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Alphabet of Manliness Paperback – October 1, 2011

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Lumberjacks, pirates, and Chuck Norris all agree that there is but one arbiter of manliness, and he has but one name: Maddox. The longtime proprietor of the absurdly popular website, The Best Page in the Universe, Maddox has thoughtfully collected his vast masculine wisdom for the first time in a useful reference work, The Alphabet of Manliness. Since men of course communicate with others only under duress, this book may be the sole resource for those starved for answers about basic manly subjects such as urinal etiquette, road rage, and beef jerky.

We thought that Neil Strauss, who chronicled his own transformation from "half a man" to a "Master Pickup Artist" in the one-of-a-kind bestseller, The Game, might be the perfect expert to assess Maddox's guide, and indeed, he came through with the sharpest take we've yet seen on the book, which you can read below.

Guest Reviewer: Neil Strauss

Over the past decade, Neil Strauss, former pop music critic for The New York Times, has established himself as the go-to guy for diarists of decadence, collaborating with rockers Marilyn Manson, Mötley Crüe (on the instant trash classic, The Dirt), and Dave Navarro, as well as porn star Jenna Jameson, on a series of witty and frank tales of celebrity excess. And then he stepped out on his own with one of our top-selling books of 2005, The Game, his bizarre, hilarious, and surprisingly uplifting memoir of joining a secret society of "Master Pickup Artists." Keep your eye out: he has many more smart and shocking projects on the way.

I am fully convinced after reading the entire A-Z of The Alphabet of Manliness that the author of its 26 essays, Maddox, is a nerd. And not just because he correctly alphabetizes the entries, but because he can recite the names of every Castlevania game, talks about hacking and IP addresses and various mathematical theorems, and has just spent way too much time analyzing in minute detail every aspect of the penis, its functions, and its influence on the male brain. However, Maddox's lack of bulging biceps may actually be a positive thing. Because having him become the symbol and policy-maker of all things alpha male just may be one of the most subversive byproducts of the Internet since file-sharing.

If you are new to the world of Maddox and unfamiliar with his website www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com, here's how you will react to the book: When you read the dedication--"to the love of my life, my soul mate, and the greatest person in the world: me"--you will think for a moment that you have encountered one of the most unlikable narcissists in the world. When he calls a woman a "bitch" on page 2, you may actually begin to hate him. But if you stick with it, by the time you get to the middle of the book and are fully immersed in his over-active, over-systematic, testosterone-addled imagination, you will begin to realize that Maddox just may be the Andy Kaufman of his time, in possession of the driest wit you've ever encountered. The middle of the book also happens to be the home of Maddox's finest essays. In his contribution to the geek canon of Chuck Norris worship, he spuriously notes that Norris uses hippies as firewood, intercepts letters to Santa Claus to use as toilet paper, and eats "bread, cheese, some tomato paste and a handful of basil, which sounds like pizza, but it's not because Chuck Norris doesn't want to give the Italians the credit."

In general, there are two types of humor in this book: things that are funny because they're wrong ("a pirate's semen is indestructible") and things that are funny because they're right (his entire essay on urinal etiquette).

By the time you get to his views on the quickie, in which he describes a sexual encounter with his girlfriend that involves her never showing up and him passing out drunk and getting robbed, you may be bookmarking his website. And by the time you turn to the last page, you'll be flipping back to the first, reading it again and looking for the jokes you missed because you were too busy being shocked, offended, and slightly titillated. In short, The Alphabet of Manliness just may be one of the smartest paeans to stupidity ever written. --Neil Strauss

What's more manly than crushing a can against your eye, Maddox-style? Mastered that advanced skill? Move on to Maddox's short quiz below, prepared exclusively for Amazon.com, and find out whether you might be one of the new breed of men, the "hetrosexual."

Straight Is the New Gay

by Maddox

In a world where metrosexuals--stylish, well-groomed, and sharply dressed men--have taken the center stage in defining the new masculinity, small pockets of men are starting to emerge, rebelling against the status quo. This new breed of man has rejected a lifestyle of wine tasting, pedicures, and excessive cultural awareness (i.e., any cultural awareness). This newly born response to metrosexuality is gaining momentum like never before, calling back to a day when men proudly wore plaid, ate liver and onions, and smelled like motor oil by choice. This modern man has come to be known simply as: the hetrosexual.

Hetrosexual men aren't afraid embrace their masculinity. They eat, drink, and sleep like real men: fully engorged. There's no such thing as a "fashion faux-pas" in the world of hetrosexuality. In fact, even the use of the phrase "faux-pas" draws the ire of the hetrosexual man in the form of beatings and social isolation (preferably both). These are men who refuse to be pigeonholed into the constraints of sexual ambiguity, and gladly welcome every opportunity to crotch-wrestle a hot babe. Hetrosexuals are making it cool to be straight again; straight is the new gay.

Think you might be a hetrosexual? Take the following quiz to find out:

1. How much should you tip a hairstylist?
A) 10%
B) 15%
C) 20%
If you answered, you're wrong. Hetrosexuals don't go to hair stylists.

2. Cologne?
A) Yes
B) No
The correct answer is B) No. Acceptable fragrances for men are: sweat, grease, rum, or some combination thereof.

