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![And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by [John Gottman Phd, Julie Schwartz Gottman]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/517e8PNzOjL._SY346_.jpg)
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And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives Kindle Edition
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John Gottman Phd
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Julie Schwartz Gottman
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Julie Schwartz Gottman
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LanguageEnglish
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PublisherHarmony
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Publication dateJanuary 9, 2007
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File size4263 KB
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Editorial Reviews
About the Author
John M. Gottman, PhD, is a New York Times bestselling author and a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle. His many books include The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, serves as the clinical director of the Gottman Institute and created the Gottman Institute's relationship clinic. She is coauthor of Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, with John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.
Randye Kaye is an accomplished voice talent, actress, singer, broadcaster, and author. She received a Listen-Up Award nomination and starred reviews for Ben Behind His Voices, which she also wrote, bringing together the various facets of her career. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, serves as the clinical director of the Gottman Institute and created the Gottman Institute's relationship clinic. She is coauthor of Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, with John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.
Randye Kaye is an accomplished voice talent, actress, singer, broadcaster, and author. She received a Listen-Up Award nomination and starred reviews for Ben Behind His Voices, which she also wrote, bringing together the various facets of her career. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
1
REALIZE WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME SOUP
Jim wakes up early one morning in an amorous mood. He reaches over and touches his wife's breast. She sits bolt upright and exclaims, "Those are for the baby!" Jim is crushed. He dashes out of bed and jumps in the shower.
Margarita and Carlos are about to make love one night when the baby starts crying. Carlos jokes, "Damn! This baby must have a radar for our lovemaking. He's saying, 'No sibs for me!'" Margarita doesn't laugh. She gets up. Carlos grabs her nightgown, pulls her back, and, a little irritably says, "Stay. He can just calm himself. The trouble is you never give him the chance to." Margarita frowns, once again gets up, and Carlos utters another "Damn!" under his breath. She hears him. When she returns to bed a while later, she expects Carlos to be angry. But surprisingly, Carlos apologizes and says that he understands why she had to go to the baby. He offers to go the next time the baby cries. Now she cries, but in gratitude. Exhausted, both of them feel closer again and cuddle together. They fall asleep in each other's arms, as the baby sleeps through his first night.
Across the street, Debbie comes to breakfast with her baby. Her husband, Harry, sits down to eat, too, but pulls his chair over to the portable TV. Debbie says, "Can't you turn that thing off and spend breakfast with me and the baby?" Harry says, "Shut up and stop nagging! I just want to hear the news before work. Anyway, what do you want me for? You sure as hell don't want me at night. I'm pretty worthless to you, aren't I? What do you care how hard I work, or when I help out around here? You're the one driving me away. All you want is to be with that baby." Debbie yells, "What is it with you men? Can't you get it that when a woman has a baby hanging on her all day, she doesn't want a man hanging on her all night?" Harry gets up and leaves with the portable TV, slamming the door behind him.
A few blocks away, there's a different picture. Jason and his partner, Shanique, play with their six-month-old son, Marcus, who's getting a fresh diaper on the changing table. Marcus is watching his parents with eyes like saucers. Jason sings, "I'm gonna . . . get . . . your . . . belly!" and he gives Marcus a big loud kiss on the belly. Marcus giggles and flashes Jason a gorgeous smile. Jason and Shanique both dive in, tickling and blowing on their baby's tummy. The baby wiggles and squeals with laughter. Shanique and Jason pick him up, fresh and clean, and dance over the living-room floor.
What's the difference between these families? They all have new babies, they all face the same joys and the same stresses, and yet some are so happy, and some are not. In our research, we've discovered that everyone has the best of intentions after their babies are born. But some couples weather the transition beautifully, others stumble but regain their footing, while still others fall . . . and keep falling.
First, though, before we examine what distinguishes one group of couples from another, let's answer a more fundamental question: Who is having babies in this country?
