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20 of 21 people found the following review helpful:
New Idea of Purity
Emotional Purity - wow, now there's a concept that many teenagers and adults today don't understand. This book thoughtfully examines misconception that Christian purity relates to romantic relationships and only to the physical realm. Heather Paulsen shows through examples and the principles of God's word that purity must be pursued in areas beyond the scope of this...
Published on October 18, 2003 by Nathaniel Sheetz
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
Legalism by another name
If the author were simply trying to say that men and women should watch how much they give of their hearts and emotions in a relationship, that would be fine. I would agree. If a man or woman continue in an undefined relationship after realizing they have feelings for each other, and do not talk it out, there could be problems. However this is not her point; her point is...
Published 16 months ago by David Thatcher
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20 of 21 people found the following review helpful:
New Idea of Purity, October 18, 2003
Emotional Purity - wow, now there's a concept that many teenagers and adults today don't understand. This book thoughtfully examines misconception that Christian purity relates to romantic relationships and only to the physical realm. Heather Paulsen shows through examples and the principles of God's word that purity must be pursued in areas beyond the scope of this faulty idea. This book's overarching message is to "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). Guy-girl relationships (not even restricted to the explicitly romantic ones) can often lead to broken hearts because emotions go too far. Many books (see stuff by Josh Harris) focus on general purity in romantic relationships, but Heather shows that even good friends who aren't romantically involved must also be careful to remain pure. Without realizing it, friends can begin to spend more and more time with each other and become emotionally attached. Then, as Heather shows, the ensuing confusion about the goals of the relationship often leads to damaged hearts and severed friendships. This said, I think it is a shame that this book's message is hindered by generally poor writing. The manuscript is rather clunky and includes occasional grammatical errors. In any other book, this would be cause for a significant deduction in the stars it receives from me, but in this case, the beautiful message that shines through the sometimes obscuring language makes up for it. As I recall the power of this book's message to write this review, I find myself wanting to read it again. All teenagers and adults (even married ones) should allow this book to show them the importance of purity in all relationships. That means with co-workers, classmates, and friends, not just a significant other. Emotions often carry weak-minded and weak-willed humans (that's all of us) into impurity, regardless of marital status. Without careful protection of our hearts, our damaged emotions will be hindered from participating in the relationships for which God designed them - marriage and with Him.
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22 of 24 people found the following review helpful:
SEEK HIM FIRST, September 24, 2001
Okay, now this is one of the most unique and challenging Christian living books that i have ever read. as a Christain i rate books in 3 ways. first is how scripturally based it is. second is how applicable it is. and third is how much it leads one to prayer. this revalation revealed by God to Heather Paulsen qualifies for all three. Guaranteed to change the way you think about current relationships, and how you act around others.
as a friend of mine Claire Angus, who i let borrow this book says, "I would recommend very highly to EVERYONE." I second this saying. if you are a guy or a girl, and want to know about relationships with others, and how to keep the relationship the way God would want it, Read what God says through his instrument, Heather Paulsen.
Seeking Him First,
Campus Crusade for Christ student President at UMass Amherst
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13 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
Graceful author used to bless readers, December 30, 2001
By A Customer
What a gifted author! Just by reading, one can sense her desire to serve the Lord, sweet spirit, and graceful nature. The issues addressed in her book are both relevant and biblically based. This book had an impact on me because I am very easily attatched to male friends, and this book made me realize the problem with it. God has given her great gifts and talents and she is using them for His Glory! Praise be to God!
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12 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
Excellent Book, February 23, 2004
Overall, this is a wonderful book. Paulsen has brought up many wonderful points - for men as well as women. If only men knew how quickly women can get caught up, and how little it takes - perhaps they'd be more respectful!Heather's message is to guard one's heart, keeping it safe and tender for the earthly manifestation of God's love we are waiting for. Having been burned a few times before, I can wholeheartedly say that in the long run, it is indeed better to play it safe and give our hearts and emotions to God to protect. I do find myself compelled to point out that some of the grammatical and typographical errors in the book are distracting and annoying - and they are errors any good editor should have seen and corrected. But this doesn't take away from the overall message of the book. I recommend this book to any dating single, Christian or not. Some of the things Heather talks about are probably not applicable to all (she is over 28 and still lives at home with her parents, which is something I find rather worrisome). My father doesn't sit down with all of my dates or talk to the young men I go out with because I'm an adult and on my own! But still, it is possible to apply most of her message to one's life - women, in particular, should have a respected person to whom they are accountable and someone they trust. I do think she brings up some questions that are then not answered - for instance, she does not recommend talking about one's hopes and dreams for the future. This is fine at first, at least as far as the house, picket fence, and 2.3 kids go, but I would hope that adults eventually discuss these things before making a commitment, lest they find themselves in a very surprising situation! Perhaps she can write a sequel. I'm actually surprised she doesn't have a website - the book and its message are absolutely excellent and worthy of noting.
