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Chris Kluwe

Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities Hardcover – Illustrated, June 25, 2013

by Chris Kluwe (Author)

119 ratings

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Hi. In your hands, right now, you hold the culmination of thousands of years of human intelligence, ingenuity, and brilliance. Now put your goddamn phone down and pay attention to my book.

What is in my book, you ask? (I'm really glad you asked, by the way, because now I get to tell you.)

Time travel. Gay marriage. Sportsballing. Futuristic goggles that DO NOTHING.

Tiny brags from my publisher, stuff like: "This is an uproarious, uncensored take on empathy, personal responsibility, and what it means to be human."

Excessive brags about myself: "An extraordinarily clever, punishingly funny, sharp-tongued blogosphere star, NFL player, husband and father, one-time violin prodigy, voracious lifetime reader, obsessive gamer, and fearless champion of personal freedom."

Oh, and also an essay on the Pope's Twitter account. Honestly, if that doesn't draw you in, there's no hope left for humanity. I also give my own funeral eulogy, in case you were hoping I'd go away and die now!

So please, join me in the glorious art of windmill tilting by reading this "collection of rousing, uncensored personal essays, letters, and stories" (I have no idea why that's in quotes).

Join the herd of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.

(You know you want to.)

Print length

272 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Little, Brown and Company
Publication date

June 25, 2013
Dimensions

6.25 x 1.13 x 9.5 inches
ISBN-10

9780316236775
ISBN-13

978-0316236775
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"The most interesting man in the N.F.L." -- The New York Times

"The quirky and sometimes pugnacious ex-punter for the Vikings reveals a little more about his views on social issues, and a lot more about himself, his career and how his frenetic and far-ranging mind works....Kluwe proves himself to be, indeed, a man for all season--not just football season." -- The Minneapolis Star Tribune

"In a league (and sports climate) which has become one, long, repetitive sound bite, a guy who will actually say something meaningful." -- BleacherReport.com

"Chris Kluwe is a glimmering sparklepony of candor (and not afraid to dive fearlessly into the marriage equality debate)." -- Mother Jones

"It's a strongly worded, profanity laced political and philosophical manifesto from an unlikely new pundit: pro football player Chris Kluwe ... Mr. Kluwe's particular talent as a prose stylist lies in his creative use of inventive swear words." -- The Wall Street Journal's "Speakeasy"

"Kluwe is a genuine iconoclast.... Kluwe's writing makes for an entertaining read. He's as adept at the art of the take-down... but he is capable of toning it down when he has to.... His words present compelling arguments on myriad deep and unsolvable, yet relentlessly fascinating problems." -- The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

"Intelligent and thought-provoking, Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies is relentlessly honest; Kluwe pulls no punches, spares no language and writes a rip-roaring debut." -- Shelf Awareness

"A lively collection. In mixing the profane with the prophetic while using a variety of literary devices, the author succeeds at being both entertaining and enlightening. An intriguing assortment of work from an athlete with a lot on his mind." -- Kirkus

"Kluwe is a brainy loudmouth dyspeptic idealistic pessimistic utopian punter/gay rights activist/champion of free speech/family guy who plays guitar. He's sort of Charles Barkley meets Bill "Spaceman" Lee--but with more gravitas." -- ESPN.com

"Kluwe's combination of passion and intelligent self-deprecation has resulted in some must-read stuff....Kluwe is a talented writer with plenty to say. He just happens to kick footballs for a living." -- The Maine Edge

"Chris Kluwe writes much better than I can punt." John Scalzi, award-winning author of Old Man's War and Redshirts

About the Author

Chris Kluwe grew up in Southern California among a colony of wild chinchillas and didn't learn how to communicate outside of barking and howling until he was fourteen years old. He has played football in the NFL, once wrestled a bear for a pot of gold, and lies occasionally. He is also the eternal disappointment of his mother, who just can't understand why he hasn't cured cancer yet. Do you know why these bio things are in third person? I have no idea. Please tell me if you figure it out.

