I'm sorry to say, pretty much NOTHING so far. My husband was my childhood sweetheart....we were married for 20 years when he died suddenly (massive heart-attack) this past June (2012). To this day, it still feels and hurts as if it happened this morning. The ONLY thing that has gotten me through it up to this point is our two daughters. Honestly, if it weren't for them and the fact that they so desperately needed me, I would of tried my damnedest to followed him.
For me.....life, the world, and everything in it has just royally sucked since that hated day. Nothing will ever be the same.
I understand that most people really don't know what to say, many conversations and greetings are awkward, for all involved....I totally GET that, but some of the old stand-by adages that people have said were, at times, actually infuriating me.....such as:
"God needed another angel"
I heard that one MORE than enough times and I swear, if ONE MORE PERSON would of said that to me, God was going to immediately receive yet another angel. WTF is THAT all about!?! "I" need him! Our daughters need him! Do you REALLY think that helps us feel better? Really??
"Is there anything I can do for you?" Um, I dunno....can you raise the dead? How about a time machine? You got one of those you can hook me up with?? I didn't answer that way, nor did I show any distaste in their choice of platitudes because as I said, I DO understand that everyone is at a loss for words when it comes to situations such as these, I honestly would of MUCH preferred they said nothing. Plus, other than what was REALLY going through my head, I had no idea how to respond, so I usually just awkwardly nodded.
My daughters, thankfully, seem to have bounced back for the most part, there is a profound sadness in their eyes from time to time, they are 16 & 18.....tough ages for young girls to lose their father, but I'm grateful, for them, that they have school and their social lives to occupy them. They still have their whole lives ahead of them.....a bright future to plan for and dream about, a love of their own to eventually find and settle down with.
For me, the future is bleak. I am just now looking around the internet for some books, guided journals, or anything that can possibly pull me from this utter devastation. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep at night and crying upon opening my eyes every morning. Everything of his has been left as it was that day, so there are constant reminders of all that I've lost, anywhere I turn in this house. I just can't bring myself to pack ANY of it away. I do everything I can to hide my inner turmoil from everyone around me because I just cannot handle any more platitudes, but it's really getting harder and harder to do....no amount of make-up is hiding these huge bags and dark circles under my eyes and now I am constantly getting "Are you OK?" or "How are you doing?" ......Seriously?? I'm doing GREAT! Can't you tell by all the rainbow-farting unicorns that followed my sunshine-bursting-self home??
So, as I mentioned above, I'm trying to look through books here, but I'm finding it difficult to decide which to start off with. I'm REALLY not the least bit interested in anything at all religious. I honestly don't know WHAT I'd do if the first book I attempt to heal with starts out with "God needed another angel".
I am so sorry for your loss...no one can understand what one goes through, even if we have lost loved ones too. I lost my mother when I was 18...only beginning to understand how important a mother is! I've lost other family members along the way, some young, some old. Last July, I lost my husband very suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 53. This has been the most painful loss of my life. My 2 kid in their early 20's have bounced back, as I did at their young age. But losing a partner is a different kind of loss. No one can comfort you, no one can replace your chosen love. This is not part of God's plan, or the need of another angel in heaven, or something being done to YOU to make you suffer. People die, it's that simple. Some die as babies, some as children, some as young adults, some live to a ripe old age. It is not a commentary or a sign or a punishment, it just is. And one day you will die right along with everyone else. It is the way of this world and this life. So, what do we do about it? Rail against it? Hate God? Blame ourselves or others? Curl up and give up? NO! We honor the fact that we had the privilege of knowing someone special who meant something to us and we go on. That is all. The most comforting words I was given were from a friend who said of my husband, "Although Brian seemed strong, we are all just fragile spirits on a journey. Brian's life here is ended, but he is beginning his second life of endless joy." I will not give in to desperation when our love was born of such wonderful, positive elements. I will go on and craft my life and my kids so that Brian's memory lives on and is surrounded by accomplishment, happiness, love of life, and the knowledge that nothing, not even his death, will crush what we have built and felt and lived. If you are still very sad and depressed after a year of mourning, you should seek help. It is not natural or intended that you suffer endlessly. Would he want that for you? Would you want that for him had the tables been turned? Trust me, your life too will end...don't let it be in sorrow...let it be in the fullness of life as his was. Seriously, you had a worthwhile life before you knew him...you need to have one now.