BABIES ARE MOSTLY BORN TO COUPLES
About 4.5 million babies are born each year in the United States. The vast majority are born to married couples, not single moms. But the numbers are changing dramatically. In 1980, the estimate was that 18.4 percent of all babies were born to single moms. By 2003, the figure increased to 34.6 percent--over a third of all babies born in this country. These figures suggest that single motherhood is on the rise. There's a fear that children born to single moms are at greater risk for poverty, neglect, and maltreatment. Some say that if these babies were born to couples committed to staying together, their families would be much better off.
These statistics are highly misleading. A recent study in twenty-one American cities found that unwed mothers are rarely alone. Independent of race and ethnicity, a whopping 82 percent of these moms are romantically involved with the fathers of their babies. Sixty percent of these couples live together and are gallantly struggling to make it. So the overwhelming majority of unwed mothers are partnered already with the dads of their babies. "Single" motherhood, at least in the first year of Baby's life, is largely a myth.
As we travel around the nation conducting our workshops for birth educators, we also see men in every social class and ethnic group wanting to be better fathers and partners. Many men have experienced absentee fathers whom they either have never met or who disappeared early from their families. They don't want to repeat their fathers' mistakes. They want a different life for themselves. Many of them want families even more than friends or careers.
All told, this means that nearly all babies are born to couples, married or not. And couples are showing a profound commitment these days to creating not just babies, but healthy families. That's what this book is all about.
THE SOUP WE'RE ALL IN
There's an old joke about a man who goes to a restaurant, and after his soup arrives he calls the waiter over. He says to the waiter, "Taste the soup." The waiter assures him that this soup has taken weeks to prepare, and that the chef is one of the finest in the city. The man again says to the waiter, "Taste the soup." The waiter offers more assurances. He brings over framed restaurant reviews that all mention the soup. The man nods and smiles and again says to the waiter, "Taste the soup." Finally, exasperated, the waiter says, "All right. I'll taste the soup . . . Where's the spoon?" "Aha!" the man says.
There's no way for us to know how our lives will change after our baby arrives. We think we'll be full of joy. Everyone tells us that there's nothing more exciting than a new baby. Babies are the natural culmination of the love we share. They are the dawning of new hope. Babies delight us with their cuteness and draw us into their peaceful, loving world. They are soft and tender, helpless and small. They need us. They call us to love and nurture them. They are also very nice people. They openly greet us, and they eagerly play with us. They engage us, imitate us, and smile at us. Once we get to know our babies, we think, maybe our species is good and fine after all.
But sometimes we find that we may have cooked up a tasty fantasy. Once the realities of new parenthood set in, the stresses stand out, too, like too much salt in a dish.
Our thirteen-year research study with 130 young families uncovered a startling fact: In the first three years after babies were born, a whopping two-thirds of parents experienced a significant drop in their couple relationship quality. Being with Baby tasted so sweet, but being together as partners turned bitter; increases in conflict and hostility soured family life.
If these research results are representative, we're talking about an overwhelming majority of American families who suffer from relationship distress after children come. We heard many stories like these (the following names and identifying details were changed).
Angelica complained that her husband expects her to do almost all of the housework and child care even though she now works half-time. Robert said that he now works not only full-time but does a lot of overtime as well, and that should count for something.
She sarcastically said, "Thank you, Your Highness. But you can change this diaper right now as part of your overtime at home."
He snickered. "No way. I'll change a wet diaper, but the poop ones are all yours."
She did not laugh. She changed the diaper.
Jonathan and Jenny sat on a couch together during an interview. He said, "Jenny's too involved with the baby. She's got no limits. She doesn't get that we have to save our money now. She'll spend a week's salary just so the baby will look cute when she brings him out to her friends. It's like our baby is Barbie. She's totally impractical."
She said, "You don't understand! Our baby outgrows everything so fast. Besides, I am not impractical. I resent that! You're just a cheapskate who doesn't earn enough money. I had to get that new stroller. The old one wasn't safe."
He shot back, "All I ever hear out of your mouth are zingers, nothing but criticism. What about all the good stuff I do? "
She whipped out, "Whenever you do anything, you don't do it right, so I have to do it all over again." She laughed.
