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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love Paperback – January 5, 2012
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"A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship."
--John Gray, PhD., bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"Chock-full of tips, questionnaires, and case studies, this is a solidly researched and intriguing approach to the perennial trials of œlooking for love in all the right places and improving existing relationships."
"A practical, enjoyable guide to forming rewarding romantic relationships."
"Amir Levine and Rachel Heller have written a very smart book: It is clear, easy to read and insightful. It's a valuable tool whether you are just entering a relationship with a new partner or-as in my case--even after you've been married 21 years, and had thought you knew everything about your spouse."
"Anyone who has been plagued byt hat age-old question--'What is his deal?"--could benefit from a crash course in attachment theory."
'This is real science, not slickly packaged personal opinion.The theories are clearly explained using lots of examples. There is advice for avoiding unhappy pairings and for getting out of relationships that are doomed to repetitive, negative interaction. This could save your customers a fortune in therapy bills."
"This book is both fascinating and fun. Attached will help every reader understand whom they are attracted to as partners, why, and what they can do to reach fulfillment in love. I enjoyed every moment."
--Janet Klosko, PhD., co-author of the bestselling Reinventing Your Life
"The authors have distilled years of attachment theory research on the nature of human relationships into a practical, highly readable guide."
--John B. Herman, M.D., Associate Chief of Psychiatry and Distinguished Scholar of Medical Psychiatry, Massachusetts General Hospital and Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School
"Based on twenty-five years of research, laced with vivid and instructive examples, and enriched with interesting and well-designed exercises, the book provides deep insights and invaluable skills that will benefit every reader."
--Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, Distinguished Professor of Psychology, University of California, Davis and Past President, International Association for Relationship Research
"Based on twenty-five years of research, laced with vivid and instructive examples, and enriched with interesting and well-designed exercises, the book provides deep insights and invaluable skills that will benefit every reader."-Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, Distinguished Professor of Psychology, University of California, Davis and Past President, International Association for Relationship Research
About the Author
Amir Levine, M.D. is an adult, child, and adolescent psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He graduated from the residency program at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University and for the past few years Amir has been conducting neuroscience research at Columbia under the mentorship of Nobel Prize Laureate Eric Kandel. Amir also has a passion for working with patients and it is in this context, while working with mothers and children in a therapeutic nursery, that he first discovered the power of attachment theory. His clinical work together with his deep understanding of the brain from a neuroscientist’s perspective contribute to his appreciation of attachment theory and its remarkable effectiveness in helping to heal patients. Amir lives in New York City.
Rachel Heller, M.A. studied at Columbia University with some of the most prominent scholars in the field of social psychology. She now works with families and couples as a psychologist in private practice. Rachel lives in Israel.
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I've always considered myself, like most people probably do, to be a complicated, layered individual...unable to boxed in or defined by a particular group or belief system!....then I read this book. Never before had I stumbled upon a psychological model that better described my actions, both in and out of the relationship context. With this new found knowledge I was able to objectively identify, understand and eventually begin to correct certain destructive emotional and psychological patterns within the relationship context. That ability has been incredibly important in my most recent relationship...something that I probably would have stepped away from had I not read this book and understood my avoidant attachment style.
The reason I gave this four stars is because the book was so focused on individuals that were NOT in a relationship. My relationship is the classic avoidant & anxious combination. Yet we decided to leverage this new found knowledge to do the hard work necessary for us to achieve a secure / secure relationship! I do believe this is possible, though hard work, and I have seen results first hand in my relationship that support that theory. However, I would have loved to seen a greater portion of this book dedicated to exercises and tools that couples could use who are in the very situation that this book is encouraging you and teaching you to avoid when possible.
What I found was a relationship book that resonated with me more strongly than almost any before. And it has completely changed the way I dated.
I identify as having an anxious attachment style, although I've displayed avoidant characteristics with certain partners in the past. However, most other books I've read have offered strategies on how to IMPROVE this anxiety, how to get rid of it. That has its place, but what this book really says is, (paraphrasing) "If you are anxiously attached, you need a secure partner. Period. The most effective way to find a satisfying relationship is to weed out avoidant partners immediately." Thus, the focus is not on meditating or journaling to deal with your anxiety, or even dating many people at once (although the book does recommend this), but the focus is really on avoiding people who are wrong for you.
Someone who's even SLIGHTLY avoidant is going to make you feel very, very anxious. If someone waits 24 hours to text you, 99% of the time, this is not going to lead to a relationship that feels healthy for YOU. They are not the right partner for YOU. Don't try to make yourself okay with receiving one text a day; cut that cord QUICKLY, and work on finding other partners. (Or, working on yourself. That is, of course, a given.)
This book, as I said, has changed the way I've dated. Before, I would follow "conventional" dating advice that, in large part, recommends you don't voice your needs directly, lest you look needy. That worked to attract guys, but it attracted the WRONG type of guys. Now, if someone waits a day to text me back, or does [X] behavior, instead of ignoring it and hoping it gets better (it usually doesn't), if it really bothers me, I bring it up. Not in a "let's have a huge conversation about this" way, but in a way that is not passive aggressive or attacking, but also straight forward. The funny thing is, some guys actually APPRECIATE this. And THOSE are the guys I want to date. If things don't get better, I know that that person cannot meet my needs.
In the past, I would have stuck it out, trying to play it "cool" while having crazy anxiety on the inside (i.e., never texting them until they got back to me), and you know what? It NEVER worked out. Ever. With clear communication, I come to that conclusion much quicker, and also have the benefit of seeing how a guy responds to that. (Does he get defensive? Does he apologize? Does he ignore what I said and change the subject? ALL very telling.)
So, in sum: as unsexy as it sounds, CLEAR communication, even – especially – in the early stages of a relationship is best. And this book advocates it. Because, you know what? The people who actually are securely attached and emotionally open will appreciate that. So, trust your gut, keep dating, and good luck!
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