. They seem to pop up at odd times such as during professional bowling tournaments, arts and craft festivals, or commercial fishing trips. Jail is no picnic for a sensitive person like me. Unfortunately for me there is some weird law about carrying around a large Viking broad sword on the streets and an unflattering report from my psychiatrist prevents me from carrying a concealed weapon. Enter the Zues of the shallow non stick skillet world.
This Farberware 21652 dishwasher safe aluminum 12 incher is a one stop shop protection device. It hits like a runaway freight train and can stop a speeding bullet. Ok, maybe not a real bullet…. But I KNOW it will stop a BB gun. Oh yeah! That’s right, I said it. I whip this baby out and the bad guys don’t know if I’m going fry up some scrambled eggs, maybe make a grilled cheese…… KA POW. They will never see it coming. There is no law on the books preventing me from carrying around a frying pan.
I even built a holster for it. A little bit of advice if you do this, put in a quick release strap. The first time I had to pull my Farberware pan it got hung up on my belt and I had to fiercely pull at it multiple times to prepare my defenses. Nearby observers stated that it appeared I was beating myself up with a pan and getting very frustrated during that beat down.
Yes you can cook with this bad boy too. Tip number 2, let it cool off before putting it back in the holster on your belt. Third degree burns and numerous jokes at the emergency room is not for the faint of heart. Their endless laughter still haunts me.
Know this citizens. The next time you see a heavy set man in a padded helmet talking to himself and wearing a frying pan on his hip….. DO NOT make fun of that man. He is primed for action. UBER pan man walks among you.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Oct 16, 2014 2:13 AM PDT

Snap-E Mouse Traps (6 packs)
Snap-E Mouse Traps (6 packs)
Offered by All Bugs Out
Price: $15.98

10 of 14 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars One Mouse, Many Problems, August 15, 2013
This review is from: Snap-E Mouse Traps (6 packs)
Saturday afternoon, man-cave in the basement, kicking it in the easy chair, and then it happened. The infestation began... A small mouse walked right across the room with a Dorito and sat right in front of the TV staring at me. It was a cool ranch flavor Dorito, my favorite, the gauntlet has been laid out.

First instinct... a cat. I don't own one but there are many in the neighborhood. I put out a trap and waited nearby, watching. Suddenly the largest, meanest looking orange cat slowly sauntered up. He had one ear.... Oh yeah, he was a veteran. He looked at the window I was watching from and then slowly walked into the trap and sat down. It was like he was bored and looking for some excitement for the day. This mouse was toast, I now had a battle cat. This cat was a semi and that mouse was a tin can in the road. Little did I know just how ugly this was going to be.
Back to the man cave. Step one, get battle cat out of the cage and release the carnage. He refused to come out. As I reached my hand in there to pull him I saw battle cat smile.... Just a little... right before the carnage started. After mauling my hand for what seemed like an hour, might have been 3 seconds, not sure. He proceeded to race up my arm over my head and screeched at a decibel level that may have caused permanent hearing damage... to the entire neighborhood. I feared for my life and darted up the stairs at a speed that would have earned a gold medal. I returned 2 hours later, from the doctor's, and decided that this is MY man cave, I have at least 250 lbs on this cat and no way I can lose.
I entered prepared for war. I wore 4 long sleeve shirts, mittens, a football helmet, and carried two tennis rackets. I looked scary. Alas, the cat was gone. Broke out a small basement window. What he left behind was evil. The stench was nauseating and my eyes were watering. The cat had marked its territory.... Everywhere.... How he got it on the ceiling still baffles me to this day. A thorough cleaning and 14 jugs of febreze later, my eyes still water.

On to these mouse traps. I was told to use peanut butter. In the process of scraping the peanut butter off my finger onto the trap it snapped on me twice. Hurts very badly. It makes you curse a lot and say things to your spouse that you shouldn't have. I was already shaky from the cat assault to begin with. I then read the directions, which I highly recommend, and put the peanut butter on FIRST, and then set the trap.

