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65 of 68 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Rule #1, This Is Recommended for Marital Wisdom and Good Reminders, January 17, 2012
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This review is from: Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up (Hardcover)
The timing of the arrival of this book was somewhat uncanny, as it arrived the day after my wife and I had had our first fight in quite a long while (in the past, there have been rough spots). During that fight, uncharacteristically, my wife was really anger with me and lost her temper, screaming and yelling and cursing; that night, she even slept in another room. The next morning my instinct was (fitting of Ms. Lerner observation that we tend toward fight or flight) to be frosty, but I reminded myself that won't change a downward spiral effect; so I tried to be pleasant, but that probably just got me to neutral. Then, a few pages in to Marriage Rules, Lerner wrote (quoting a friend and colleague): "It's just when your partner is being the biggest jerk that you're called upon to be your best self." Now, my wife wasn't really being a jerk (I could understand why she was disappointed in me, even if she was over-reacting [from my vantage point]. But it helped me reset my emotional thermostat and got me excited about Ms. Lerner's new book.

The excitement wasn't because of any big breakthroughs, but because the book offers timeless reminders delivered in an engaging way and illustrated with good vignettes. For example, in Rule #43 in the "Fight Fair" section, she tells about a San Francisco-based couple that fought viciously over just about everything. They seemed to have no control over their attacks on each other -- until a distinguished British professor stayed as a house guest for months, sleeping in the bedroom right next to theirs. Over those months, they were courteous with each other and agreed it was among the best months of their marriage. The point: you have more control than you think.

Not every rule or vignette moved me (for example, her story about communication about sex in Rule #55 seemed a bit too obvious), but the general message in that section "Forget About Normal Sex" is spot on and relieves pressure that can only make things worse in the bedroom. So overall, well recommended, especially if you're looking for a book to keep by your bedside and read a rule or two or few at a time -- and then share the book with your partner.

Other books on marriage to consider: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (helpful for looking at the deep underlying patterns that cause disfunction) and The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work (especially helpful if you're really struggling).
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Showing 1-2 of 2 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Feb 23, 2012 11:13:19 AM PST
Last edited by the author on Feb 23, 2012 11:13:45 AM PST
John Kramer says:
Thanks for the helpful review and being willing to reveal a bit about yourself. Are there any other couple's/marriage books you'd recommend?

In reply to an earlier post on Feb 23, 2012 2:41:59 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Jul 5, 2012 11:54:37 AM PDT
I have actually read quite a few books on marriage. The best for deeper psychological insights into marriage dynamics is Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition and if you're struggling just to stay together, check out: The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work. I will note these in the review itself.
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