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(Jul 13, 2006)
In "Ape Canyon" a lone Bigfoot (North America's Greatest Lover) roams the forests of the Pacific Northwest. He brings his gift of Red Hot Sasquatch Love to nature-loving ladies everywhere, whether they're hugging trees or simply camping and hiking. Bored waitress Darcy (Clover Lutter) had one unforgettable encounter and now she wants more. Night and day, she combs the woods for Bigfoot, calling to him, reciting love poems, and yearning for the wild, hairy touch of the beast who can satisfy her better than any man. Darcy's jealous husband Bill (Chris Henry) is also hot on the trail of Sasquatch, but he's coming with guns blazing. Time is running out for Bigfoot. Will Darcy win his heart before it's too late - or will the consequences of his untamed libido bring his wild ways to an explosive end? Reviews- "The finest Bigfoot rape-revenge flick ever made by people with WAY too much time on their hands. "I loved it, of course." --Joe Bob Briggs "Ape Canyon is guaranteed to be the funniest Bigfoot-rape comedy you'll see this year. The fact that it is likely the only Bigfoot-rape comedy ever made shouldn't dampen your enthusiasm. I hardly ever laugh out loud at movies, even when I find them funny, but Ape Canyon had me guffawing-literally, I was sitting around guffawing-even after repeated screenings. Although filmed with a hand-held camera on almost no budget, it features some of the best ensemble comedy acting I've ever seen. Within the first few seconds, the film's infectious silliness overwhelmed me with the force of a sexual assault by Sasquatch." --Jim Goad, author of "The Redneck Manifesto"
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Roughly what was the budget? Roughly zero. There is no control over lighting, no interesting camera work, and zero talent. No attempt whatsoever was made to hide the fact that the ape suit is a zip-up, rubber-faced, gloved rental. Ridiculous flaws abound: You actualy see the rubber face deform when touched, the gloves and boots are blatantly separate pieces, and some overhead shots show a huge gap most of the lenght of his back where the zipper had come undone. There is a fight scene between three guys and the ape that has to be seen to be believed. I am convinced it's the most laughably bad attempt at acting and filming a fight ever. I mean, ever.
And the horny parts, the entire reason for buying this? Well, he manages to rape/seduce several girls who have wild sex with him while fully clothed, without even a "maybe she took off her pants and they just didn't show it" hint. I mean, their pants are completely on the whole scene. If he's sharp enough to go right through denim jeans, those girls certaily wouldn't end up liking it so much, as they invariably do of course.
And what of the ape's libido? He certainly is a horny one, banging any girl he can find and you even get a great spooge shot when he masturbates in one scene. Best of all, however, is when he gets confused by a woman's, uh, scent on a guy and procedes to have his very wicked way with him. This scene goes on and on and on - I think it's the longest hump scene in the movie, and the only reason it gets the single star above. I mean, how many movies have the guts to show a furry beast humping a guy? For several minutes? And loving it (both of them)? So big kudos for that. We definitely need more creatures doing guys, but sadly no one has the guts but these no-talent "filmmakers."
No kudos for anything else, though. This is just unrelentingly bad, and I suppose it's best saved for parties when you want to play MST3K with your friends, preferably inebriated. Expect zero quality of any kind. Buy as cheaply as possible (or not at all).
Here's the thing: He can't tell human women from human men. Hilarity ensues. It's an entertaining train-wreck that is best enjoyed with tongue in cheek, beer in hand, and friends on the couch to assist you in your derision of the production values. I promise you, that like a wrecked train, you will not be able to take your eyes off of this piece, no matter how bad it gets. This work holds a special place in my library.