I love this book. I bought the hard copy and the the kindle edition to keep on my phone. Reading it helped me think about people in ways that are more generous and kind to people in general. It also helped me think about how I react to others in general. I don't reread a lot of books, but I try to reread this one at least once a year.
If you are frustrated with your relationships, the people you work with, or even just the people in line at the store, READ THIS BOOK!
One of the main principles:
"Others will detect little clues of tone and expression, revealing how we really feel, even when we take pains to pretend otherwise....[T]hey're not likely to respond gratefully, but more likely to accuse us in return. And then we, in turn, will take offense, convince by their accusing response to us that we were right to accuse them in the first place!"
It all goes back to the golden rule. If we treat people well and with genuine good will and charity in our hearts, they will react to us in kind. We can all take a few seconds to give someone the benefit of the doubt before accusing them of being out to get us as they cut us off in traffic, say something hurtful, or do something we don't like or understand.
I actually had a major chance to apply these principles recently.
I was in a bad car accident recently because someone dropped a queen size mattress on the freeway and I had to slam on my brakes and was rear ended. I was so mad at the stupid idiot who didn't take the time to properly secure their load and obviously didn't care about others. When the mattress owners showed up to pick up their mattress, not knowing they had caused an accident, they were a young married couple who probably didn't know that much about properly securing loads on a borrowed truck. Although there were consequences that needed to be faced, I was not killed or seriously injured, and I had been judging them as though they had intentionally dropped the mattress maliciously. I realized that I was wrong to think of them in that way. It was an accident. Everyone involved had insurance, and they probably learned a very valuable lesson from the experience.
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Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves Hardcover – September 1, 2001
by
C. Terry Warner
(Author)
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Life can be sweet. Our relationships with friends, spouses, colleagues, and family members can be wonderfully rewarding. They can also bring heartache, frustration, anxiety, and anger. We all know the difference between times when we feel open, generous and at ease with people versus times when we are guarded, defensive, and on edge.
Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them?
Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others. (How many times have you said, "You're making me mad?")
Even though we fear to admit this, it is good news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what this remarkable book teaches.
Because the key is seeing truthfully, the book itself is therapeutic. As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives, you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships. This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive. You will feel your heart changing even as you read.
"It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives," writes author C. Terry Warner. "Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive, honest, and discerning condition that will enable us, any of us, to find these truths on our own."
Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves, and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey.
Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them?
Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others. (How many times have you said, "You're making me mad?")
Even though we fear to admit this, it is good news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what this remarkable book teaches.
Because the key is seeing truthfully, the book itself is therapeutic. As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives, you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships. This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive. You will feel your heart changing even as you read.
"It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives," writes author C. Terry Warner. "Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive, honest, and discerning condition that will enable us, any of us, to find these truths on our own."
Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves, and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey.
- Print length336 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherShadow Mountain
- Publication dateSeptember 1, 2001
- Dimensions6 x 1.5 x 9.5 inches
- ISBN-101573459194
- ISBN-13978-1573459198
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About the Author
Dr. C. Terry Warner holds a Ph.D. from Yale University and is a professor of philosophy at Brigham Young University. He has been a visiting senior member of Linacre College, Oxford University, and in 1979 founded The Arbinger Institute, a widely respected group that devotes itself to helping organizations, families, and individuals. He and his wife, Susan, have ten children.
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Product details
- Publisher : Shadow Mountain; 32640th edition (September 1, 2001)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 336 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1573459194
- ISBN-13 : 978-1573459198
- Item Weight : 1.45 pounds
- Dimensions : 6 x 1.5 x 9.5 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #70,008 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #488 in Emotional Self Help
- #545 in Communication & Social Skills (Books)
- #1,449 in Happiness Self-Help
- Customer Reviews:
Customer reviews
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4.7 out of 5
366 global ratings
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Reviewed in the United States on February 20, 2016
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19 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on July 20, 2017
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I have read and reread this book, and need to read it again. It is beyond my ability to describe the changes it can make in your heart and in your relationships. I have already given away a few copies, and this one will go as a gift to someone very special in my family. I recommend this to anyone who has ever wondered what they can do to enhance their relationships, relate better to all those they interact with or learn to forgive past hurts. It does not, contrary to what a few reviewers have said, suggest that we become doormats or victims in any relationship, but read thoroughly and completely it empowers us to grow stronger and become part of the solution. After reading this I picked up Leadership and Self-Deception, Anatomy of Peace and the Outward Mindset by the Arbinger Institute, which C. Terry Warner helped to create. They fit beautifully with Bonds That Makes Us Free
12 people found this helpful
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5.0 out of 5 stars
Powerful & Profound; 10 years later and I still consider this book the jumpstart of my transformation
Reviewed in the United States on March 14, 2017Verified Purchase
This is my FAVORITE relationship book I've ever read. It has changed my life in powerful ways, and I continue to use it as a resource and recommend it to anyone asking for ways to find greater peace in their lives and relationships. I learned so much about myself, and so much about how to find greater happiness and love with the people I interact with. The author is gifted with an ability to share stories and experiences that I related to, and I found myself having numerous lightbulb moments of understanding with ways to change my own behavior, thoughts, and feelings allowing me to have a happier life and relationships. I didn't know how much I needed this book when I began reading it, but it changed my life for good and has continued to be a strong foundation for the joy and freedom I experience today. I consider this book as a more in-depth version of The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception. It's a life-changer!
