Most Helpful Customer Reviews
|
|
21 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
We're not all playboys, you know, April 24, 2008
As a never-married man over 40, I was intrigued by the title of Carl Weisman's latest, "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" since I've been asked the same question more than once myself. We are all no doubt familiar with the stereotypes that go with this demographic group: irresponsible, afraid of commitment, hedonistic, self-absorbed, etc., etc. At least one well-known evangelical Christian author has taken chronically-unmarried men to task for failing to obey a perceived "marriage mandate" while remaining single.
What Carl Weisman discovered, when he took the trouble to actually sit down and talk to a representative sample of altar-dodgers, is that the reality is a lot more complicated. For every one that freely admits to being too selfish to head a family and raise children, there are many more who were traumatized by their parents' divorce, or who tried to succeed at matrimony but failed, leaving a trail of regrets.
Weisman introduces thirty-three diverse men who have yet to tie the knot, and weaves their stories throughout his study of why some guys never, for one reason or another, get around to getting hitched. He includes himself, too: unmarried at 48, the author shares his questions and struggles along with those of the men he profiles.
While those individuals are too complicated to be summed up with a tidy formula, Weisman's research does reveal that the men generally revere the institution of marriage even if they have not yet achieved it. His interviews also indicate that men can achieve a surprising level of contentment, even if marriage and family continue to elude them.
If nothing else, the book dispels some of the negative stereotypes about men who are slow to marry, and introduces the reader to some colorful and diverse characters.
"So Why Have You Never Been Married" opens a revealing window into the psyche of the perennially unmarried man for women who are interested in deciphering the workings of the male mind. It might also be helpful to aging parents still hoping for grandchildren, as well as for other guys who will find it reassuring to know that they are not alone.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you?
 
|
|
|
|
|
|
14 of 16 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
The Over 40 Single Never Married Man--Moving Toward Love "Our Way", May 13, 2008
I'm an over 40 single never married man. So naturally, I was very interested in Carl Weisman's new book, "So Why Have You Never Been Married".
By Carl's own admission, the project was undertaken to answer for HIM, why HE had never married at 48. He gives ALL of us so much more.
First, here's an anecdote from my own life as an over 40 single never married, which really underscores the need for this book. A number of years ago, I happened to find myself out on a "first date" with a nice young woman. Of course, the "subject question" of the book came up, "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" As I always do, I tried to as politely and succinctly as possible, explain that it was probably a "combination of my childhood experiences affecting my thought processes as an adult, but also, the notion that on some level I thought bachelorhood was "cool" for the freedom it provided me. Of course, also, that I had found a lot of "right ones", but not the ultimate "right one." This was the most sincere and best response I could think of in that moment. For most women, who I would date, this response was very understandable to them, and led to even deeper conversations around our childhoods, thought processes, belief systems, even, in some cases, what each of us as individuals enjoyed about our own independence, as man and woman, etc.
NOT for THIS woman. This response was not clear to her at all. An almost "FBI like" interrogation ensued. For many questions for several minutes. It finally got to the point where I literally had to say, as tactfully as possible of course, "So, I see. It would have been better, then, if I had gone ahead and gotten married twice, and had one child from each of those situations, and subsequently divorced. That is, rather than remain single, and not worry about any ramifications from bringing these two children into the world." (This woman's precise situation.) She didn't end the date. My good fortune. But she got very quiet, and said, "Touche".
While the above anecdote, can appear insensitive or even offensive to some, which I apologize for, it underscores the huge need, and for me, the real purpose behind Carl's work. That is, specifically to foster a better understanding of the "psyche" behind one of the largest demographic shifts in the modern United States. That is, specifically the increase Carl correctly cites, from 6% of the population in 1980 to 17% of the population, today, in single never married men. There are 12 million single never marrieds in the US and the men at 6.2 million outnumber their female counterparts by nearly 20%.
In the psychotherapeutic, self-help based world we live in, it would be easy, as many do, to chalk this up to simple "commitment phobia", or some of the anthropological studies on higher testosterone in the never marrieds. (Kudos to Carl, for citing this research.). In other words, "process" these guys psychotherapeutically, research them, send them to workshops, dissect them like "lab frogs", and we'll solve this "societal dilemma" and there will be lots of happy newly married women.
IF this phenomenon could be chalked up to these singular causes, that would be easy. It can't. Carl begins with a survey of 1,533 of us. He publishes the results of that survey in the book around four major categories. From this survey he selected 33 of us, at random, to speak to. The excerpts from those conversations across all 33 of us, produced 10 common insights into why we haven't wed.
However, as is probably true across all of the 1,533 survey respondents, those reasons are weighted based on the unique experiences of each of us. For example, "Finding the Right Partner", "traumatic childhood experiences", and the whole "Divorce, Infidelity issue" (both in our childhood families of origin and in an adult marriage) carry a much different weight for each of us, based on each of our individual experiences. With some of us, they may carry NO weight at all, but how one of us feels about our financial status DOES. This book does an excellent job of making those distinctions based on each individual's interview.
The real value, for both women, men, families, and the "society" is our stories. The stories of the 33 of us, and how we arrived at this place in our lives. At over 40 and never having been married. What we learned, how we've grown, and most importantly, what lies ahead, for us, for the women, and for our society. Our society, in particular, as regards the whole "marriage thing" that is And where the "marriage contract" may be headed. Carl's commentary on this, is quite relevant.
