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5 Things No One Tells You About Dying
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Lovely, functional, evocative and inspiring - a kind of shroud for the living
Reviewed in the United States on July 23, 2019
How does this book resonate? I can’t even count the ways. For me, BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger have woven a kind of shroud for the living – a lovely, pieced “cover so as to protect” (from shroud's Middle English root). They have covered the range of practical, emotional, spiritual and physiological guidance in preparing for our own end, and that of those we love. From large questions to ask about our own care plan, to specific spices and herbs to deal with taste changes with illness, to the range of natural reactions within the geography of grief, I found myself nodding, weeping, smiling, nodding. From their quilt of stories, I found myself wrapped in remembering those I’ve lost, some with time to prepare, others too suddenly. How helpful this protective cover would have been for my sister-in-law as she reckoned with leaving three young girls and my brother? For my friend and classmate at VCFA, a caregiver to his mother who absorbed that toll and died first? For my young patient-students and their families in a children’s hospital? How grateful, years later, to be reminded how my stepfather willed himself to wait until a bed opened up at the hospice center, days past his active dying began? (He didn't want to die in the bed our mother would be sleeping in.) People and memories cascaded throughout as I read, and I’m so grateful for this book’s careful, generous spirit, to allow those resonant gifts.I also found myself compelled to action. Why do I have all this crap in my house that I’ll “use someday”? Why haven’t I done more than prepare an advanced directive, like write a will by now, for Pete’s (and my siblings’) sake? (Finally called HR this morning about the ‘legal advice’ elective benefit I’ve been paying for so long.) How do I imagine my remains to be most useful, somehow, after I’m gone? (Biodegrading in a simple sack – where? - or mixed into concrete as a coral habitat in international waters, like a friend’s brother did, or spread over special soil, like the ‘cindres’ of my friend’s mother, that we cast over her childhood home in southern France? How long might I have to figure that one out?)And there’s the rub, the “bumping up against what [we] can’t necessarily command or comprehend,” as the authors say. Regardless, now we have the breathable, strong fabric of this book, all the insight and comprehension its authors share. It’s one of those books I’ll reread over time as I try to make the most of living at all. And I’ve found a book to give everyone I love, to pass on its protective layer, toward, as Browning put it, “the ends of being and ideal grace.”
Reviewed in the United States on July 23, 2019
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Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on November 26, 2022
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 23, 2019
I also found myself compelled to action. Why do I have all this crap in my house that I’ll “use someday”? Why haven’t I done more than prepare an advanced directive, like write a will by now, for Pete’s (and my siblings’) sake? (Finally called HR this morning about the ‘legal advice’ elective benefit I’ve been paying for so long.) How do I imagine my remains to be most useful, somehow, after I’m gone? (Biodegrading in a simple sack – where? - or mixed into concrete as a coral habitat in international waters, like a friend’s brother did, or spread over special soil, like the ‘cindres’ of my friend’s mother, that we cast over her childhood home in southern France? How long might I have to figure that one out?)
And there’s the rub, the “bumping up against what [we] can’t necessarily command or comprehend,” as the authors say. Regardless, now we have the breathable, strong fabric of this book, all the insight and comprehension its authors share. It’s one of those books I’ll reread over time as I try to make the most of living at all. And I’ve found a book to give everyone I love, to pass on its protective layer, toward, as Browning put it, “the ends of being and ideal grace.”
