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Things that make terrible gifts.

Duke
The list author says: "This list of terrible gifts came about after a survey of ten thousand people and 10 sharks. By far, the top items that people cited as being terrible gifts were "nothing" and "dad hitting me". By far, the number one item that sharks listed as being a terrible gift was "vegetables". Unfortunately, Amazon does not sell nothing and it does not hit you (often). It does, however, sell vegetables if, for some reason, you aspire to piss off a shark.

The combined results of this survey are as follows. Also included are things you might say if you are forced to give one of these horrible gifts by a machete-toting madman, or possibly a very persuasive lawyer and/or circus clown. I don't know, I'm having trouble thinking of scenarios, but I'd probably give one of these lousy gifts if it would make a clown go away.

Alternatively, I may include what to say if you are given this gift by a thoughtless person and/or shark."
Trojan Condoms and Naughty Novelties Variety Pack
Trojan Condoms and Naughty Novelties Variety Pack
"If Receiving: "Uh. Gee, thanks, Mom.""
The Complete Poetry and Essential Prose of John Milton (Modern Library)
The Complete Poetry and Essential Prose of John Milton (Modern Library)
"If Receiving: "Wow! Milton, huh? Thanks. I, uh, I always wanted to quote Milton and seem smug and superior. Thanks for letting me know how intelligent and great you are by proxy of your pretentious gift. Hey, did I just say that out loud? It must be the booze that Dave gave me earlier. By the way, I really, really like booze gifts, for future reference.""
Shrek (Full Screen Single Disc Edition)
Shrek (Full Screen Single Disc Edition)
"If Giving: "Your mom told me about how you're always making funny jokes, and I thought you could relate to Shrek because he's also always making jokes and is pretty fat as well. Not that you're fat. I mean, he's jolly. Jolly is good. It's funny... it's a funny movie. Mike Myers is pretty funny. Okay so I bet you are starving for some cake, huh?""
Beano Food Enzyme Dietary Supplement Tablets, 100-Count Bottles, (Pack of 2)
Beano Food Enzyme Dietary Supplement Tablets, 100-Count Bottles, (Pack of 2)
"If Receiving: "This is great because, not only am I horribly gassy, but also I'm a big fan of enzymes. As a matter of fact, I've got a few enzymes in my body right now! And these 200 pills will last me at least through the week.""
Mama's Family: Season 1
Mama's Family: Season 1
"If giving: "I found this for only a dollar! Can you believe it! It's supposed to be some sort of documentary.""
Arrid XX Extra Extra Dry Maximum Strength Antiperspirant/Deodorant Solid, Cool Shower, 2.6-Ounce Sticks (Pack of 6)
Arrid XX Extra Extra Dry Maximum Strength Antiperspirant/Deodorant Solid, Cool Shower, 2.6-Ounce Sticks (Pack of 6)
"If Receiving: "Thanks, but the last time I ate this stuff it gave me the runs something awful. But I've heard about this "cool shower" thing on the label. That's where you're supposed to use the the thing in the bathroom that makes water come out of the wall, right? Because, that's where I keep my beer cold.""
The Secret
The Secret
"If Receiving: "Oh I heard about this on Oprah and all my friends say it's second only to Scientology and the myth of Bigfoot, whatever that means.""
The Hormonally Vulnerable Woman : Relief at last for PMS, mood swings, fatigue, hair loss, adult acne, unwanted hair, female pain, migraine, weight gain, ... all the problems of perimenopause
The Hormonally Vulnerable Woman : Relief at last for PMS, mood swings, fatigue, hair loss, adult acne, unwanted hair, female pain, migraine, weight gain, ... all the problems of perimenopause
"If Receiving: "I AM NOT PMSING YOU THOUGHTLESS JERK. RRRAAAARRRHHHHHHHH!""
Works of Leo Tolstoy. (50+ Works) Anna Karenina, War and Peace, Resurrection, Hadji Murad, A Confession, The Death of Ivan Ilych, The Kreutzer Sonata, The Forged Coupon and Other Stories & more (mobi)
Works of Leo Tolstoy. (50+ Works) Anna Karenina, War and Peace, Resurrection, Hadji Murad, A Confession, The Death of Ivan Ilych, The Kreutzer Sonata, The Forged Coupon and Other Stories & more (mobi)
"If Giving: "Can you believe it? There's tens of thousands of pages here, and I remember how you like books. This was actually the best ratio of page-to-dollar that I could find in the classic literature section. Oh, and you have one of those electronic reader things right? I always see you with your nintendo gadget and thought that maybe you could do something useful on it like read books.""