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
Legalism by another name, May 1, 2009
If the author were simply trying to say that men and women should watch how much they give of their hearts and emotions in a relationship, that would be fine. I would agree. If a man or woman continue in an undefined relationship after realizing they have feelings for each other, and do not talk it out, there could be problems. However this is not her point; her point is that you need to have a verbal commitment that you will either be looking at or not looking at marriage, and if you don't have that verbal commitment, don't hang out. The author assumes that young men and women not only don't have but CAN'T have the self-control to handle a relationship without defining it at the outset. So we see that this, like other legalistic teachings, substitutes teaching self-control through the Spirit with a set of rules and guidelines. This is a point at which the author's teaching is tragic, spiritually.
Another problem with legalistic teaching is, that is takes the responsibility of off the sinner and places it on the sin. For example, if a man sees a barely dressed woman at a bar and picks her up for a night of sin, its not the bar's fault, or the alcohol's fault, or the woman's fault for having hardly any clothes on. It is the man's fault. I am tired of hearing the line that women can defraud men with their dress, which the author uses in chapter four as a parallel to her idea of emotional defrauding. The fact that women should watch how they dress does not mean that the responsibility is not mine as far as lust.
Similarly, it is YOUR fault if you give another too much of your emotions and heart. That's your responsibility to set personal limits, and it doesn't require forbidding close relationships with the opposite gender.
Just because marriage is on the table doesn't mean marriage is in the future, just as those who have never talked about it can't rule it out. The question is one of God's will and when and how we know. Even following the author's teaching the type of heartbreak she is trying to prevent can still happen in a situation where a marriage minded couple breaks up because one of them has decided it wasn't God's will. The author's teaching limits God in how He can bring people together who He would have together, who might otherwise never consider each other for marriage. Consider the situation of a couple who have made a commitment to each other that they are not pursuing marriage. (Similar to one of the author's relationships that she describes in her book.) Then the man one day begins to feel that it is God's will for them to look at marriage. What is he to do?
More profoundly, the author's teaching violates the Scriptural principle of God's word being a lamp to our feet and a light to our path. God does not show us much of the future for very good reasons. He gives us the next step or two and expects us to trust Him and keep Him central in our lives.
Any disappointment we have concerning the outcome of situations stems not from our inability to plan, if we have been doing His will. It comes from our not being close enough to Him, and the solution is to seek God, not set out plans by which we hope to avoid disappointment in the future. In this way the author's prescription is tragic yet again, as it misses a unique opportunity for singles to find their way closer to God.
In any case, it is extremely presumptuous to say you are playing with the heart of another person's spouse when neither of you know what God has planned.
The author's theological justification for her teaching of emotional purity is extremely lacking. She posits that because Christ won't be intimate until a commitment is made (salvation), singles should not be emotionally intimate until there is a commitment. Keep in mind, the commitment the author is speaking of is not marriage, but a commitment to seek marriage.
This idea ends up in a number of absurdities. If intimacy is OK after the commitment to seek marriage, why not have physical intimacy as well as emotional intimacy? After the all, the author strongly equates the two.
Secondly, we have to come to the absurd conclusion that Christ won't be intimate before salvation because He doesn't want to be let down. This is in complete contradiction to the great foundational gospel truth that it is SIN that separates us from God. Christ would gladly be intimate with us were it not for sin, and He does become intimate with us once we become positionally justified at salvation. As for being let down, Christians let Him down all the time. Christ would have to refuse salvation completely if He didn't want to be let down.
In chapter three the author goes so far as to call emotional intimacy she considers inappropriate, "emotional fornication". She uses the analogy of a lollipop to illustrate that just as you would not want to have a lollipop that everyone has licked, so there is a spoiling that comes with being emotionally intimate with those who are not to be your spouse. This raises an important issue- is emotional intimacy intrinsically wrong outside of marriage? Maybe I am emotionally intimate with a relative. Do we then have "emotional incest"? I have a few close male friends with whom I am pretty intimate with about myself. Is this "emotional homosexuality"? So then to equate emotional attachment with fornication is completely false. I am afraid the author is guilty of sensationalizing like this at many places in the book.
