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Alone in the Trenches: My Life as a Gay Man in the NFL (LGBTQ+ Sports Memoir) Paperback – Illustrated, June 1, 2007

by Esera Tuaolo (Author), John Rosengren (Author)
4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 49 ratings
See all formats and editions
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This is Esera Tuaolo's own searing story of terror and hope. A Samoan raised on a Hawaiian banana plantation, he had a natural talent, football. He went on to play for five NFL teams: the Green Bay Packers, the Minnesota Vikings, the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Carolina Panthers, and the Atlanta Falcons in the 1999 Super Bowl. But for the nine years he played professional football he lived in terror that when his face flashed upon the TV screen, someone would divulge his darkest secret. Esera Tuaolo is gay.


Alone in the Trenches takes you inside the homophobic world of professional football and describes fears that almost drove him to suicide. He evokes heartbreak--how his older brother, Tua, died of AIDS--and hope when, Esera, a deeply devout Christian fell in love and started a family.


"Tuaolo emerges in these pages as a complex, intellectually curious and fascinating individual defined neither by his choice of career nor by his sexual orientation." --Booklist


"Tough, tender and brutally honest." --Robert Lipsyte, former New York Times sports columnist


"Even I was not prepared for his amazing life story." --Billy Bean, author of Going the Other Way

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  1. Print length
    296 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Sourcebooks
  4. Publication date
    June 1, 2007
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.74 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1402209231
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1402209239
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

?It's rough down in the trenches, where linemen weighing more than three hundred pounds hurl themselves at one another in brutal hand-to-hand combat, but it is nothing compared to the pain I kept buried inside so I could play out my dream-not only surviving professional football, but living openly for who I am. A gay man.?
-Esera Tuaolo
Praise for Alone in the Trenches:
?Even I was not prepared for his amazing life story. He spares no one when recounting the difficulties of his childhood, sexual abuse and being a gay man in the NFL.?
-Billy Bean, author of Going the Other Way: Lessons from a Life in and out of Major League Baseball
?I was truly moved to read Esera's story told in his own words. While the rest of us
were living out our dreams of playing in the NFL, Esera was fighting this internal battle
every day of his life in solitude.?
-Don Davey, former NFL player with the Green Bay Packers and the Jacksonville Jaguars
?Honesty is always the best policy and Esera is exceptionally honest and revealing in his struggle with his sexual identity. His sincerity is clearly evident and his words
will continue to be a great help to so many others.?
-David Kopay, former NFL player and author of The David Kopay Story
?His story is both painful and hopeful, as Tuaolo emerges in these pages as a complex,
intellectually curious and fascinating individual defined neither by his choice of career
nor by his sexual orientation.?
-Booklist
?Tough, tender and brutally honest, this spiritual yet muscular read is only for people interested in football, love, manhood and the human condition.?
-Robert Lipsyte, former New York Times sportscolumnist
?[An] absorbing, first-person account ... Pages filled with the kind of football lore
that only an NFL insider could know are punctuated with Tuaolo's painful dread
of discovery ... His book communicates a warmth and openness that will appeal
to both football fans and the gay community.?
-Publishers Weekly

About the Author

Esera Tuaolo lives with his partner and their two adopted children in Eden Prairie, Minnesota. He travels the country giving talks about intolerance and is putting together a one-man show of his life, which he hopes to bring to Broadway. John Rosengren is an award-winning writer whose work has appeared in more than 75 publications ranging from Reader's Digest to Sports Illustrated. He is the author of Blades of Glory.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Sourcebooks; Illustrated edition (June 1, 2007)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 296 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1402209231
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1402209239
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.5 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.74 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 49 ratings

About the authors

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  1. John Rosengren

    John Rosengren

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    I am a Pulitzer Prize nominee and winner of the Donald Robinson Award for Investigative Journalism along with about 20 other awards. I have published nine books and hundreds of magazine articles in publications such as The Atlantic, The New Yorker, Reader's Digest, Sports Illustrated, and The Washington Post Magazine.

