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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason (Paperback)

~ (Author) "I have sometimes derived comfort from the idea that, despite all the mistakes I've made (and will continue to make) as a parent, my children..." (more)
Key Phrases: conditional parenting, love without strings attached, unconditional parents, Thomas Gordon, Alice Miller, Martin Hoffman (more...)
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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Author of nine books, including the controversial Punished by Rewards, Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards. Kohn, the father of young children, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally—that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, bribes and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true. Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humor and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out). This lively book will surely rile parents who want to be boss. Those seeking alternative methods of raising confident, well-loved children, however, will warmly embrace Kohn's message. (Mar.)Forecast: Kohn is a controversial and popular author/speaker, well regarded by scholars and educators. This title should appeal to parents who want to explore the "whys" and not just the "hows" of raising kids.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"Alfie Kohn does it again: He takes a topic (parenting) that has been studied and written about for years and gives us a wise way of adjusting our lenses so that we really see it clearly. He doesn't give simple rules, he gives deep understanding and a core foundation for parents."

--JoAnn Deak, Girls Will Be Girls --This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Atria; 1st Atria Books Trade Pbk. Ed edition (March 28, 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0743487486
  • ISBN-13: 978-0743487481
  • Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.4 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (78 customer reviews)
  • Amazon.com Sales Rank: #9,283 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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More About the Author

Alfie Kohn
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Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Index | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
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Inside This Book (learn more)
First Sentence:
I have sometimes derived comfort from the idea that, despite all the mistakes I've made (and will continue to make) as a parent, my children will turn out just fine for the simple reason that I really love them. Read the first page
Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
conditional parenting, love without strings attached, unconditional parents, love withdrawal, withholding love
Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Thomas Gordon, Alice Miller, Martin Hoffman
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Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Index | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
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This book cites 74 books:
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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
82% buy the item featured on this page:
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Customer Reviews

78 Reviews
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Average Customer Review
4.0 out of 5 stars (78 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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89 of 94 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars I have SERIOUSLY mixed feelings about this book, June 29, 2009
Overall, I'm glad I read it, as it is a thought-provoking read that ultimately made a better parent just by grappling with the issues it presents.

Here is what I liked about it:

Kohn emphasizes teaching empathy, teaching kids about the effects their behavior will have on OTHER people, not just on themselves; teaching kids to behave because it's the right thing to do, not out of fear of punishment or desire for reward. This is an extremely important and useful concept that many parenting books neglect.

I think many of his observations about "conditional" parenting are spot on, and things I remember painfully from my own childhood.

Everything he says is well-documented, not just his own spouting opinion. I think he is especially brave to take on race, religion and culture when he makes his assertions. I find his information about self-esteem to be particularly relevant.

I like that he allows hardworking parents to cut themselves a slice of slack. The world is not going to come to a crashing halt if your child sees you fumble. I have a three-year-old, and his advice about three-year-olds is helpful in the practical sense. There truly ARE many times when I feel like yelling at my child, "Are you dense?!" only to have Kohn's words echo back at me, "I'm not dense! I'm THREE!" A lot of this information is reassuring and helps me to be more calm and patient.

Finally, he advises parents to take his own advice with a grain of salt, something most parenting gurus won't do. He acknowledges that there are times when your child needs a bath or you need to get out of the house by a certain time and you will have to impose your will on the child and there isn't a way around that. He acknowledges that sometimes a thought experiment is just a thought experiment. I appreciate that kind of honesty.

What I didn't like:

Kohn jumps to conclusions a lot and misses some important details. For example, he says that a creative, empathetic child is better than an obedient child. Well, you know, in the long run, sure, I want my child to be creative and self-reliant and not be a "yes-child" who bows to every authority. But when she was two, I had a terrible time teaching her to walk on the side of the street instead of in the middle (no sidewalks in our neighborhood). It took many tries of picking her up and carrying her home kicking and screaming before she learned to obey me. The point is, sometimes there ARE times when you just plain want your child to obey, and when obedience is a necessary, reasonable goal in the situation. The younger the child, the more true this is, but a child of any age needs to have SOME respect for authority. Maybe not total blind obedience, but some level of acknowledgment that there are people who know more than he does whom he might just benefit from listening to.

And any parent can tell you there are some times when your kid is just plain being bratty, and you as the parent have to make him toe the line. I'm not a huge fan of time-out or punishment in general, but there are times when it IS called for, and it is not love withdrawal. Or if it is, then maybe that's what's needed to get the kid to stop being obnoxious! I feel particularly strongly about natural consequences. Kohn claims that what your child will remember is not the lesson, but that you could have helped and didn't. Well, maybe. But I'm sure all of us who had halfway decent parents will remember some times in our childhood when our parents did things we didn't like at the time, but now that we're grown, we're glad for the lessons we learned from them. My dad taught me to play the trumpet, standing behind me with his hands around my waist, making me push out his hands breathing with my diaphragm. I would never have developed good musicianship if he hadn't done that. My husband's mother used to make him cook meals from scratch AND clean up after himself. We wouldn't be as healthy if she hadn't done that. Sometimes parents have to do things that their kids are going to find jerky, or at least not helpful, at the time, but nevertheless it's necessary to do it anyway. It all depends on the individual parents and children and the situation--it's not something you can make a blanket statement about (at least not an accurate blanket statement).

I totally disagree with Kohn that being polite ("please" and "thank you") for its own sake is pointless, and most certainly will encourage a child to use those words, even if she's not old enough to talk yet and I have to say them for her. I do agree with him that the point is to make the other person feel good, not to get what you yourself want, so I won't force the issue.

Finally, I think that all of Kohn's advice on the whole carried out to its logical extreme is just impossible. It would result in mass scale brattiness that would undo all the creativity and empathy that might go along with it.