He said, "Another zinger."
The two of them ended up sitting next to each other, not talking, stone-faced and looking straight ahead.
These examples are typical. In our research, we score videotapes of couples discussing problems in detail, second by second. Here's what we see: The couples in trouble are critical, defensive, and disrespectful with each other. They are blind to their partner's point of view, and they can't compromise. They often say things they later regret. Not surprisingly, most of these couples have elevated heart rates during their arguments. Their fights feel like tripping through mine fields. Their partners seem like enemies, not allies. Apparently, their partners don't even like them, let alone respect them. Over time, both partners are haunted by feeling unappreciated, neglected, and lonely.
How does this calamity happen when there should only be joy? The story seems to be this: When a baby arrives, a couple's intimacy deteriorates. Sex, romance, and passion often decline. The relationship shifts its center to the baby. Husbands and wives who were once friends and lovers no longer have time for each other. Dating stops entirely, and long conversations disappear. Both parents get lonely, and can be drawn to others outside the marriage. Most affairs occur after children come. Family time is now battle time.
Worse yet, battles get ... --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
REALIZE WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME SOUP
Jim wakes up early one morning in an amorous mood. He reaches over and touches his wife's breast. She sits bolt upright and exclaims, "Those are for the baby!" Jim is crushed. He dashes out of bed and jumps in the shower.
Margarita and Carlos are about to make love one night when the baby starts crying. Carlos jokes, "Damn! This baby must have a radar for our lovemaking. He's saying, 'No sibs for me!'" Margarita doesn't laugh. She gets up. Carlos grabs her nightgown, pulls her back, and, a little irritably says, "Stay. He can just calm himself. The trouble is you never give him the chance to." Margarita frowns, once again gets up, and Carlos utters another "Damn!" under his breath. She hears him. When she returns to bed a while later, she expects Carlos to be angry. But surprisingly, Carlos apologizes and says that he understands why she had to go to the baby. He offers to go the next time the baby cries. Now she cries, but in gratitude. Exhausted, both of them feel closer again and cuddle together. They fall asleep in each other's arms, as the baby sleeps through his first night.
Across the street, Debbie comes to breakfast with her baby. Her husband, Harry, sits down to eat, too, but pulls his chair over to the portable TV. Debbie says, "Can't you turn that thing off and spend breakfast with me and the baby?" Harry says, "Shut up and stop nagging! I just want to hear the news before work. Anyway, what do you want me for? You sure as hell don't want me at night. I'm pretty worthless to you, aren't I? What do you care how hard I work, or when I help out around here? You're the one driving me away. All you want is to be with that baby." Debbie yells, "What is it with you men? Can't you get it that when a woman has a baby hanging on her all day, she doesn't want a man hanging on her all night?" Harry gets up and leaves with the portable TV, slamming the door behind him.
A few blocks away, there's a different picture. Jason and his partner, Shanique, play with their six-month-old son, Marcus, who's getting a fresh diaper on the changing table. Marcus is watching his parents with eyes like saucers. Jason sings, "I'm gonna . . . get . . . your . . . belly!" and he gives Marcus a big loud kiss on the belly. Marcus giggles and flashes Jason a gorgeous smile. Jason and Shanique both dive in, tickling and blowing on their baby's tummy. The baby wiggles and squeals with laughter. Shanique and Jason pick him up, fresh and clean, and dance over the living-room floor.
What's the difference between these families? They all have new babies, they all face the same joys and the same stresses, and yet some are so happy, and some are not. In our research, we've discovered that everyone has the best of intentions after their babies are born. But some couples weather the transition beautifully, others stumble but regain their footing, while still others fall . . . and keep falling.
First, though, before we examine what distinguishes one group of couples from another, let's answer a more fundamental question: Who is having babies in this country?