BOTTOM LINE: Mouse is dead. Cool Ranch Doritos are safe. The ghost of the mouse still lingers (seen it twice). Trap does not work on ghost mice. My hand still shakes from the feline massacre it took. Man cave is uninhabitable for more than an hour (stench is unbearable). One ear screeching battle cat has now started marking my car. My clothes have absorbed the smell. People avoid me now. My spouse looks at me like I am less of a man.
Good mouse trap. Try it first before plan B of battle cat.
Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Nov 21, 2014 10:50 PM PST

Offered by GearsOut
Price: $12.31

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Invention, October 23, 2012
This review is for professional putt putt golfers or at least folks that take miniature golf way too serious. If this is not you then stop here and back away from the review slowly.

I have been training for the pro miniature golf league for 6 years now. Practicing 16 hours a day. I was almost ready for the qualifying tournament at Putt Pirates Miniature Golf World. Since I spend an enormous amount of time on the toilet I felt that the Pot N' Putt would be the perfect way to add some extra practice. What a GENIUS invention!
Pot N' Putt has taken my game to a whole new level. Sometimes I stay on my Colon Blast 2000 toilet long after I am done just to get some extra putts in. There is NO WHERE within arm's length of the toilet that I cannot sink it. I am ready for the pro circuit.
I take the Pot N' Putt everywhere. I recently got kicked out of an IHOP for this. The manager knocked on my stall door and asked me to leave. I wasn't aware of the "90 minute rule" that he was quoting. I stood there and argued for five minutes but it is difficult to win an argument with your pants around your ankles and holding a miniature putter. I appeared to lose credibility and dignity upon opening the stall door.

The big day was here. Upon arrival I saw all the major amateurs signing autographs and posing for pictures. One arm Larry and Mumbling Marty were here. They were the odds on favorites to get the pro card. Bet they don't have a Pot N' Putt....losers.
By the third hole I was down 5 strokes. Curse that dreaded windmill hole. Something was wrong and I needed a time out. I had 10 minutes to get my head on straight. Then it hit me. Hard. Like a speeding freight train and I was a Toyota Prius on the tracks.... giving it the middle finger. I played so much Pot N' Putt that I needed to be pooping to do well. I chugged a gallon of milk and headed back out. My lactose intolerance was finally going to be an asset.
It started quickly. Soon my butt was an open faucet. Six hole in ones on the next 7 holes. I soared into the lead. I had to put rubber bands around the bottom of my pant legs but I was slaying this course. I was in the zone. By hole 18 my face was beet red and I was dizzy but I had this tournament locked up. Paramedics were concerned for me but would not come near me. I could see them in the distance with the crowd, sometimes yelling sometimes gagging. No spectator would ever forget this tournament.
Thanks to Pot N' Putt I made the pro circuit. I hope they don't play this course on the tour because they have now banned me. I owe all my success to Pot N' Putt. After a quick stop for some adult diapers I am off to join the pros. Thanks Pot N' Putt!
Comment Comments (3) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Dec 23, 2014 8:32 AM PST

No Title Available

41 of 49 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Ready For Battle, July 17, 2012
Vacation in Hawaii. AWWW YEAH! I had already signed up for the "swim with the sharks" adventure. If you want chicks then you have to man up! I needed mucho protection. Mama didn't raise a chew toy for Great Whites. This chain mail shirt leaped off my computer and pimp slapped me yelling "I am the one". I have watched shark week on the Discovery channel for 3 years in a row now, with this shirt I am now ready to face these fish of death. Those sharks better hope I'm in a good mood that day.