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Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0316236772
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Little, Brown and Company; Illustrated edition (June 25, 2013)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780316236775
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0316236775
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.07 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.25 x 1.13 x 9.5 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,888,483 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #780 in Sports Humor
- #1,444 in Political Humor (Books)
- #4,226 in Humor Essays (Books)

Customer Reviews:
119 ratings

Customer reviews

5 star		67%
4 star		15%
3 star		5%
2 star		7%
1 star		6%

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Top reviews from the United States

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me1313

Eh

Reviewed in the United States on November 9, 2019

Verified Purchase

Couldn’t finish it. Grandstanding ramblings on social issues. Agreed w everything he says, but who is this for? Who is reading this thinking, “oh wow, so you treat people like you want to be treated? What a revelation!”

2 people found this helpful

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gcnp

Wasn't for me.

Reviewed in the United States on February 8, 2017

Verified Purchase

I wanted to like this book. Kluwe seems like an intelligent guy. But I just couldn't get through this. Something about his writing style put me off. Maybe, at the bottom of it, I just don't care enough about football as a sport or social construct to read a book like this.

3 people found this helpful

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Funny and Powerful and Very Well Written

Reviewed in the United States on July 7, 2013

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I was fortunate enough to get the chance to hear Chris Kluwe speak at a local community college last month and this book is like the written version of his talk that night. He was asked about everything from football to politics to video games to music that “little old ladies” would like to the nature of dualism to curing depression. He fielded (!) all of those questions masterfully – so when he mentioned he had a book coming out – I knew I had to get it.

“Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies” is a fascinating, rambling, incredibly smart read. I first heard Chris Kluwe’s name in reference to the marriage equality debate (one of my hot button issues) – and when I read his letter to Emmett C. Burns Jr. Many people responded more to some of the words Kluwe used than the overarching point of his letter, and Kluwe addresses that in this book. “The swearing is there for a reason. What Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote, what I responded to, was far more disgusting and foul-minded than any simple scatological reference or genital mash-up. His words degraded the very essence of the English language with their barely hidden venom and intolerant hate; drag it screaming into the muck of iniquity by wrapping a mantle of seeming reasonableness around corruption and control; masquerade as discourse while screaming their very lies to any heaven to any heaven you care to name – I could go on. My words? My words are a litmus test for those who would see the truth of a message rather than the package it’s delivered in.”

Chris Kluwe is crazy smart. He is creative, articulate, thinks fast on his feet and has a core of beliefs that shine through everything he says.

He also writes beautifully. In the section entitled “The Rush” – his description of the process and experience of his day job – is very evocative, reading almost like poetry. “…as my left foot locks into the ground and all the muscles on my right lower side contract and then explode up through an expelled grunt of air, left arm fully outstretched to the sky, eyes never leaving the gold Wilson engraved on the side, though they’re not quick enough to actually see the moment of impact, and now I’m following through and time returns to normal again, an eternity of 1.2 seconds later.”

And when he talks about the sensation of reading a great book – it’s like he was pulling those thoughts and feelings straight from my own head. “The pure luxuriousness of reading a book in comfort is one of the greatest sensations in the world (sex is better, but only by a little bit). Curling up on an engulfing couch as snow drifts down outside, toes hidden beneath warm blankets; lying sideways on a cushioned chaise while cool sea breezes gently stir the sunny afternoon air; hiding under the covers with a flashlight while rain beats down outside, all of these anchored by a collection of thoughts and ideas bound together, alone in whatever world the author created. Such hedonistic delight in contemplation of the immaterial, the intangible. File under Satisfaction with Universe.”

