Customer Review

59 of 84 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Violates your no-no zone without consent, August 3, 2012
This review is from: Total Recall (Two Discs: Blu-ray + UltraViolet Digital Copy) [Blu-ray] (Blu-ray)
The original "Total Recall" still holds up despite being made back in 1990. The special effects are a little awkward at times, but overall it fits the overall tone of the film. It doesn't take itself too seriously, but isn't completely over the top which is perhaps why it still stands up today. Getting your ass to Mars, pulling tracking beacons out of your head through your nose, being hit in the crotch over and over again, and talking to a puppet attached to a guy's stomach only added to its early 90s goodness. So the people behind the remake decided to strip all of that away and throw in a bunch of ridiculous eye candy. It just doesn't feel the same.

"Total Recall" is now based entirely on Earth and we never even go to Mars. The movie makes it a point to bring up visiting Mars as a Rekall option and it only seems to rub salt in the wound. Colin Farrell is now Douglas Quaid/Hauser, Kate Beckinsale is Lori, Jessica Biel is Melina, and Bryan Cranston is Cohaagen. The action movie is so redundant though. Every fight scene seems to feature Kate Beckinsale sliding on her knees and/or running on the wall/ceiling and Colin Farrell taking cover behind something before jumping (usually in slow motion) to another platform.

There was some hope that Bryan Cranston would at least make some part of this worthwhile since he's so extraordinary on "Breaking Bad," but he's only around during the final act and his performance is mostly forgotten thanks to you being mesmerized by his Donald Trump hairstyle. Usually you can appreciate homage in film and be absorbed in the adventure currently being presented to you. With "Total Recall," it's like it's trying so hard to be "Star Trek," then switches gears and jumps to "I, Robot," then "Minority Report," then "Blade Runner," then "The Fifth Element," and the list just keeps piling up. Wearing your influences on your sleeve is one thing, but "Total Recall" seems to have too many ingredients in its watered down recipe.

While the three breasted prostitute does appear with unclothed breasts (yes, all three of them), it isn't enough to save what is otherwise just a mess of a movie. There is so much unnecessary content thrown in just because it looks cool like the glowing neon tattoos or the gravity switching transportation that has a really lame payoff. When Hauser first meets Matthias (Bill Nighy), Nighy is talking like Hugo Weaving did as Agent Smith in "The Matrix" films. It probably doesn't help that he greeted Hauser by saying, "Mister Hauser," and their conversation that followed felt awfully similar to Neo's conversation with The Architect in "The Matrix Reloaded."

There was that "South Park" episode where they say the word "s**t" 162 times in the span of a half hour (episode title "It Hits the Fan"). "Total Recall" rivals that as that word is said so much that it begins to lose its meaning. The original had a countless number of crotch shots and the remake is full of s**t.

The final product is this really big, juicy piece of flashy, streamlined, anticlimactic, tiresome, candy coated garbage that is just boring. It's as if the movie borrows from not only the original "Total Recall," but several beloved sci-fi films and it never really is able to establish its own entity. Every action sequence is nearly identical to the last while the excessive blockbuster is overflowing with unnecessary content. Kate Beckinsale and her donkey faced acting are around for entirely too long and Jessica Biel is utterly useless. "Total Recall" is like shoving streamers and sparklers in a huge pile of crap and trying to pass it off as a party; no matter what you do to it it's still crap.

The Blu-ray for the Mind-Bending Edition of the original "Total Recall" is around $10-$12. Buy that, stay home, and be happy or go to the theater, see this, and shove your parking valet's face through the windshield of someone's brand new car because you're so enraged that nobody even had the desire to "start the reactor."
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Comments

Tracked by 6 customers

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Showing 1-10 of 17 posts in this discussion
Initial post: Aug 3, 2012 4:41:51 PM PDT
H. Schneider says:
You are largely right. H

Posted on Oct 30, 2012 5:08:07 AM PDT
Last edited by the author on Oct 30, 2012 5:13:13 AM PDT
Makistrak says:
Great review Sawin. Fundamentally agree with virtually everything you say although feel you may be being a wee bit harsh in the one star verdict? Would have been tempted to give a more generous two stars myself purely due to the decent fight sequences and special effects. At the end of the day, the film is what it is. Another example of Hollywood jumping on the bandwagon of ill conceived re-makes in the hope of making a quick and easy buck. I'd recommend it if you have a spare rainy Sunday afternoon and have absolutely nothing better to do solely due to the whizz bang special effects. If people are after a quality sci-fi remake, I'd suggest having a look at 'Dredd'.

Posted on Nov 14, 2012 2:54:44 PM PST
Jason says:
damn straight

Posted on Nov 15, 2012 3:15:38 PM PST
Karmick says:
[Customers don't think this post adds to the discussion. Show post anyway. Show all unhelpful posts.]

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 26, 2012 11:47:28 PM PST
Last edited by the author on Nov 27, 2012 12:33:24 PM PST
Boz says:
Karmick, shut up before everyone on Amazon recognizes you for the fool that those at your home realize you to be. This movie was crap. It was anemic, a bunch building left over from Inception that didnt bend they just fell down. Kate Beckinsdale running around wasting time she could be putting into another Underworld movie where she has acting opportunities rather then a thug with a gun you forget is even there.

The Governor is gonna invade the other country. Whoopdee do, and he has updated robots to help him "Roger Roger". And Colin Ferell no better as Quaid then he was as Jerry Danforth the vampire in the Fright Night remake. Now shut up Karmick. Im telling you that because your moms mouth is full at the moment.

In reply to an earlier post on Nov 27, 2012 2:56:14 PM PST
Jason says:
Yeah this movie is really terrible, almost as terrible as the Underworld movies I agree. But you really should learn english grammar a tad better before you post again, and probably shouldn't make a habit of posting insulting garbage like you just did.

Posted on Dec 1, 2012 12:22:42 AM PST
ReviewMaster says:
[Customers don't think this post adds to the discussion. Show post anyway. Show all unhelpful posts.]

In reply to an earlier post on Dec 1, 2012 12:23:24 AM PST
ReviewMaster says:
[Customers don't think this post adds to the discussion. Show post anyway. Show all unhelpful posts.]

Posted on Dec 1, 2012 2:44:40 PM PST
sid viscous says:
it's fun comparing this one with verhoeven's and the original short story. i haven't tried watching the attempted tv show yet, but for some of us its just academic. it will hold over time like the rest of pkd's film adaptations, regardless of you non-fans or not... troll right/house chewbonca1

Posted on Dec 7, 2012 9:44:36 AM PST
Thank you for the informative review. You have described everything I expected of this movie after seeing the over the top previews.
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Review Details

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Reviewer

C. Sawin
(VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

Location: TX

Top Reviewer Ranking: 1,858