    My work has been anthologized alongside that of Maya Angelou, Marlon James, Bill Moyers, George Saunders, and Meg Wolitzer.

    The movie and TV rights for one of my books, "BLADES OF GLORY: The True Story of a Young Team Bred to Win," have been optioned three times by different Hollywood production companies, including Milo Ventimiglia's.

    I once interviewed a woman shot by hijackers and left for dead on the tarmac.

    I raced my bike against Greg LeMond in South Africa (and beat him). I played a tennis match against the world’s top-ranked wheelchair tennis player (and lost). I channeled a 330-pound, Samoan, retired NFL nose tackle who is gay (Esera Tuaolo, for his memoir). I played softball on snowshoes in the summertime (wood chips spread across the infield). I rapped a base hit off former Twins pitcher Rick Aguilera.

    I listened to a nurse tell me the story of prying a shotgun shell out of Ernest Hemingway’s hand when he was intent upon killing himself. I profiled a woman who is a Roman Catholic priest. I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with LGBTQ Native Americans. I interviewed a mortician in the room where she embalmed my father. I interviewed a 15-year-old boy in his hospital room after he tried to stop a school shooter.

    All in a few days' work, stretching back to 1981, when I began freelancing as a senior in high school, same time I got clean and sober. I was an English major at Saint John's University, mentored by J. F. Powers. I earned my master's in creative writing at Boston University, where I studied with Derek Walcott and Saul Bellow.

    Along the way, I have lived in Boise, Boston, Florence, London, Paris, and St. Paul. Today I'm at home in my native Minneapolis with my wife Maria, our two children, and a golden retriever named Maya.

    See more on the author's page
  2. Esera Tuaolo

    Esera Tuaolo

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read author blogs and more

    See more on the author's page
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Customer reviews

4.2 out of 5 stars
4.2 out of 5
We don’t use a simple average to calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star. Our system gives more weight to certain factors—including how recent the review is and if the reviewer bought it on Amazon. Learn more
49 global ratings
Warning: This book is for mature audiences only.
3 Stars
Warning: This book is for mature audiences only.
Let me begin this review by saying that this book was tough to read. The nine-year death sentence (read the book and you'll understand what I mean) that Esera Tuaolo had to endure playing in the NFL as a closeted gay man. The story about his being molested as a child by his own uncle. Man, oh man.Many times while I was reading this book I couldn't wait until I got to page 281 (the last page of the book), because it was like his life never got better even when he came out on HBO's Real Sports back in 2002 (again, read near the end of the book and you'll see what I mean).At the end of the day this book was made to educate the public on what it feels like to be a closeted gay football player in college and in the NFL.This book needed to be written not only for Tuaolo's therapeutic purposes, but to further educate the public on what it feels like to be apart of the LGBT culture.
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Top reviews from the United States

Robert Herschede
5.0 out of 5 stars Alone in the Trenches: A Must Read
Reviewed in the United States on May 25, 2008
Verified Purchase
Alone in the Trenches is a powerful story about Esera's struggles to be true to himself while also conforming to societal expectations for NFL players.

I can relate to Esera's experiences on a personal level, as I'm sure many will be able to, but what really pushes this book over the top is the blatant honesty and courage of Esera in publishing this material. By sharing his soul, Esera truly becomes a role model for all people.

The book is well-written and a very enjoyable read. Once I began, I could hardly put the book down. The praises of Alone in the Trenches cannot be sung enough. Everyone needs to read this book.
One person found this helpful
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James Beasley
5.0 out of 5 stars Good book and good man!
Reviewed in the United States on October 5, 2009
Verified Purchase
The book was better than I imagined it would be. Esera is a good man with a good heart. His honesty comes through loud and clear. He explains how he navigated the world of sports and how he finally learned how to be a gay man in a relationship. He was lucky in that he found the right guy who loved him unconditionally. Really enjoyed this book.
One person found this helpful
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Matthew Robinson
3.0 out of 5 stars Warning: This book is for mature audiences only.
Reviewed in the United States on March 4, 2019
Verified Purchase
Let me begin this review by saying that this book was tough to read. The nine-year death sentence (read the book and you'll understand what I mean) that Esera Tuaolo had to endure playing in the NFL as a closeted gay man. The story about his being molested as a child by his own uncle. Man, oh man.