BABIES ARE MOSTLY BORN TO COUPLES
About 4.5 million babies are born each year in the United States. The vast majority are born to married couples, not single moms. But the numbers are changing dramatically. In 1980, the estimate was that 18.4 percent of all babies were born to single moms. By 2003, the figure increased to 34.6 percent--over a third of all babies born in this country. These figures suggest that single motherhood is on the rise. There's a fear that children born to single moms are at greater risk for poverty, neglect, and maltreatment. Some say that if these babies were born to couples committed to staying together, their families would be much better off.
These statistics are highly misleading. A recent study in twenty-one American cities found that unwed mothers are rarely alone. Independent of race and ethnicity, a whopping 82 percent of these moms are romantically involved with the fathers of their babies. Sixty percent of these couples live together and are gallantly struggling to make it. So the overwhelming majority of unwed mothers are partnered already with the dads of their babies. "Single" motherhood, at least in the first year of Baby's life, is largely a myth.
As we travel around the nation conducting our workshops for birth educators, we also see men in every social class and ethnic group wanting to be better fathers and partners. Many men have experienced absentee fathers whom they either have never met or who disappeared early from their families. They don't want to repeat their fathers' mistakes. They want a different life for themselves. Many of them want families even more than friends or careers.
All told, this means that nearly all babies are born to couples, married or not. And couples are showing a profound commitment these days to creating not just babies, but healthy families. That's what this book is all about.
THE SOUP WE'RE ALL IN
There's an old joke about a man who goes to a restaurant, and after his soup arrives he calls the waiter over. He says to the waiter, "Taste the soup." The waiter assures him that this soup has taken weeks to prepare, and that the chef is one of the finest in the city. The man again says to the waiter, "Taste the soup." The waiter offers more assurances. He brings over framed restaurant reviews that all mention the soup. The man nods and smiles and again says to the waiter, "Taste the soup." Finally, exasperated, the waiter says, "All right. I'll taste the soup . . . Where's the spoon?" "Aha!" the man says.
There's no way for us to know how our lives will change after our baby arrives. We think we'll be full of joy. Everyone tells us that there's nothing more exciting than a new baby. Babies are the natural culmination of the love we share. They are the dawning of new hope. Babies delight us with their cuteness and draw us into their peaceful, loving world. They are soft and tender, helpless and small. They need us. They call us to love and nurture them. They are also very nice people. They openly greet us, and they eagerly play with us. They engage us, imitate us, and smile at us. Once we get to know our babies, we think, maybe our species is good and fine after all.
But sometimes we find that we may have cooked up a tasty fantasy. Once the realities of new parenthood set in, the stresses stand out, too, like too much salt in a dish.
Our thirteen-year research study with 130 young families uncovered a startling fact: In the first three years after babies were born, a whopping two-thirds of parents experienced a significant drop in their couple relationship quality. Being with Baby tasted so sweet, but being together as partners turned bitter; increases in conflict and hostility soured family life.
If these research results are representative, we're talking about an overwhelming majority of American families who suffer from relationship distress after children come. We heard many stories like these (the following names and identifying details were changed).
Angelica complained that her husband expects her to do almost all of the housework and child care even though she now works half-time. Robert said that he now works not only full-time but does a lot of overtime as well, and that should count for something.
She sarcastically said, "Thank you, Your Highness. But you can change this diaper right now as part of your overtime at home."
He snickered. "No way. I'll change a wet diaper, but the poop ones are all yours."
She did not laugh. She changed the diaper.
Jonathan and Jenny sat on a couch together during an interview. He said, "Jenny's too involved with the baby. She's got no limits. She doesn't get that we have to save our money now. She'll spend a week's salary just so the baby will look cute when she brings him out to her friends. It's like our baby is Barbie. She's totally impractical."
She said, "You don't understand! Our baby outgrows everything so fast. Besides, I am not impractical. I resent that! You're just a cheapskate who doesn't earn enough money. I had to get that new stroller. The old one wasn't safe."
He shot back, "All I ever hear out of your mouth are zingers, nothing but criticism. What about all the good stuff I do? "
She whipped out, "Whenever you do anything, you don't do it right, so I have to do it all over again." She laughed.
He said, "Another zinger."
The two of them ended up sitting next to each other, not talking, stone-faced and looking straight ahead.
