I am hoping this book may help me somehow...


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Initial post: Jun 25, 2006 11:34:11 PM PDT
Gingerbread says:
My parents went through a divorce when I was 10 (I'm in my 20s now) and the funny thing was that I was much relieved at the time because my father was a little abusive and living around him was like spending each day holding my breath. Short-term (5-7 years) result was that everybody's lives seemed improved from the divorce. But I have noticed, in trying to move on to adulthood, that maybe the divorce had worse effects than anyone realized at the time. Don't get me wrong; I am still glad that I didn't have to spend the rest of my childhood living with my father--- and we did develop a much better, much more reasonable relationship after he moved out of the house.
But the funny thing is that now that i'm an adult (or at least supposed to be one by any standards), i've started noticing differences between me and my friends who grew up in happier, more stable environments. Still trying to define it, but i am hoping this book may help. It is not something that i ever really expected to trouble me as an adult, but it seems worth taking a look at.

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 7, 2007 6:06:10 AM PST
AM-Ohio says:
Dear Gingerbread,
I speak to you with 51+ yrs of life experience. I also grew up in a wonderful loving home - with parents that adored each one of us. I knew our home was special and truly felt that richness from age 4. I married into a family where for generations that was not true (divorce and alcohol addiction). The good news is, I love my husband and we have been married for 27+ years. He is an adult child of an alcoholic - and struggles with that in ways I do not always understand, but I love and support him and and understand he is the head of our household. But there are times when it is necessary, that I fill in his role in our family. Times that only a wife knows he is not able to do so.

But by far, the greater problem in his family is the effect of his grandparents divorce on his mother. I love my Mother-in-Law. She is 75 years old and her parents divorced when she was 2. That divorce happened a long time ago. She has struggled with it all her life - and with age, it is unbearable for her. No one helped her as a child. She and her sister were split between the two parents like property. My MIL (the younger) was court assigned to her father. A man who showed her by example that compassion and forgiveness - "Not in my Lifetime". This divorce has disordered every relationship she has. She does not understand Love is a choice and a sacrafice. She cannot put the words Father and Love in the same sentence. Therefore, she cannot accept the love of God the Father & Jesus the great physician. She does not understand spousal love and the sacifical love necessary in families. She has placed the unconditional love her children in place of God's love for her. As they go on in their lives with their own families - it tears her again and again. She has no friends - she does not trust or accept love from others - it hurts too much. What hurts me most is that she does not love herself - because as a CHILD she felt unlovable.
If I could say anything to you, please know your parents divorce is not your fault. Their divorce is just that - theirs. Forgive them. I am glad you are reading this book - that you love yourself enough to want to heal your heart.

In reply to an earlier post on Jan 15, 2010 4:55:37 PM PST
tif says:
Hi Gingebread, it's good you are examining this at this phase of your life. It is sure to be positive in the end. My parents divorced when I was 6, and like you I felt relieved. This is odd as you don't hear people say that often. What I found helpful in this book were some of the symptoms the kids were displaying, most specifically "child as parent". Good luck in your journey.
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Initial post:  Jun 25, 2006
Latest post:  Jan 15, 2010

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Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein (Paperback - June 28, 2001)
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