Please note that this is the second part of an article. In "So You'd Like to Be a Film-Buff Poseur", I wrote a lovely essay that was just under 1500 words long, yet somehow it was deemed too long by Amazon, so I had to cut out some interesting bits. Most make no sense out of context, but I did manage to salvage this next bit:
Whaddya Call 'Em?
After reading the last guide you might say, "But Matt, in modern America, we call motion pictures 'movies' for short, not 'films'." To this I say, "Bah!" You will now call anything that contains moving pictures a "film", even if it was shot on video or generated by computer. "Film" has the same meaning in all Western languages, so we use that. If you want to be trendy, you may use "flick" for short (and pluralize it as "flix"), or you can use "picture" if you want to sound old-school. Even Martin Scorsese uses the term "picture".
But now, let's get back to being a Film-Buff Poseur (FBP).
Geekiness Is Next to Godliness
Now that you've established yourself as an FBP, you must choose a specialty -- just like a physician. This will elevate you from the realm of the Film Buff to that of the Film Geek, which denotes a more specific knowledge.
That is, unless you're a Techno-Geek. In this case you must expound on the brilliance of The Matrix, even though you hate Keanu Reeves. You will position yourself as a foot soldier in the Digital Revolution. You must constantly harass your projectionist-friend about when his theatre will install a digital projector. This will force you to live with the paradox of denouncing film as a recording medium, but still calling the video productions "films", staying true to your FBP roots.
Some Geekdom is easy to accomplish. You can be an Anime (Japanese Animation) Geek by simply seeing Akira and nothing else except for your fond TV memories of "Speed Racer", "Voltron", or "Pokemon", depending on your generation. Being a full-fledged Tolkien Geek is as simple as seeing The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring (Widescreen Edition), as it's the only film to have come out yet.*
You can take your Geekdom in many directions, but it's still important to remain centered on your principles.
DVDs aside, a good FBP is a literate FBP. If years of television and other (perhaps illegal) pursuits have rendered you illiterate, there's little I can do outside of referring you to Barbara Bush. However, at this point, I must assume you can read.
Your bookcase must boast the finest in film-related literature. First and foremost is the latest edition of Leonard Maltin's 2003 Movie and Video Guide. This is the only book you'll actually need to open and read occasionally, as it is a genuinely helpful resource. However, it is important to denounce the critical value of Maltin's capsule reviews (he does, after all, give Taxi Driver (Collector's Edition) two out of four stars, and your devotion to any member of Scorsese's Holy Trinity must not be broken).
You'll need more general books, also, like Grammar of the Film Language and A History of Narrative Film. Sure, you'll spend a lot of money, but just wait until someone sees this line-up of books next to your DVD collection. They'll have little cause to doubt your apparent expertise.
That's what it's all about: maintaining the image. You can give the impression of having a monastic lifestyle devoted to film without actually putting in the time. In fact, attracting a mate may be the reason why you've become an FBP, and if this person were to add up the facts, you may be in trouble. That's why you'll soon be...
Yes, at some point somebody may call your bluff. The most important thing to remember is not to panic. On the internet, a response is easy: simply feign a bad connection and do not respond at all; log off, if necessary. In person, however, it will require a more thoughtful strategy.
First, size up your adversary. Chances are, he's a Poseur, too. Most likely, he has not read these guides, and in this capacity you can prevail. Just ask him which was F.W. Murnau's best film, Metropolis or M - Criterion Collection. Of course he'll stammer for a while, then select one at random. Then you can call HIS bluff and inform him that those films were directed by Fritz Lang. Most FBPs can't tell the early German directors apart, and neither can you, but at least you'll have this tidbit to use.
Now, if your adversary turns out to be a real film buff, then you could be in serious trouble. Neither trickery nor avoidance will work. What you need is an excuse. Just claim that you are still reeling after seeing a VHS version of Lawrence of Arabia (2001) [VHS] which was not letterboxed, and he'll be inclined to believe you. For, you see, you have...
Like Woody Allen (Manhattan), seeing a film in anything but its original aspect ratio drives any good FBP up the wall. Most films shown on television have been "Formatted to fit your screen", or as you will now call it: Pan & Scan. Only a portion of the film is visible at once so that the image can fill a 1.33:1 TV screen. Most films today are meant to be either 1.85:1 or 2.35:1, and in the latter case that means losing almost half the film's frame to cropping.
A really ambitious FBP should buy an HDTV with a wide 16:9 screen so that most films will fill the screen without any cropping or distortion. Instead of paying your rent, you can move back to your parents' house and buy an RCA P61310 61-Inch 16:9 Projection HDTV TV with DirecTV and HDTV Decoders to watch all of your widescreen DVDs on an enormous screen in perfect clarity. Of course, it will take up most of the room in the basement, but it will be worth it.
An FBP's job is never done. More films will continue to come out in theatres and on DVD, and you must keep up to date. Stay true to the principles I have outlined, and in no time people will really believe you when you tell them all about your vast array of pseudo-knowledge. I bid you good film-going.
* This guide was originally written before the release of
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. Now, to be a Tolkien Film Geek, you have to see this one as well, and The Return of the King (The Lord of the Rings, Part 3), once its film version comes out. But that's all, I promise.
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