766 of 808 people found the following review helpful
Where's The Needle On *Your* Love Tank?,
This review is from: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Paperback)
How's your relationship with your mate? Your children? Your parents? Your siblings? It may be a matter of the state of the "love tank".
Author Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate believes everyone has a love tank, and that tank is filled by different love languages. These five languages are Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality of Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Often, we tend to give love in the languages we are most fluent in, which usually ends up being the languages that fill up our love tank. This would be why a husband who does yard work, dishes, car maintenance, etc. (Acts of Service) is floored when his wife says "You never show me you love me. You never cuddle with me, or caress my hair, or make the first move for sex." (Physical Touch). Or, "Why don't you spend time with me? Why do you work so much?" (Quality Time). And, "Why don't you buy me flowers? Why don't you ever get me cards or balloons...just because?" (Gifts) Or "You never tell me what I mean to you. Why don't you ever share with me what I mean to you, or what my good qualities are?" (Words of Affirmation) But, if her language is primarily Acts of Service, she'll feel so loved and honored because her husband does so many things for her, and thus feels "full" in her love tank.
This may not sound like a big deal, but considering the divorce rate is 50% (as one relationship instance), and so many seem to be unhappy with their primary relationships, the concept of love languages may very well be a signficant factor in understanding self and others, and in relationship growth. Perhaps relationships get rocky or arrive at an impasse because individuals are speaking a different love language than what fills up the "love tank" of the object of their affection...and a result, the recipient doesn't feel loved. It's not that they feel empty and unfufilled because love isn't being given, but because the language "spoken" is not something that registers to the recipient as a form of love.
Chapman further theorizes that we usually have 2 main love languages that fill up our tank. He also says that if a person has a hard time identifying their main love languages, they've either been on empty for so long and are out of touch with their needs, or they have been so filled up by their spouse, that all 5 languages tend to speak to them equally.
A story in the book that illustrates the love tank theory is the "burnt toast syndrome". A woman was sick in bed. Her husband would always bring her burnt toast to her when she was ailing. She was so hurt and offended by this repeated insensitivity and ignorance, that she finally burst into tears one day, and asked him why he did that...and didn't he care? She was floored to hear him say "I'm sorry honey. I had no idea. Burnt toast is my favorite, and I gave you what I would consider my favorite breakfast...burnt toast."
Chapman writes: "When your spouse's emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks right and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world."
I recommend this book highly. It could very well be a relationship saver!
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Showing 1-10 of 10 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Nov 21, 2007 6:03:22 PM PST
Thank you Janet for your astute and comprehensive review. I read the book years ago, and you hit all the important points. Too, I agree with you.. it's a super book. Judy
Posted on Nov 27, 2007 6:56:47 PM PST
J. Thorpe says:
Thanks so much for your review. I've been debating purchasing this book as a gift for my significant other. I thought the men's version might be a good fit for him. I was introduced to this book by a girlfriend, and we have spent some significant time discussing love languages, and how love languages explain, define, and impact important relationships in our lives. What a great gift to show how important the receipient and relationship are, in every language.
In reply to an earlier post on Feb 27, 2008 3:32:07 PM PST
[Deleted by Amazon on Mar 16, 2008 1:18:42 PM PDT]
Posted on Feb 19, 2009 9:04:37 AM PST
David A. Bielby says:
I would like to point out that the divorce rate is about 50% in Belarus, but not in the USA. It is about 23% in the USA. I think Christianity Today wrote an article about this several years ago, pointing out how this fable became a commonly expressed concept.
Posted on Aug 14, 2010 2:08:34 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on Jan 13, 2011 5:42:13 AM PST
! Aesop - Sam says:
"Author Gary Chapman ... believes everyone has a love tank, and that tank is filled by different love languages. These five languages are Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality of Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch."
- author Sam
In reply to an earlier post on Apr 28, 2011 7:04:10 PM PDT
Last edited by the author on Apr 28, 2011 7:04:41 PM PDT
the divorce according to the Center for Disease Control
"Divorce rate: 3.4 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)"
data from 2009, 2010 data should be coming soon (it is on a trend to rise)
3.4 for every 1000 population.
If you put that into the context of number of persons getting married,
"6.8 per 1,000 total population" the 2009 marriage rate
3.4/1000 getting divorced verses 6.8/1000 getting married
this is where the common "50%" rate comes from.
Posted on Jan 16, 2014 7:25:54 AM PST
As a man I didn't want to read this book, well because I already have the answers. but I found that this book gave me a lot of understanding of myself and my mate. So don't be afraid of words like "love tank" and "relationship" and read the book and make some burnt toast.
In reply to an earlier post on Apr 12, 2014 2:41:47 AM PDT
Mark Thomas says:
Roses, Airs and Graces
Good book really interesting it was just so colourful and bright. Good job I say
Posted on Nov 19, 2014 8:07:10 PM PST
N. Poole says:
It's funny, a guy I recently split with ironically read this book and told me about it. When he described everything to me I figured out and told him that words did it for me most of the time followed by physical touch, whereas he was physical touch. In spite of him knowing that about me, he said he was very understated (he didn't have problems expressing himself early on, but when things became more serious, he tapered off), and the words stopped almost completely so I was kind of frustrated. Of course his language was physical so his tank was full while I was still on the lower end. Teaches you that learning something is not that great if you're not willing to APPLY it. We split for other reasons I won't get into here, but it's great information to have.
In reply to an earlier post on Dec 1, 2014 2:48:50 PM PST
Janet Boyer says:
Thank you! So true: head knowledge isn't enough. You have to be willing, and able, to apply it. :o)
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