8 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on May 16, 2018
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I love this book and how it opened my eyes to my relationships and more importantly, how I respond to outside circumstances. It teaches how to effectively make the changes that will bring more control to your life, better relationships and made me happier. I couldn't recommend it more!
At first, it felt like it was repetitive, but each lesson added nuances to situations and helped me to see myself more clearly. It was hard to do that without seeing some of the control and change encouragement along the way in the first half, but truly changed my life for the good! I think I went through an entire highlighter and will read this book again- and I never reread books! I also listened on audiobook.
Last, I got this to help me learn more about codependency and how to change it. I learned the skills I was lacking and didn't feel a need for a therapist after learning this. What a blessing!
At first, it felt like it was repetitive, but each lesson added nuances to situations and helped me to see myself more clearly. It was hard to do that without seeing some of the control and change encouragement along the way in the first half, but truly changed my life for the good! I think I went through an entire highlighter and will read this book again- and I never reread books! I also listened on audiobook.
Last, I got this to help me learn more about codependency and how to change it. I learned the skills I was lacking and didn't feel a need for a therapist after learning this. What a blessing!
7 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on May 3, 2015
Verified Purchase
I received this book as a gift - and wow - what a gift. There are self-help books and then there are books like this that illuminate issues at their roots. This isn't a book about action plans, 1, 2, 3 and you're all better, your life is optimized. It's a hard look at doing the right thing and at what happens when we don't do the right thing; how we start blaming and shaming others as an unconscious cover up for not doing what we knew was the right thing and how this circles out of control until we have lives filled with unhappy human encounters that don't encompass what we crave most - connection. No - this book is not your typical self-help book. I highly recommend it. Learning to evaluate our own self-betrayal and how that is at the root of our ill-fated interactions with people and NOT their behavior is a huge leap for human consciousness. I can't praise it enough. A beautiful piece of work.
13 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries
Seaman
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great for those willing to better themselves for all around them
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 9, 2018Verified Purchase
It's hard to be honest with yourself & you'll need to go back to it time and again, but such an eye opener for those that want to open their eyes. Not too preachy either.
Rosemarie S
5.0 out of 5 stars
Excellent book on self-accountability
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 19, 2009Verified Purchase
I bought this book after buying
Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box
and
The Anatomy of Peace.: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
. I think it is wonderful, it complements the other two books beautifully.
These are fact-based books on the benefits of being authentic and realistic in communications. About releasing efforts to control and truly working with people. Nothing spiritual or new-agey, just good basic communications and psychology principles. Great for improving all relationships at home or at work.
I also recommend the centre for non-violent communications principles in Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others or Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real .
These are fact-based books on the benefits of being authentic and realistic in communications. About releasing efforts to control and truly working with people. Nothing spiritual or new-agey, just good basic communications and psychology principles. Great for improving all relationships at home or at work.
I also recommend the centre for non-violent communications principles in Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others or Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real .
3 people found this helpful
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Jose Luis Gil
5.0 out of 5 stars
wonderful book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 26, 2018Verified Purchase
a great help
Andrew Scragg
5.0 out of 5 stars
great book worth a read
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 6, 2015Verified Purchase
Book came in the condition described, great book worth a read!
Emily Atkins
5.0 out of 5 stars
Very interesting
Reviewed in Australia on December 18, 2020Verified Purchase
Really beneficial book, not like other relationship books that focus on the skill of communication but instead the intention of communication. Really enjoyed. It is a little complex on places, used some technical jargon but not enough that I felt I didn’t understand it.
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