These examples are typical. In our research, we score videotapes of couples discussing problems in detail, second by second. Here's what we see: The couples in trouble are critical, defensive, and disrespectful with each other. They are blind to their partner's point of view, and they can't compromise. They often say things they later regret. Not surprisingly, most of these couples have elevated heart rates during their arguments. Their fights feel like tripping through mine fields. Their partners seem like enemies, not allies. Apparently, their partners don't even like them, let alone respect them. Over time, both partners are haunted by feeling unappreciated, neglected, and lonely.
How does this calamity happen when there should only be joy? The story seems to be this: When a baby arrives, a couple's intimacy deteriorates. Sex, romance, and passion often decline. The relationship shifts its center to the baby. Husbands and wives who were once friends and lovers no longer have time for each other. Dating stops entirely, and long conversations disappear. Both parents get lonely, and can be drawn to others outside the marriage. Most affairs occur after children come. Family time is now battle time.
Worse yet, battles get ... --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
Product details
- ASIN : B000N2HCK6
- Publisher : Harmony; 1st edition (January 9, 2007)
- Publication date : January 9, 2007
- Language : English
- File size : 4263 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Not Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 272 pages
- Page numbers source ISBN : 140009738X
- Lending : Not Enabled
-
Best Sellers Rank:
#160,221 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #28 in Family Activities
- #210 in Family Activity
- #234 in Sexuality (Kindle Store)
- Customer Reviews:
Customer reviews
4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
254 global ratings
How are ratings calculated?
To calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star, we don’t use a simple average. Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzes reviews to verify trustworthiness.
Top reviews
Top reviews from the United States
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Reviewed in the United States on July 20, 2018
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My husband and I have been married 9 years and have read many, many marriage books, primarily in a Christian context. We are expecting our first any day now. This book has filled a void my husband has been feeling for a while now: the lack of research. While this is not a Christian book, it does respect and uphold the sactity of marriage. Instead of creating an entire book based on a couple bible passages, it organizes the book based on what successful couples have done to, well, be successful. The case studies are all very real and the research-based approach to what works and what doesn’t was really refreshing. Highly recommend this book!
11 people found this helpful
Helpful
Reviewed in the United States on October 13, 2017
Verified Purchase
The first few chapters are really sobering. The statistics are staggering and it was a good reminder to me of the importance of investing in my marriage despite so many other things vying for my attention now that we had another human to care for. I found some of the conflict chapters to be a little redundant, but then again my husband and I are both mental health professionals so we tend to conflict well. The rest of the book contains so many practical tools and excellent perspective that can benefit any couple. Highly recommend!
7 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on December 8, 2016
Verified Purchase
This book applies many of the principles of making healthy relationships that Gottman and the Gottman Institute have become famous for, but specifically for new parents. It is readable and eminently practical. There are many real-life stories included as illustrations, quizzes for you and your partner to use to take stock of things, and exercises to improve your relationship.
My husband and I read this together during my pregnancy and it was a great investment of time into keeping our marriage strong during the inevitable stresses of parenting. I highly recommend it.
My husband and I read this together during my pregnancy and it was a great investment of time into keeping our marriage strong during the inevitable stresses of parenting. I highly recommend it.
8 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 5, 2020
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The Gottmans have done a lovely job of summarizing all their work. Great premarital book even if you don’t plan to have children!
2 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on January 12, 2019
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Amazing must have doesn’t matter if you already have a kid or two
4 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on June 21, 2018
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Wonderful for new parents. So much practical help in growing together as parents. I wish I had read it 2 years ago.
3 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on August 21, 2018
Verified Purchase
This book was recommended to me by my doula and I’m still in the first chapter and can tell it’s a great book. I’m looking forward to the wisdom and advice I pull from the pages and sharing them with my husband as we navigate this new world of parenting together.
One person found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on October 29, 2010
Verified Purchase
I read this book soon after having my baby and was WOWED at how right the authors got it ALL. I wish I'd read it during pregnancy, but fortunately my husband and I were already communicating well and preparing to be a team as parents (we'd been married for nine years at that point).
