So you'd like to...

invade a small country

A guide by Daniel D. (Cambridge, MA, United States)

Products sampled from this guide:
So, you've finally decided that your current occupation (file clerk, doctor, lawyer, assistant ___) does not give you the respect that you deserve or the excitement that you crave. Now, you've decided, the time is ripe to conquer...well, something.
You've made the right choice, you'll show those cretins down at the (office, lab, corner) that you were destined for better things. Well, here's what you'll need to begin your glorious conquest of some place that no one has ever heard of.


STEP ONE: Background

All great conquerors, Alexander the Great, Catherine the Great, Murray the Really, Really Interesting, have been outrageous egocentrists and A-holes. This reading list will get you started:
The Fountainhead I read this book, now I understand that no one can do things better than me...anyone who thinks otherwise is stupid

Trump: Think Like a Billionaire: Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate, and Life Egocentricity is good for other things as well. Also, learn how to name EVERYTHING after yourself.

The Art of War: (Miniature book) Most countries do not want to be conquered, you will have to fight them...but just remember, if you've learned anything from Ms. Rand, you're the one who is right and you must do what it is you want to do, conquer these plebian future subjects. Why hardcover? This handy guide will now double as a weapon of last resort should your plans utterly crumble around you. Do not try to be lazy on me and buy the DVD The Art of War that's what Napoleon did and look where he is now: dead...and short.

Done reading?
What, you think one country's not enough for you? You want the whole world? TryRisk: The Game of Global Domination (2003) Ms. Smarty-Pants. You'll see that's just unrealistic...I'll bet you fail to even hold Europe. Safest bet, Papua New Guinea.


STEP TWO: Where Am I and Who Needs a New Ruler?

Are you American? Do you know nothing about geography other than...well, nothing? Let's get you situated:
Buy a map. Better yet, buy a whole book. National Geographic Atlas of the World, Eighth Edition is the best one. If you own one of the other seven editions, they're useless, toss 'em. This one has three new continents and a brand new ocean!

How do I learn strange customs quickly and as superficially as possible?
America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction - The best descriptions of foreign countries are in one of the closing chapters.

What do you mean these people don't speak English...don't they have schools?!
Easy Translator Deluxe 4

Spin, Spin, let the fates dictate the lucky recipient of your maurading conquest! Explorer World Desk Globe Assorted Colors
Oh, no! Where are we again? Well, just let me check my necklace Sterling Silver Multi-Stone Caged Earth Globe Pendant...oh, there we are.


STEP THREE: Conquest

You'll need a fleet of tanks. For some reason, they sell this thing on Amazon:JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

Choose your mercenary army. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
Soldier of Fortune Ad: Are you a gun-toting nut? Need some adventure? Call 1-800-CON-QUER
Want a more classy group? Choose one of the following (but don't try to mix and match):
Real Ninja or
Pirates! (Teen's Top 10 (Awards))...But wait, I have a question. Here's your answer: Do Pirates Take Baths?
If you've done your reading, everything else will take care of itself.


STEP FOUR: Victory!

Well, that was hard, but you did it...Leichtenstein is no more, there is only You-enstein. New Zealand is now You Zealand. Some other country is re-named wittily using the word "you."
Time for a new national anthem, one that sums up the great new patriotic feelings of your mercenary army and the newly subjugated people (they may take some...reeducation to be truly happy with their new ruler). Choose from the following CD's:
Instant Party Disc: Regular Strength
Greatest Hits: My Prerogative (Limited Edition with Bonus CD)
Paid Tha Cost to Be Da Boss


JUST REMEMBER,

Be merci-less, no thank-yous for anyone.

