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How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind

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Editorial Reviews

Product Description

. It's happened to everyone: you meet someone and fall madly in love and all good judgment and perspective are thrown out the window--until slowly you realize this person isn't who you thought he or she was. But follow the steps in How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk--a proven program used by thousands of singles worldwide--and break the destructive dating patterns that have prevented your happiness in the past.

. .

Based on years of research on marital and premarital happiness, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk maximizes your potential of finding �the one� by giving you the tools to focus on the crucial characteristics of a loving, lasting relationship.

. .

These easy-to-use techniques will help you to:

. .
  • Ask the right questions to inspire meaningful, revealing conversations with your partner .
  • Analyze your partner's level of conscientiousness--considered the window to the soul.
  • Judge character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships.
  • Resolve your own emotional baggage so you're ready for a healthy relationship.
  • Open your eyes to problems in the relationship and stop giving a jerk too many chances.
  • Identify--and break--destructive dating patterns that prevent you from finding a life partner.
. .

Years of clinical research along with observations from his own private practice have inspired Dr. John Van Epp to develop universally applicable, proven strategies to navigate the complexities of love. His foolproof method will help you determine exactly what the person you date will be like as a spouse so you can spot the gem among the jerks.

From the Back Cover

What the experts are saying

. .

"An insightful and creative contribution to managing the complexity of choosing a life partner. I heartily recommend it."
--Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find

.

"I have never read a book with more practical wisdom for finding real love and a healthy marriage."
--William J. Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage

.

"The tool for finding the love of your life. John Van Epp and his RAM model make it possible for you to assess the five key areas when picking a partner."
--Jon Carlson, Psy.D., Ed.D., author of Time for a Better Marriage

.

"Don't be part of the 'where-was-this-book-when-I-needed-it?' crowd. It's not too late--read it now!"
--Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy

.

. It's happened to everyone: you meet someone and fall madly in love and all good judgment and perspective are thrown out the window--until slowly you realize this person isn't who you thought he or she was. Use the proven program used by thousands of singles worldwide--and break the destructive dating patterns that have prevented your happiness in the past.

. .

Based on years of research on marital and premarital happiness, this guide maximizes your potential of finding �the one� by giving you the tools to focus on the crucial characteristics of a loving, lasting relationship.

. .

These easy-to-use techniques will help you:

. .
  • Ask the right questions to inspire meaningful, revealing conversations with your partner .
  • Analyze your partner's level of conscientiousness--considered the window to the soul.
  • Judge character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships.
  • Resolve your own emotional baggage so you're ready for a healthy relationship.
  • Open your eyes to problems in the relationship and stop giving a jerk too many chances.
  • Identify--and break--destructive dating patterns that prevent you from finding a life partner.
. .

Years of clinical research along with observations from his own private practice have inspired Dr. John Van Epp to develop universally applicable, proven strategies to navigate the complexities of love. His foolproof method will help you determine exactly what the person you date will be like as a spouse so you can spot the gem among the jerks.

.
See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

  • Hardcover: 288 pages
  • Publisher: McGraw-Hill; 1 edition (August 28, 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0071472657
  • ISBN-13: 978-0071472654
  • Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6 x 1.4 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (25 customer reviews)
  • Amazon.com Sales Rank: #234,857 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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More About the Author

John Van Epp
Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

› Visit Amazon's John Van Epp Page
Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Index | Surprise Me!
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Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
bonding dynamics, relationship scripts, way your partner, dating partner, mental profile, healthy conscience, premarital cohabitation, sexual touch, dating practices
Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Trilogy of Consistency, High-Risk Relationship, Avoid Marrying
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25 Reviews
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4.7 out of 5 stars (25 customer reviews)
 
 
 
 
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32 of 34 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent for self analysis and relationship analysis, October 25, 2006
By A Reader from Chicago (Chicago, IL USA) - See all my reviews
[Update: As another reviewer has noted, "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" and "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" are the same books with different titles.]