In chapter four the author writes about "Defrauding". She uses I Ths 4:3-6 as her text to show that we should not defraud one another through inappropriate emotional intimacy. Having already attempted to tie emotional intimacy with physical intimacy, I assume she expects the readers to excuse the fact that this passage is about sexual sin, not emotions. She uses the NASB here which reads "sexual immorality". The KJV reads "fornication," which is basically the same. The Greek here is "porneia," which is definitely referring to the physical. That the passage is specifically about the body can be seen in v.4- "vessel," referring to the body, although some commentators say this is referring to a man's wife. As a matter of fact, the ESV translates it as "body." Also, cross referencing v.5 with I Cor 5:1 (reputation of the Gentiles) should help make clear the fact that this passage is much more specific to sexual sin than the author would make it out, or like it, to be. The author has no right or basis to use this passage to backup her argument.
In chapter six the author finally admits that you can have a honorable relationship without trying to define it, through self-control and closeness to God, but then chapter seven is titled "Commitment Equals Protection." She would rather the single person choose wringing a commitment out of the opposite gender rather than enjoying natural relationships where expectations are level because we keep God central and take His power.
The rest of the book deals with related topics and adds little extra information to the main idea. As you can see, the idea is not something I feel is helpful to Christian singles. It is the type of error that is overreaction to a valid concern.
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6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
Very applicable to real life!, January 27, 2004
By A Customer
I highly recommend this book to all single young women AND men. In today's society we tend to stress the importance of physical purity while completely missing the fact that it begins with a pure heart. My cousin loaned me a copy of this book while I was recovering from yet another "broken heart". I had never held the guys hand, let alone slept with him; however our hours of studying the Bible together and daydreaming about the future wrapped my emotions completely around him, and when I realized he was not the one for me I still could not let go.
So girls and guys, PAY attention to the wisdom inside this book and watch the little thoughts and dreams that enter your head. Stop them before they grow into mountains in your heart!
Praise God for the faithfulness of Heather in addressing this much needed issue!
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6 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
Emotional Purity by Heather Paulsen, June 16, 2003
This book is full of depth and honesty. With all the untrue information published about relationships, this book tells what happens when emotions run unchecked. This book should be read by every father, every pastor and every youth worker.... to help give boundaries and truth to the youth of today. Miss Paulsen gives lots of insight into just how and why the emotional boundaries should stay in-check until that young person has the permission to engage in the emotional-charged relationship called marriage. This book will help anyone understand why purity should be protected.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
poorly supported book with good ideas, July 10, 2007
This review is from: Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart (Paperback)
This book starts in an appealing way, telling the story of a fictitious couple & their "just friends" relationship. The concept of the need to guard one's heart when it comes to male/female relationships is a good one, but if a reader is looking for a solid, biblical basis for "emotional purity", they will not find it in this book. Also, an entire book was not needed to say, "Guard your heart around the opposite sex, until you meet the one you know you want to marry," and "Don't lead anyone on, if you have no intentions of marrying them." the book is kind of redundant
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7 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
Required reading for all, December 31, 2002
This book should be required reading by all ages. Parents, children, grandparents. What a wonderful work. How much less heart ache, heart breaking and true purity we would have if we followed the Biblical Principals Heather puts forth in her book. Easy reading, you don't want to put it down!
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28 of 40 people found the following review helpful:
Emotionally sealed-- but no one can hurt me!, July 26, 2006
The main point of the book is that there should be emotional boundaries, and not just physical boundaries, in any dating type relationship (she extends this into male-female relationships in general, too). This is all well and good. I like to think about it this way (loosely based on something said in "Boy Meets Girl", by Harris): One should not become attached (to one's significant other) at a level not warranted by the amount of commitment expressed in the relationship.
However, the framework in which she presents her thoughts is based on what is in my mind a faulty premise: The male must always take the initiative in any relationship. The impression I got is that she believes it would be sinful for the female to take any sort of initiative.
For example, she starts off the book with a fictional story. Tracy meets Luke and they become friends. Tracy is unsure as to whether they are just friends or are dating. Twice, she talks to her friend Emma about it. Emma says (paraphrase) "Of course he likes you. You just need to wait for him to bring it up, that's all." Of course, at the end of the story, Luke shows up with his new girlfriend. He hadn't been thinking of their relationship in those terms at all.
Miss Paulsen takes this as a starting point to say, "See? It is important to clearly define boundaries in all your relationships." I, on the other hand, would take this example and say, "Look at what horrible advice Emma was giving. Even if Tracy couldn't manage to bring it up herself, that's what a friend of a friend of a friend is for..."
