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Rev. Chris Myers M.Div. "Pastor Christopher C. Myers M. Div." (Pineville KY)
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful
Boundaries in Marriage Cloud and Townsend
, June 20, 2011
This self help book is about healthy relationships in marriage. This is a great theoretical model for maintaining sound marital relationships. Cloud and Townsend superimpose principles in the context of God's gift, which in marriage is first and foremost, love. Boundaries are significant in all relationships and work as health factors. Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend are two of America's leading authorities in counseling. Townsend authored or co-authored twenty one books with over 5 million copies sold. This particular work has sold over two million copies.
Dr. Henry Could is also a bestselling author with over 5 million copies of some 20 books authored. Leadership, performance and ability is what he has fastened in his practical, biblical solutions and substantial resources compiled over the years. Together these men are profound in their approaches to values and structures of life's needs. The principles in this masterful work describes the essential rough parts of a marriage and moves to bring together two people into a concert of oneness, care, respect and intimacy that God intended in a marriage.
Today is the day to work on boundaries in marriage and that does not mean that you are to fix, change or punish your mate in establishing them. Doctors Cloud and Townsend display for us the workings of a great relationship if we own our lives, set in place boundaries that are practical, hard and even sometimes punitive to the point of ensuring success in our relationships.
Overview of theoretical orientation process
We are instructed on the big three realities that are needful for freedom in relationships. Through the whole Bible we are given the responsibility to live free, take responsibility for our freedom, and love God and others. If we want our relationships to work we must allow love to grow. Freedom and responsibility are a must for a healthy relationship. "Love only exists where there is freedom." Boundaries should be self imposed, as boundaries are not enforceable to our spouses. One of the most basic boundaries is language. Our words define us to others. If we do not articulate what we expect we will not see.
* Truth- When we live in truth we are protected. Lying, stealing, committing adultery, coveting, are all violation of these God given boundaries.
* Consequences-Imposing restrictions to communicate boundaries are at time necessary.
Canceling credit cards, ending abusive conversations, refusing to enable the irresponsible mate by assisting poor behaviors enable people in denial to be corrected.
* Emotional distance - at times when a relationship is hurtful, we may have to guard our hearts. (Prov. 4:23)
* Physical distance-At times we may have to get away from hurtful relationships. Removal of oneself from a particularly harmful, abusive, addictive or even violent behaviors is prudent.
* Time- we are not to hide from conflict but to use biblical principles to combat incorrect assumptions and use practical distances, as well as knowing what to do with the correct boundaries.
All of these cause action and change. Boundaries are built to define the relationship. The only place that inner personal boundaries are real is within relationship. Defining, taking ownership and responsibility, realizing freedom, making correct choices, doing hard work to change the relationship into what is needed are all necessary. To be in a lasting meaningful relationship we need to learn to love, learn to apply biblical principles and bring maturity to our lives.
Applying the ten laws of boundaries into marriage
Boundaries in marriage always require knowledge of the situation. These laws may assist us in solving problems before they start. The below list gives us laws that can depict symptoms as well as put in motion remedies to problems prevalent in marriages.
Law #1. The law of sowing and reaping. Our actions have consequences. When we do loving, responsible things, people are drawn to us. Conversely our poor decisions or actions repel people to the point of the relationship ending. My sowing righteousness in my life, promotes health in the church. As a pastor I am either a shepherd or a wolf. I either draw people or repel them in what is done in my life and in the relationships I have been blessed with. Our sowing and reaping affect the lives of the entire body of believers. We need to make sure that we are faithful and that our actions and attitudes towards our wives are absolutely above board at all times.
Law #2. The law of Responsibility. While we are to avoid taking ownership for others lives, we are to carry each other's burdens, thereby fulfilling the law of Christ. Each of us must take care of our own responsibilities and not use boundaries as a weapon to assert power.
Law #3. The Law of Power. Spouses try to use boundaries to assert power and this does not work. The spouse that wants to grow spiritually needs to give up attempts to control.
Law #4. The law of Respect. If we desire others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect the boundaries of others.
Law #5. The Law of Motivation. We must be free to choose to say yes or no, then we can choose wisely. If we are motivated by fear, control, or anything that is not motivated by love, respect and wisdom of what God requires, we are absolutely outside of healthy boundaries.
Law # 6. The Law of Evaluation. We need to evaluate the pain that our boundaries inflict on others. We also need to ensure that our boundaries are ethically correct.
Law # 7. The Law of Proactivity. We need to take action and solve problems on our values, wants and needs.
Law# 8. The Law of Envy. We will never get what we want if we focus outside of biblical boundaries. Envy and strife are not good motivational reasons to draw or impose boundaries on us or others.
Law# 9. The Law of Activity. We need to take initiative and set boundaries instead of being passive. We need to be the initiator and not wait for our spouses to make the first move.
Law# 10. The Law of Exposure. We need to communicate our boundaries to each other.
If we learn the parameters of these laws we can see when they are violated and then are able to prescribe solutions to people. As couples learn these laws, they can start applying them to themselves and their relationships. I believe that this book can be a real asset to a marriage and will be prescribed as such.
Through this book I have learned that "I" need to be free from the universe revolving around me as well as start looking for the laws being violated in me.
Cloud and Townsend teach us when to say yes and when to say no, creating in us boundaries that are healthy and promote responsibility, love, and freedom which are crucial in love and a sound marriage. Controlling others is the antithesis of having boundaries in marriage. The authors do not spend time on how to establish boundaries they are busy defining unhealthy boundaries and pinpointing boundary weaknesses and prescribing treatments for them.
It is noted that relationships should not have the ultimate goal of making self happy, and we all need to overcome the basic egocentricity of life, inborn in us, that "The World revolves around me." Cloud and Townsend market successfully the plan of establishing healthy boundaries for a healthy relationship. When those boundaries are violated we can see that relationships can misfire causing a myriad of problems. We can see where these techniques will assist us in preparing for counseling.
When either spouse begins to set boundaries, the lack of Christ likeness appears as immaturity and doing so disenables hurtful behavior as well as assists the partner to grow up.
Through learning about boundaries, we can make our relationships better, and if in jeopardy, it is possible to save them.
Self control, biblical precepts, practical admonition is all adequate remedies to the problems we face modern marriages. As we read these books that we are multitasking into our repertoire of techniques, they are good counseling tools that can pry into the lives of people in a way as to assist them in finding truly what is desired and that is to have peace, safety, love and self fulfillment.
Boundaries are necessary solutions to poor decisions, as we utilize these paradigms, and laws remedies to problems are found and practical solutions can be applied. We benefit by the use of the tool discovery that the authors have both tried and tested. Boundaries are practical ways to make changes to conflict ridden relationships and affect interdisciplinary misnomers, particularly marriages.
EXCELLENT WORK Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend! Highly reccomended for any library and as a precription to people seeking great counsel.
[...] Accessed 06/19/11
[...] Accessed 06/19/2011
Referred to the articles wording and concepts in the article that applied to the reading.
Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Marriage Understanding the choices that
make or break loving relationships. Zondervan, Grand Rapids Mich. 1999
Pastor Chris Myers ThM. (Facebook0