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Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents Hardcover – January 1, 2002

by Deborah D. Gray (Author)

4.6 202 ratings

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All parents deserve positive, proactive, and state-of-the-art knowledge about their children. This is all the more imperative when children have been adopted after challenges. Parents want practical guidance during their child's formative years. No parent wants to face a tragic outcome later! This book provides adoptive parents with specific information that applies to children like theirs. It matches children's emotional needs and stages with parenting strategies designed to enhance their child's happiness and emotional health . The stages have been adapted for parents whose child who might be emotionally a toddler at age six. This book gives parents techniques and information so they can provide their children with a home life designed to bring out the best in every family member. Methods to improve attachment, respect, cooperation, trust, and caring in the family are constant themes in this book.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Proper attachment is the most fundamental issue in a successful adoption, but what exactly does the term mean? Attaching in Adoption answers that question thoroughly, and it provides solutions to a variety of specific attachment problems.

Along with technical explanations of challenges such as self-esteem, childhood grief, and limit-testing, the book includes a tremendous number of personal vignettes illustrating attachment-related situations. Parents who are convinced that only their child has ever behaved a certain way are sure to take comfort in these stories; not only do they include kids from all backgrounds and age groups, but each has an ultimately happy ending. The emotional health of the whole family is also paramount according to the book--with plenty of rest and "alone time," caregivers are more likely to be emotionally available when they are most needed.

Because Attaching in Adoption focuses on special needs, families who are coming together through foster programs, at later ages, or across cultural lines will find it especially helpful. Both psychologically detailed and straightforwardly helpful, it can be of equal benefit to counselors and parents alike. --Jill Lightner

From Publishers Weekly

Gray, a clinical social worker specializing in attachment, grief and trauma, has penned a comprehensive guidebook for adoptive parents, taking an in-depth look at how children and families adjust. The author notes that many of today's adoptions involve older children who may have been abused or neglected, or who may have spent years in institutions or various foster situations; due to their past experiences these children may have difficulty attaching to their adoptive parents. Explaining that attachment forms the template for future adult relationships, Gray stresses how important it is for adoptive parents to be patient in forging this new bond. She advises creating a high structure/ high nurture environment for the child, and instructs parents to find out about their child's background. The book covers many issues, including cross-cultural and interracial adoption, religious concerns and other complications for attaching, such as ADHD and learning disabilities. Gray also includes a detailed exploration of developmental delays common in kids who have been adopted later in life. While the book is densely written, it will nevertheless be invaluable for adoptive parents. Gray compassionately helps readers form realistic expectations, while offering a myriad of suggestions for families and children striving to form lasting, loving relationships.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Perspectives Pr; First Edition (January 1, 2002)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 391 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0944934293
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0944934296
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.75 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.25 x 1.25 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,172,136 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #10,787 in Parenting (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.6 202 ratings

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Deborah D. Gray

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Deborah Gray, MPA, LICSW specializes in the attachment, grief, and trauma issues of children in her practice, Nurturing Attachments. Her passion is to help families develop close, satisfying relationships

In 2015 Deborah received a lifetime achievement award from the International ATTACh organization for her contributions to the attachment field. Deborah is core faculty for the Attachment/Trauma-Focused Therapy Program and Portland State University Foster and Adoption Therapy Program.

Deborah Gray is a popular presenter due to her practical and positive approaches. She continues to work in a clinical practice with parents and children, who help to teach her new approaches and techniques every day.

Deborah is the author of the books: Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents, Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma, Attaching with Love, Hugs, and Joy, and co-author of Games and Activities for Attaching with Your Child.

A new book for professionals, Promoting Healthy Attachments: Hands-on Techniques to Use with Your Clients, is due for publication by WW Norton in 2018. Deborah provides additional information at Nurturingattachments.com

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Customers say

Customers find the book informative and helpful for learning about adoption. They appreciate the clear advice and explanations on how to handle different issues. The book provides a wealth of information about adoption attachment and bonding with new parents. Readers mention it's a must-read for families in all stages of adoption. The pacing is realistic yet hopeful, showing that even though you love that kid before, it's ultimately a very positive book.

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Information quality Adoption Pacing

32 customers mention "Information quality"32 positive0 negative

Customers find the book informative and helpful. They appreciate the practical advice and strategies for handling different issues. The book analyzes problems clearly and offers solutions. Readers find the material understandable and useful.

"...But the book was so clear with practical advice on how to handle different issues you can come across when dealing with attachment issues that we..." Read more

"This book has been incredibly helpful to me. It gave me the boost I needed to deal with the behaviors of our new three-year old...." Read more

"...It described our foster child perfectly! Not only did it give coindtructive ideas on how to help and handle this child, it validated our experiences..." Read more

"...While she is realistic about possible problems, she also provides concrete suggestions and strategies for dealing with and getting help for..." Read more

15 customers mention "Adoption"15 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful for families in all stages of adoption. It provides a wealth of information about adoption attachment, bonding with new parents, and understanding and building attachment. They appreciate the author's emphasis on meeting their child at their developmental level. The impact of adoption is discussed from infancy to adulthood.

"...specializing in trauma, grief, and attachment, does a good job of telling adoptive parents what they might encounter and what causes behavioral and..." Read more

"...She covers the various stages of attachment, what kids need to attach well, what happens when the process goes wrong, and what to do to help kids..." Read more

"...parents of older adoptees, but I found much that was helpful for our 14 month old son...." Read more

"...This really goes much more in-depth with the stages of attachment. There are some strategies listed for building attachment...." Read more

5 customers mention "Pacing"5 positive0 negative

Customers find the book's pacing good. They say it helps them be realistic about their expectations and gives them practical advice with hope. The author writes in a realistic yet hopeful style that analyzes problems.

