2,245 of 2,493 people found the following review helpful
A Man's Perspective on this Book,
By A Customer
This review is from: Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (Paperback)
As a man who read this book, I have a new understanding of how and why my last girlfriend acted the way she did. She must have read this book!
I have to say, I chased after her, just like the book says a man will do if you follow the rules it describes. But, (and this is a big BUT), eventually, I got tired of chasing her. Eventually I came to the huge realization that I didn't want to live the rest of my life this way, under her thumb, with her making all the rules for our relationship.
Women have put up with men that act this way, and it drives you crazy, doesn't it? Don't you hate it when a guy doesn't call and acts like other things are more important than you are? This book could just as well have been written for men, and been titled, "Why Women Love Jerks."
As I read this book, I thought that if everyone, men and women alike, followed the rules contained in it, this world would be full of a lot of single people. Mainly because it's all about one person in the relationship (in this case, women) acting aloof, not chasing men, and not showing men that they're afraid to lose them. If both sexes acted this way, no one would get in a relationship because both would never chase the other. (In the hopes that the other one will first. It's not going to happen!)
All in all, this book seems to be written for women who have been hurt badly in the past and don't want to be hurt (or at least show that they're hurt) again. Anyone who has ever had the good fortune to have been in a GOOD relationship would never think of treating their mate like Sherry Argov suggests.
I gave this book 2 stars, because what's in it WILL work. But if you have to use "trickery" like this to get a man to chase you, you'll get a relationship to match. It's better to be honest with one another. If it doesn't work out, then move on until you find that NICE person who will treat you right, "games" or not!
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Showing 1-10 of 146 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Oct 4, 2006 2:56:13 PM PDT
Adonya Wong says:
What a well written review; I couldn't have said it better myself. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're going to treat the other person like a heaping pile of poo. Why not stay single and leave that good person for someone else to find? Books like this drive me batty which is why I don't waste any money on them.
Posted on Oct 31, 2006 10:47:54 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Oct 31, 2006 10:48:23 AM PST
spirit healer says:
Buddy, I absolutely agree with you. You are an excellent reviewer and I encourage you to review many more books. I'm sure this title has some value to a lot of people who are very hurt, but what it really does is perpetuates their pain and fear that all men act like this. The truth is... yes, you may be able to catch a man like this, but in the end, you won't keep him, and if he stays at all, you won't respect him. So... in the end... YOU LOOSE!
Posted on Nov 5, 2006 2:56:56 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Nov 5, 2006 2:59:27 AM PST
D. Morrison says:
I really enjoyed your review. I just wanted to let you know how helpful it was, and I agreed with the above comments on it being very well written. (I hope you read a lot and post many more reviews!) I felt like I learned a lot about the book from the various reviews, and was quite glad to see that there were some nice LONG reviews on here.
Anyway I just wanted to say Kudos for taking the time to express yourself on here, kinda gutsy when you knew lots of women would be reading it! :D And I think it's nice for women to hear from men who say they do not want to play games, too. Although I think there are women who do need to learn to be more assertive, I am completely against playing phony games in a relationship, and I think the two things are not at all the same.
Posted on Dec 15, 2006 11:03:05 AM PST
A Mac says:
I certainly agree with your comment. However, I don't believe that the intention is to ALWAYS treat your mate as such. It is just a means to catch the man. Once the woman discovers that the man felt she was worth chasing and fighting for, that is when its time for her to "lighten" up so that they can both enjoy the relationship.
Men love a challenge. And if a woman presents herself a challenge, then she will be his reward once he wins her over. And in turn, the woman will feel secure because the man felt she was worth fighting for. Its a win win situation.
Whats in this book will work but only if used as a prelude to a relationship or as a means to spark things up--not the entire duration.
Posted on Dec 22, 2006 12:26:33 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Dec 22, 2006 12:29:22 AM PST
Irene Y says:
Thank GOD someone said IT about this book! I agree with your points 100% -- if it was written the other way around, don't you think this book would be labeled sexist? Don't get me wrong, I know the author's message is well-intended and for the empowered women out there... who want to feel respected, cherished and loved. However, after implementing some of Sheri's suggestions -- as well as similar advice given from girlfriends who were also reading the book -- I sabotaged a wonderful blossoming relationship I had with a 35-yr old man this past summer. Seriously, what this reviewer says is true. If you want to be treated like a Queen and wait for a guy to chase you hand-and-foot all day, and enjoy playing head games, go for the book. But if you are like me and would prefer a relationship where the man and woman are equals, have mutual respect and willingness to compromise, then I would suggest reading other materials. The bottom line is, remember to trust yourself, to be in love with yourself, but don't hurt anyone in the process. That's not fair.