3. Which language do you speak?
A) French
B) English
C) Both
D) Neither
The answer is B) English. French is the language of love, and men don't love anything. At best, there are varying degrees of "like," and even then, men don't like anything that much.

4. When dining at restaurant, you should
A) Push aside your friends and wrestle over the best seat
B) Wait until the maitre d' seats you
C) What's a maitre d'?
The correct answer is A and C. A, because if you don't secure the best spot at the table, you may find yourself in the position of having to engage in small talk with your guest. And C, because of the answer to question 3 above.

If you answered all of the questions correctly, congratulations: you are the winner. The important thing to keep in mind is that you are a man (unless you are not), and nobody can take that away from you.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

About the Author

MADDOX is a native Utahn and the visionary author of The Best Page in the Universe. Once a lowly programmer for a telemarketing company, he now stands as a specimen of sheer masculinity and chiseled good looks. When he’s not found writing his own biographies in third person, he can be found writing articles for his website at: www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 242 pages
  • Publisher: Citadel; Extended ed. edition (October 1, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0806535229
  • ISBN-13: 978-0806535227
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (362 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #318,056 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
I have to be honest, here. I've read Maddox's website for years, and have long respected him for not giving in to the temptation to make money from his site with pop-ups, banners, etc. My sole purpose for having purchased this book was to support him financially for the years of entertainment he has provided millions for free.

Then the book arrived... While still in the box from Amazon, the woman that delivered it grew a full beard and back hair just in the time it took her to carry it to my doorstep. By the time I got to page three, my testicles had stretch marks. At this point, I was afraid, and would have put the book down except that I knew doing so would have instantly reduced me to a sniveling girly-boy. By the time I finished the book, I had grown 8 inches, and not taller.

I was once a computer programmer that spent my days in a cubicle. After reading the book, I walked into my place of work (I didn't even use the door, just walked through the brick wall) and smashed many faces and headbutted many a uterus, and am now the CEO of the company. I don't even work anymore. I just told them I was CEO, and nobody had enough testosterone to say otherwise.

This book will change your life. Merely looking at the book in person will cause hair growth in places you didn't know hair could grow. Actually opening it will saturate you with testosterone. It is not recommended that you allow your wife near the book, as the book itself will have its way with her.

This is my third copy I'm buying today. Every man in my family must have a copy, or I can no longer call them a man.

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Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
Remember the old Mortal Kombat games, where one could perfectly maul one's opponent and receive a "Flawless Victory"? That is how I envision Maddox standing over the smoking ruin that is the NY Times Bestseller list, laid waste by the ultimate precision that is his Alphabet of Manliness.

Maddox himself is well-known as an Internet legend, latter-day pirate, and scourge of poseurs. However, absolutely no familiarity with his online work or workings is required to appreciate the glory of this novel (although if you haven't seen his website, you should start there to build up the soul callouses needed to survive this book in the likely event that you are not nearly man - or woman - enough to handle it). This book stands in its own right as simultaneously parody, truth, and a ringing indictment of all things pathetic, tame, and child-proofed in our modern world. Indeed, I can only assume Maddox and his team of lumberjacks personally went out and killed the very trees whose flesh makes up this book.

As with all types of perfection, singing this book's praises is much easier than imagining what it is missing. I cannot think of a single thing. Everything from precise instructions on the proper drop-kick to the ring on Chuck Norris' finger to a depiction of beef jerky using a chaingun on vegetables is here for your consumption. What more could you want? Or, more importantly, what more could you possibly deserve? Nothing.

Buy the book. Roar in hilarity at its uncensored mayhem. At least if you don't like it, it'll give you something to do on your one-way flight back to France.
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Format: Hardcover
It was so manly, it made my balls drop...

and I'm a girl.
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Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
As soon as I learned the book was coming, I knew I had to buy it. I was expecting the same comedic genius no-holds-barred inflammatory, caustic, and mordantly cynical observations that he is infamous for on his "Best page in the universe" site. I was not disappointed. Just the cover alone, with the Tarzan-like he-man punching a gorilla in the face is absurdly hilarious enough to crack me up. That cover is brilliant!, and that folks,...is uber-macho! I'd love a wall poster of the cover.

By the time I got to the letter "C" the book had already paid for itself. I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. I have read every kind of humor novel and magazine I could get a hold of. This book is not the gentle Barry-esque humor, nor Buchwald, nor anyone else. It is 100% Maddox. Be prepared for the ultimate crotch-bomb collection of in-your-face manly-man balls of steel parody. This is one of the most flat-out hilarious books in the history of the written word. If you are easily offended, or too dense to see what he has done here and get mad about it, you need to get a thicker skin. Don't bother getting your panties in a bunch by reading this book, it's far too masculine for you. I recommend that you stick with the gentle musings of Dave Berry or Erma Bombeck.

To make a small distinction, I viewed Maddox as more a literary Viking than a pirate. Pirates steal and plunder. Vikings discover and conquer. There is nothing stolen about this book. It's a trailblazer, and I hope to see more books from Maddox. I am waiting for the day that he branches out into other media. This is just the beginning of his meteoric rise to fame and yes, fortune. At risk of inflating his apparently frail self-esteem (ummm...right!) I'd say that he is a genius, and that this is the best humor in the universe.
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