Greetings, VGF... my name is Private Detective Wolf H. Flywheel, M.D.
First off, I must apologize for the name misspelling of the person in question: the correct spelling is "DoC Hackenbush". I freely admit that such a wonderfully exotic name does take some getting used to on my part, so please excuse the error.
Now on to the purpose of this post.
Yesterday, while perusing the "Maintaining Amazon customer communities" thread, it came to my attention through various VGF members that that a fellow VGF resident by the name of DoC Hackenbush has been missing for several days now. As a private detective M.D., I felt a certain obligation to take it upon myself to locate the missing gentleman, but it was all to no avail, as so far he is nowhere to be found.
I queried several members as to his disappearance; some were very helpful, but ultimately, nothing concrete turned up. One clearly homophobic VGF resident by the name of "thatpoorguy" denied any knowledge of his whereabouts, yet he also denied being homophobic despite all evidence pointing to the contrary ("thatpoorguy says: now my girlfriend is also on this forum so she can vouche for my sexuality"); this fact, coupled with the knowledge of his Texan ancestry, clearly underscores the notion that "thatpoorguy" is simply not to be trusted.
Another VGF resident, KellyO, proved to be no more helpful, as my investigations of her claims of a romantic relationship with the DoC proved to be not only patently false, but pathologically delusional.
Useless, too, were KellyO's claims of DoC being a closeted PS3 fangirl. At first, I thought there might be something to this, namely suicide: after all, Sony fanboys are quite renowned for their foolish behavior, poor impulse control and bad decision-making, and it is all too easy to imagine this shameful secret being simply too much for one person to carry... even the DoC. Thus, suicide was a distinct possibility, and would capably explain his disappearance. However, post after post revealed that not only was DoC one of the fiercest opponents of PS3 fangirls, but also happened to be an avid proponent of converted PS3 grills... making the DoC hardly PS3 fangirl material.
As of today, I still have no good leads as to the whereabouts of the DoC. In fact, this case is proving to be far more difficult than I ever expected, and as a result, I am resorting to this post, and asking for any help in cracking the case.
If anyone has any tips regarding the disappearance of DoC Hackenbush (aka "Da' New & Improved DoC Hackenbush", aka "Da' Sherrif King DoC Hackenbush", aka "Da' President Mayor DoC Hackenbush"), please feel free to post any relevant information on these forums. I check here quite frequently, and will get back to you as soon as is possible.
When leaving your helpful post, please be sure to include the following:
1). your name
2). your e-mail address
3). home address
4). daily hours spent at work/away from home
5). personal identification information (e.g., drivers license info, birth certificate, Social Security number)
6). a valid credit card, including the three-digit security code on back
7). home security information (e.g., security codes, number of guard dogs)
8). location of emergency spare keys
9). all pertinent telephone numbers
10). in-home location of alcoholic beverages
11). number of women who reside at your residence that are between the ages of 18-40.
Of course, all information will be kept private and confidential.
Any and all help is appreciated.
I will return soon with another update.
Thank you and good day.
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