A few tests for my new chain mail shirt before we face Jaws.
Test one: Need to see how it holds up to blunt force trauma. Went to a cowboy bar wearing my chain mail shirt, short shorts, and roller blades. (Just in case I have to make a fast getaway.) I am cheetah fast on rollerblades. I picked a fight with the biggest drunkest dude I could find. Didn't take much prodding either. Unfortunately, he hit me in the face multiple times instead of the chain mail shirt. Not much of a test. I also found out it is hard to rollerblade while getting your head pummeled and your eyes swelling shut.
Test two: Needed to see if it could stop a sharp object. Got my friend Bobbie Jo to help me with this one. Knives seemed a bit dangerous so she went with a fork. Warning - the small tines on a fork will penetrate this chain mail. For a thin girl she had a powerful stab. She seemed to smile when doing it too. No more testing with Bobbie Jo. Another lesson learned... after being stabbed in the shoulder with a fork while wearing chain mail do not run around screaming. People just call the cops and tasers hurt worse when wearing metal.
Test three: Still needed to test it against a relentless attack with teeth. After soaking my clothes in meat sauce for two days it was off to the dog park. They were on me quick. Apparently I am not as shifty as I once thought. It was like throwing a bucket of twinkies into a weight watchers convention. There would be no pulling them off. Chain mail shirt worked like a champ. It was the only area on my body that did not have chew marks.
After all three tests I am still alive. Five stars chain mail shirt. I am now ready to face the deadly demons of the ocean on their home turf.

Let's skip ahead to the boat. The brochure had a bunch of hot chicks in bikinis and what appeared like a party on the shark boat. Not true. There were five old couples and me. Old is an understatement. This had to be the LAST thing on their bucket lists. Hope no one has a heart attack when the action starts because on a scale of 1 to 10 my CPR skills are a negative 3. Yeah, more harm than help. At least I know when the Great Whites are circling that I can out swim a couple of these geezers.
At first I thought I was in serious trouble. With chain mail shirt weighing me down I swam like a wounded sea lion. Then I found out why no one ever dies on this adventure. The sharks are only 2 feet long. Highly disappointing. I could have gotten the same experience swimming in the giant aquarium in the hotel lobby.
Overall the experience was a letdown but this chain mail shirt is still the coolest thing on earth. Going to wear it to the Luau tonight with my bikini swim trunks. (Just in case there is trouble.) If there is trouble I hope it doesn't involve forks. It is my weakness.
Comment Comments (6) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Dec 2, 2015 7:43 AM PST


303 of 340 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Prepare For the Worst, June 25, 2012
The end is near. Those with Hazmat suits will thrive. We and the cockroaches will inherit the earth. We will rule the infected.

The selection process to pick just the right suit will not be an easy task. It must protect me from numerous contaminants, be durable, and look stylish and classy. The selection of hot chicks could be greatly diminished after Armageddon... being stylish and classy will set me apart from the other losers. As the last woman I hit on so eloquently put it "Not even if you were the last man on earth and my very survival depended on it". OH HO!! We will see if her meth polluted, whisky influenced mind feels the same way after nuclear war.

I must put the Tychem Hazmat Suit through some tests before declaring it the royal outfit of the new king of a devastated world.
Test 1 - Nuclear exposure. Naturally I have no nuclear waste, so off to the Yucca Mountain Nuclear waste facility we go. After being denied access and laughed at extensively at the gate (very unprofessional), I decided to sneak in. I parked 200 yards down the road and in full Tychem Hazmat Suit I hopped the fence. Negative number one, in a full on sprint the suit's hood helmet fogs up quickly. It will cloud your vision so much that you don't even see a small platoon of security as they descend on you like killer bees. Footnote: this suit does not stop taser projectiles. Just so you are aware of that little tidbit. I woke up in jail. Tychem Hazmat Suit missing.

Test 2 - Four days and two hefty fines later - Picking up chicks.
I chose a local bar and a grocery store to give this test a wide range. Full yellow Tychem Hazmat Suit. Test was an ultimate failure. This will hurt the suit's overall rating. I was kicked in the nads, laughed at once again, refused service, and hit with a shopping cart. On the plus side, the girl who used pepper spray failed too, I didn't feel a thing.

