So you'd like to...

become a rock star

A guide by Sue Lange "Sue Lange" (New York, NY United States)

Products sampled from this guide:
Okay, first off, how old are you? Because there's a narrow window of opportunity for rock stardom. If you're already over 18, forget it. If, however, you are in the golden age of rock stardom (11-18), you fit squarely into the correct demographic. Read on.

There are a number of documented ways to becoming a legend of the rock world. I've listed them below in order of difficulty with #1 being the easiest, #5, the hardest.

For all of the methods for attaining rock immortality, it is imperative that you choose your hairstyle as soon as possible. It doesn't matter what you decide upon, but make sure it's an extreme style. Mohawk works if you paint it different colors. Long and knotted is always appropriate. Bald can be dicey. If you can emulate the 70s Uncola Man, go with baldness because chicks dug the Uncola Man for his smoldering sexuality. If however, you look more like Mr. Clean when you go bald, don't. Mr. Clean reminds chicks of housework and chicks do not dig housework because of the thousand years of oppression at the hands of the Man that housework stands for. Girly girl styles (I'm thinking Robert Plant) are great if you have a smoldering sexuality. Intellectual chicks dig that because of the irony. Regardless of what hairstyle you choose, you must stick with it for the remainder of your (probably short, so don't sweat the decision too much) life. Your hair is your signature, your avatar, your icon. It is the most important tool in your musician's belt. You can sing out of tune, miss every third beat, and forget half the lyrics and you will be forgiven. Make a bad hair choice and you will be forgotten. Nothing is worse than anonymity, so please, in the words of the great bard (Gene Simmons) get thee to a hairdresser anon.


#1 The Legend in Your Own Mind Rock Star (ages 1-99, the only exception to the statement in the first paragraph)
Find a full-length mirror and select an mp3 from a known rock musician appropriate for your age group (see table below)

Age------ proper rock star for you to listen to
70-99---- Chuck Berry
60-70---- Jimi Hendrix
50-60---- Pete Townshend or Jimi Hendrix
40-60---- Stevie Ray Vaughan or Jimi Hendrix
30-40---- Dimebag Darrell or Jimi Hendrix
1-20----- Jimi Hendrix

Load up your chosen mp3. Crank the volume on your ipod station. Assume the position in front of the mirror. Become one with Jimi. Be Jimi. For the finale, light your guitar on fire.


#2 The Legend in Your Local Pizza Parlor Rock Star
The second easiest road to rock stardom is participation in Karaoke night. Many Karaoke DJs will supply participants with plastic blowup rock instruments like sax and keyboards. These work well because most audiences don't know they are not the real thing. Make sure you grab the guitar because chicks dig guitar players. If you are a chick wanting to be a rock star, don't grab anything. You don't need anything. You already have great hair and can dance well. Just being you (and prepubescent) ensures stardom.

Pick the easiest song and the one that will highlight what makes you, you. Don't know where to start? Just pick any country song. They're all the same and they're easy to sing. The audience will undoubtedly join in, covering up your off-key singing. Oh, and chicks dig country music. 'nuff said.


#3 The Legend in the Wedding Circuit Rock Star
Some people confuse this one with the more difficult roads to true legendhood. But it is only hard at first. To be in a wedding band you need to learn approximately 1000 songs. This is because at every wedding-type event there is always an Aunt Alice who asks for some obscure Quicksilver Messenger Service-like number. You must know these odd songs that are no longer in the collective subconscious (for good reason, I might add). You will be tipped handily when you pull out these dusty, moldy old numbers that only two people in the whole world know. No matter how up you are on the hits of today, keep a bunch of Benny Goodman, Milli Vanilli, and Lerner & Loewe in your quiver. The trick here is that you don't really need to know them. If you know the opening riff, the first line of the first verse, and maybe half of the chorus, Aunt Alice won't know the difference. Neither will anybody else. They'll be out there faking the words right along with you. No one will be the wiser.


#4 The Legend in Your Own Time Rock Star
If you are approaching the end of your golden age, you need to seriously think about this option. It may be the only one that is viable because you are already almost too old. Remember: if you somehow become a legend in your own time, the music industry will allow you to continue performing past your 18th birthday. You must have two or three platinum hits by then, though. A Grammy or two will be needed as well. Do not rest on the number of hits your Youtube video gets, your five million member emailing list, or the quality of backstage drugs at your gigs. Only a Grammy will do.

If you can't swing a Grammy, try summoning up a scandal. Spouse abuse works as does patricide. Anything to get your adoring public initiating flame wars on your behalf. A jail sentence is the quickest way.


