3,791 of 4,216 people found the following review helpful
At last, my victory over "good" is complete!,
This review is from: Diablo III (Computer Game)For the last 15 years, as I served as the constant whipping post for thousands...nay, MILLIONS of pathetic worms who have plundered my depths and banished me and my brothers to the soulstones time and time again! NO LONGER! On May 15 in the year of the Panda, 2012, my plan to claim victory over the Nine Hells and the High Heavens has come to fruition! Behold, the chronicle of my journey thus far!
Day 1: Millions of hapless insects gathered with their gold in hand and their steel drawn as they prepared to storm my doorstep, thinking that I, the Lord of Terror, would stand idly by as you farmed me for loot. Little did you suspect that my secret weapon "error 3007" would lay you all low! Those of you that happened to slip by my net came face to face with my uberlieutenants-- Lagmodan, The Serverbreaker,and Archbishop Disconnectus.
Day 2-5: See day 1...
Day 6: The delays caused by my impenetrable server defenses allowed me to fortify the Champions of Hell and overwhelm the puny Nephalem forces when they finally arrived...such awesome and destructive powers as: Molten QQ, Plague of Ridiculous Enrage Timers, and Arcane Orbital Repair Bills. To finalize my triumph, I ensured that any artifacts that my minions were carrying were at LEAST 5 levels lower and were utterly useless to the would-be plunderer. Truly the tears of the righteous are as music to my blackened soul!
Day 7: I rested...
Day 37: I have struck another triumphant blow! I have created a market place for the Nephalem, which is the only means of obtaining artifacts of any significant power. However, the true devious nature of this monstrosity is what makes it so delicious! In order to utilize it, the Nephalem are required to use a strange currency known as US Dollars, which they cannot access unless they willingly pay a 30% tithe to the forces of evil! MUAHAHAHAH! I really intended to slaughter them on day 1 with this device, but Belial was having trouble getting the Koreans on board with it.
Day 38: Once my demonic auction house of real money was fully operational, and the sniveling maggots were happily lapping up items of significant power with which to best my forces...I dropped ANOTHER masterful stroke on them, claiming yet another victory for Team Hell! I unleashed the Mighty Nerf-alem Hammer on all treasures under the High Heavens, making them nearly useless. Many who had spent their precious gold, real and virtual, were now banished to the Halls of Buyer's Remorse. I used the tears and subsequent blood of my fallen enemies to fill a bath, and washed myself in the Basin of Greedy Deception!
Day 45 and counting...: My saga continues to unfold, as many once-hopeful heroes have abandoned their quest altogether. Perhaps they will have an easier time slaying pandas soon... Those stalwarts who have chosen to stay, trapped in my Devilish Hamster Wheel of Doom and cursed to wander the Malignant Slot Machine of Rmah, do so in the vain hope that "things will get better." No mortal, they will NOT! Even when you are able to use the treasure you have purchased against EACH OTHER in Player vs. Player combat (no, really, it's coming...TRUST me...*evil laugh*), you will still be subject to my law of Eternal Internet Connection. Only once I've milked every last dollar and gold piece from these lackeys will I then pull the plug on the ServerStone forever! Just in time for Heart of the Swarm and Pandasy Island to be unleashed upon this ripe, unsuspecting world!
Lord of Terror
PS. Yesterday, my watchful eye spotted a 59 year old Hardcore Witch Doctor who was about to celebrate his 60th Season. I unleashed a Latency Storm on him as he was engaging 3 champion Heralds with "Waller, Plague, Arcane and Extra Life"...he is now a level 3 HC Monk. O tis fun to be evil!
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Showing 1-10 of 129 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Jul 11, 2012 10:16:45 AM PDT
Last edited by the author on Jul 12, 2012 8:52:46 AM PDT
I have to admit, this is hilarious. I also like the fact that there are trolls who just click 'not helpful' purely based on star ratings instead of finding out how good this post was.
Update: FYI, when this review first went live, it was like 5 out of 30 ppl said it was helpful. Basically bunch of trolls who just rate 5 star reviews are not helpful without reading. Also, incase anyone missed it, the day 7 was meant for Tuesday (first official maintainence) where D3 servers were down most of the day. Hence, 'rested'
Posted on Jul 11, 2012 11:05:32 AM PDT
LL Coolbay says:
Bravo. Excellent parody post sir, I approve.
Posted on Jul 11, 2012 11:13:35 AM PDT
Magnificent. Couldn't have provided a more accurate description-through-parody myself.
Posted on Jul 11, 2012 11:42:13 AM PDT
D. L. Lamb says:
This. Post. Wins.
Posted on Jul 11, 2012 1:00:01 PM PDT
S. Breazeal says:
You are destined for greatness, sir.
Posted on Jul 11, 2012 3:32:02 PM PDT
I just wanted to thank you for this hilarious review it made my day lol
Posted on Jul 11, 2012 3:55:01 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on Jul 11, 2012 3:56:25 PM PDT
Russ B says:
This review needs a warning to not drink a beverage while reading. Mt. Dew spewed out my nose.
Course it *was* written by Diablo, so he'd probably count that as a victory as well...
In reply to an earlier post on Jul 11, 2012 4:33:44 PM PDT
@Russ- The thought of your nasal discomfort brought about by your carbonated elixir pleases me greatly, minion! May I suggest that you substitute the Mt. Dew with Huy Fong - Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce 17 Oz..
To Mini: This is indeed all part of my clever scheme! Those that would wield the Button of Helplessness so lightly do not yet understand its dark purpose!
Posted on Jul 11, 2012 5:17:18 PM PDT
Jesus Ivan Garcia says:
Jay Wilson destroyed my favorite childhood memory. To him it was probably just a game, but to me it was my Superman, my Ninja Turtles, my Voltron..
Blizzard used to be Legendary.. But all good things must come to an end,
Diablo III RIP