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A Rite of Swords (Book #7 in the Sorcerer's Ring)
A Rite of Swords (Book #7 in the Sorcerer's Ring)
Price: $3.99

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars A Rite of Wrongs, October 8, 2013
Verified Purchase(What's this?)
I now read these books for comedic relief. Therefore here's my personal DRAMATIC interpretation of the book. Ahem. Ready?

---------------- SPOILER ALERT ----------------

THOR: I can't believe my father is a monster. C'mon, I don't even look like him. I demand a DNA test. And yeah, I should be saving those poor people being slaughtered by Empire soldiers, but I'm going to make a booty call on Gwendolyn instead.

Thor lands his dragon on Gwen's tower ledge . . .

THOR: My love, I've restored the Shield and freed the people.

GWEN: Oh Thorgrin, I always knew your poop didn't smell!

THOR (to self): I MUST propose to her. NOW is the time. But I must FIRST tell her about my father. However, I CAN'T tell her about my father because I'm too ashamed. So now is NOT the time to propose to her. Oh cruel and confusing logic! . . . if c = a+ b but b is greater than c . . . and if a train leaves the station at 4pm traveling northeast at 45 mph . . .

Later . . .

EREC: I've lived a good and honorable life, but since we can't win this battle it's time to die. But wait; is that Thor that I see in the sky, riding a dragon with his maiden Gwen, just in the nick of time?

THOR: Yo, representin'

And then later . . .

KENDRICK: I've lived a good and honorable life, but since we can't win this battle it's time to die. But wait, is that Thor that I see . . . well, you know the rest.

And later . . .

ANDRONICUS: Ah, that mamaluke son o' mine! I only got a half a million soldiers left. And I'm trapped here since the Shield is back up. But not really trapped in thuh Merriam-Webster sense of the word since I can still cross the Shield and leave the Highlands. But no, I'm trapped! Oh wait, bada bing! I forgot about the evil sorcerer that's part of my posse. Yo, Ravi!

RAVI: What up.

ANDRONICUS: Uh, how you doin'?

RAVI: What. Up.

ANDRONICUS: Uh, how can I whack Thor?

RAVI: He's got powerful mojo but take away his dragon and his sword and he's basically Justin Bieber.

Meanwhile . . .

LUANDA: Gwendolyn, Gwendolyn, Gwendolyn! I deserve to be queen, not her! I'm making a deal with Andronicus to get even with her once and for all.

BRONSON: Great news everyone! My good wife Luanda has smoked the peace pipe with Andronicus and he's agreed to surrender! So there's no need for Thor to kill the remaining half-million Empire soldiers! Uh, Andronicus will only surrender to Thor, who must come alone and unarmed, but it's not a trap, honest!

THOR, GWEN, and "THE PEOPLE": It sounds good to us! We trust Andronicus! Just because he and his men slaughtered, raped, and tortured tens of thousands of us, and prides himself on NEVER surrendering, we think this is a good plan. Hello peace!

GWEN: Thorgrin, before you go, there's something I desperately need to tell you. I've desperately needed to tell you this for about 4 books now. I'm desperate.

THOR: Say what?

GWEN: No, now is NOT the time.

THOR: Gwen, there's something I desperately need to tell YOU. About my father. You see, he's . . . Andronicus!

GWEN (vigorous head movement, hair weave partially falls out): Say what? You mean I got busy with Hellboy's son? Oh no, get to steppin'!

Later . . .

THOR: What's wrong with my dragon? She doesn't want to land in front of Andronicus's tent. She can't be thinking that Dad is trying to ambush me. Now is NOT the time to pay attention to her. I'll just put some of Gwen's hair weave over her eyes so she won't see where we're landing.

They land, they get trapped in a magical net, and Thor realizes that now WAS the time to listen to his dragon.

And in the Highlands, everyone wonders why Gwen has a scarf on her head.

Comment Comment (1) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Aug 23, 2014 8:03 AM PDT

Twelve Sharp (A Stephanie Plum Novel) (Stephanie Plum Novels)
Twelve Sharp (A Stephanie Plum Novel) (Stephanie Plum Novels)
by Janet Evanovich
Edition: Hardcover
Price: $26.95
830 used & new from $0.01

50 of 64 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Lather, Rinse, Repeat, August 20, 2006
There's no denying that the Stephanie Plum books are a humorous, light read. However, I'm amazed at the repetitious nature of each book. If you're a fan of the series, think through previous books and tell me if they don't all include the following plot lines:


(Plot Line 1): Stephanie attends at least one dinner at her parent's house in which: a) Grandma Mazur makes an off-color reference about something sexual in nature; b) Grandma Mazur tells the family of her plans to attend a funeral; c) Stephanie's dad grunts or rolls his eyes at Grandma Mazur but doesn't say much else; d) Stephanie's mother begs her to keep an eye on Grandma Mazur at the aforementioned funeral; or, e) all of the above.

(Plot Line 2): Grandma Mazur attends at least one funeral and attempts to open the lid of a casket. Stephanie has to remove Grandma Mazur from the premises and apologize to the funeral director.


(Plot Line 3): Stephanie makes at least one unsuccessful attempt to apprehend an FTA.

(Plot Line 4): Lula accompanies Stephanie on one or more FTA busts; on at least one such excursion they stop to eat fattening food or go shopping.


(Plot Line 5): One or more bad guys are stalking Stephanie, attempting to do her bodily harm, or attempting to kill her.

(Plot Line 6): Stephanie, even though her life is in danger (see item above), decides to disregard all safety precautions or advice provided by Joe and/or Ranger and therefore: a) drives to her parent's home, thus endangering their lives; b) drives to her apartment unarmed and alone; c) drives to a convenience store to satisfy a food craving; d) conducts her daily activities unprotected, as if no danger exists; or, e) all of the above.

(Plot Line 7): Stephanie, immediately after being: a) captured by a bad guy; b) assaulted by a bad guy; c) tortured by a bad guy; d) shot at by a bad guy; or e) all of the above, ponders telling Joe or Ranger about the incident but decides against doing so because she doesn't want them to think she's incompetent.

(Plot Line 8): Because of Stephanie's actions in the above plot lines, Joe and/or Ranger spend time looking for and worrying about Stephanie.

(Plot Line 9): Stephanie finds at least one dead body.


(Plot Line 10): Stephanie spends time with Joe but also either kisses, fondles, or fantasizes about Ranger.

(Plot Line 11): Stephanie lies, sometimes through omission, to Joe about her relationship with Ranger.

(Plot Line 12): Stephanie spends time pondering whether she wants to be with Joe or Ranger.

Write a scene for each of these tried-and-true plot lines, intersperse them with a central mystery that involves a murder, an abduction, a missing person, or an FTA and you've got a Stephanie Plum book.

Comment Comments (8) | Permalink | Most recent comment: Mar 10, 2013 8:44 AM PDT

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