156 of 174 people found the following review helpful
A conversation with Stephenie Meyer,
This review is from: Eclipse Special Edition (The Twilight Saga) (Hardcover)
"You gave it three stars?" she asked me, biting her lip and holding her breath.
"Yes," I finally answered with my marble lips, cold yet strangely comforting, even warm. "Stephenie, don't forget to breathe."
"Oh, of course." A storm seemed to rage in her for just a moment.
"I gave it a three. It's good." I would never lie to her, could never lie to her. Yet, somehow, she felt it was a lie and brooded in stillness for a moment that seemed to last an eternity.
Finally, I broke the aching silence. "I gave it a three because the vampire lore was that good -- the extended plotline and the setup for a decent fourth novel were all enjoyable." There, I said it. Would it be enough for her? No, it would never be enough.
"But you absolutely hated the tent scene with the [spoiler removed], and you wanted to send Bella straight to vampire hell for her self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-obsessed self-ness by the end."
We paused and I noticed sobs erupting from deep inside her.
"Stephenie, breathe, and stop biting your lip, it's getting really annoying. Quit with the crying already. Yes, all of those things are true, and if I could release myself from your books, I would. But-"
"But?" she asked longingly, her fingers caressing my face while my fingers caressed her face and somebody else's fingers were somehow caressing both our faces because you can never have too much face-caressing going on -- whose fingers are those, anyway?
"But despite how much I hate Bella by now, I really want to find out more about the Volturi and the process of becoming a vampire and whether Bella is somehow part of an ancient bloodline that stirs up all the vampires and werewolves whenever she's around. That's why I gave it three stars, and that's why-" I gasped, she gasped, we both forgot to breathe and bit our lips, "-why I will be reading the fourth book as soon as it is out."
Finally, I remembered to breathe and stopped caressing her face, looked into her eyes and with my godlike, cool, marble lips, asked, "Satisfied?"
Smiling, she answered, "Yes, very."
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Showing 1-10 of 19 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Aug 11, 2008 8:10:25 AM PDT
That was 99.98% perfect. Sorry, but I had to shave off .02% for accuracy because nobody grimaced or said "Ugh." ;-)
Posted on Aug 11, 2008 10:28:46 AM PDT
Mrs. Snipes says:
Funny! Also, pretty much spot on.
Posted on Aug 12, 2008 10:13:15 AM PDT
Very clever review! Thanks for the laugh, and insight.
Posted on Aug 12, 2008 1:21:07 PM PDT
S. Zeleny says:
ROFLOL. No, really. I actually *did* laugh out loud. At the office...where anyone could hear me.
You captured the entire "Twilight" storyline with about 99.9% accuracy. But you failed to mention glowering, grimacing, hissing, and/or scowling. I'll let it slide this time ;)
Posted on Aug 29, 2008 3:29:05 PM PDT
J. David says:
Hilarious and a bulls-eye! Have you ever thought of writing vampire romances?
Posted on Dec 29, 2008 1:22:35 PM PST
G. Bell says:
Posted on Mar 8, 2009 8:33:04 AM PDT
LMAO. You totally captured the entire book--and series for that matter. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thought this *telenovela* style writing was getting ridiculous.
Posted on Mar 11, 2009 11:14:23 AM PDT
I found this very, very entertaining to read.
Posted on Dec 11, 2009 9:34:25 PM PST
Loved that! I just don't understand why so many middle-aged women love this poorly written book/series. What is the attraction? Just pick up a Harlequin romance for goodness sake.
Posted on Jul 8, 2010 7:50:55 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on Jul 8, 2010 9:28:22 PM PDT
A Night's Dream of Books says:
Well, I see there are quite a few Twilight Saga haters here, so I'm outnumbered...but I have to say something.
First off, the Twilight Saga is not only absorbing, but also moving, tender, and absolutely beautiful and enthralling! I could cite plenty of passages to prove my point, but won't, because this would then turn into a review, and a rather lengthy one at that.
Second, although cleverly done, this "review" did not tickle my funny-bone. In fact, I found it pretty insulting to any reader's intelligence, as well as highly disrespectful to Stephenie Meyer. I think she herself would concur, if she were to read this pseudo-critique. Her wonderful creation has been reduced to a list of constant facial caresses! Disgusting!
Third, the reviewer does not give solid, well-thought out reasons for awarding the book only three stars. Nevertheless, the writer's fictional Stephenie is enthusiastically satisfied at the end of the "review"! Please.
I discovered the first book in the series in 2006, read an excerpt on Amazon, and ordered it right away. When it arrived, I ate it up as quickly as I could! Then I ordered "New Moon", devouring it as well. I had to wait an entire year for "Eclipse" to come out, but when it did, I rushed out to a local bookstore, Books and Books, because Ms. Meyer was coming to town to do a signing! I did succeed in getting my book signed by her. When "Breaking Dawn" came out, I also rushed out to buy it -- there was to be no signing this time, but I just couldn't wait for Amazon to deliver it.
This book -- as well as its companions in the series -- has captured the beauty of true love as few novels have done. This series speaks to the heart and soul of anyone sensitive enough to understand its mythic power, its romantic, poetic enchantment.
No amount of ridicule will make these books quietly disappear into literary oblivion -- ever. It can only bring out the lack of sensitivity to beauty in those who do the ridiculing.