589 of 654 people found the following review helpful
Good principal, disappointed in tone and tangibles...,
This review is from: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (Hardcover)
I thought the principal behind the book was something that will help virtually every married couple. My husband and I laughed at sections b/c we found some of the anecdotes so spot on to our daily lives. Eggerichs clearly explained to us why we keep going through the "Crazy Cycle." The Respect/Love needs in men/women is potentially a marriage saver or breaker.
I have 2 constructive criticisms of the book. I still recommend this book, however I do give these caveats:
1. This book talks as if men know how to love their wives. There may be a million books out there on how to do it, but we didn't have those. My husband and I were reading this one. And I grew weary of hearing how women needed to learn to respect their husbands. Frankly, I grasped the principal within the first few pages. After a few chapters, I felt like rolling my eyes a little. Because he paid so little attention to talking about how men should love their wives, it felt like that part was very trivialized. I understand that was not the point, however, the title was "Love & Respect", not just "Respect."
2. I would have liked more tangible examples of exactly what it means to "Respect" my husband. I want to do it. And he made it clear that "nagging, complaining, and whining" at him were disrespectful. But I need more examples. What are the active things I can do? Is it disrespectful to remind my husband to take the garbage out the night before? If it is, then how do I make sure the task gets done w/out reminding him? It isn't an issue of control, but I have to get the kids out the door in the morning and I need help and I need him to do this one thing. Make sense? I need to know how to have those discussions w/out disrespecing him.
I hestitate to use this as a small group book b/c it is so one-sided. And it tends to repeat itself. Again, I got the principal pretty quickly. And as good as it is, after a while, enough is enough. Another reviewer said it felt a bit like a brochure for the conference. That is exactly how I felt.
A good book? Yes. A helpful principle? Absolutely. A must-read? Maybe. But definitely helpful to a Christian marriage and therefore, I do and would recommend it.
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Showing 1-10 of 65 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Nov 8, 2006 12:27:57 PM PST
Melissa Bible says:
I've not read the book, but we are using the video in our small group and it is excellent. It is very balanced in the Love/Respct examples. I feel the video's are excellent and we've had such great discussions in our group after each weeks viewing. I would like to read the book now.
Posted on Jan 29, 2007 4:12:09 PM PST
I agree with your comment about this book being a bit redundant--we received several books when we got married last year, and I think I would have enjoyed this one better if I'd read it first. If you're looking for a guide with more suggestions, I highly recommend "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. I read that one first and it has a very "scientific" approach, with conclusions and suggestions drawn from survey data. Frankly, when I read Eggerich's book I thought it sounded a bit pompous, drawn mostly from his own experience. The Feldhahn book also has a counterpart for men that's pretty down-to-earth, too.
In reply to an earlier post on Oct 27, 2008 9:57:58 AM PDT
M. Johnson says:
One of the big pluses to L&R versus the For Women and For Men books is the Biblical framework in L&R. Emerson begins each argument with Scripture, then draws on sociological evidence to support his application of Scripture in the contemporary setting. In contrast, Feldhahn relies solely on sociological evidence. Having said that, however, I don't think her advice is at all inconsistent with Scripture.
Additionally, because Feldhahn has a separate book for men and a separate book for women, there is less focus on the communication dynamic between husband and wife. There is no place where she presents both sides of a given communication issue.
I didn't mind the numerous examples in L&R and in the two Feldhahn books. Each example helped me to see a different possible application to my own marriage. More examples, please!
Posted on Feb 13, 2009 1:44:35 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 13, 2009 1:54:41 PM PST
@A. Cooper... If your housework includes taking the trash out etc. then here is an example of respect, "Dear, I'm having a hard time can you please help me by taking out the trash when it's full?" INSTEAD OF "Don't forget to take the trash out". See the difference there? One is a respectful request for help with work you are supposed to be doing and the other is a disrespectful (calling him forgetful) demand.
The best way to handle the situation and to make sure it gets done is to give up on trying to get him to do it and just make the time to take the trash out yourself when you know it needs to be taken out, that way it doesn't grow into a larger problem. He may be "forgetful" with regards to the trash etc. but at least you are not since you seem to always notice, so take advantage of your lack of "forgetfulness" with regards to the trash and for his sake and yours just do it yourself. Where one falters the other takes up the slack, sometimes it can be unfortunate but it's usually a blessing for all involved.
If it is just too difficult to do that particular job then mention it to your husband in honesty and humility (you are asking for his help after all), i.e. "Dear, the trash is just too heavy sometimes can you do it for me?" or "Dear, I really hate taking out the trash can you do it for me?", that way he is not disrespected and his love for you should convict him to do what he should.
In reply to an earlier post on Mar 6, 2009 9:14:24 PM PST
L. Redweik says:
I notice no one gave the requested examples of how a man should love a woman...
Try reading EVERY MAN'S MARRIAGE by Arterburn and Stoeker and Gary Smalley's IF ONLY HE KNEW... AWESOME is all I can say. Again, I offer to Smalley to read it for recording for free if he'd make an audio version!!! Same for Every Man's Marriage. The Every Man's book is only for men who want to serve God probably though. Smalley's will work for any man really if he wants it to.
In reply to an earlier post on Mar 26, 2009 8:31:02 AM PDT
"The best way to handle the situation and to make sure it gets done is to give up on trying to get him to do it and just make the time to take the trash out yourself when you know it needs to be taken out, that way it doesn't grow into a larger problem."
This doesn't solve the problem. As a wife of 24 years, I can tell you that "just make the time" to do an infinite number of household chores is impossible!
In reply to an earlier post on May 13, 2009 8:47:31 PM PDT
K. Stone says:
I agree. Experience tells me that when I start doing jobs that have inheritantly been his, they become permanently mine! Then things get out of balance and I end up doing most everything... I have yet to change the airfilters for this reason...one of the few jobs that haven't become mine.
I think wording the reminder makes the difference between nagging and respectfully and gently reminding. "Honey, I noticed the garbage is full, can you take it out in the morning before you go to work? or "Honey, I know you have a lot on your mind, so just in case you haven't thought about it, tomorrow is garbage day."
Posted on Jun 3, 2009 4:37:14 PM PDT
J. Kang says:
I agree with your review; especially regarding your 1st caveat. I felt that the first half of the book really focused too much on the respect aspect, and there was not an equal emphasis on how men should love their wives. Like you, after awhile I started rolling my eyes and started to think that there was a slight bias.
Posted on Nov 5, 2009 12:23:39 PM PST
dodge girl says:
I also agree that this book focuses entirely too much on Respect. I think it is an interesting priniciple and though I'm not yet finished with the book, I have applied a more respectful attitude toward dealing with my husband and it has been yeilding results. I really like the concepts the book presents and the references to the scriptures but I'm on chapter 5 and I feel like it has been very redundant. I also got the impression that the book was merely and advertisement for the seminars.
Posted on Feb 9, 2010 9:16:59 AM PST
I'd recommend "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsen, if you need to figure out how to not nag. I haven't read it, but I've heard excellent things about it and it's sitting on my shelf, waiting for me to finish the 5 other books on my list ahead of it!