PS. While some expressed they were in a current relationship I wonder how many of those other reviewers are and how have they fared since?
Posted on Dec 22, 2006 4:57:42 PM PST
Agreed. Anything ill-got is ill-kept.
If you have to play games.. well... good luck to you.
If you need help not being a doormat.. then see a shrink.
Enough with the games. Bah humbug. :-D
Posted on Jan 1, 2007 7:57:19 AM PST
I couldn't have said it better myself. While I do believe it is important for women to realise and develop their sense of self-worth, I dont think it should be done at the cost of men. It really saddens me that so many women don't seem to realise this.
Posted on Jan 5, 2007 12:59:49 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 5, 2007 1:57:39 AM PST
A female student says:
I disagree with this comment: the book doesn't advocate trickery or games - it's about communicating dissatisfaction to men in terms they will actually respond to, rather than tune out as nagging. It is also about responding positively to behavior that DOES meet expectations, in ways that will encourage men to keep it up. Communication and honesty are important - the woman "tells" a man how she feels about him and his actions through her own reactions without turning into an emotional mess.
I also think the commenter overlooks the most important part of the book: the main point that I gleaned was that the best way to enter into and maintain a relationship is to maintain one's own life, interests, passions, and friendships, while exuding confidence in one's own worthiness. Nobody is attracted to a needy, desperate woman who will sacrifice her dignity and goals for the sake of keeping a relationship, especially when it's a bad one. Being in a relationship is not an end unto itself. The type of relationship that this book advocates is that in which two people join together out of love, admiration, respect, and desire that brings out the best in each.
Perhaps some of the other commenters agree that being aloof is problematic, but I say, if it helps weed out any lukewarm lovers, it sounds good to me. Once a relationship is established, and there's no need to verify the other person's intentions, I think all the perceived "games" give way to open communication that is clear without being whiny.
To discount the value of the entire book is unfounded - I would give it 5 stars for its logic, research, and readability. I found this book succinct, witty, and extremely pertinent to women today who struggle with the seemingly conflicting ideals of female empowerment and "the chase".
As to the commenter who scoffs at the idea of being treated like a queen, I would say that men who are in love with a woman actually WANT to treat her with utmost care and devotion and be the hero she can be proud of. (And why should any woman settle for less than this?) What this does not entail is the woman "WAITING to be chased." This book basically says, Screw waiting - I'll live my life and enjoy every minute of it with or without a guy. Of course, a loving guy would be a wonderful ADDITION TO any woman's life. Another book that supports the idea that men want to treat their loved ones as queens, is Woman Power, Dr. Laura's follow-up book to her Proper Care and Feeing of Husbands book. In it many men openly confess that they would do ANYTHING for their wives if they were only admired, respected, fed and not nagged or sex-starved.
The whole concept of the chase that the author stresses is that once the initial spark of romance starts to mature into a comfortable companionship, having an element of uncertainty --the chase -- can help to reignite the couple out of a boring routine of complacency and taking each other for granted. It's about spicing things up, being unpredictable - NOT about trying to deceive the other person through games.
As to the comment that building up a woman's sense of self is detrimental to a man - I completely disagree and I don't believe the author advocates any such thing. What man would NOT benefit from a relationship with a vibrant woman? And, why should we sacrifice our women so that men don't get hurt? Is there some reason it's okay to keep women from fulfilling their potential, when it's not okay to hurt men? This line of thinking not only handicaps women, but is just flat-out not what I read in the book.
Bottom line: Being a "bitch" isn't about being mean; it's about holding out for what you want and legitimately deserve in a relationship, from the perspective of women. The reason it's written for women is that most men don't put up with the kind of crap women do. That's not to say men don't get dealt a lot of nasty crap - it's just that they don't stick around to let it hit the fan, while women are overly forgiving of bad male behavior simply to stay in a relationship. Men have the ability to detach emotionally and just walk away. Women too often define themselves by their relationships, and so being in one, even a bad one, seems better than being alone. For this reason, the author advocates investing in your life and your self worth apart from the fact that you may or may not be in a relationship. Life is more than just a waiting period for the times you're not in a relationship. Enjoy it! It's sexier when you do.
