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Customer Review

242 of 308 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Much ado about nothing, August 20, 2009
This review is from: Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition) (DVD)
The only people on earth who are allowed to sparkle are as follows...

1) Drag Queens. A Drag Queen who does not emit sparkly fabulousness from the core of their being is a very sad thing and should be given a hug.

2) David Bowie. Need I say more?

Someone needs to explain the why's and wherefore's of this whole "sparkly vampire" business to me. I really don't understand it at all. Going out in daylight... OK, Dracula could do it if he were well fed, so why not? But sparkles?

Anyway on to the meat of this review... (which will likely get thoroughly ignored as there seems to be so much hype over this flick)

As far as I can tell, Twilight has no plot. At all. There aren't any conflicts until the last 20 minutes or so. There isn't any drama. This is a vampire movie with no conflict among the main characters, only teen angst and Bella and Edward mooning over each other. The dialog between Edward and Bella would be better if it were done with semaphore flags. Thank goodness I had rifftrax going during those awkward silences. The really sad part is that neither of them really seems to have any real reason to angst over their boring lives. Nothing's really keeping them apart. The few glimpses of indistinguishable backup high schoolers didn't have anyone telling Bella what a horrible person she was and no one went to torment "the new girl."

Anything that could be remotely called interesting would have been centered around Bella's sheriff dad and the "maulings" (read: vampire attacks) he's investigating. But the script instead goes to focus on Bella and Edward's wangsting.

Anyone who thinks of Bella as a Mary Sue, I agree. This is perhaps the worst case of published marysueitis I have ever run across. Everyone likes her. She always gets her way. People drop everything to save her even if they have utterly no interest to do so. To make things worse, I found her to be a horrible character in general. There's one scene where one of the indistinguishable backup high schoolers is asking her out to the prom and she isn't paying the poor bit character the slightest whit of attention, preferring to gaze longingly at Edward in the distance. I'm sorry, but that's just rude and under most circumstances would probably make someone a bit miffed. I don't care if the poor guy is a bit character, I'd rather a small look at any of the their small dramas, because I could at least see that they had things going on in their lives from the tiny glimpses shown in the film.

Speaking of small bit characters, the best one is some poor construction or engineering guy in a hard hat who finds himself hunted by the "OMG bad vampires." I'll give the redshirt credit, the shadowplay on the screen says that he gave them a fight and with an iota more depth, he would have fought them off. :) Go redshirt, go! I'm told that scene was not in the books. It makes me lose all desire to ever read them.

As seems to be the trend for this movie, the villains aren't developed at all. They are clearly "OMG EVOL!!!1!!" because they act like, well, normal vampires and because they see Bella as an interesting snack. Were they given more depth or a motive at all, I probably would have started to root for them. As it was, I was bored silly.

Aesthetically speaking, the film wasn't terrible, although I could have done with less cool toned lighting. Kirsten Stewart is a pale deadpan enough without the camera making it even more obvious. Also, the soundtrack has a rather pretty piano piece in the middle, supposedly composed by Robert Pattinson. I hope he manages to get himself fired from the sequels before his entire career goes down the drain. He played a good Cedric in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

I wouldn't recommend Twilight to anyone. No amount of pretty camera work or tiny scene additions could save this movie from a script that would have been better used as toilet paper.
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Showing 1-10 of 30 posts in this discussion
Initial post: May 23, 2010 1:03:36 PM PDT
Monica says:
Great, personal review! I happen to like the accounting for adult taste. But there it is. However, I really enjoyed your tearing it to pieces!

In reply to an earlier post on May 25, 2010 10:48:45 PM PDT
E. Ambrose says:
Well, All I can say is that everyone has their favorite movie that happens to be awful. Nothing wrong with that in the slightest. :)

Incidentally, the Rifftrax for it are really funny and well worth the download, in case you want to hear three people rip the movie apart as it plays before you.

Posted on Jun 2, 2010 7:43:04 AM PDT
The individuals who just saw the movie rather than reading the book are totally lost on everything. The first movie could have gone into greater detail about what is really going on rather than the action scenes so people knew what was really going on. The second movie was much better at depicting things. I think this would have been better as a mini-series because there is just too much information that needs to be understood for just one movie each.

In reply to an earlier post on Jun 2, 2010 10:16:04 PM PDT
E. Ambrose says:
Well, are the following true statements...

1) The vast majority of the first part is spent watching Bella and Edward... um... er... *searches for the right word*... court.

2) The conflict in question between the OMG EVOL vampires and the Cullens is territorial in nature. (I may be fuzzy on the details here. I only watched the film once.)

If both of these statements are true with regards to the film and the book, then I would suppose that the gist of the book's contents made it into the final cut. I am aware that no screen adaptation of a book ever has the amount of detail that goes into the book itself. However, I was not so intrigued by the film that I felt the need to read the book and so refrained from any comparison between the two.

*checks compass* I don't think I'm lost in that regard anyway. :)

Posted on Jun 13, 2010 2:16:20 PM PDT
Strange Bird says:
I'm afraid I have to agree with Joyce here... the movie was absolutely horrible, and did not do the books justice. Terribly directed. I really don't want to say the acting was bad, because Robert Pattinson did a good job in Harry Potter(and was marginally more handsome, as well). The books were great - no classics by any means, but I enjoyed them thoroughly.

In reply to an earlier post on Jun 26, 2010 8:55:44 PM PDT
E. Ambrose says:
Like I said earlier, I can't compare a movie I've watched to a book I haven't read. If you feel that way though, it's ok. I'm the last person to hold someone's favorite book against them, even if I don't think I'll like the same book. :)

In reply to an earlier post on Jun 28, 2010 7:13:33 AM PDT
Diane Raetz says:
Actually the first book was all about Edward and Bella wangsting too.

Posted on Jul 5, 2010 11:56:47 PM PDT
I hated this movie too and the second one as well. I don't care what fans say this story is boring and uneventful. I'm still yet to find a plot.

Posted on Jul 7, 2010 5:12:28 AM PDT
[Deleted by the author on Jul 8, 2010 5:00:31 PM PDT]

In reply to an earlier post on Aug 4, 2010 11:04:22 AM PDT
I agree with you..there is no reason Edward and Bella cannot be together..If she wants to be a vampire..for gosh sakes why don't he bite her! I waited all through the 1st book for that to happen...and when they were playing baseball..why couldn't Edward and Bella leave...why did they have to stay untill the vampires got up to them? and it was pretty dumb for her to go to that Ballet studio..anyone would know it was a trap..Bella being stony faced is right..her expression never changes..she cannot play emotions...then Edward acts like he has to keep her human and deny what he wants...i liked the books..Bella is different in the books..but this movie was the closest to the book of the 3 that have been made..I really think it might be the Directors they are not telling the characters how to portray their character..instead they are settling for the violence and jacob with his shirt off..something else sort of silly...wat Teenagers do not make out? Edward barely kisses her like he is afraid of her..even in the 3rd film they do not kiss passionately..i think they should get off thinking the audience will be all 9 year olds and is more older people that go to see them..and so what uif a 9 year old cannot get in alone due to the rating...if their Parents want them to see it..they can take them..the ending of the gazebo scene was beautiful and i really liked that..i always wonder how Edward can lie there all night with Bella and not get bored..nor not touch her etc? anyway..if the Directors would read the books..then have a feedback on a website of waht people want of the movies and instruct the actors how to do their would be lots better? after reading the expects so much and gets so little.
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