My conclusions:

I think it's best for a person to have medium self-esteem. I want my daughter to feel like a good and capable person without having an overinflated ego. I do praise her when she has done something genuinely impressive, when I think she really HAS done a good job; I would praise any friend or relative of any age in that instance. I do NOT praise her as positive reinforcement to get her to do it again, nor do I pile on empty praise to inflate her ego. I try to help her see how her actions, good and bad, affect others; but when she really is being obnoxious, I have no qualms about either letting the chips fall where they may (natural consequences) or removing either herself or myself from the situation (punishment, albeit mild punishment; "love withdrawal"). I tell her I love her even when I'm angry, but that doesn't stop me from letting her know that what she did was wrong.

I'm glad I read this book and I recommend it to anyone who can read it with an open, critical mind and find what makes sense and what applies and what doesn't.

By the way, I know some young adults who were raised this way. They did indeed "turn out well" as far as being creative and empathetic; they're nice people. But they're not doing so well on the "go-to-work-every-day-and-hold-down-a-job-in-order-to-pay-their-own-bills" front. I don't know if this is a phase they will outgrow or if maybe a little more discipline when they were younger might have helped move them along a bit.
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40 of 42 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars A much-needed shift in thinking about parenting, July 9, 2006
By Mark S. Meritt (Red Hook, NY USA) - See all my reviews
This is perhaps one of the most important books I've read.

It makes a strong case for why both punishment/criticism/consequences and rewards/praise not only are ineffective in getting kids to do what we want but also cause lasting harm to kids' development. It provides many great insights toward alternatives, all flowing from the idea that we must unconditionally meet children's needs, that this is how we can give kids a solid foundation upon which to develop healthfully.

Yet the book is certainly not about being a pushover as a parent. The punishment/reward opposites it criticzes are distinguished as, themselves, just one side of another pair of dysfunctional parenting opposites. They are just different ways to use power to control kids. On the other hand is permissiveness, which is also ineffective. The book makes clear that it is both possible and necessary to be a parent, to set boundaries, and that it's simply a question of how one does so, respecting kids as human beings and seeking to work with them toward positive ends rather than do things to them that can't possibly move them toward the ends we want.

UP sheds a great amount of light on parenting, education and, if one is willing to extend its ideas, communication in general, even among adults. On top of all this, it is an easy and enjoyable read.

For those already interested in approaches such as attachment parenting, unschooling, positive discipline, etc., this book is a must read, giving perhaps the broadest picture possible about why these various approaches are so necessary and providing ways for people to make connections among them.

For anyone who is a parent of a child of any age, for anyone who relates with kids of any age, and really for anyone who wants to improve their communication and their relationships in general, I highly recommend that you find an opportunity to read this book soon.
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89 of 103 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars Thought provoking, but not helpful, January 3, 2007
I found the book very interesting, and it challenged many of my guiding premises about parenting. I had always considered myself a patient, loving Mom..But Alfie set me straight!! No, seriously..I agree with him that it is necessary to consider a child's needs, valuable to consider their feelings, and important to respect them as individuals....But, there is a lot to be said for controlling their behavior and avoiding bedlam in your home. He equates allowing children to experience natural consequenses with punishing and spanking..all tantamount to withdrawal of love..and he goes too far.
I'm glad I've read it, and would reccomend it as PART OF a parenting library...But the ideals presented are not realistic, as the author himself admits when he says that he uses consequenses when absolutly needed. I like the concept that our goal as parents should be studied, and our parenting choices should fit that goal. there is value in this book..But it's far from a "How To" raise great people kind of book..Lots of theory and condemnation of current practices..and lots to think about.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews

2.0 out of 5 stars How about some examples...
I've read The Homework Myth by Kohn, and really liked it, but this was a giant yawn. I think the difference is that you can say, "homework is bad and here are a thousand studies... Read more
Published 22 days ago by Pooped Out Mommy

2.0 out of 5 stars I wish I hadn't read it
This book has made me reflect on many aspects of my parenting.
Unfortunately, it did so by making me feel guilty and berated. Read more
Published 2 months ago by minmin

4.0 out of 5 stars Grown-ups are often grateful for having been disciplined in their childhood
Alfie Kohn deserves recognition for his extensive research, not just for his own spouting opinion, how to become better parents, as reflected in Unconditional Parenting. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Alter Wiener

5.0 out of 5 stars The New Insight
This book provides a radical view of child rearing. It is very well researched and it won the National Parenting Publications 2006 Gold Award. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Paul Brenner

5.0 out of 5 stars not for lazy parents
If you want a book that tells you what to do and when - this is not the book for you. If your goal is to simply get your child to "behave," look somewhere else. Read more
Published 5 months ago by no

5.0 out of 5 stars Very Useful
I actually found this book by way of recommendation from a friend regarding attachment parenting & first borrowed it from our local library but quickly realized I needed to own a... Read more
Published 5 months ago by Mell

2.0 out of 5 stars Very good thought provoking ideals-negative and daunting borderline shameful writing
I am glad that I read it because it has great ideas but I think I will take the ideas and questions that I felt were appropriate and find another avenue with which to explore... Read more
Published 6 months ago by MAA

3.0 out of 5 stars Concise and easy to understand
I wouldn't claim that this is his best work until now, but this tiny book of his actually managed to give layperson especially parents (those who do not specialise in psychology)a... Read more
Published 9 months ago by Lee Chee Hao

5.0 out of 5 stars Good
A real eye opener on how to cherish little people and enable them to grow into assured, self confident adults. Read more
Published 9 months ago by Giwi

5.0 out of 5 stars wonderful parenting book- should be required reading in high school
This book is really a wonderful tool for parents- new parents, people who want to be parents and people who have been parents for a while. Read more
Published 10 months ago by E. Hurtt

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