In reply to an earlier post on Jan 16, 2007 1:16:47 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 16, 2007 1:52:19 AM PST
James D. Kennerly says:
That's all true. And you, A female student, sound like my last girlfriend. My current girlfriend? She goes with the flow, and I want to treat her like a queen. You know why? Because that's what us Cro-magnon men really want. Shocker, I know.
Why do you have to act so oppressed? Just be yourself. And if yourself is a high-maintenance woman and you have the desire to be seen that way by many men who know better, then you should read this book and heed its advice and continue to make the dating world a larger and larger cesspool.
In reply to an earlier post on Jan 30, 2007 10:10:29 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jan 31, 2007 3:37:20 PM PST
Cinnamon Girl says:
To Female Student: I think you did a great job describing a lot of what I think about this book, especially about women living up to their potential. After perusing various books' reviews, I've become acutely aware of a segment of the population that I didn't realize still existed. (I'm not judging it.) Many of the reviews to which I am referring are from people who state that they're living according to the Bible (what they believe the Bible says -- woman are to be submissive, quiet, and to make sure their men are happy), but some, without referencing the Bible, just like/believe that testosterone leads. They like it that way. But, those are not the only views in town. I know incredible men of honor, character, integrity, courage, etc. who are not the "Cro-magnon" type and they love, cherish, and feel passionate about independent, strong, confident women who have their own lives in addition to the one they share together because they also have busy and full lives aside from their relationships. To these guys, it's a waste of a life for a woman to not be an individual. Being a strong, independent thinking, assertive, successful, talented woman doesn't make her less of a woman. It makes her more of one. As a woman, I don't know how a guy could be attracted to me and respect me if I wasn't living my own life and living up to my potential. I wouldn't respect me either. The men that appeal to me are genuinely secure and those are also the men who, ultimately, maintain being attracted to me. I love men and I love my guy. Because I love him, I want to do things that I think will add to his life and happiness. He does the same for me. However, neither of us expect the things we do for each other. A new paradigm for relationships began to emerge not really that long ago and it's gaining momentum as people awaken to their unhappiness and lack of connection and fulfillment. The men in this new paradigm don't need the women in their lives to live small and suppress their greatness. They're gaining control over their egos. Despite what many of the reviewers above (see Bible reference) mentioned in those same reviews, differing choices aren't responsible for the decline of civilization.
Oppression of women has been a part of our culture and most parts of the world for a long time and our societies have been built by and upon men taking charge because they could (being physically larger and stronger). Men finally "gave" women the vote when it wasn't even theirs to keep away or give, and we entered the workforce, etc. On the line of time, we're not far removed from when we weren't able to vote, etc. Our society is still male-dominated and men (and many women) still believe and accept the notion that "It's a man's world." Sometimes it takes a long time to evolve (though the moment of change is an instant) because of everything connected to the beliefs. Because oppression is still all around us, strength and assertiveness in women is not yet respected as natural. We're b*tc*es. So we have books to teach (remind) us not to give ourselves away and not to lose ourselves.
I found an interesting passage in a book: "If you become a bit aloof, feign a lack of interest, you become more desirable. But it is people's ego that is titilated when you shun them, not their heart. When you give up your aloof act and seem interested, their egos are satisfied and they have no more need of you. It is not the pleasure of intimacy they are seeking, but the success of winning you over. Since they are afraid of intimacy, they will not get close, no matter how desirable a creature you are."
The original reviewer above states that he chased his prior girlfriend and then got tired of it. Look familiar? He was as responsible as his girlfriend for the "dance" they did. (I'm not criticizing his review. I liked the overall sentiment he expressed. I'm just bringing to light that we all do things we're not even aware we do. It's very easy to perceive other people to be the game-players, manipulators, etc. and the cause of the relationship problems, but to turn the pointing finger back at ourselves takes a higher level of consciousness and willingness to be held accountable.)
When/as people gain in self-awareness, the result will be increased awareness beyond self. With awareness comes the willingness and ability to take responsibility and do something about things instead of blaming other people and trying to get them to change. (If we're all doing this, then we all take responsibility and make change happen.) It will be a whole different world, let alone dating/mating/relationship scene when that day comes. Peace.