Ah, Venice. The gem of Europe with it's swimming pool colored water, incompetent police force, and English-speaking citizenry who occasionally string together a many as two or even three simple Italian words together just so you know you're in Italy. And how could one forget the roaring man-eating great white sharks patrolling the surface in broad daylight that nobody ever sees and ignores even when they tear through a gondola or two and then spend two minutes chomping at minuscule floating bits of bait while one wonders where the rest of the person they are supposedly eating is. Either way, the populace simply report these people as missing and the police do their best to assure everybody that it was just a boating accident even when there is no evidence of a boating accident aside from the occasional gnawed torso floating around. Because they wouldn't want tourism to go down, see? Personally, I'd go to Venice right the hell now if there was a chance I'd see a great white shark eat a dude. Now what's REALLY scary is all of those boating accidents. Good God, what was I thinking when I rented this? Oh, right: "best DVD cover EVER!"

Friends I have a weakness. My favorite film of all time is Jaws. Sharks have been my favorite of God's creatures for as long as I can remember and I long to see movies made about them. Especially movies where they are eating the holy hell out of people. Stupid humans think they're so smart... I even liked Deep Blue Sea. A lot. Yes, seriously. So I have an illness, you see. I rented this film knowing full well that these are the folks who make those unwatchable "horror" "films" for the Sci-Fi Channel with one-word names that tell you every single thing you need to know about said film like "Octopus", "Crocodile", and "Spiders". Add the infamous "Shark Attack" trilogy to that list. And there lies the problem. Sure the first two were possibly the single worst films I have ever sat through from beginning to end, but Shark Attack 3: Megalodon was AWESOME! Not because it was in any way, shape, or form "good" as they say, but because it was so unbelievably retarded and batsh!+ insane that anyone subjected too it would be blinded by tears of laughter for most of it. I took one look at the cover for "Sharks in Venice" and I got that same feeling. Never again.

Okay it's like this: evil dude seeks Marco Polo's hidden treasure, unleashes great white sharks in Venice to protect treasure that he does not know the location of (how he came by or transported these sharks is a mystery), sends divers to find treasure, and then gets angry that his divers keep getting eaten by sharks. And this man is still smarter than anybody who was associated with making this film. Yes, you too, Stephen Baldwin. 90 minutes of a cheap R-rated exploitation flick with Scarlett Johansson's hot sister as your wife and you couldn't even get her shirt off for us? You are truly the lamest Baldwin. But I digress. The shark attacks consist of documentary stock footage of random sharks roaming the ocean with roaring sound effects cut together with screaming divers and red stuff in the water. If there is a worse way to film a shark attack I have yet to witness it.

But surely there is suspense during the dives, right? If suspense means that every ten seconds of the ten minute dive the film cuts to random stock footage of a shark swimming at the ocean's surface even when the divers are in a cave for ten minutes at a time before anything happens, then yes, it is quite suspenseful. And it's not all about the sharks either. It's about sending ninjas to kill the star in his hotel room -even though the boss still wants him to find the treasure for them- and the riveting syringe-versus-flowervase fight that follows. Turns out the hero needed to ditch the vase and get him a floor lamp to take that dude out. Then he runs down the hall and waits until the security guy gets gunned down by another SMG-wielding ninja dude in full view of all before yelling "he's got a gun!" as he sprints past the other security guy in the movie's funniest moment. So the ninja chases him to the basement of the hotel, takes off his mask and blindly sprays the room with automatic fire in spite of the fact that there is nothing to shoot at. When he runs out of bullets, the chainsaw versus table fight is on! This time the hero needs to grab himself a chair to get the upper hand. Why there was a chainsaw there to begin with is not disclosed.

If I ever see stock footage in a horror film that is not named "Jaws" again, I'm just turning the sucker off. But it's not all "Shark Week" footage; there are, like, two awful CG shots which are the highlights of the movie. My favorite is the one where a shark snags a guy off of the dock in spite of the fact that the shark-cam clearly shows that the shark could not see anything but the bottom of the dock. The best part is the CG water that splashes up and apparently cost too much to animate coming back down so they just removed the CG shark and rewound the footage to totally simulate gravity. Didn't look ridiculous at all, nosiree.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Anybody who give this film more than 1 star is a filthy liar. I'm not going to point to any obvious planted reviews that may or may not be sharing this page with me or anything because that would be rude, but I can most assuredly assure you that I am one of the 3-10 people that are the target audience for this sort of film and it is getting filed under "epic fail". Less gore than the PG "Jaws", no sex or nudity, and only a few instances of the unintentional zaniness that made "Megalodon" such a sinfully incompetent delight. Avoid at all costs unless you are a glutton for shark-related punishment like myself.

NEVER AGAIN! I mean it this time.