She supports this idea throughout the book with this line of reasoning:
1. A husband-wife relationship is modeled after the relationship between Christ and the church.
2. Christ was the initiator in his relationship with the church.
3. Therefore, the man should be the initiator in any male-female relationship.
The problem with the above syllogism is what is understood by #1. It is certainly the case that marriage is compared to the relationship between Christ and the church (see Eph. 5). But initiation is never mentioned in any comparison in the Bible. For example, never do we hear, "Husbands (and future husbands) you must be the initiator in any prospective relationship, just like Christ took the initiative in His relationship with the church." To say this is to go beyond what God actually told us; it is using the analogy in ways that it may or may not apply.
I think that she allows this idea to cloud her interpretation of the Bible in more obvious ways, too. On page 154, she quotes half of Proverbs 18:22 ("He who finds a wife finds a good thing") and states that because it says the man does the finding, that means the wife is found, and that it is the man who must do the looking, and not the woman (I suppose that in her view in would be wrong for the woman to do any looking). But read the verse again, in its entirety; it doesn't say anything about looking for anything- it says that if you get married, it's a blessing from God:
"He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord." -- Proverbs 18:22, ESV
It is fine to say "I think that the man should be the initiator"; it is very wrong to say that the Bible says this. It does not.
Not to beat a dead horse, but if her point were true, then how do we explain the book of Ruth? (Hint: Boaz did not take the initiative.)
There is a second line of thinking in the book that I think is almost as bad. I don't quite know what to term it; perhaps you could call it an extreme understanding of the idea of headship. (For example, we are told that as Christ is the head of the Church, so the man is the head of the wife. I'm not sure what exactly that means- I've never heard a good explanation of it. I am, however, quite sure it does not mean this:)
On page 144, she quotes I Cor. 11:3 "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." She says this is evidence that every woman is (or should be) under the authority of a man. So wives are under their husband's authority and daughters are under their father's authority.
I don't know Greek, but Strongs tells me that the Greek word for woman here is "gune" (goo-nay'), and that it means "a woman; specially, a wife:-wife, woman." I take that to mean that it could be wife or woman, depending on the context. Then I looked up the verse in the ESV and found that I'm right- in the ESV the verse is rendered: "But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife [1] is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. [1]: Greek gune. This term may refer to a woman or a wife, according to the context." So even if "head" really does mean "has authority over" (very debatable, I think- does it make any sense to say that God has authority over Christ???), this is certainly not proof that all women should be under the authority of a man.
As further proof of this, on page 152, she enlists "my son, give me your heart" (Prov. 23:26) to mean that her father should "have" her heart- I suppose she means something along the lines of she should be, as she says she is elsewhere in the book, "emotionally unavailable" to any potential suitor. There is one big problem with that: he is talking to his son, not his daughter. But even if we pretend it is "daughter" (or "son and daughter") let's look at the entire verse and see what it says:
"My son, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe [or: delight in] my ways." -- Proverbs 23:26, ESV
I understand this to say, "pay attention to what I'm telling you!" As with many verses in proverbs, the second half of the verse repeats the thought in the first half. This verse has nothing to do with giving your father the "key to your heart" or anything like it.
The logical conclusion of these two ideas is that girls should be living at home, waiting for some guy to find them, at which point they should not act the least bit interested until he has worked things out with her father (in fact, it's best if she doesn't even know that there is an interested party and that he's talking with her father). I'm sure God can do things that way, but still I feel sorry for females that take that route.
Let me repeat that I think her main point of maintaining boundaries in relationships is good (actually it seems like common sense to me). But in my view, relationships are inherently risky- I would even go so far as to say that if you have set your boundaries in a relationship so emotionally distant that you cannot be hurt, then you do not have a meaningful relationship. In trying to avoid the pain of being hurt, I think the author has gone too far. It is trying to sanitize something that will never be entirely sanitary, and trying to define something that will always be mysterious.
"There be three things which are too wonderful for me,
yea, four which I know not:
The way of an eagle in the air;
the way of a serpent upon a rock;
the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and
the way of a man with a maid." -- Proverbs 30:18-19
So I think this book is harmful to the undiscerning reader, and I do not recommend reading it unless you are good at reading things critically.
I apologize for the length of this review, but this book is responsible for a lot of personal anguish. It's been long enough now that I think I am able to review it fairly.
(This review was originally posted on my blog, which, should you wish to read in its unedited form, you can probably find if you are good with Google.)
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