Test 3 - Situations that I may find myself in.
Swimming - Not good. Suit began to fill with water 40 yards out. Started sinking. Thank goodness a couple park rangers came to check out why the big yellow buoy was moving and yelling curse words. Rangers used the words "first time ever" a lot and took multiple pictures with their cell phones to document our adventure together.
Sky diving - This one went bad quickly. The hood came off in two seconds... it smacked me in the face is now lost forever. One sleeve ripped up to the shoulder. The loose fabric flapped in the wind and beat me in the face for a full minute before I pulled the cord. It was like a soccer game and my head was the ball. That beating was worse than my Yucca Mountain beat down in test 1.

Final warning. Don't pass gas in this suit. It lingers forever and will make you ill. Think of it like sticking your head down the hole of an outhouse. Your eyes will water also... makes people think you are crying.
This suit did not do as well as I had hoped but is still winning so far. I will need to test other suits soon and design tests that are much less painful. Maybe a wind test in Kansas during tornado season. Maybe bear wrestling, or shark swimming. I will come up with something.
Comment Comments (20) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Nov 22, 2015 5:48 PM PST

GB Eye Bridge of Sighs Poster
GB Eye Bridge of Sighs Poster
Offered by PosterRevolution
Price: $5.14
7 used & new from $3.99

35 of 42 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Respect the Poster, May 8, 2012
I work in customer care for a large company. My cubicle sits in a vast ocean of other small padded prisons of lost souls. I noticed that many people made their cubicle sheep pens into small personable dwellings with pictures of wonderful trips they had taken. I myself had never travelled more than 10 miles from mom's home. What was I to do? Yes, you guessed it, lie to gain respect.

I needed a picture that said sophisticated, well travelled, yet still able to kick butt. This poster took care of the first two but the last one would be tricky. So I will tell people that I picked up the poster in Italy while there for a karate tournament. My plan was flawless and worked like a charm. Men wanted to buy me lunch from the snack machine, women would bring me coffee, and as I approached the copier people would part like the Red Sea. The alpha male of cubicle city had emerged. The Venice Bridge poster print had made me King.

My world crashed on April 1, 2012. A day etched in my memory forever. An angry customer came in and was ranting and raving, threats were made. Violence was coming. The sheep turned to the King for answers... or butt kicking if necessary. I approached angry man with calmness and the confidence of a panther in a chicken coop. He was a large man, red with anger, and I was his enemy. What he did not know was the only karate I knew was from watching every Walker Texas Ranger episode 14 times. That Chuck Norris was one bad dude.

Reasoning was not working, it was time for action. I decided to go for intimidation. I slowly took off my shoes and socks hoping he had just recently seen the movie Billy Jack... fail. I needed something else. I decided to slowly tie a bandana around my head like the karate kid. I had no bandana and the only thing available was one of my socks now sitting on the counter in front of me. This did not work either. I now stood in front of a large angry man... barefoot with a sock tied around my head. I looked at my co-workers. They all had cell phones held up for recording purposes. The time was now; I swung my leg up like I was playing kickball on the playground. Missed, screamed like a 4 year old girl and grabbed a handful of his hair. The next 3 minutes were a blur. He destroyed me up like a starving fat man on the world's last Twinkie. It was a massacre. He took my sock headband as a trophy before he left.

I finished the day bruised, broken, and with one sock on. The next day my Venice poster was gone and in its place was a picture of someone's butt made on the same copy machine I once ruled. I had to quit my job from humiliation and shame. Too bad, the health benefits would have come in handy after the beating I took.
If you are buying this poster for prestige, honor, or respect then you should just pass. Buy it for someone you don't like in hopes that they will have an experience like mine.
Thanks Venice Bridge Poster Print!!
Comment Comments (7) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Dec 6, 2014 1:58 PM PST

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