What prompted my purchase was me, hitting rock bottom. ‘Twas Christmas just over 2 months ago, and ‘twas last week, when I was taking down my Christmas decorations, and jamming my artificial tree back into its sad box, that I realized I had no efficient way to remove the pine needles from the carpet in my living room. Down on my hands and knees with purple duct tape, I realized, this was no way to live. 20 minutes later, I had discovered that some 5-star vacuums do not cost $400 as I had naively believed, and I ordered a brand new purple vacuum to be delivered directly to my door a mere 3 days later. That day was today. And today was glorious.
Beware. The vacuum is delivered in pieces. You will need a screwdriver. (Or a tequila sunrise if you prefer.) At first, I felt frustration at the lack of detail in the user’s manual, but I soon forgave Bissell, as I realized one should never start putting a machine together without first realizing there are more instructions as you flip the page. I managed to put the entire vacuum together. By myself. Because I’m an accomplished adult. Who can read.
I am amazed at what this vessel can suck out of the ground on which we walk inside our homes. My life has been forever changed. This Bissell proves that my mother was right. Vacuuming DOES matter. My entire adult life, I believed that vacuuming was a hilarious joke between true adults to keep children busy and quiet for 15 minutes a week. Had I been properly educated in Family and Consumer Science in middle school, I would fully understand the importance of vacuum cleaners instead of how to sew a pillow. I have yet to make another pillow outside of the 7th grade, and I have no plans to spend any free time doing so. I do however, plan to vacuum on a regular basis for the rest of my life.
These pictures should be used to scare kids straight. Like the “Meth Makes You Ugly” campaign. It works because oh my God, look at those pictures. Those are the “halfway done with my room” and the “all the way done with my room” pictures. I now know that waiting a year and a half to vacuum is equivalent to procrastinating for a year and a half on anything that you should definitely do more often, because well, look at those pictures.
I can’t believe I used to make my friends take their shoes off when they came over. I can’t believe I have done yoga on that floor. (Who am I kidding? I can’t believe my friends and I have sat around in a circle drinking and playing Cards Against Humanity on that floor). I have never been so impressed with a product that I put my binge watching of Parks and Recreation on hold, simply to write a review and let the world in on a secret. The secret wonder that is the Bissell.
I even used the hose attachment to vacuum the stairs and it works beautifully. (I will have to find some other product for the mysterious caramel stain, but with my newfound confidence in adulting, I think I can handle it.) With my Rapunzel locks, it was clear that I needed to clean out the now hair-coated brush, and like the champion I now am, I successfully took apart the hose attachment, cleaned out 18 months worth of hair that used to be attached to my head, and put it back together again. Like a world class Humpty Dumpty. Granted, it fell apart on accident while I attempted to remove the hair, but that did not thwart my success in restoring the attachment to its original state.
I am in love with my new vacuum, and I am excited about our blossoming relationship, which I can only hope is just the beginning of a mutually rewarding partnership in life. Just in time for Valentine’s Day.
Thank you Bissell and God Bless America.
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