Unusually Stupid Celebrities: A Compendium of All-Star Stupidity (Paperback)

The Greeks honored Zeus, the Romans revered Juno, but modern civilization worships a different sort of god: Celebrity. Face it, we follow the stars’ every move, fashion choice, and deliciously dishy affairs. Now Kathryn Petras and Ross Petras, authors of Unusually Stupid Americans, pull the demanding divas, screwball stars, and celebu-twits off their pedestals–and prove it doesn’t take a degree in rocket science to become famous. Cases in point:

• Courtney Love misses an important court date relating to “possession of a controlled substance” because she can’t find a professional bodyguard at the last minute.
• Mariah Carey’s entourage includes a skirt-from-touching-floor specialist, a towel hand-off person, and a professional drink holder/lifter.
• Savvy traveler Paris Hilton concludes that all of Europe is, “like, French.”
• Mensa candidate and rocker Tommy Lee is pretty sure that Winston Churchill was president during the Civil War, that the numeric equivalent of pi is “the two-equals-MC-squared thing,” and that an isosceles triangle is “somewhere in Bermuda.”

Feuds, faith, family, money, sex, tantrums, travel–no star-studded stone is left unturned. Filled with jaw-dropping anecdotes, quirky quotes, and special stupid-celebrity awards, Unusually Stupid Celebrities provides a red-faced glimpse of the red carpet.

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THE CONCERNED CELEBRITY

Celebrities on the World Around Us

Celebrities are like superheroes—they are powerful beings who can use their special skills for good. Or evil, for that matter.

So let us take a look at how celebrities use their power on the world stage.

Celebrities Solve All the World’s Problems, Part 1

It is terribly easy—and terribly unfair—to dismiss celebrities as mere pretty faces. These people are thinkers and carers and doers. Like so many of us, they worry about the world of today, about the pressing problems we face. And, as so-called “creatives,” they are chock-full of extremely creative (not to mention innovative) suggestions on how to solve these problems. We are shocked, shocked, that no one has ever acted upon these ideas.

Let us take a look, then, at some of the most pressing problems existing in the 21st century—and the solutions proposed by various celebrities.

World Problem #1: Terrorism

Celebrity Solution: Put “all the mean people” in a special terrorist country

Tara Reid is one helluva prognosticator. In fact, we wonder why she has never been a talking head on CNN. (Open note to CNN: Sign this gal up!) After the London terrorist subway bombings, she came up with a sage idea on how to prevent further terrorism:

“I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.”

And this makes us sad too.

World Problem #2: The high crime rate

Celebrity Solution: Nudity on television

Why listen to endless debates about the pros and cons of gun control? The issue, apparently, isn’t about bearing arms, but baring arms . . . and breasts . . . and everything else. Or, to put it more succinctly—as rapper and erstwhile social reformer Nelly sums it up:

“I could turn on just about any television channel in Europe and see full nudity. And their crime rate is a lot lower than ours. Go figure.”

Excellent point, Nelly!

World Problem #3: The environment

Celebrity Solution: Educate yourself

Yes, this sounds a little simplistic, but as any celebrity could tell you, it’s vital to keep up with studies about pollution, the greenhouse effect, global warming, etc. It’s not enough to just drive a Prius. Instead, we should all take a page from actress Kate Bosworth’s book and be students of environmental issues. Know the facts! Learn everything you can! This will enable you to make the right choices to protect Mother Earth. Just listen to her commentary:

“There was just a study done actually, I saw it on Regis and Kelly, I can’t remember how many hours a year a person uses being in their car in L.A., but it’s, like, a lot of time.”

World Problem #3a: The environment

Another Celebrity Solution: Shit in the woods

Drew Barrymore realizes the way to saving the environment is for all of us to live more in tune with nature. Drew—who, incidentally, earns about $15 million a film—spent some time in a primitive Chilean village for an MTV series. “I aspire to be like them more,” she raved (perhaps ignoring their high infant mortality rate and short life expectancies). Highlight of her visit?

“I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome.”

World Problem #4: War

Celebrity Solution: Anus-smelling

Actor Dustin Hoffman puts his proboscis in the, er, meat of the matter when it comes to preventing war:

“When a lot of dogs are on the beach, the first thing they do is smell each other’s asses. The information that’s gotten somehow makes pacifists out of all of them. I’ve thought, ‘If only we smelled each other’s asses, there wouldn’t be any war.’ ”

(Note: Hoffman, unfortunately, did not offer further explanations on how to decipher the meaning of said ass-scents, nor did he delineate the preferred method of ass-smelling.)

