Customer Review

1,448 of 1,586 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars THE EMBITTERED READER, August 24, 2011
This review is from: A Dance with Dragons (A Song of Ice and Fire) (Hardcover)
(why yes, I am mocking GRRM's stylistic excess as part of this review)

He broke his fast with boiled neeps, and shivering stew, washed down with a flagon of Dornish ale. The grease from stewed salt pork clung to his gristly beard as he donned a slashed velvet doublet of purple satin, emblazoned with the crest of Ser Eddard Bauer. Over his smallclothes, he wore black pantaloons. He clambered into his Honda and began the short journey west, bearing northwards along the interstate. He turned left, edging his way past opposing traffic. If I look back, I am lost.

His office was a dull brown keep that sat astride the Crown Road. His desk was hidden behind a soundproofed beige cubicle and was lined with a faux wood finish. Reek, reek, it rhymes with teak.

He had finished A Dance with Dragons not a noonsday before and wondered if in truth he had finished the entire series. George R. R. Martin is so constipated from the fawnings of his lickspittles and self-indulgent side stories that he's not like to drop another turd of a novel anytime soon, if the last decade has told it true, he thought to himself.

He smirked at his own witticism. "It is known" he said aloud to himself.

To tell it true, he had enjoyed several parts of the novel. Jon Snow's first chapter was strong, as were the Bran and Davos chapters. He'd not expected that. Many of the early story arcs had glistened wetly with promise but of these Martin had written little and less as the book wore on. Of Dany's aimless navel-gazing, there'd been much and more. Asha and Victarion vied for the distinction of the most pointless Greyjoy POV. Ariane Martell had twisted her teats for naught, for her brother Quentyn's chapters proved to be as useless as nipples on a breastplate. Gods be good, he thought, the fat man teased us with Feast's Dorne chapters for.... this?

And Jaime... that had been the cruelest jape of all. Best that Martin had left out his sole chapter. Though, given the masturbatory excess of Dance's prose, Martin could have learned a thing or two from a man who'd had to make do without his sword hand.

The epilogue was a satisfying end to an unsavory meal, but even the most succulent lemoncake doesn't salvage a bland and unfilling meal of gruel. In truth, it should've been left in A Feast for Crows, along with Cersei's chapters. At least then at least one of the novels from the last ten years would've amounted to more than a mummer's farce.

He set down his copy of A Dance with Dragons with an unsatisfying thud. Words are wind, he mused. Speaking of which... He raised a leg and broke his word. It smelt of stale bacon grease and mashed neeps.

By then, his bladder was full to bursting from the morning's coffee, so he headed to the latrine before he pissed his smallclothes. Reek, reek, it rhymes with leak. Along the way, he passed the receptionist from the adjoining office. She was a pretty brown-haired thing, a woman of about four-and-twenty, fully flowered.

"Where do whores go?", he asked her.

She slapped him.

He entered the men's bathroom and undid his breeches. The urinals were crofted from gleaming white porcelain and bore the seal of American Standard. Whilst it received his golden stream of the morning's piss, he contemplated how this was a metaphor for how Ser Martin had raised the leg and done the same to the continuity of A Song of Ice and Fire and the first three books.

He angrily composed an e-mail to Martin's editor whilst zipping up his breeches. He was only a man grown, unskilled in the ways of editing, but such was his wroth.

You know nothing, Anne Groell...
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Tracked by 20 customers

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Showing 11-20 of 132 posts in this discussion
In reply to an earlier post on Sep 27, 2011 6:22:04 AM PDT

I have started summarising our findings from that link on downward. Not completely done yet. But yes - the average of 2.881 seems to trigger an action.

Thank you for your support, kehnonymous. That was awesome of you. If you want to, you can go back to 2* now, I think, the experiment is over :))

Posted on Sep 27, 2011 2:02:59 PM PDT
MG says:
Surely the funniest review ever on Amazon! Love it!

Posted on Sep 27, 2011 2:38:08 PM PDT
Mona Leigh says:
As perfect a specimen of satire as ever I've witnessed. If this doesn't persuade someone to read the book, nothing will.

(My ribs are still aching from the laughter.)

Posted on Sep 28, 2011 5:14:09 AM PDT
Isn't it funny how even the reviews and comments are more interesting than books 4 & 5? GRRM has the kind of fanbase other authors only imagine in their wildest dreams.

Ser kehnonymous, you should be King of somewhere at the very least.

Your review was priceless, please can I post it on the Game of Thrones facebook page?

In reply to an earlier post on Sep 28, 2011 4:29:29 PM PDT
kehnonymous says:
Sure, I'm flattered for the props! There are several other great reviews here that cut far deeper and far more incisively than mine. To be fair, I didn't think the book was wholly awful and there are several positive reviews here that made very good points, but GRRM's so obviously lapsed into self-parody with ADWD that I felt compelled to reflect that with my review.

In reply to an earlier post on Oct 2, 2011 12:46:15 PM PDT
baudry says:
I loved it, thank you for the laugh!

Posted on Oct 30, 2011 7:02:51 AM PDT
I'm in tears. Bless you, this made my morning!

Posted on Nov 1, 2011 10:29:05 AM PDT
I read this book for a friend so he had someone to talk to about it . This review sums it up very well. The book makes the series a complete joke. Sad when you consider how well things started off. I think things started to unwind in the third book myself. After that, he started to add a bunch of POVs outside the Starks which dominated the first three books. Should have just kept to Starks. What a waste.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 4, 2011 11:04:22 AM PDT
Great review, but persuade me to read the book? Quite the reverse. Persuaded me to search for pastures new. Alas, GRRM is going the way of Robert Jordan, endless repetition & very little action, as well as a cast of thousands, few of whom we the readers give a damn about. Dragons! I wanted dragons!!!

Posted on Nov 7, 2011 8:57:17 PM PST
Jack Stevens says:
I almost spat my spiced, mulled wine into my spade-shaped beard.

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