In summary, you can probably tell I am highly recommending and giving many stars to Carl Weisman's "So Why Have You Never Been Married".
Now for the "review disclaimer". As you have probably determined, I am one of the participants in Carl's study. I was interviewed for, and I am in Carl's book, in some detail, along with 32 others of course.
This leads me to my most important insight into the value of this book. As I read and re-read mine and the other 32 men's contributions to the book, there isn't anything different which I would say. That is, if I had it to do over again, which I don't. However, I found myself, as I reviewed the other men's contributions, saying repeatedly. "Yes, I would say that too. Yes, I would add that too." This occurred, almost without exception. My point? While my own responses and reasons for "bachelorhood" are true for me, my awareness was enhanced by realizing how much I related to the OTHER MEN in this study, evenTHOUGH I have YET to meet ONE OF THEM!!!! I SUSPECT YOU SINGLE NEVER MARRIED WOMEN WHO CHOOSE TO PURCHASE AND READ THIS BOOK, may feel much the same way!
In addition, I hope this seminal work, exploring the single never married man over 40, while highly anecdotal by design, opens a door for our women, and our families to love us for who we really are; married or single. I believe Carl has taken a huge first step to that end, with this book. I applaud him for that.
Finally, to reveal to each of you, who I am in the book, or to write this review in a way, that this would be blatantly obvious, I believe, would be tantamount to "Dr. Phil" making "a play", for one of his own guests on Oprah. (That is, just so he could boost "Oprah's ratings", for example). It just wouldn't be right.
Besides, in case any of us, or all of us, end up one day, on Oprah, I need to have some things to talk about to all you first time readers of Carl's book. Especially you women!!!! (Hey I'm still single, and you never know! :0) ) Happy Reading!!!!
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you?
|
|
|
|
|
|
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Hey Buddy, Why are You Still Single? What are You Waiting For?, August 15, 2008
People are living longer and many are putting off marriage as they concentrate on finding the right mate, completing educational goals, and enjoying life as a single person. For older men, the life of a bachelor is a little more socially acceptable than it is for a woman, but once a man reaches the age of thirty, it is automatically assumed that he should have at least attempted one run at being married. And once a man reaches the age of forty and still has not been married, it is common to hear the `Why?' question. Others cannot comprehend why any man would choose to remain single for such a long time, and they often make direct inquiries under the assumption that something must be terribly wrong.
But is it really so bad for a man to stay single? And why do so many more men today choose the life of a bachelor? Are they terrified of commitment? Is fear the driving force, or is it just the inability to find the right woman that keeps most men living the single life? These and other questions are answered in this book, and some of the results will surprise the average reader. For example, there is the common fallacy that men over forty who have never been married are fearful of making a commitment and/or are playboys who want multiple partners. There are certainly some who fit this description, but the majority of single men over forty are not continuously on the prowl and do not suffer from commitment phobia. And most importantly, the majority of older single men are not anti- marriage. On the contrary, these men regard marriage very highly and it is precisely their profound respect for the institution of marriage that has kept them single for so many years.
If there is anything else that most of these men share in common it is that their reluctance to marry has more to do with finding the right woman than anything else. Yes, there are a few men profiled in this book who feel marriage simply isn't in the cards for them; not today, not tomorrow, not ever. But most of the men actually still want to be married at some point. They point to the inability to meet the right woman as the chief reason they are still single. Some admit that their standards in the past were probably too high and they let some very fine women slip away. But the majority agrees that they do not want to attempt marriage with just any woman. A marriage that isn't good is far worse then being single and these bachelors plan to remain single until the right woman comes along.
I like the way the author includes actual responses to his survey questions throughout the reading. The author is, himself, a member of the over forty and never married crowd and he has enough knowledge on this subject that he could easily compose an entire book of his own thoughts from experience alone. But the wisdom offered by these older bachelors is indispensable, and their words contribute very much to the value of this book. They express themselves in brutally honest ways, discussing past relationships, feelings on sex, attitudes about children, and how they feel about the future.
This book isn't as scientific as I would like. One of the appendices includes a breakdown of the men who contributed to the book and it clearly shows that the demographics of these men are not necessarily representative of the men in the United States as a whole. However, the feelings are so similar that it is doubtful a scientific cross- section of the male population would have made much difference. Still, statistically- minded individuals are likely to notice this glaring fact right away, and it might tarnish the results of the survey and the book's final conclusions.
Overall, this is a very insightful and honest book and it will make a great choice of reading material for those men who are over forty and have never swam in the marriage waters. These men are united in many ways, including their strong admiration of women, their great respect for the institution of marriage, and their desire to possibly join the ranks of the married at some point in the future. They are also united in one other important way: They are tired of the social stigma that goes with being older and never being wed. There is nothing abnormal about not wanting to get married unless it is to the right woman and for the right reasons. And with some work, some compromise, and some admission of faults, many of these never married men may some day walk down the aisle and join the ranks of the newly married. The life credo that these never- married men have followed is simple: It is better to have never wed than have ended up in a bad marriage. And this is something that all people- both men and women- could learn and benefit from.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
Was this review helpful to you?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Most Recent Customer Reviews
|
by Bella M. DePaulo