Many times while I was reading this book I couldn't wait until I got to page 281 (the last page of the book), because it was like his life never got better even when he came out on HBO's Real Sports back in 2002 (again, read near the end of the book and you'll see what I mean).

At the end of the day this book was made to educate the public on what it feels like to be a closeted gay football player in college and in the NFL.

This book needed to be written not only for Tuaolo's therapeutic purposes, but to further educate the public on what it feels like to be apart of the LGBT culture.
Customer image
Matthew Robinson
3.0 out of 5 stars Warning: This book is for mature audiences only.
Reviewed in the United States on March 4, 2019
Let me begin this review by saying that this book was tough to read. The nine-year death sentence (read the book and you'll understand what I mean) that Esera Tuaolo had to endure playing in the NFL as a closeted gay man. The story about his being molested as a child by his own uncle. Man, oh man.

Many times while I was reading this book I couldn't wait until I got to page 281 (the last page of the book), because it was like his life never got better even when he came out on HBO's Real Sports back in 2002 (again, read near the end of the book and you'll see what I mean).

At the end of the day this book was made to educate the public on what it feels like to be a closeted gay football player in college and in the NFL.

This book needed to be written not only for Tuaolo's therapeutic purposes, but to further educate the public on what it feels like to be apart of the LGBT culture.
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3 people found this helpful
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Cheryl L. Haugen
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book!
Reviewed in the United States on April 19, 2018
Verified Purchase
I loved reading this book. There was so many feelings expressed perfectly. The strength it
took to live the life that was true was amazing. I respected Esera before I knew his story, now I ADORE him!
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kenneth dakin
4.0 out of 5 stars A book worth reading
Reviewed in the United States on June 22, 2014
Verified Purchase
I enjoyed reading the daily struggles of a gay man living in a profession that appears to be homophobic, the NFL. His writing gave me an insight into the emotional trauma that someone can go through; and how difficult it is to live a normal life that would be understood and accepted by others. His depiction of the panic he felt at various times in possibly being found out certainly came through in his writing, and this invoked a sense of compassion for him. I don't think the book flowed as well as I thought it might have, but it held my interest and wanted me to read more. I appreciate his courage to be exposed as he has and the courage to live his life as he chooses and not according to other people's definitions. I was happy for him that he has found, and still finding, his way in who he is and in his life.
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tina
5.0 out of 5 stars super book on the life and times of a closeted ...
Reviewed in the United States on October 27, 2014
Verified Purchase
super book on the life and times of a closeted gay football player. esera paved the way for michael sam and future men. thanks!!!
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Cpratt
5.0 out of 5 stars Off the charts! Must read!
Reviewed in the United States on February 2, 2013
Verified Purchase
Incredible book and story...Great read for everyone looking to become a better person and love our brothers and sisters! Major courage by Esera to share his story and life!
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RA
3.0 out of 5 stars Disappointment
Reviewed in the United States on July 17, 2013
Verified Purchase
The book was good in that I can understand his concerns about being in the spotlight. But I had to wait until the final few pages to get to the "happy ending". Guess I was expecting more & shouldn't have but since I'm not interested in football I just thought it would have more of a story to it. I respect the guy for his bravery & his respect for his family & friends. He sounds like a person you would want as a friend.
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Top reviews from other countries

Bulky_jp
5.0 out of 5 stars A life of strong, and naive man.
Reviewed in Japan on May 10, 2021
Verified Purchase
Before I started to read this book, I wasn't expected that much but after start reading, I couldn't stop reading.

This book is full of his emotions, struggles, and love.
Maybe because he is a Polynesian, but also due to his great family,
I could read the huge waves of emotions inside him, better of worse, and he overcame those tough waves eventually.

This was a wonderful experience to touch his great life, and that encouraged me and gave strength through his convincing words.

I will keep this book in my shelf and enjoy someday again.
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