#5 The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Rock Star
This is the pinnacle of any rock star's career. Only a life of extreme sacrifice and great hairdos will get you here. Dying of a drug overdose is the best way to get into rock and roll heaven. If you're not dead yet and are wondering if there is another method, let me tell you, there is. If you sleep with the right people you might have a chance. Start with the entire staff of Atlantic Records. From Dudley Schmaltz, the Atlantic Records' webmeister, all the way to Craig Kallman, CEO, do them all. Why stop there, though. Might as well continue on and do the big boys of the Internet world: the Google guys, the Wikipedia guy, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, everyone. They're all sleeping with each other, anyway. Maybe you can throw an orgy and cross the lot of them off your list. Sounds crazy, but that's how they do business. While we're all connecting online, they're all connecting beneath the sheets. And they readily welcome rock stars because deep down inside they want to be legends too. The only reason they can't make it as rock stars is because they have neither the talent nor the hair.

Keep that in mind and you too will one day wind up in Cleveland. Which is sort of funny because unless you were a rock star you wouldn't be caught dead in Cleveland. That's a humbling idea. And that my dears is the point of becoming a rock star. It's humbling.

You may be wondering what research I did to uncover the secrets to rock stardom. I'll tell you: I read the tabloids. If however you'd like to check up on any of my facts, try some of these books:


What Would Keith Richards Do?: Daily Affirmations from a Rock and Roll Survivor
Becoming Jimi Hendrix: From Southern Crossroads to Psychedelic London, the Untold Story of a Musical Genius
Buried Alive: The Biography of Janis Joplin
Walk This Way: The Autobiography of Aerosmith
Moon: The Life and Death of a Rock Legend
Rock Star Babylon: Outrageous Rumors, Legends, and Raucous True Tales of Rock and Roll Icons
Urban Legends of Rock & Roll: You Never Can Tell
Classic Rock Stories: The Stories Behind the Greatest Songs of All Time
The Girl in the Song: The Stories Behind 50 Rock Classics
Rock Stars Do The Dumbest Things
Is Tiny Dancer Really Elton's Little John?: Music's Most Enduring Mysteries, Myths, and Rumors Revealed
The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band
Tommyland
Slash
Hammer of the Gods: The Led Zeppelin Saga
My Appetite for Destruction: Sex, and Drugs, and Guns N' Roses
KISS: Behind the Mask - The Official Authorized Biography
Neon Angel: A Memoir of a Runaway
Heart: In the Studio
The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star
Trevor's Song (The Trevolution Book 2)



And if you doubt very much that I'm an expert on becoming a rock star, fine. Try something on any of the other subjects I'm an expert on:

Space Travel: Tritcheon Hash

Robots: We, Robots (Conversation Pieces, Volume 16)

Products mentioned include:
#5 The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Rock Star
1.  What Would Keith Richards Do?: Daily Affirmations from a Rock and Roll Survivor  by Keith Richards
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7.  Urban Legends of Rock & Roll: You Never Can Tell  by Dale Sherman
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8.  Classic Rock Stories: The Stories Behind the Greatest Songs of All Time  by Tim Morse
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9.  The Girl in the Song: The Stories Behind 50 Rock Classics  by Michael Heatley
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10.  Rock Stars Do The Dumbest Things  by Margaret Moser
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11.  Is Tiny Dancer Really Elton's Little John?: Music's Most Enduring Mysteries, Myths, and Rumors Revealed  by Gavin Edwards
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12.  The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band  by Neil Strauss
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13.  Tommyland  by Tommy Lee
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14.  Slash  by Slash
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15.  Hammer of the Gods: The Led Zeppelin Saga  by Stephen Davis
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16.  My Appetite for Destruction: Sex, and Drugs, and Guns N' Roses  by Steven Adler
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17.  KISS: Behind the Mask - The Official Authorized Biography  by David Leaf
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18.  Neon Angel: A Memoir of a Runaway  by Tony O'Neill
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19.  Heart: In the Studio  by Jake Brown
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20.  The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star  by Nikki Sixx
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21.  Trevor's Song (The Trevolution Book 2) [Kindle eBook]  by Susan Helene Gottfried
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22.  Tritcheon Hash  by Sue Lange
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23.  We, Robots (Conversation Pieces, Volume 16)  by Sue Lange
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About this Guide

 

Author

Sue Lange "Sue Lange" (New York, NY United States)
Qualifications: ex-rock star
Last updated: 2/23/11
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