World Problem #5: Nuclear waste disposal

Celebrity Solution: Kabbalah water

Okay, yes, it was Madonna who came up with this solution. (How did you guess?)

Concerned about the possibility of an ecological disaster due to too much nuclear waste, she and hubby Guy “Yes, I Am a Director, Not Just Her Husband” Ritchie began lobbying the British government and nuclear industry to let them know they had the perfect answer: Kabbalah water, a “mystical” liquid that helps do pretty much anything and everything—including, clearly, defanging nuclear waste. And they had proof!—well, “claims”—that the magic fluid already has worked on Russian nuclear waste.

Sadly, scientists and government officials aren’t as prescient as Madge and remain naysayers. Said one, “It was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically.”

World Problem #6: Too much negativity

Celebrity Solution: Positivity!

One final problem and solution—and this one is of

a more general nature. We are speaking of the relentless negativity that pervades this world. How can we rid our planet of this negative energy? How can we turn from the dark to the light? Kate Bosworth knows, and it’s really all just so simple, we’re shocked no one has thought of it before:

“If you, like, have everybody taking ten minutes a day and really focusing on, like, positivity and a better world and a better self, like, imagine all that, just all that positivity going out there.”

Oh, yeah, baby! We can dig it!

Celebrities’ Great Contributions to Humanity

Some stars go one step further. They not only suggest, they contribute to humankind. They sacrifice themselves to the higher good, they walk the lonely walk. For themselves? No—for their fans, for their fellow countrymen (and women). In short, for us all.

Celebrity Humanitarian: Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs)

Great Contribution to Humanity: Getting rid of the “P” from his name

It was tough, perhaps, but he had to do it, explained Diddy, once known as P. Diddy. His relationship with his fans was important and yet he felt himself somehow becoming separated from them. What to do? He decided to sacrifice of an integral part of himself. . . .

“I felt like the ‘P’ was coming between me and my fans. We had to simplify it. It was, you know, during concerts and half the crowd saying ‘P. Diddy’ and half the crowd chanting ‘Diddy.’ Now everybody can just chant ‘Diddy.’ ”

The man may have lost his initial “P,” but grateful fans will cherish the sacrifice. For now they all can chant, “Diddy.”

Celebrity Humanitarian: Supermodel Fabio

Great Contribution to Humanity: Speaking out publicly on the dangers of getting hit in the head by flying birds that live near roller coasters at theme parks

Sometimes it needs someone famous to alert the public to lurking hidden dangers. In superbuff Fabio’s case his mission began with a seemingly innocent promotional ride on Busch Gardens Williamsburg’s new Apollo’s Chariot roller coaster. Unfortunately, during the promotional roller coaster ride, Fabio’s face suffered a mid-ride collision with a flying bird (reportedly a goose) that ended in a bloody human-avian mess.

The supermodel, blood streaming from his nose, was taken to a nearby hospital, treated for a minor cut, and released. The goose, alas, did not fare as well; someone reported a dead goose floating in a nearby body of water.

In eloquent but broken English, the charming hard-headed Italian hunk related the very real dangers of being-hit-in-the-head-by-flying- birds-while-riding-on-a-roller-coaster on the TV morning shows, and issued a gentle but firm statement urging Busch Gardens “now” to install safety measures so “that this will not happen again.” He also warned the world of the important dangers of building theme parks with roller coaster rides near avian nesting or breeding areas.

The model, whose favorite color is turquoise and who adorns romance novel covers and serves as a spokesperson for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, sternly added that a similar incident “could cause more serious accidents or possibly a child’s death.”

Unfortunately, as one paper reported, “nationwide accident data involving birds, roller-coaster riders and birds versus roller- coaster riders were not immediately available.”

Celebrity Humanitarian: Soccer star David Beckham

Great Contribution to Humanity: Shaves mohawk haircut—for the children

Another child-oriented celebrity, soccer superstar David Beckham, quite charitably chose to abandon his famous Mohawk haircut. He was very concerned about children copying his hairstyle and getting into trouble.

Instead, the L.A. Galaxy player, then with Manchester United, decided to adopt a new, more mature style: He shaved off half of his eyebrow.

Later he shaved three lines in his eyebrow in a tribute to his megabucks-paying sponsor, triple-striped Adidas, actions which children presumably can comfortably emulate, their parents certainly understanding the value of lucrative sponsorships.

Celebrity Humanitarian: Actor David Hasselhoff

Great Contribution to Humanity: In a word, Baywatch

According to “the Hoff,” his TV show about buff and buffette lifeguards in L.A. was more than just a show about tits, ass, pecs, and abs...