Lovely, functional, evocative and inspiring - a kind of shroud for the living
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 23, 2019
How does this book resonate? I can’t even count the ways. For me, BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger have woven a kind of shroud for the living – a lovely, pieced “cover so as to protect” (from shroud's Middle English root). They have covered the range of practical, emotional, spiritual and physiological guidance in preparing for our own end, and that of those we love. From large questions to ask about our own care plan, to specific spices and herbs to deal with taste changes with illness, to the range of natural reactions within the geography of grief, I found myself nodding, weeping, smiling, nodding. From their quilt of stories, I found myself wrapped in remembering those I’ve lost, some with time to prepare, others too suddenly. How helpful this protective cover would have been for my sister-in-law as she reckoned with leaving three young girls and my brother? For my friend and classmate at VCFA, a caregiver to his mother who absorbed that toll and died first? For my young patient-students and their families in a children’s hospital? How grateful, years later, to be reminded how my stepfather willed himself to wait until a bed opened up at the hospice center, days past his active dying began? (He didn't want to die in the bed our mother would be sleeping in.) People and memories cascaded throughout as I read, and I’m so grateful for this book’s careful, generous spirit, to allow those resonant gifts.Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 23, 2019
I also found myself compelled to action. Why do I have all this crap in my house that I’ll “use someday”? Why haven’t I done more than prepare an advanced directive, like write a will by now, for Pete’s (and my siblings’) sake? (Finally called HR this morning about the ‘legal advice’ elective benefit I’ve been paying for so long.) How do I imagine my remains to be most useful, somehow, after I’m gone? (Biodegrading in a simple sack – where? - or mixed into concrete as a coral habitat in international waters, like a friend’s brother did, or spread over special soil, like the ‘cindres’ of my friend’s mother, that we cast over her childhood home in southern France? How long might I have to figure that one out?)
And there’s the rub, the “bumping up against what [we] can’t necessarily command or comprehend,” as the authors say. Regardless, now we have the breathable, strong fabric of this book, all the insight and comprehension its authors share. It’s one of those books I’ll reread over time as I try to make the most of living at all. And I’ve found a book to give everyone I love, to pass on its protective layer, toward, as Browning put it, “the ends of being and ideal grace.”
Images in this review
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on August 26, 2022
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on January 16, 2022
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 26, 2022
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 27, 2019
First, of all, authors BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger thought of everything when they created this book, "A Beginners Guide To The End". The font is larger than average to accommodate our aging eyes. The tone for the book is casual with both authors talking directly to the reader. There are so many stories shared as examples, many taken directly from the author’s own personal experiences within their personal lives. Playfulness and humor is sprinkled through out the book which is not easy, but is so needed when working with such a taboo and difficult subject. This really and truly is a practical guide that walks you through the nitty gritty elements of aging and preparing for your final years.
“One mess that will keep on messing with your survivors has to do with billing accounts….It can take years to resolve it all. Really. Think of every frustrating call you’ve had with your cell provider, and then multiply it by ten, and you’ll get an idea.By calling these companies now and adding your partner to the account as a joint owner, you can make sure he or she will be feeling relieve instead of exasperation.”
I have been taking A Beginners Guide to the End to the beach and reading it in between playing in the waves with my family. It is not meant to be read in a dark room with a heavy heart. This is real advice given in a concise and playful manner.
Practical and Playful Guide to Preparing for Your Final Years
Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 27, 2019
This book.Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on July 27, 2019
First, of all, authors BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger thought of everything when they created this book, "A Beginners Guide To The End". The font is larger than average to accommodate our aging eyes. The tone for the book is casual with both authors talking directly to the reader. There are so many stories shared as examples, many taken directly from the author’s own personal experiences within their personal lives. Playfulness and humor is sprinkled through out the book which is not easy, but is so needed when working with such a taboo and difficult subject. This really and truly is a practical guide that walks you through the nitty gritty elements of aging and preparing for your final years.
“One mess that will keep on messing with your survivors has to do with billing accounts….It can take years to resolve it all. Really. Think of every frustrating call you’ve had with your cell provider, and then multiply it by ten, and you’ll get an idea.By calling these companies now and adding your partner to the account as a joint owner, you can make sure he or she will be feeling relieve instead of exasperation.”
I have been taking A Beginners Guide to the End to the beach and reading it in between playing in the waves with my family. It is not meant to be read in a dark room with a heavy heart. This is real advice given in a concise and playful manner.
Images in this review
