4,056 of 4,587 people found the following review helpful
At last, my victory over "good" is complete!,
This review is from: Diablo III - PC/Mac (Computer Game)
For the last 15 years, as I served as the constant whipping post for thousands...nay, MILLIONS of pathetic worms who have plundered my depths and banished me and my brothers to the soulstones time and time again! NO LONGER! On May 15 in the year of the Panda, 2012, my plan to claim victory over the Nine Hells and the High Heavens has come to fruition! Behold, the chronicle of my journey thus far!
Day 1: Millions of hapless insects gathered with their gold in hand and their steel drawn as they prepared to storm my doorstep, thinking that I, the Lord of Terror, would stand idly by as you farmed me for loot. Little did you suspect that my secret weapon "error 3007" would lay you all low! Those of you that happened to slip by my net came face to face with my uberlieutenants-- Lagmodan, The Serverbreaker,and Archbishop Disconnectus.
Day 2-5: See day 1...
Day 6: The delays caused by my impenetrable server defenses allowed me to fortify the Champions of Hell and overwhelm the puny Nephalem forces when they finally arrived...such awesome and destructive powers as: Molten QQ, Plague of Ridiculous Enrage Timers, and Arcane Orbital Repair Bills. To finalize my triumph, I ensured that any artifacts that my minions were carrying were at LEAST 5 levels lower and were utterly useless to the would-be plunderer. Truly the tears of the righteous are as music to my blackened soul!
Day 7: I rested...
Day 37: I have struck another triumphant blow! I have created a market place for the Nephalem, which is the only means of obtaining artifacts of any significant power. However, the true devious nature of this monstrosity is what makes it so delicious! In order to utilize it, the Nephalem are required to use a strange currency known as US Dollars, which they cannot access unless they willingly pay a 30% tithe to the forces of evil! MUAHAHAHAH! I really intended to slaughter them on day 1 with this device, but Belial was having trouble getting the Koreans on board with it.
Day 38: Once my demonic auction house of real money was fully operational, and the sniveling maggots were happily lapping up items of significant power with which to best my forces...I dropped ANOTHER masterful stroke on them, claiming yet another victory for Team Hell! I unleashed the Mighty Nerf-alem Hammer on all treasures under the High Heavens, making them nearly useless. Many who had spent their precious gold, real and virtual, were now banished to the Halls of Buyer's Remorse. I used the tears and subsequent blood of my fallen enemies to fill a bath, and washed myself in the Basin of Greedy Deception!
Day 45 and counting...: My saga continues to unfold, as many once-hopeful heroes have abandoned their quest altogether. Perhaps they will have an easier time slaying pandas soon... Those stalwarts who have chosen to stay, trapped in my Devilish Hamster Wheel of Doom and cursed to wander the Malignant Slot Machine of Rmah, do so in the vain hope that "things will get better." No mortal, they will NOT! Even when you are able to use the treasure you have purchased against EACH OTHER in Player vs. Player combat (no, really, it's coming...TRUST me...*evil laugh*), you will still be subject to my law of Eternal Internet Connection. Only once I've milked every last dollar and gold piece from these lackeys will I then pull the plug on the ServerStone forever! Just in time for Heart of the Swarm and Pandasy Island to be unleashed upon this ripe, unsuspecting world!
Lord of Terror
PS. Yesterday, my watchful eye spotted a 59 year old Hardcore Witch Doctor who was about to celebrate his 60th Season. I unleashed a Latency Storm on him as he was engaging 3 champion Heralds with "Waller, Plague, Arcane and Extra Life"...he is now a level 3 HC Monk. O tis fun to be evil!
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Showing 101-110 of 133 posts in this discussion
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 17, 2012 4:42:45 PM PDT
[Deleted by the author on Nov 30, 2012 10:58:05 AM PST]
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 17, 2012 8:19:33 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on Oct 17, 2012 8:20:38 PM PDT
Sir, do I go over to the The Best Of Desi Arnaz (Remastered) or the Depend Underwear for Men, Maximum Absorbency, Small Medium, 32-Count product pages and bash your reviews? No. So how about you give me the same courtesy and leave my review (which was completely lost on you by the way, no offense) alone.
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 18, 2012 8:02:09 AM PDT
[Deleted by the author on Nov 30, 2012 10:58:14 AM PST]
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 18, 2012 8:36:56 AM PDT
Branon Young says:
Seriously, It scares you when you see reviews like this?!? It scares me that someone could be so lacking of a sense of humor that they fail to see that this is a humorous and creative review that still, at least in my opinion, remains very accurate. You really need to relax and quit taking EVERYTHING so seriously. A review of a video game is nothing to be throwing a tantrum and having an aneurysm over.
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 18, 2012 8:42:41 AM PDT
Alright, to assuage your concerns over my mental well-being and so you can get some sleep tonight, I'll try to explain. I like to write and I like to play video games. I was a big fan of the Diablo series and was disappointed with the latest version. With all the negative reviews coming in about Diablo 3, I thought it would be interesting to write a review for the game from Diablo's point of view. You see? The only person that likes this game is Diablo. He would give it 5 stars for all the reasons that people have given it 1-star. It's called "satire" and it's been used to great effect throughout history. The point of it all, was to convey to people that that the game is substandard. Most people picked up on that, some people didn't. For another example, check out the BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen, 1.0mm, Black, 16ct (MSLP16-Blk) product reviews. They are hilarious (caution: must have sense of humor.)
PS. Sorry for the assumptions I made about the undergarments. It's just that my grandfather liked Desi Arnaz and he wore Depends. Thought there might have been a connection. I was wrong.
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 18, 2012 9:46:49 AM PDT
Last edited by the author on Jan 3, 2013 12:06:58 PM PST
A customer says:
It's not that I don't have ANY sense of humor, but thanks for explaining yourself. I am not a writer, so I did not know what satire meant. And thanks for apologizing, but I guess I owe you an apology also. I am not really a mean person, even though it may seem that way sometimes. That's neat that your grandpa liked Desi Arnaz.
Well, to be honest, I didn't know what to think when I saw this review. I just assumed you were crazy, you know. Sorry about calling you demented and stuff. I have played the first Diablo game, but I don't plan on playing any others. I don't think it is wise to play games that associate with the Devil. Just telling you my opinion on the games.
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 18, 2012 10:12:40 AM PDT
All good, my friend. No apology necessary. In all fairness, a lot of my review was written for people who were probably already aware of the issues with the game in the first place. Looking at it from your point-of-view, you were probably justified in questioning my grasp on reality, not having played the game to get the references I was making.
I mainly like RPG's (Elder Scrolls, Witcher, Fallout) and Action/adventure/stealth (Arkham Asylum/City, Thief Series). I also recently got hooked up on DayZ, which is a cool mod for Arma II. The only reason to BUY Arma II, I might add. I'm also big into retro gaming (as far back as DOS) and console/arcade/pinball emulators (NES, SNES, MAME), mainly to introduce my kids to the games I played as a kid.
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 18, 2012 10:17:37 AM PDT
Travis Lankford says:
Diablo even plays other games. He/she has become bored with ruling the bowels of Hell and waiting for HC Players to get to 59, haha. The Lord of TerrOOOOAARRRR has lost interest in his own Kingdom of Doooom.
Way to go Diablo... from Oregon!
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 18, 2012 10:23:52 AM PDT
It's just been lonely since everyone left! T.T
Posted on Oct 18, 2012 10:30:29 AM PDT
I know as the Lord of Terror this may make you frown but thank you for the epic review! Yours was the first one that I actually LOL'd to and I looked around to make sure no one heard me ;x