176 of 183 people found the following review helpful
Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends,
This review is from: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) (Paperback)
In its third printing, this book is a self-help manual for those trying to recover from a divorce, or going through the process of divorce. The first thing I noticed about Rebuilding is the feelings that surface during this trying and stressful period of your life are identified. When we are really suffering, it is hard sometimes, to analyze what we are feeling. Is it pain? Depression? Self-hate? All of the above? It is comforting to read that you learn we are not alone in our pain and confusion and that given the circumstances, the turmoil you are experiencing is quite normal. As each emotion is explored, the reasons for them are also examined. An example from another who has suffered the same misery is given, then the best part--what we can do with and about those upsetting, hurtful and sometimes hateful feelings that want to pull us under and drown us. For example, Chapter 7 looks at the two, " . . . very strong feelings which accompany the trauma of divorce--guilt and rejection. Advice given is to do a self-examination. Do we need to learn new ways of relating to people? Do we realize that feeling rejected is a part of ending any relationship? It's normal. It's natural. There is nothing wrong with us. Whew! If you are the one leaving the relationship, you are probably feeling guilt. You don't want to hurt someone you do or did love. However, say Fisher and Alberti, "To end a love relationship may be appropriate because it has been destructive for both people." Leaving can be a good thing for both people in the relationship. The chapter continues to describe the emotional cycles the "dumpers" (the one ending the relationship) and the "Dumpee" (the one being rejected) go through. Fisher and Alberti acknowledge not everyone is going to react the same, but no one escapes the pain. No matter how we are affected, though, we must remember guilt and rejection are tied to feelings of self- worth and self-love. Build up these two areas and we will be less devastated by life's inevitable rejections. And how do we go about building our self-worth. Chapter 11 tells us how to go about that. The end of each chapter has a "How Are You Doing?" section. A list of questions will help us think our way through our dilemmas and offer ideas with which we can rebuild our lives. I like this book because it forces us to do something besides sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves. There are ways to work through relationships that end, and we have the power and the tools to do it. We don't have to feel helpless. I like this book because it acknowledges we are not alone with our feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We can go on to live a normal, happy life. It gives us hope. Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., (1931-1998) was the founder and director of the Family Relations Learning Center in Boulder, Colorado. He was a divorce therapist, author, teacher and a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D., is a psychologist marriage & family therapist, Fellow of the American Psychological Association, clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and author/coauthor of several books. A 287-page volume that demands us to do some work, but it is well worth the effort.