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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill Book 1) by [Gualtieri, Rick]
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Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill Book 1) Kindle Edition

4.3 out of 5 stars 408 customer reviews

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Length: 364 pages Word Wise: Enabled Audible Narration:
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Many times, I found myself smiling if not outright chuckling at the witty one-liners that his characters presented as well as the situations that they found themselves in as the story unfolded." - J.L. Whitehead from Examiner.com

From the Author

Welcome to The Tome of Bill - the series that drags the vampire genre out of the dark brooding crypt it's slept in these past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again.

This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he can't bring himself to take the supernatural all that seriously. Action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs follow at he traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals.

Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them.
The Tome of Bill currently includes (in order):
Bill the Vampire (book 1)
Scary Dead Things (book 2)
The Mourning Woods (book 3)
Holier Than Thou (book 4)
Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill
Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) 
Half A Prayer (book 6) 
The Wicked Dead (book 7) 
Shining Fury: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill

The Tome of Bill series (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.

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Some Tips for Surviving all those damned Vampires *
by Rick Gualtieri

Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy. There's just one small problem. Having your throat actually torn out by a ravenous creature of the night is a wee bit less glamorous than Hollywood would have you believe. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead.
  1. Avoid being where vampires are. Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover the basics first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they board up their windows at sundown. Note: this shouldn't be confused with places where the patronage are sporting sparkly makeup and false fangs. You may wish to stay out of those spots as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons.
  2. Carry a vampire slaying kit. Much like burglars avoid houses guarded by an angry Doberman, most vamps prefer easy meals over folks sporting weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Thus, you should never leave home without: wooden stakes, a crucifix, holy water, a crossbow, a machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (bonus - also handy for werewolves).
  3. Hold on there, Jethro, won't most of that stuff get me arrested? Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a jail cell psych evaluation or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness?  Yeah, that's what I thought. It's up to you to decide if you're gonna man up because otherwise you might as well pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with.
  4. Don't rely on garlic. For vampires anyway. Though a tasty ingredient, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. Most will steal it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, running around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way to get labeled as a weirdo, ensuring you get ignored by everyone - except maybe the vampires chasing you. 
  5. Running water is a fool's errand. Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vampire is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Streams, creeks, or swimming pools, though, aren't gonna do much except get a vampire wet. This will do nothing to help your cause, unless maybe you have a fetish for being killed by a damp vamp. Hey, we don't judge.
  6. Only go out during the day. Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having fun at parties, clubs, and concerts, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit at home, locked up tight and surrounded by anti-vampire paraphernalia. Yeah, a so-called significant other might occasionally insist that you take them out for dinner and a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy fate at the hands of their vampire overlords. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere.


*legal disclaimer - don't actually do this

Product Details

  • File Size: 2592 KB
  • Print Length: 364 pages
  • Publisher: Westmarch Publishing (January 10, 2014)
  • Publication Date: January 10, 2014
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0058I8A6K
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Not Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #3,218 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

By N. Valente on October 16, 2011
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Bill is not exactly Indiana Jones but he does manage to stumble his way to success in a similar manner. Albeit with much more swearing than Indy. Still, despite a tough start the character does build as the plot progresses, and gets strong enough that you forget that he and his friends are blood-thirsty killers. Written in a "Howard Stern" kind of voice, Bill dialog from brain-to-mouth with no filters, but still manages to deliver some very funny lines and gets more introspective as the story evolves. In the end he became fleshed-out enough for me to want to read the next tome about Bill. Sally, Bill's "frenimey", is witty, snarky and adds a great deal to the story, and in many ways is a more interesting character than Bill himself. I'm hoping his character matures past his current mental age of 13 in future books. All in all a great read, even for someone who really does not like Vampire books.
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If you're thinking of buying this, I strongly suggest trying the free sample first to see if it is to your taste. I thought this would be a book for geeks, by a geek. It's not.

Bill is not a nerd. Bill can't remember his D&D character class (battlemage or swordmage, hmmmm?). Bill buys nonexistent D&D books. Bill says things like Blade-the-vampire-hunter. Nobody says Blade-the-vampire-hunter. They just say Blade. Blade has three movies, and just how many other Blades can you think of exactly, Bill?

Bill is a jock. Bill calls women bitches, men dicks, and is more than a little homophobic. Bill thinks about rape a disturbing amount. Bill regularly gets really drunk. Bill thinks that his friend raving about finding a cool collectible is "psycho obsessive". Bill recognizes the machines in the gym. Bill punches people in the junk. Bill hates MIT.

In conclusion, the dialogue reads like a frat boy trying to imitate a nerd. To be fair, the dialogue improves somewhat about halfway through the book, when Bill's internal monologue features less. By improve, I mean that there's slightly less overt swearing and homophobia. The misogyny is still pretty strong.

Many of the characters sound more or less the same, to the point that different characters make the same "I just told you something untrue. Psych! It wasn't true after all. I gotcha, didn't I?" joke.

The Darkwing Duck line was funny. It's a pity that almost nothing else was.
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This book was really bad. The concept was pretty good, but the execution was really weak. I really think that it started to go off the rails at the introduction. You can't write an introduction about how easy it is to write comedy, then follow it up with a book that isn't funny. (And that whole bit about "if one person laughs, it's comedy"? I encourage you to set the bar a little higher.)
If a "you sucked on a guy so you're totally GAY" joke is funny to you, then you should get this book. If you expect more from your "humor" than somebody calling a woman a bitch over and over (and over and over and over and over,) this is not the book for you.
8 Comments 145 people found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No Sending feedback...
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What can I say about Bill the Vampire? ROTFLMAO! Imagine if you will, your local technically minded, slightly overweight individual (geek) gets turned into a vampire by a super hot chick (Bitch!) and then has to deal with a coven of vampires that looks like they just stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad. The lead vampire hates his guts and wants him out of the picture as soon as possible and the gal who turned him has an agenda all her own and won't give him the basic skills to survive as a vampire. Add to that the companionship of two equally strange roommates that nothing can faze, vampire rules that are completely different than what's been passed around and a vampire singeing Transformer and you have the strange tale of how Bill the vampire became Dr. Death!

Liberally greased with modern nerd in-jokes and a severe disrespect for "glittery" vampires, this book is the perfect vampire tale for the 21st century adult that needs a good laugh. Not your average vampire, Bill will become your new vampire friend with something funny to say in the middle of the worst possible situations.

There are only a few typos and incorrectly phrased sentences (due to spellcheck), but none of them are distracting enough to slow down or disturb the pace of the book. The characters are all fleshed out to a tee, and Bill and his roomies are hilarious. I can't wait to see what kind of high jinx Bill and Sally get into in the next book.

I received a free copy for review.
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Many of the jokes in the book revolve around how performing a blowjob on another man is worse than [insert current plot point here] (e.g. becoming a vampire, finding out your roommate is a vampire, etc.). When the character takes a break from juvenile homophobia, he tends to to switch to misogyny. Beyond that, the main character is the Holden Caulfield of douches. Just about everyone he meets or thinks about (with the exception of characters he wants to have sex with, who instead get called Bitch!) are called out as douches, by the Vampire King of Douches himself, the main character Bill. Generally, I like what the author is attempting to do with a modern vampire who is not a moody teenager, but he does it in an offhandedly insulting way with some of the jokes he chooses/repeats. I thoroughly enjoyed the nerd-based humor, but, to me, it did not outweigh the barrage of gay/sexist jokes.
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