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Kneel Before my Tropical Might
on October 12, 2011
Before Old Spice Fiji body wash, my life was a total waste. Every day I woke up and showered with the same nondescript bar soap that had been a staple of my hygiene for so long, and every day I plodded through the mundane rat race we call "life," expecting no happiness or joy. Then, one seemingly ordinary afternoon, I was shopping for groceries at Wal-Mart when a heavenly fragrance greeted my nostrils. I inhaled deeply, savoring the scent of sun-kissed beaches, luxurious tropical oceans, and just a hint of sweet, exotic pineapple. For a few heavenly moments, I was transported away from the dull and dreary world I had come to loathe, and sent to a place of warm sunshine and delight. Elated, I relished the experience and wondered if perhaps I had died of a sudden brain aneurysm and gone on to a glorious afterlife.
Then, the sensation left me and I realized that I was, in fact, still alive and still in the store. I glanced around frantically, wondering what had produced such a splendid aroma. By following my nose, I was able to discover the source: Old Spice Fiji Body Wash. So it wasn't a dream after all! It wasn't a hallucination! The smell was real, and I was holding it in my own trembling hands!
I bought the body wash right then and there. In fact, I didn't even make any other purchases. I abandoned my shopping cart and practically flew to the self checkout lane. Once I had procured the body wash, I went straight home, undressed, and hopped in the shower.
I cannot adequately describe that shower, my friends. I cannot evoke the smells and the sensations that I experienced as I lathered my tired body in the fragrant, embracing suds. All I can say is that I was transformed.
I stepped out of the shower minutes (or was it years?) later, then dressed myself and brushed my teeth. I had a meeting that evening, and I wanted to look sharp. All through the apartment floated the luscious Fiji scent--my meager little home had metamorphosed into a tropical island resort.
When I arrived at the office meeting room, looking good and smelling even better, all my co-workers literally stopped what they were doing, closed their eyes, and inhaled deeply.
"Oh my god," Debra from Accounting whispered, biting her lip. "That smells divine."
Robert from Marketing ran a hand through his hair as he enjoyed the cloud of almost-mind-altering aroma that surrounded me like an aura. "That's amazing," he said softly. He loosened his tie and laughed. "That is absolutely amazing."
Akira, the Assistant Manager, closed his laptop abruptly, then pushed a stack of papers to the floor where they fell with a soft shushing sound. "Close the door," he commanded, his voice firm. "We're not going to discuss synergy today."
Dumbstruck--and still reveling in the scent--the employees stared at him.
"Clearly," Akira continued, "a God is in our midst. A God of warm sunlight. A God of cool breezes. A God of freedom and luxury...a God of PARADISE." He gestured to me and smiled. Then, in one fluid motion, he pushed his rolling chair into the wall and got down on the floor to kneel. "Bless us with your splendid bounty, O Delicious One," he intoned.
Within seconds, Debra, Robert, and everyone else had followed suit. Rolling chairs ricocheted off the walls and desks scraped across the tiles as my co-workers scurried to bow before me. Soon, everyone began chanting in unison. The lights flickered, and a mysterious--though aromatic--breeze began to swirl throughout the office.
Akira was right. I WAS--and still am--the God of Paradise. How did this happen, you ask, bewildered? Well, I'll tell you how it happened. I purchased Old Spice Fiji Body Wash. And now, thanks to Amazon, I can buy this marvelous product without even leaving the comfort of my island resort.