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At last, my victory over "good" is complete!
, July 10, 2012
This review is from: Diablo III - PC/Mac (Computer Game)
For the last 15 years, as I served as the constant whipping post for thousands...nay, MILLIONS of pathetic worms who have plundered my depths and banished me and my brothers to the soulstones time and time again! NO LONGER! On May 15 in the year of the Panda, 2012, my plan to claim victory over the Nine Hells and the High Heavens has come to fruition! Behold, the chronicle of my journey thus far!
Day 1: Millions of hapless insects gathered with their gold in hand and their steel drawn as they prepared to storm my doorstep, thinking that I, the Lord of Terror, would stand idly by as you farmed me for loot. Little did you suspect that my secret weapon "error 3007" would lay you all low! Those of you that happened to slip by my net came face to face with my uberlieutenants-- Lagmodan, The Serverbreaker,and Archbishop Disconnectus.
Day 2-5: See day 1...
Day 6: The delays caused by my impenetrable server defenses allowed me to fortify the Champions of Hell and overwhelm the puny Nephalem forces when they finally arrived...such awesome and destructive powers as: Molten QQ, Plague of Ridiculous Enrage Timers, and Arcane Orbital Repair Bills. To finalize my triumph, I ensured that any artifacts that my minions were carrying were at LEAST 5 levels lower and were utterly useless to the would-be plunderer. Truly the tears of the righteous are as music to my blackened soul!
Day 7: I rested...
Day 37: I have struck another triumphant blow! I have created a market place for the Nephalem, which is the only means of obtaining artifacts of any significant power. However, the true devious nature of this monstrosity is what makes it so delicious! In order to utilize it, the Nephalem are required to use a strange currency known as US Dollars, which they cannot access unless they willingly pay a 30% tithe to the forces of evil! MUAHAHAHAH! I really intended to slaughter them on day 1 with this device, but Belial was having trouble getting the Koreans on board with it.
Day 38: Once my demonic auction house of real money was fully operational, and the sniveling maggots were happily lapping up items of significant power with which to best my forces...I dropped ANOTHER masterful stroke on them, claiming yet another victory for Team Hell! I unleashed the Mighty Nerf-alem Hammer on all treasures under the High Heavens, making them nearly useless. Many who had spent their precious gold, real and virtual, were now banished to the Halls of Buyer's Remorse. I used the tears and subsequent blood of my fallen enemies to fill a bath, and washed myself in the Basin of Greedy Deception!
Day 45 and counting...: My saga continues to unfold, as many once-hopeful heroes have abandoned their quest altogether. Perhaps they will have an easier time slaying pandas soon... Those stalwarts who have chosen to stay, trapped in my Devilish Hamster Wheel of Doom and cursed to wander the Malignant Slot Machine of Rmah, do so in the vain hope that "things will get better." No mortal, they will NOT! Even when you are able to use the treasure you have purchased against EACH OTHER in Player vs. Player combat (no, really, it's coming...TRUST me...*evil laugh*), you will still be subject to my law of Eternal Internet Connection. Only once I've milked every last dollar and gold piece from these lackeys will I then pull the plug on the ServerStone forever! Just in time for Heart of the Swarm and Pandasy Island to be unleashed upon this ripe, unsuspecting world!
Lord of Terror
PS. Yesterday, my watchful eye spotted a 59 year old Hardcore Witch Doctor who was about to celebrate his 60th Season. I unleashed a Latency Storm on him as he was engaging 3 champion Heralds with "Waller, Plague, Arcane and Extra Life"...he is now a level 3 HC Monk. O tis fun to be evil!
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