"...It is ultimately a very positive book, demonstrating that even seriously damaged kids can work through their issues and become happy, well-adjusted..." Read more

"...contains more, provides concrete examples, and tells it like it is, with HOPE...." Read more

"...one of the most helpful points of the book involves being realistic in your expectations - you may love that kid before you even meet, but that kid..." Read more

"...the ideas and strategies included in the book, I found it very encouraging and anticipate using it as a helpful reference in the future...." Read more

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Heather A. Rhoades
Saved my family - a must read for any family having issues after adoption
Reviewed in the United States on September 23, 2013
Verified Purchase
My husband and I were at wits end with our foster (now adoptive) child. At the age of (just turned) 3, she had purposefully broken 3 windows and our home was alarmed better than Fort Knox because she would continually try to escape at all hours of the day or night. We were exhausted and afraid, because if a 3 year old could do this to us, what would we do with her when she got older? We were completely baffled by her behavior and her reactions to us. And for the record, we have 3 older bios and one younger adoptive who are all well behaved, well adjusted, happy kids. We are good parents.

Then during a completely pure chance, business related meeting, I shared with a colleague who was also a foster/adoptive parent what my husband and I were going through. He urgently recommended this book explaining that it had brought his family back from the edge in a similar situation.

I bought the book and proceeded to cry through the first half. My daughter finally made sense. Better yet, the author had suggestions that were implementable that day. Because our daughter was still a foster child at the time, the possibility of professional help was, unfortunately, delayed due to bureaucracy. But the book was so clear with practical advice on how to handle different issues you can come across when dealing with attachment issues that we were able to start literally that day with trying to help her. Plus, frankly, being able to just understand why she was acting the way she was, was a godsend.

Two months later, when we were finally able to get her into see a behavioral psychologist, I almost felt embarrassed because she had improved so much. The escape behavior was gone, the frantic grabbing had been reduced significantly, the defiance was greatly reduced and constant, demanding need to be the center of attention had relaxed. We still went because we still have a long way to go, but my daughter now comes to me when she is upset and she looks to me for comfort. I feel like she sees me as mom.

The recommendations in the book are not easy. They require time and energy... a lot of time and energy. But they work. And when you are at your wit's end and nothing else has worked, the time and energy don't matter.

I would recommend this book for anyone who is currently having problems within their adoptive or foster placement. I would not recommend this book for someone in the process of becoming a foster or adoptive parent. Not all children who are placed have attachment issues and some of the stories in the book may cause too much concern for a prospective family. But, know that if you do have issues, this book is here to help.

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T.C.
Incredibly Helpful
Reviewed in the United States on February 25, 2010
Verified Purchase
This book has been incredibly helpful to me. It gave me the boost I needed to deal with the behaviors of our new three-year old. He was placed with us for adoption last October, and it's been a tough winter. I was looking for something to enhance my knowledge of attachment problems, and this book was just what I needed. Many of the examples were exactly what I was dealing with. I am only part way through reading the book and have already found so much information in it. I have been telling everyone about this book. I am also buying copies for anyone I know who is adopting a child or foster parenting. I am also giving a copy to our social worker. Anyone who works with or cares about these children needs to read this book. It helps a parent feel like they are not alone and helps them understand where the behaviors are coming from and puts it all into perspective. It helps you stay patient when you feel like screaming and pulling out your hair. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this book. TC

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6 people found this helpful

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Vegas Mommy
This book changed our family!
Reviewed in the United States on March 24, 2009
Verified Purchase
As a foster parent (and adoptive mom to a child with RAD), we often have long-term placements with all types of attachment issues, both temporary and long-lasting. We had a three-year old that we just couldn't find a way to reach. I downloaded this to my Kindle one night and started reading... and chapter 10 on Anxiety changed our family. It described our foster child perfectly! Not only did it give coindtructive ideas on how to help and handle this child, it validated our experiences which no one else was lucky enough to observe. The bahaviors, the attitude, the inability to calm down during a tantrum... all there on paper and I felt like a validated mom again instead of a big failure. This book did not talk down to me as a parent while remaining easy to read and packed with valuable info. I recommend this to ANY foster or adoptive parent. It just might save your family!

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Elizabeth
Excellent book, very practical but my social worker refused ...
Reviewed in Canada on December 28, 2017
Verified Purchase
Excellent book, very practical but my social worker refused to approve me because I am a cancer survivor AND I had clearance from my oncologist. She ripped my heart out of me. I am heart broken and at a loss.

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Jennifer Rea
Great
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 13, 2019
Verified Purchase
This book is exactly what is needed practical advice and help. It's well written and great for people with a psychology background.

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Bücherwurm2001
Hervorragend
Reviewed in Germany on September 1, 2016
Verified Purchase
Das Buch ist wirklich fundiert. Die Beispiele zeigen, dass die Autorin weiß, wovon sie schreibt. Viele andere Ratgeber sind von hervorragenden Psychologen geschrieben, die aber offenbar nie eigene Kinder hatten.

Das Buch von Gray ist m.E. eines der besten Bücher zu diesem Thema.

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Laura
A must for foster parents
Reviewed in Canada on January 7, 2019
Verified Purchase
I find this book to be a must read for foster parents, even if it can be a bit heavy sometimes.

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Fran Todd
Developing attachment and conscience.....
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 22, 2010
Verified Purchase
Expert and practical strategies to ensure your child attaches properly. The'normal' challenges to expect as you both move towards attachment,and what to do about them. Additional and clearly explained information on the various conditions and syndromes that can impact attachment. An important book.

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