"Rick Gualtieri brings something to the vampire genre that has not been seen before and I love it!"
"There are many parts throughout the series that had me cracking up"
"I would definitely suggest this to those who like raunchy, nerdy, vampire stories. As in, go read and/or listen to this! "
"This is freaking hilarious! "
"His quips and remarks remind me of Ash from Army of Darkness or Jack Burton from John Carpenters Big Trouble in Little China."
"The characters are amazing, the writing is solid, and the books have had me laughing out loud at times."
"This is one of the funniest thing I have ever read. I had tears running down my face. "
"I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating here, but it's been a while that I've been this excited after reading a first book in a new urban fantasy series."
"If this doesn't get turned into a movie I will give up on Hollywood forever."
From the Author
This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he doesn't really take this supernatural shit all that seriously. Action, adventure, and lots of laughs follow as Bill traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals.
Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them.
The complete Tome of Bill series includes (in order):
Bill the Vampire (book 1)
Night Stalker: a TOB series companion
Scary Dead Things (book 2)
The Mourning Woods (book 3)
Holier Than Thou (book 4)
Sunset Strip: a TOB series companion
Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5)
Half A Prayer (book 6)
The Wicked Dead (book 7)
The Last Coven (book 8)
The Tome of Bill series (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.
Bill's adventures are also now available in comic book form. Check out Bill The Vampire #1.
Some Tips for Surviving all those damned Vampires *
by Rick Gualtieri
Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for good fantasy. There's just one small catch. Having your throat actually torn out by a ravenous creature of the night is a bit less glamorous than Hollywood would have you believe. Here are my tips for avoiding a sucky fate at the hands of the undead.
- Avoid being where vampires are. Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover the basics first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they board up their windows at sundown. Note: this shouldn't be confused with places where the customers are sporting sparkly makeup and false fangs. You might want to stay away from those spots as well, but for entirely different reasons.
- Carry a vampire slaying kit. Much like burglars avoid homes guarded by angry Dobermans, most vamps prefer easy meals over opponents sporting weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Thus, you should never leave home without wooden stakes, a crucifix, holy water, a crossbow, machetes, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (bonus - also handy for werewolves).
- Hold on there, Jethro, won't that stuff get me arrested? Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a psych evaluation at the police station or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness? Yeah, I thought so. So either stop whining and step up or pour barbecue sauce on your neck and get it over with.
- Don't rely on garlic. Though a tasty ingredient, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. Most will steal it for their spice cabinet and then still bite you anyway. Also, running around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way to get labeled as a weirdo, ensuring you get ignored by everyone - except the vampires chasing you.
- Running water is a fool's errand. Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vampire is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Streams, creeks, or swimming pools, though, aren't gonna do much except get a vampire wet. This will do nothing to help your cause, unless you have a fetish for being killed by damp vamps. Hey, I don't judge.
- Only go out during the day. Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having fun at parties, clubs, and concerts, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit at home, locked up tight, and surrounded by anti-vampire defenses. Yeah, your so-called significant other might insist that you take them out for dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They're probably already thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy fate at the hands of their vampire overlords. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.
*legal disclaimer - don't actually do this