Products mentioned include:
STEP ONE: Background
1.  The Fountainhead  by Ayn Rand
$7.92 Used & New from: $0.01
4.2 out of 5 stars   (1,605) | 9 customer discussions
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
2.  Trump: Think Like a Billionaire: Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate, and Life  by Donald Trump
Used & New from: $0.01
2.2 out of 5 stars   (103)
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
3.  The Art of War: (Miniature book) [Unabridged]  by Sun-Tzu
$5.09 Used & New from: $0.50
2.9 out of 5 stars   (87) | 2 customer discussions
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
4.  The Art of War [Multiple Formats] [Closed-captioned] [Color] [Dolby] [NTSC] [Subtitled] [Widescreen]  DVD ~ Paul Hopkins
$4.95 Used & New from: $0.01
3.2 out of 5 stars   (85)
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
5.  Risk: The Game of Global Domination (2003)  by Hasbro
$102.95 Used & New from: $16.99
4.6 out of 5 stars   (164)
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
STEP TWO: Where Am I and Who Needs a New Ruler?
6.  National Geographic Atlas of the World, Eighth Edition  by National Geographic
Used & New from: $17.88
4.6 out of 5 stars   (48)
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
7.  America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction  by Jon Stewart
Used & New from: $0.01
4.4 out of 5 stars   (719) | 5 customer discussions
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
8.  Easy Translator Deluxe 4 [CD-ROM]  by Transparent Language
Used & New from: $7.95
3.0 out of 5 stars   (13)
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
9.  Explorer World Desk Globe Assorted Colors  by Replogle Globes, Inc.
$49.95 Used & New from: $42.98
4.4 out of 5 stars   (205)
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
10.  Sterling Silver Multi-Stone Caged Earth Globe Pendant  by Silver Insanity
Out of stock
3.9 out of 5 stars   (34)
  Add to wishlist
STEP THREE: Conquest
11.  JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank  by Nao
Used & New from: $19,999.95
3.6 out of 5 stars   (394)
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
12.  Soldier of Fortune [Magazine Subscription]  Magazine Subscription Soldier Fortune Magazine Inc
$34.95
4.8 out of 5 stars   (23)
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
13.  Real Ninja  by Hirohisa Oda
Used & New from: $14.95
4.0 out of 5 stars   (5)
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
14.  Pirates! (Teen's Top 10 (Awards))  by Celia Rees
$15.26 Used & New from: $0.01
4.2 out of 5 stars   (109) | 1 customer discussion
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
15.  Do Pirates Take Baths?  by Nadine Bernard Westcott
$6.91 Used & New from: $0.01
4.4 out of 5 stars   (31)
Add to cart  Add to wishlist
STEP FOUR: Victory!
16.  Instant Party Disc: Regular Strength  by Instant Party Disc
Used & New from: $0.08
5.0 out of 5 stars   (3)
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
17.  Greatest Hits: My Prerogative (Limited Edition with Bonus CD) [Limited Edition]  by Britney Spears
Used & New from: $0.01
3.7 out of 5 stars   (513) | 2 customer discussions
  See buying options  Add to wishlist
18.  Paid Tha Cost to Be Da Boss [Explicit Lyrics]  by Snoop Dogg
Used & New from: $0.01
3.9 out of 5 stars   (156)
  See buying options  Add to wishlist

More Actions

Discover more about this author
 See all of their So You'd Like to...guides
Make your own guide
 Create a So You'd Like to...guide
View your page on Amazon.com
 Go to Your Profile page

Customer Discussions about products in this guide
Discussion Replies Latest Post
fountainhead or atlas shrugged? 37 Dec 11, 2013
Welcome to the The Fountainhead forum 8 Sep 17, 2013
if you like The Fountainhead, you will love The Transhumanist Wager 2 Jun 17, 2013
fountainhead 2 Nov 15, 2012
Dear John we don't have a democracy we have a Representative Republic. 3 Oct 7, 2012
Will Ayn Rand's works be available on Kindle? 11 May 25, 2012
Very visual scenes? 0 Nov 23, 2010
The naked pictures of the Supreme Court justices was quite disturbing... 1 Mar 4, 2008
which book is better 1 Aug 4, 2007
A new movie? 0 Jun 16, 2007
GEEKS 0 Oct 4, 2006
Britney Spears "rookie card" 0 Oct 2, 2006
 
   

About this Guide

 

Author

Daniel D. (Cambridge, MA, United States)
Qualifications: your merciless conquest consultant
Last updated: 4/21/10
Report abuse
    

More So You'd Like to...

 

learn about the Old Right. learn about the Old Right.

learn about the Old Right.: A guide of 21 items by Mark Gaines

   

More Listmania!

 

Books l like in life Books l like in life

Books l like in life: A list of 5 items by Pawan Agarwal

My Favorite Books - Mostly Fiction My Favorite Books - Mostly Fiction

My Favorite Books - Mostly Fiction: A list of 40 items by On Fire

Tory's Reading List Tory's Reading List

Tory's Reading List: A list of 40 items by Tory

Books That Made Me Wiser or Gentler Books That Made Me Wiser or Gentler

Books That Made Me Wiser or Gentler: A list of 11 items by Boo

Understanding Counterinsurgency Understanding Counterinsurgency

Understanding Counterinsurgency: A list of 15 items by J. Bierly