But even then, the book provided good reminders. Also, this book does such a great job creating a sense of normalcy out of what feels like very ABNORMAL situations (screaming baby, two testy parents, no sex, etc.). Every single chapter resonated with me, and I found the parenting advice to be great too. The advice to love and delight in your baby seems so obvious, and yet I think it's so easy for new parents to feel burdened by the new demands and miss all the joy. I also really appreciate the emphasis they put on husbands becoming involved fathers. I really think that the advice in this book is RIGHT ON.
I loved this book so much that I bought a bunch of extra copies and have been giving them to friends as they become pregnant. I recommend it to EVERYONE who is expecting a baby or has a new baby in the house.
But even then, the book provided good reminders. Also, this book does such a great job creating a sense of normalcy out of what feels like very ABNORMAL situations (screaming baby, two testy parents, no sex, etc.). Every single chapter resonated with me, and I found the parenting advice to be great too. The advice to love and delight in your baby seems so obvious, and yet I think it's so easy for new parents to feel burdened by the new demands and miss all the joy. I also really appreciate the emphasis they put on husbands becoming involved fathers. I really think that the advice in this book is RIGHT ON.
I loved this book so much that I bought a bunch of extra copies and have been giving them to friends as they become pregnant. I recommend it to EVERYONE who is expecting a baby or has a new baby in the house.
15 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Amir
4.0 out of 5 stars
Four Stars
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 19, 2017Verified Purchase
Important and strait forward info.

Nadine A
3.0 out of 5 stars
If you've read the 7 Principles this is redundant (and 7 Principles is a better read)
Reviewed in Canada on September 7, 2018Verified Purchase
Might be helfpul if it's your first intro to John Gottman's work, but having read the 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work I just find this to be a bit of a rehash. Plus I find all the accounts/examples of couples fighting to be kinda depressing - I guess I'm lucky but we don't really fight at all and it kinda makes me sad to be constantly reminded that some people do. I thought this would be more for helping solid couples (what they call the "masters") anticipate the new dynamics once a child is introduced, but I think it's more geared toward helping shaky couples (what they call the "disasters") improve. That said, if my husband and I are "masters" it is in part due to what we learned from the 7 Principles book, I can't recommend that one enough!

JoelC
4.0 out of 5 stars
Strongly realistic book about adding a child to your most important relationship
Reviewed in Canada on November 19, 2017Verified Purchase
This book was brutal and blunt. My wife and I thought it was way too harsh with too little focus on the joys of parenthood and too much delving into the hardship of parenting and how much it will try your marriage.
Now that we have two lovely children, I would simply say that this book is realistic and accurate. You have to fight hard for your marriage when a little person comes into the relationship to join you. They need all your parental love and a huge amount of your time, but you marriage relationship still needs to be #1 so that the child(ren) have a strong home to be a part of.
This book may have turned out to be too gentle for us, since our first child is a raging extrovert and both my wife and I are strong introverts.
Now that we have two lovely children, I would simply say that this book is realistic and accurate. You have to fight hard for your marriage when a little person comes into the relationship to join you. They need all your parental love and a huge amount of your time, but you marriage relationship still needs to be #1 so that the child(ren) have a strong home to be a part of.
This book may have turned out to be too gentle for us, since our first child is a raging extrovert and both my wife and I are strong introverts.
One person found this helpful
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ED
5.0 out of 5 stars
Practical, Useful, one of the better getting ready for baby books you could read
Reviewed in Canada on May 4, 2016Verified Purchase
Very accurate picture to what happens when you have a new baby entering your family. I read it when we already had a two year old and were expecting a second and wished I had read this sooner. Excellent resource.
2 people found this helpful
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Daniela
5.0 out of 5 stars
Food for thought, ideas to improve your relationship
Reviewed in Canada on December 6, 2016Verified Purchase
Many stories, examples and food for thought. Explains how your relationship can influence how happy a baby is, even before they're born. Good ideas for improving things with your partner
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