I think the section that had the greatest impact on me (because this is another of my hot button issues) is “Bang Bang” – the essay he wrote on the day of Newtown. As a person, as a mother, that day was horrific for me. I couldn’t stop crying for those children, for those parents…and for the certainty that even though these were schoolchildren that were murdered, the NRA would not allow one single solitary thing to change in our country – and if they possibly could – they would make things even worse so that they could sell more guns and ensure more people would die. Kluwe, however, expresses his feelings of that day in bold and with many caps. He is angry, rightly so, as he maps out exactly what the gun fanatics would think and do after one of the darkest days in our country’s history. His letter to those who worship guns over human life is one of the most powerful I’ve ever read.

“Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies” is a book that made me think and laugh and learn. I loved reading it and I look forward to more books (and letters!) from Chris Kluwe.

2 people found this helpful

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MnMom

Enjoyed the writing style & profanity

Reviewed in the United States on July 5, 2013

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I enjoy Kluwe's writing style; that said, it would be really cool to see him write (1) fiction (which I would buy in a heartbeat since it would surely be hilarious), (2) something more about football. Granted, I'm sure the majority of people buying this book are not buying it expecting a Pat Summerall-like account of the Favre NFC championship game as viewed from the Punter's perspective (to the 20... to the 25... there's a flag on the play...).

The book is a series of somewhat random thoughts and essays - some of which were published previously as open letters and blog posts. The points are typically very valid, argued in an over the top fashion, laced with hilarious profanity. It covers the traditional political topics from Kluwe's perspective, with the occasional aside for other random topics (e.g. - time travel).

This was a little too political for me personally (granted that's largely why Kluwe is famous enough to write a book) - I was hoping for more of the "aside" topics & stories (which will hopefully be in the next one).

Thanks for everything you did for MN!

One person found this helpful

Helpful

N. Thee

Thought Provoking Toilet Reader

Reviewed in the United States on August 5, 2013

Verified Purchase

Quite simply put, I loved this book. If you're a fan of Chris Kluwe's off-the-field "work" then you'll certainly be a fan of this book. If you dislike Mr. Kluwe and, what he stands for as a human, you will most likely be annoyed with his writings. However, if you're open-minded and willing to look beyond yourself and what you KNOW to be right, you should feel somewhat enlightened after reading this book.

I call it a toilet reader because a typical chapter takes 3-5 minutes at most to read. Most of the chapters don't really tie into each other, so there isn't a theme you have to keep up with. It's mostly personal feelings and thoughts about society today. You can almost feel him just picking up his laptop and writing a chapter because it popped into his head.

I highly recommend reading this! I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. Cheers!

2 people found this helpful

Helpful

Robinson

Fun Read Addressing Numerous Subjects in a Vonnegut Style

Reviewed in the United States on July 22, 2013

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I am a Viking fan and, as a result, read many articles about Chris and his vocal support for marriage equality. Along with being a world-class athlete (even if he is a punter), he writes persuasively and coherently about his numerous interests (some outside football - especially politics). He is a modern day "Renaissance Man." The book is funny - but at times preachy. Like Vonnegut's work (Chris is a fan), the book is sprinkled with occasional chapters on science fiction, philosophy and song writing to keep it all interesting and fresh. I especially liked his chapter where he writes about "his hero" (go read it to find out for yourself - I ain't giving that one away).

The cursing and sexual references may give pause to more conservative readers - but it is nothing beyond Vonnegut or many contemporary writers........but don't buy this book for your 12 year old NFL Raider/Viking fan.

Based upon this book, Mr Kluwe has a bright future after the NFL. I hope to read more of his work in the future (when he writes it) and I hope he keeps it as entertaining and accessible as Sparkleponies. Maybe the great American novel is in his future. Chris appears to succeed in anything he tries to do - whwhy should such a novel be any different?

One person found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Randy Currie

One Star

Reviewed in Canada on March 6, 2018

Verified Purchase

Absolutely dreadful drivel, should find it's place adjacent to a toilet, and not for the purpose of reading.

Michael Anthony

Five Stars

Reviewed in Canada on December 8, 2014

Verified Purchase

This guy really cares. Give him a read.

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Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities Hardcover – Illustrated, June 25, 2013

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