385 of 506 people found the following review helpful
NOT FOR CHILDREN,
This review is from: The Holy Bible: King James Version (Paperback)
This novel was a sort of dark read. From the first book, there are already gratuitous implications of incest, brain-bashing, and some other really messed up stuff (don't want to spoil it for those of you who love creepypasta like this novel). Throughout the first chapter of this novel (there are two very long chapters, each with several mock accounts by some very creative novelists) there are more and more references and even direct accounts of God destroying people for not worshipping him the right way. Oh, and NEVAR create a bronze, gold, or even Papier-mâché symbol of God, he does NOT like it. He gets all jealous because he has separation anxiety, and he gets violent really quickly. But we stick with him, because we know he'll change when he realizes we're not going anywhere. This novel was pretty exciting, approximately until the book of Psalms and the book of Proverbs.
Then the Bible started to lull. Honestly, it could've been cut off after the first four books; after that there's not really much suspense of whether the characters would survive or be totally annihilated by their creator and friend, the moody, adolescent God. After these there are some very depressing poems and some prose which is equally depressing. There is a VERY sensual book called Song of Solomon. The smut-peddling author is describing the minutiae of his lover's body (female, presumably; although possibly a man with Gynecomastia and a tight rear-end) and talking about secksing her up really good, and there's a massage to completion and it's very disturbing. Not an easy read: I felt like I was reading smut when I pulled it out in public (probably shouldn't have been touching myself, but come on: bible readers, back me up on this!). After that some pretty boring stuff happens, but it's just a prologue to the next section of the book, called the New Testament, sometimes the New Testament of Jesus Christ (the protagonist in this section).
While reading the New Testament I laughed out loud as I pondered the feasibility of having a star lead three men thousands of miles to see a woman they had never met giving birth to a baby they also didin't know, but who they will worship and one day kill for, in a sort of cult (more on that later); and I cried when Jesus had his heart broken by that hot drunk chick he met at the party. More sex, predictably: God has sex with mary, a virgin, to make a sort of man-god hybrid that he'll act through (a sort of puppet, but one that has half or a quarter of a brain that can think on its own), a whole bunch of murder, more depressing stuff in between, then it gets very dull. It drags on for what seem like twenty or more books (in reality it's around nine I think), then goes out with a bang with the Book of Revelation. It's a very, very deeply disturbing account by a man named John who had supposedly been exiled, alone, to the island of Patmos (they named it after the actual island of Patmos (the novel likes tying itself into the natural world to give readers the impression that it's a factual account rather than fiction, which it purely is in actuality)). There are very deeply disturbing hallucinations described as though the writer was actually experiencing this while writing for John. There are some dragons, and pretty much the Earth blows up (not really, but kind of -- just read it).
The book then sets itself up for a sequel, then just sort of ends with a nauseatingly cheesy resolution (this actually is recounted a whopping FOUR times, and is then referenced throughout the next books in the New Testament). All in all, not a great read. It's one of those books that you hate reading, but want to be able to say you've read, so you can joke about it at parties and wonder what drugs they were on when writing it. It's also got good paper if you like to roll your own cigarettes, I usually just buy Bibles instead of paper to be frank.
I actually found this book a more entertaining read:
The Book of Mormon
There are some hysterical inaccuracies and anachronisms in pretty much every book of this one. Have fun, thanks for reading; thumbs up or down if you liked reading and I'll make sure to do some more!
Thanks for reading,
Ga Tech School of Mathematics, College of Computing
/* Pro Tip: The Bible is not written in chronological order: the resolution is recounted once in each of the first four books of the New Testament. */
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Showing 1-10 of 13 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Jul 15, 2011 7:17:52 PM PDT
Jacob D. Blake says:
You sir... are Epoch :)
Posted on Jul 15, 2011 7:34:36 PM PDT
Ann Marie de Diego says:
Your words make me smile
Posted on Jul 15, 2011 9:00:27 PM PDT
Thank you both, I think your comments add to the discussion. I had plenty of fun finding this accidentally and then writing the review itself.
Posted on Jul 17, 2011 2:00:31 AM PDT
Thomas Allen says:
The part about Gynecomastia had me in tears once I looked it up on Wikipedia.
In reply to an earlier post on Jul 18, 2011 8:44:36 PM PDT
Karryn Dean says:
Don't you mean that he's epic?
Posted on Jul 21, 2011 8:58:40 AM PDT
Last edited by the author on Jul 21, 2011 9:00:08 AM PDT
Veronica Guy says:
Please dear Aaron, can you break your reviews into paragraphs thus making our reading a mite easier. Thank you so much.
Apart from that, I am enjoying these reviews immensely :-)
Posted on Jul 22, 2011 8:42:27 PM PDT
Paragraphs are your friend.
In reply to an earlier post on Jul 25, 2011 7:03:02 PM PDT
I'm very glad. That bit took the longest to write, I think: I had to get it exactly right.
In reply to an earlier post on Jul 25, 2011 7:03:21 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on Jul 25, 2011 7:12:14 PM PDT
For ease of reading, I've separated my review into paragraphs. I left places for them, but somehow the formatting screwed me. It should show up properly within 48 hours of this post. Thanks for the feedback, I yessed all your comments.
Posted on Aug 12, 2011 11:26:12 PM PDT
Jay Lee says:
Most accurate and thorough summary yet!!! This was extremely helpful and entertaining. I definitely want to read more of your reviews! Do you have a blog or twitter?