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Affair-Proof Your Marriage : Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair Paperback – May 19, 1998

4.1 out of 5 stars 8 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

This book, originally published as Triangles, asserts that infidelity happens in a full 60 percent of all marriages. Rich with statistics and case studies, it attempts to help readers save their marriages by describing the consequences of other people's affairs. According to Seattle counselor Lana Staheli, most of those who get divorced because of an affair later wish they hadn't--even if they go on to marry the person they were fooling around with. "Rarely do affairs last forever and seldom do they become happy marriages," she writes. "So, sooner or later, regret and pain set in." On the other hand, most of those who confronted the adulterous relationship and resolved to overcome it were able to develop an even stronger marriage within a few years. Of course, the best way to avoid dealing with an affair is to keep it from occurring in the first place--something Staheli believes can be accomplished if each partner provides the other not only with love and sex but also with the sense of self-esteem that comes from supporting them and appreciating them for who they are.

About the Author

Lana Staheli, Ph.D., has been a certified counselor for more than two decades and has helped more than 1,000 individuals and 500 couples. She lives in Seattle, Washington.
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 276 pages
  • Publisher: Harper Perennial (May 19, 1998)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0060929189
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060929183
  • Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,380,999 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

By A Customer on April 4, 2002
Format: Paperback
What's the difference between marriage and living together? Well, let's see: ". . . for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, so long as we both shall live."
Marriage takes relationships out of the realm of consumer services--"I'll stay with you as long as the product meets my liking"--and puts them into the realm of moral commitment. For all her good intentions, Staheli puts marriage back into the realm of consumer services.
I guess therapists just don't understand ethics--everything has to be self-interest. You affair-proof your marriage by making yourself essential to your spouse's self-interest, basically. Good luck, I guess--but what's the point?
The point of marriage, I thought, was that your partner would stick by you in good times and bad--not just when you're boosting their self-esteem.
Speaking of which, Staheli seems not to know the massive, conclusive research literature showing that, in fact, self-esteem does NOT correlate with behavior. So keep on boosting your partner's self-esteem, if you want--and I think that's a good thing to do, just because it's nicer--but don't think that will cause any particular behavior.
This book contains some good tips on relationships, but it betrays little understanding either of the ethics--and whole point--of marriage, or of current research.
The notion that you can "affair proof" your mariage is just superstition, and this book provides nice superstitious procedures that let you believe you can protect yourself--that is, things you can do to create an illusion of control, which nonetheless actually give you none. Whether your spouse chooses infidelity as a way of making him or herself feel good is simply beyond your control.
What makes marriage an ethical commitment?
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Format: Paperback
Dr. Staheli has written an excellent fact filled book that explains, in easily understandable terms, why we have affairs and actually offers practicle advice on how to affair-proof your marriage. I advise everyone thinking of divorcing a roving spouse to read this book before starting the legal proceedings. It just might save your marriage, and the least it will do is remove the "why me" syndrome. Part 5 alone would make this book a great gift for the newlyweds among your family and friends. I'm sending one to my best friend today.
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Format: Paperback
Having my husband confess to having an affair was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. Reading this book helped me change my negative thought patterns into positive ones. The book was easy to read, with examples that made me understand that my marriage was one of many to be impacted by an affair. It also articulated the reasons why people have affairs which was something my husband was not able to explain to me. The last part of the book is an excellent tool that helped us open the lines of communication so we could move forward from the hurt we both felt. I am confident my marriage will be a stronger "affair-proof" relationship from now on.
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Affair-proofing is the belief that affairs can be prevented by anticipating and granting your partner’s wishes. If all wants are met, then they won’t seek another to meet them.

The problem, however, is that we’re talking about adults here. It’s appropriate for an infant to expect their parent to anticipate their wants because they’re helpless to communicate them. An adult, however, is capable of communicating their wants and, therefore, the burden of voicing them is on the adult.

The other problem is that simply granting wishes to prevent cheating ignores why cheating really happens. It’s not because of unmet needs. One man even admitted, "I like being with two lovers. My wife is great in and out of bed, but I like variety."

The author also admits it’s not because they get swept away, not even women. She says when women cheat, it’s premeditated. They have plenty of time to affair-proof themselves, but choose not to because of their values.

Cheating really happens because of poor values originating from a poorly developed conscience -- both of which the cheaters in this book had.

For example, one man said about his affair, "I feel good about the affair from beginning to end." Another woman said, "Our affair has been good for my self-esteem. I feel better about myself than any other time in my life."

A person with a healthy conscience, however, would never view an affair like a much needed spa vacation. Instead, they'd feel terrible having duped someone they love. So, if someone has a weak conscious, you don’t control that.

The author, however, wants you to believe someone else’s values and conscience are under your control.
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