Given that a choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important influences on a person's quality of life, you would think that people would want to know all there is to know about making that choice. So, what's wrong with just falling in love and getting married?

According to Van Epp, people are at their best before they get married--and how happy you are when you are dating is the ceiling for how happy you can be in marriage. Don't expect it to get better.

The relationships between each individual and their parents strongly influence a couple's relationship after the wedding. This new way of relating within the relationship kicks in after the marriage begins--when the role is no longer lovers and best friends, but husband and wife. So, you are marrying the person who relates to their parents in a certain way, and that way strongly influences the way that person will relate to you. Van Epp shows how one can explore this before marriage and possibly change the dynamic.

Although the book is titled so that you would think that it is about not marrying a jerk, it is and it isn't. There is a part that says people have a code of what is right and wrong and an enforcer of that code within them. Some people may have an enforcer that is inactive or hardly involved. Some people may have a code that is unacceptable. Some people may have a great code of ethics and standard of behavior, but never make themselves follow it. I suspect that those who have a bad code of acceptable behavior or a bad enforcer of a good code would be considered jerks.

This book great for substantive analysis of yourself and your relationship and addressing important things before marriage and going into marriage with reasonable expectations. Being in love doesn't change the fact that the families you and your partner are different and have different world views. The family of origin strongly affects us and our partner, and the expression of that comes out more clearly after you say "I do". If you come from a family that is frugal and I come from a family that spends money freely, our coming together may give each of us a different view of the other; you may think I am wasteful and I think you are stingy. Add some more family attitude differences that each of us has absorbed, and in marriage what happens if it is not addressed satisfactorily? What if in my family we were open and affectionate and in my partner's family people were closed and withdrawing? During courtship we will naturally both behave as we think healthy people should behave to continue to attract each other. Van Epp wants us to explore our own and our partner's family history because, as Van Epp suggests, your partner is the second edition of their parents. So that would make us the second edition of our parents as well.

So this book is not just about "jerks"; it is also about issues that should be understood and addressed before contemplating marriage with someone.

Don't get engaged before three months because it takes three months for important patterns to emerge. Until you see patterns you are just guessing--and patterns take time.

Van Epp believes that we should do things in this order: Know Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. He wants us to never trust a person more than we know them, never rely on them more than we trust them, never be more committed to them than we are able to rely on them and never advance physical intimacy further than our level of commitment makes appropriate.

There is a lot of intelligence in this book and great conceptual tools for analyzing yourself and your relationship. I own scores of books on relationships and I think this is the best book of its type for both the depth and breadth it covers.
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23 of 27 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars Great advice for singles--and married people, too, December 10, 2006
By M. L Lamendola (Merriam, KS USA) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)      
This is one of those books people wish they would have read, but didn't. In my case, I probably could have saved my ex-wife a lot of grief if I'd had this book to give her so many years ago....

Many books provide a list of "10 foolproof steps" at the one extreme (simplistic) or an exhausting checklist at the other. Van Epp takes a different approach. He identifies six general techniques you can use to identify a jerk before you make the mistake of marrying this person. He also provides a tool, called the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), which has proven itself over many years of application. In fact, the RAM forms the central concept behind applying the six techniques.

One of the problems with self-help books for singles seeking a mate is you have to remain objective to be able to apply the tools, tips, and techniques suggested in the book. Once a relationship is underway, doing that is difficult or impossible. We either filter out negative information and later think, "I shoulda seen that coming" or we ruin the relationship by constantly judging and appraising the other person.

Epps takes these issues head on. First, the RAM allows you to pace the progression of a relationship. Without going into much detail, I'll just say Epps makes a compelling case for the sequence of know, trust, rely, commit, touch that the RAM is based on. And rather than leave us with a simplistic model, he explores its application for all stages of a dating relationship.

Second, Epps provides several case histories on the rose-colored glasses problem that occurs when we proceed too rapidly with our feelings. He identifies why this happens, and provides specific guidelines on how to handle it. I like this much better than the standard approach, which assumes this won't happen if only you will keep your wits about you and stay objective. Most of the self-help dating books fall short of being useful, simply because they don't address reality--in particular, this problem.

