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The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships [Paperback]

Harriet Lerner (Author)
4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (125 customer reviews)
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The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships + The Dance of Intimacy + The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“Of all the books that have been written about the personal relationships of women and what to do about them, this is the most sound. Like a family heirloom, it can be passed from generation to generation as it is based on profound and lasting truths.” (Peggy Papp, M.S.W., The Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy )

Product Description

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers.While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 256 pages
  • Publisher: Harper Paperbacks (May 3, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 006074104X
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060741044
  • Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 5.3 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (125 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #3,090 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
    #18 in  Books > Health, Mind & Body > Mental Health > Happiness
    #1 in  Books > Health, Mind & Body > Authors, A-Z > Lerner, Harriet
    #7 in  Books > Health, Mind & Body > Psychology & Counseling > By Topic > Gender

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Harriet Lerner
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Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Index | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
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Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
underfunctioning position, blaming position, pursuit cycle, ineffective fighting, family diagram, old triangle, sibling position, circular dance, family triangle, female anger
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The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
92% buy the item featured on this page:
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner Paperback 4.7 out of 5 stars (125)
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The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner Paperback 4.4 out of 5 stars (30)
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The Dance of Intimacy
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Customer Reviews

125 Reviews
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Average Customer Review
4.7 out of 5 stars (125 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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231 of 234 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars What is my anger telling me?, July 15, 2001
This review is from: The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (Paperback)
A large number of books on the topic of anger have recently come into my house -- how to recognize anger, what it means, and how to "control" it. This is the only one of these books that I liked. All the other books on this topic seem to treat anger as a loss of control, which should be repressed. In fact, they seem to be about impulse control more than about anger. (I have nothing against people learning to control their impulses, I just don't think that it's the same topic as the topic of anger.) Luckily, I did not pay for any of these books, so I can just be glad I read this one, and forget about the others.

In this book, Lerner treats anger as a signal that something is going wrong. She explains that only when we address the "something wrong" in a useful way will the anger go away. Then she explores the "dances" we engage in, in our attempts to make ourselves feel better. She suggests that most of our attempts to make ourselves feel better focus on the person(s) we think made us mad, rather than on ourselves. She compassionately and wisely shows how to disengage from the anger and the counter-productive patterns, while staying connected and acting with integrity. However, she also acknowledges the effect that this sort of change can have on other people in the dance, and she provides guidance in maintaining oneself in the face of countermoves.

Fundamentally, this is not the kind of self-help book that provides 10 easy steps to ridding oneself of anger. Instead, it describes a different way to think about anger, and discussion of the ways in wich one can respond to anger. No easy steps, just a way of thinking, which can radically change the way one engages with the world.

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99 of 101 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars Use anger to make your life better, July 31, 1999
By A Customer
This review is from: The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (Paperback)
I found this book as impossible to put down as any thriller -- it was fascinating even when it didn't directly apply to me. But most of it did.

All my life I have had a problem expressing anger. It usually comes out as tears, which does not impress anyone or improve the situation, or else I swallow it and tell myself it's not important. This book has helped me to understand that when I'm angry, it means something is wrong, and I attempt to calmly identify what that is, and take steps to make it better. I'm not expert at this yet, but the book has given me hope that small changes can lead to big improvement over time.

All in all, this is a great book for anyone whose anger has ever made them feel ashamed or powerless. Read and reread until your anger works for you, not against you.

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111 of 116 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Wow !, October 28, 2001
By Kelley Hunt (Texas, USA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (Paperback)
Many years ago someone recommended that I read this book but I didn't bother. I thought "Yeah right, another self-help book. I don't think so!" I was so wrong. This book dares to take on that ugly, taboo emotion: ANGER! If you never learned good solutions for understanding and dealing with your anger, this is a book you need to read. It is filled with insight about anger. It also offers constructive solutions for getting rid of anger, and improving relationships with people who make us angry. It deals with generational patterns of anger! This book is not just for women. Men, too, could learn a lot from reading this book and putting it's suggestions into practice. Very highly recommended.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5 stars This Book Speaks to ME
Well, I am not quite finished yet, but I have already determined that this book is amazing.

I am one who has dealt with anger issues since I can remember. Read more
Published 8 days ago by Bookworm Becky

5.0 out of 5 stars Scary how well she nails it
I have immersed myself in the last year in every form of self-improvement and introspection possible. Read more
Published 12 days ago by Beatrix Potter

5.0 out of 5 stars The Dance of Anger - Harriet Lerner, PhD
Reading this book and an applying its tools and principles changed the direction of my life almost immediately. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Overhauled

5.0 out of 5 stars The Dance of Anger
Harriet Lerner's books are one of the best, easy to read and understand help books that I have read to take a new look at one's most intimate relationships. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Beginning again

5.0 out of 5 stars A cornerstone book.
I first stumbled into this book in 1992/3. Since then, it has been one of THE books I bring me with wherever I've lived --I find that across so many contexts, cultures and... Read more
Published 2 months ago by CLAUDIA

4.0 out of 5 stars Dance with Anger review
Very happy with this book. It has been a great help in my journey to understand not only my own anger but others in my family and some of the issues we have been dealing with. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Deborah S. Dunker

4.0 out of 5 stars Dance of Anger - book
I feel this is a good book for any woman dealing with anger in a variety of different relationship patterns. Read more
Published 4 months ago by K. McCaslin

4.0 out of 5 stars A totally different approach to anger
This book has a totally different approach to anger compared to other Self-Help books. It has examples which look at intimate relationships which affect every woman's life- with... Read more
Published 5 months ago by wanttoattainirvana

4.0 out of 5 stars Useful and informative
Anger is a powerful force in relationships and this is a very useful guide to help navigate these treacherous waters. Read more
Published 7 months ago by Anne Mattos-Leedom

1.0 out of 5 stars You know what they say about assuming...
This book was highly recommended to me by someone whose opinion I value, so I was expecting a lot and was incredibly disappointed with the content. Read more
Published 7 months ago by Snapper

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