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Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors 1st Edition

4.5 out of 5 stars 182 customer reviews
ISBN-13: 978-0977704002
ISBN-10: 0977704009
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  • Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors
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Editorial Reviews

Review

The authors address the most pressing and challenging issues faced by parents of children with histories of disrupted attachments. --Sir Richard Bowlby, Attachment Advocate.
--Sir Richard Bowlby, Attachment Advocate.

Powerfully healing! The authors have written a profoundly insightful and absolutely critical book for parents and professionals.
--Stacey and Scott Annand - parents and advocates for healing families --Scott Annand, Parent and advocate for healing families

This book is brilliant! It lets parents know there is another way.
--Terry Chapman, adoptive mother --Terry Chapman, Adoptive mother

Powerfully healing! The authors have written a profoundly insightful and absolutely critical book for parents and professionals. --Stacey and Scott Annand - parents and advocates for healing families --Scott Annand, Parent and advocate for healing families

This book is brilliant! It lets parents know there is another way. --Terry Chapman, adoptive mother --Terry Chapman, Adoptive mother

About the Author

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, is the co-founder of the Beyond Consequences Institute. She is an internationally published author on the topics of adoptive motherhood, raising children with difficult and severe behaviors, and self development. Forbes lectures, consults, and coaches parents throughout the U.S., Canada, Europe, and Australia, with families in crisis working to create peaceful, loving families. She is passionate about supporting families by bridging the gap between academic research and "when the rubber hits the road" parenting. Much of her experience and insight into understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, developmental delays, and adoption-related issues stems from the direct mothering experience of her two internationally adopted children.
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 152 pages
  • Publisher: Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC; 1st edition (February 10, 2006)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0977704009
  • ISBN-13: 978-0977704002
  • Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6 x 0.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (182 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #14,597 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

By Jack E. Holt, III on November 13, 2006
Format: Paperback
I am both a lawyer and an adoptive parent. I have learned over the years to be skeptical of medical and psychological theories without a clear understanding of the supporting research.

Like one of the reviewers below, I am skeptical about some of the supporting explanations for behavior the authors advance. Unlike the authors, I suspect that the advice works because it addresses an adoptive child's fears and frustrations directly and openly (and not because it addresses the separation or birth trauma in the adoptive child). From my brief reading on the subject, the idea of trauma arising from the mere act of placing a newborn with someone other than his biological mother is certainly subject to debate. I confess, though, that a real criticism of the theoretical underpinning in the first chapter is beyond me. On the other hand, I would feel foolish contradicting it without more information.

Instead, I urge readers not to dismiss the rest of the book without further reflection. The advice given by the book is eye-opening and often very helpful. I found that it made good sense. So I gave it try. With our own adopted child, we have seen a night-and-day difference in his behavior which I believe directly reflects the efficacy of the book's general recommendations.

For myself, I tried to raise my adopted child with the "tough love" style that seemed to work with my oldest child and that my parents used on me. However, my adopted child often saw those approaches as rejection and separation from his family. He went so far as to regularly draw himself in crayon pictures so that he was completely isolated from his family.
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Format: Paperback
Which would you rather do: Control your child's behavior using threats, punishments, consequences, and "time outs;" or influence your child's heart so that they want to behave well out of love and sense of security and self-control? That's the question at the heart of this book. Forbes and Post focus primarily on how to bring healing to the hearts and minds of children who've experienced early-childhood trauma, but the paradigm that they build here can be helpful to any parent who dreads the next encounter with their kids.

In our house, with three children adopted at ages 7, 7, and 5, we lived through the effects of trauma, abandonment, and neglect on a daily basis. We tried all of the "logic" techniques, and the "magic" techniques that tried to establish control over our children. They all worked - for a while. Then the rages, the whining, the violent melt-downs would return with even greater force. When we discovered that the stress our children experienced in their first few years had an actual bio-physical impact on their brain development that made them hyper-sensitive to stress and unable to self-calm, a light bulb went off. Our attempts to control the children's behavior was actually adding to their stress and fear, and therefore amplifying the very problems we were trying to correct. Post and Forbes helped us to look beyond the veil of anger and recognize our children's fear, acted out in the things the would do. When we began responding to their fear instead of reacting to the behavior it brought about, we began to see dramatic healing.

This is a short book and easy to read. But it's hard to put into practice because it goes against so much of what we've learned from "common wisdom." The one thing that makes it worth it all is that it works!
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Format: Paperback
I loved this book! It really is amazing to bring everything back to Love versus Fear and being present with your child. It sounds so easy, but most people I observe don't do it regularly and well- even "great parents"! It has been huge learning to just be there for my daughter, to listen and really hear what she is saying instead of knee jerk-reacting! It has already affected my life inside and outside of my home and I know it will continue to be life changing if I continue to be aware and grow in these areas!

I heard Dr. Post speak and then I purchased the book. I knew right away that what they were saying made sense and not many others were saying it. I had done a lot of research and had listened to a lot of friends give advice, but parenting my daughter in those ways was not working and was not getting the same results as they were getting or that I even recall having when my mom and dad raised me!

I keep this book available to re-read and re-read. It is amazing how something so simple can get so difficult as we live out day to day life. I need these reminders! Also, Great examples!

Because I so loved this book I did some research and I also just completed a training with one of the authors Heather Forbes (and Eric Guy) of this model -My husband came with me and we both loved it and have been applying it not only to our relationship and interactions with our daughter but with each other.

Some of these principles in the book have given us instant positive results- I have never heard my daughter speak out the things that are overwhelming her so clearly or so soon, especially when the beginning of the sharing was her yelling at me that I was "so mean" for say, making her turn off a TV show.
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