Third, Epps addresses the other extreme. I've been a victim of negative assumption, myself. I've said something from which the woman has mistakenly assumed something negative that just isn't true. Epps gives a very good example in a case history that perfectly illustrates how this can happen and how off base the conclusions can be. Epps doesn't say whether men or women are more prone to this kind of assuming.

Will this book assure you of finding the perfect mate? No, and the author doesn't say it will. Will it help you avoid wasting time in a relationship you shouldn't be in? Yes. And it will also help you avoid carrying that relationship to a level it should not go to.

Here's another thought on this book. It isn't something the author decided to do on a whim, and then cranked out so he could sell books at his seminars. It took form over many years. In fact, if not for his wife's prodding (in a non-jerk manner, of course), he might still be working on it.

If you're single, this book can help you prevent grief and heartache. If you're married and having problems, it can help you get back on track.

A final note. Form is important, as it dictates readability. Unfortunately, this book has plenty of grammar gaffes, misused words, and composition errors. So sometimes, the reader has to work at understanding what the author means. In some cases, the author's actual words state something entirely different from what the context would indicate. Still, this book is worth the occasional struggle through such gaffes. I hope a properly edited future edition is in the works. The wisdom, insight, and practical advice in this book are too important to be lost due to these problems.
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19 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Take the risk out of your marital choice!, September 11, 2006
By Arelius (Provo, UT) - See all my reviews
This is the first review I've ever written for a book even though I've been purchasing Amazon books for years.

I'm only half way through this book and I feel compelled to give a positive review for this book. Perhaps I will post another review upon completing it.

You can never be too careful in your premarital preprations. Van Epp gives you the roadmap of what you should look for and how you should proceed down that path.

I recommend this book to every single person who hopes to establish a life-long relationship. It will only serve to help you make a very wise choice.

I plan on recommending this book to all my single friends!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5 stars Incredible Book
This book is an incredible asset when looking for a healthy relationship and hopefully someone to spend the rest of your life with. Read more
Published 28 days ago by Julie Brager

4.0 out of 5 stars Great info - Read before and not "after"
This book came highly recommended. It does not read quite as easily as some of the other relationship books but it has a wealth of information in it. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Sally Hughes

5.0 out of 5 stars Don't Let the Title Mislead You
Mostly 'Jerk' is associated with a man, but the book is for both sexes. There's a ton of relationship self-help books out there. Read more
Published 8 months ago by Mary

5.0 out of 5 stars Must have!
This book is an absolute must have for every single person. It has great advice for everyone, even those who are already in a relationship and wondering if this could be the one.
Published 11 months ago by Wondering if love is for real?

5.0 out of 5 stars Common Sense Built On Research
I got about halfway through Dr. Epp's book and ordered six more for friends and relatives. They were such a hit I ordered two more for a total of nine books purchased. Read more
Published 13 months ago by F. Blythe

5.0 out of 5 stars Best book I've read on relationships
I read "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" by the same author. When I was flipping through "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk", it looked like the exact same book with just a... Read more
Published 16 months ago by Elisabeth

5.0 out of 5 stars How to avoid falling in love with a jerk
To the point; a very tactful and assertive description on this time the "how not to's"
Published 19 months ago by Franklin Hernandez

5.0 out of 5 stars Very helpful
I thought this book would be funny because the title is kind of funny. But it's actually a much more substantive relationship book than I expected -- I was pleasantly suprised... Read more
Published 22 months ago by Sarah J. Bowman

5.0 out of 5 stars this book will save you from a lifet ime of jerks!
There are definitely lots of jerks out there and you certainly don't want to waste your time on one, especially on a potential life partner! Read more
Published 22 months ago by Fiona Sarne

1.0 out of 5 stars John Van Epp and McGraw Hill are the Jerks
This is the exact same book as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, only with a slightly different title and a new copyright date. Don't be fooled into buying the same book twice.
Published 22 months ago by T

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