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Affair-Proof Your Marriage : Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair Paperback – May 19, 1998
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Top Customer Reviews
Marriage takes relationships out of the realm of consumer services--"I'll stay with you as long as the product meets my liking"--and puts them into the realm of moral commitment. For all her good intentions, Staheli puts marriage back into the realm of consumer services.
I guess therapists just don't understand ethics--everything has to be self-interest. You affair-proof your marriage by making yourself essential to your spouse's self-interest, basically. Good luck, I guess--but what's the point?
The point of marriage, I thought, was that your partner would stick by you in good times and bad--not just when you're boosting their self-esteem.
Speaking of which, Staheli seems not to know the massive, conclusive research literature showing that, in fact, self-esteem does NOT correlate with behavior. So keep on boosting your partner's self-esteem, if you want--and I think that's a good thing to do, just because it's nicer--but don't think that will cause any particular behavior.
This book contains some good tips on relationships, but it betrays little understanding either of the ethics--and whole point--of marriage, or of current research.
The notion that you can "affair proof" your mariage is just superstition, and this book provides nice superstitious procedures that let you believe you can protect yourself--that is, things you can do to create an illusion of control, which nonetheless actually give you none. Whether your spouse chooses infidelity as a way of making him or herself feel good is simply beyond your control.
What makes marriage an ethical commitment?Read more ›
The problem, however, is that we’re talking about adults here. It’s appropriate for an infant to expect their parent to anticipate their wants because they’re helpless to communicate them. An adult, however, is capable of communicating their wants and, therefore, the burden of voicing them is on the adult.
The other problem is that simply granting wishes to prevent cheating ignores why cheating really happens. It’s not because of unmet needs. One man even admitted, "I like being with two lovers. My wife is great in and out of bed, but I like variety."
The author also admits it’s not because they get swept away, not even women. She says when women cheat, it’s premeditated. They have plenty of time to affair-proof themselves, but choose not to because of their values.
Cheating really happens because of poor values originating from a poorly developed conscience -- both of which the cheaters in this book had.
For example, one man said about his affair, "I feel good about the affair from beginning to end." Another woman said, "Our affair has been good for my self-esteem. I feel better about myself than any other time in my life."
A person with a healthy conscience, however, would never view an affair like a much needed spa vacation. Instead, they'd feel terrible having duped someone they love. So, if someone has a weak conscious, you don’t control that.
The author, however, wants you to believe someone else’s values and conscience are under your control.Read more ›
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Easy read. Good thoughts. Great recommendations. You can go wrong with common sense reading on a topic that intrigues many.Published 9 months ago by Jessica Alvarez
This book is a must have for all couples.
Practical advice and a thought provoking read.
Great job Lana! Read more
It is almost inevitable that there will come a time when an affair touches each of our lives. It may happen to you, to your spouse, to a close friend, or to a family member. Read morePublished on July 14, 1999