Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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475 of 477 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Best book for the layperson on this topic, April 24, 2004
Written by someone who doesn't pass the blame, Simon tells it like it is. He puts the responsibility for abusive behavior squarely on the shoulders of the perpetrator. Controlling, manipulative people are free to make choices, but they choose narcissistic processes and outcomes. We must stop excusing their bad behavior and confront it.
Simon says (!) his readers have to take responsibility for their own lives; since they aren't likely to change their perpetrators' behaviors; victims must change the pattern of interaction with perpetrators---and that's the key.
His suggestions aren't just off-the-cuff remarks. They work! For instance, have you ever noticed how hard it is to think of what to say in the moment? How easily we can think of a perfect retort after the moment has passed? Simon's simple suggestion to say, "Will you please repeat that?" works wonders. It's just the break one needs to collect thoughts. Simultaneously, it throws the perpetrator off-base. They don't want to repeat themselves, particularly now that others might be listening more closely. Insults never come out the second time with the same conviction. Next, we're advised to repeat back the insult, such as, "You feel I am _____. Do I understand you correctly?" Being certain you understand the intentions of alleged perpetrators is important. Authors like Patricia Evans (Controlling People) see insults at every turn, her perpetrators typically being stereotypical men or "mothers". Sometimes words don't come out as intended. We don't need to do battle with those we misunderstand.
Once you grasp the accusation and have gathered enough facts to assess the situation, Simon advises you offer the perpetrator the option of taking the discussion into a more private session. It's easier to settle differences when not performing before an audience.
He goes futher with terrific insights and suggestions, but buy the book. It's the most helpful one I've ever read on the topic (and out of misery and desperation, I've read reams). I grew up in the home of a woman who made it clear to me she didn't love me; I walked into a horrendously abusive relationship right out of high school, then I moved on to a controlling husband for the past two decades. For the first time in my life, I understand why I perceive people are "always taking advantage of me". I've let them. Since I've been speaking up, I feel empowered and alive. This book saved my perspective, if not my life, without encouraging me to swing the pendulum too far in the opposite direction.
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308 of 314 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Buy This Book First!, October 6, 2004
After having read several books on several different self-help topics, psychology books, psychiatry books, etc., I MUST recommend you buy this one, first.
It cuts straight through the bs - neatly and cleanly.
If you are wondering what the heck is wrong with YOU and just can't seem to pin it down, I highly recommend starting here to discover what's at the heart of several disorders, at least how they will affect you when you deal with toxic, intolerant, self-important, crazy-making individuals.
Bottom line: I no longer CARE what's wrong with them. If they can't bother to diagnose themselves, why should I bother? I just want to spot these waterheads from a distance so I can steer clear, and control the damage from those I can't avoid, such as my insane family.
When you "See Through" the techniques as they happen, the only hard part will be keeping a straight face as you expertly deflect their sickness.
And I free my time for concentrating on living MY LIFE on MY TERMS. Wonderful!
And yes, it may seem like common sense, but bear in mind you are dealing with highly skilled manipulators. They've had years and years of experience being covertly aggressive - do not underestimate their power. It happens so quickly, so subtly, you must arm yourself with tools to fight such monsters. The short text makes it possible to "refresh" your "common sense" before facing a nut-inducing encounter (family, co-workers, spouse, etc.)
I have bought copies of this book for friends and can't recommend it enough.
Best wishes & good luck!
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110 of 110 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
do you feel that something is "just not right"?, April 4, 2006
I think aggression and manipulation is an "open secret" in our society, and an individual can lead a much more successful life if they have the mental tools to intelligently evaluate and take action against such behavior. "In Sheep's Clothing" could help a reader who is being manipulated and used take necessary steps to deal with a potentially ambiguous situation. If you are beginning to feel that there is something wrong in your relationship (with a relative, significant other, or boss) and that it is not YOU who is crazy, this book might be a good place to start. This would also be a helpful book for a young person entering the workplace or the world of dating to read. I think many of us go out into the world not realizing that we will encounter many people who are sizing us up as potential victims. Those of us who have not already learned to look for covert aggression in people we would hope to find trustworthy (lovers, teachers, therapists, supervisors) might be put on the alert by this book, since these users rely on the victim's and witnesses' denial of what the aggressor are actually doing. The section I found most interesting is the one entitled "Recognizing the Tactics of Manipulation and Control". I think this section is really the heart of the book because the reader can identify the concrete behaviors being used against him and see them for what they are: weapons and tactics of an aggressor. On the downside, I think this book could benefit from a more extensive section on personality disorders. A person who is in a close relationship with a borderline or narcissistic personality disordered abuser would be likely to read this book in the early stages of feeling like something is wrong in their relationship, since manipulation is a major part of the pathology. For someone in this situation, it would be really helpful to be told the characteristics of these disorders so they can more effectively "know their enemy".
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