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Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves Hardcover – September 1, 2001
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Why do we get trapped in negative emotions when it's clear that life is so much fuller and richer when we are free of them?
Bonds That Make Us Free is a ground-breaking book that suggests the remedy for our troubling emotions by addressing their root causes. You'll learn how, in ways we scarcely suspect, we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others. (How many times have you said, "You're making me mad?")
Even though we fear to admit this, it is good news. If we produce these emotions, it falls within our power to stop them. But we have to understand our part in them far better than we do, and that is what this remarkable book teaches.
Because the key is seeing truthfully, the book itself is therapeutic. As you read and identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives, you will find yourself reflecting with fresh honesty upon your relationships. This will bond you to others in love and respect and lift you out of the negative thoughts and feelings that have held you captive. You will feel your heart changing even as you read.
"It would not be accurate to describe this book as supplying the truths upon which we must build our lives," writes author C. Terry Warner. "Instead it shows how we can put ourselves in that receptive, honest, and discerning condition that will enable us, any of us, to find these truths on our own."
Finding these truths is the key to healing our relationships and coming to ourselves, and Bonds That Make Us Free starts us on that great journey.
- Print length336 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherShadow Mountain
- Publication dateSeptember 1, 2001
- Dimensions6 x 1.5 x 9.5 inches
- ISBN-101573459194
- ISBN-13978-1573459198
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- Publisher : Shadow Mountain; 32640th edition (September 1, 2001)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 336 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1573459194
- ISBN-13 : 978-1573459198
- Item Weight : 1.6 pounds
- Dimensions : 6 x 1.5 x 9.5 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #123,021 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #469 in Emotional Self Help
- #613 in Communication & Social Skills (Books)
- #1,657 in Happiness Self-Help
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We have pondered the problem of why we don't do what we know we should do from the time of the early Greek philosophers, who dubbed the problem one of akrasia. In modern parlance, it's often referred to as "weakness of will". St. Paul put the problem succinctly when he wrote plaintively: "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." Romans 7:15 (NRSV). Within the Christian tradition, St. Augustine took up this problem, and he's credited as the first thinker to identify and wrestle with the problem of the will.
Thus intrigued, I bought the book. I pondered further the subtitle "getting out of the box". What the box was, I did not know, but that mystery was intriguing, along with the fact that the author was not an individual. I bought and read the book, and I was taken. I was taken because I recognized myself in it. Rather than being a recipe book about six steps to better leadership or a 12-step program to avoid self-deception, the book was a collection of vignettes about people and relationships. The vignettes presented problems in personal relations that were easily recognizable. The book suggests that the root of these interpersonal relationship problems come from self-deception, and self-deception puts us "in the box". In the box, our view of others becomes distorted and leads to mistreatment of them.
That's the book in a nutshell. This is a business book and therefore there are no footnotes. It's a quick and easy read. In addition, it served to pique my curiosity about where this came from. It seemed quite insightful. I decided to investigate further.
In the age of the Internet, I got online and looked it up the Arbinger Institute. I discovered that they offer information about their analysis and how one can avoid the pitfalls of self-deception. (The book explains this, also). I learned that the person behind this intriguing perspective and the unassuming, but very deep thinking behind it was a man named C. Terry Warner. Checking on his background, I learned that he had a Ph.D. in philosophy from Yale, that he had spent time at Linacre College at Oxford University, and that he taught at BYU. The website also linked to a short paper by Warner that outlined his thoughts in a more analytical way than it's set forth in Leadership and Self-Deception. While I had little doubt about the quality the insights, I did have a great deal of curiosity about how he came to his insights. The paper I read provides some hint at analytical framework that Warner developed into these insights.
Some extended quotations from the paper:
We human beings have little comprehension of what we are. The difficulty is not that we are ignorant. It's that we are self-deceiving. We systematically keep ourselves from understanding ourselves. We don't do this deliberately. In order to do it deliberately we would, Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote, "We'd have to know the truth very exactly in order to conceal it [from ourselves] more carefully." Instead, we do it by means of sin - by going against our honest feelings of what's right and wrong for us to do.
. . . .
It's impossible to betray oneself without seeking to excuse or justify oneself.
. . . .
Whether childishly rationalizing his moral failures or self-righteously claiming to be morally superior, the self-betrayer is blaming others and excusing or justifying himself. He can consider himself in the clear only if he can successfully find fault in others for what he is thinking or doing. There is no way around this. There's no way of betraying oneself without living a lie - no possibility of sinning in a straightforward, guileless, and open manner. This can be seen by considering the solution to a version of a puzzle well known to the ancient Greeks. The puzzle is this: immorality - what I'm calling "self-betrayal" and "sin" seems impossible. It seems impossible than anyone could know in his own mind what is morally right for him to do and yet not do it. When we experience a genuine prompting of conscience (there is such a thing as false or distorted conscience, and I'll get to that later), way are in that moment obligated: we are requiring of ourselves the course of action it prescribes. (I'm not saying the prompting cannot originate from a source outside ourselves, but only that whatever its ultimate origin, when we experience it we recognize and accept its validity for us.) There is no room for wondering whether we ought to follow this course. In the very reception of a moral summons, we feel we ought to follow it. But if this is so, what sense can it make to say that we require this course of action of ourselves in the very moment and by the very act of refusing to comply with the requirement? What sort of self-requirement is that? None at all, the tradition has said. Either (1) we don't really understand the requirement, or (2) we aren't really making it of ourselves, or (3) we lack the power or opportunity to comply with it. But the fourth alternative, that we are acting immorally--requiring moral action of ourselves in and by the very act of violating the requirement--seems to make no sense at all.
Yet we do make a more requirement of ourselves in by this kind of act. We do it by carrying out the refusal in such a way that it seems to us that we are doing the very best we can under the circumstances. We make the moral requirement of ourselves by denying that we doing what we are doing. In short, we do it by hypocrisy. The hypocrisy acknowledges, in a backhanded way, the rightness of what we are not doing. Paul wrote that when we violate the law of God written in our hearts, we "consent unto the law that it is good" (ROM. 7:16). Someone who is straightforwardly doing what seems to him right has no cause to excuse or justify himself; and someone who isn't doing what seems right to him shows that he does have such a cause. In the words of La Rochefoucauld "hypocrisy is vice's tribute to virtue."
We are deceived by this hypocrisy of ourselves because it and the self-betrayal are the same event. We do not first betray ourselves and then, following a moment in which we recognize that we've got something to hide, act as if it is someone else's fault. If this were what happened, we could perhaps hang on to the momentary, accurate knowledge we had about ourselves and thereby keep ourselves from slipping into the lie, but that's not what happens. The self-betrayal and the lie we live do not come in sequence. They are two sides of the same act, for as we've seen the betrayal wouldn't be possible unless it were alive from the first moment. Blaming others and making it seem that were doing our best in spite of them is the way we betray ourselves.
. . . .
It is important to understand that emotions are always involved in the self-betrayers lie. It would not be the same if we merely told ourselves a lie. We would not be able to get ourselves to believe it.
. . . .
This point enables us to understand what's really going on when individuals profess, as they sometimes do, to know full well that there what they're doing find that they're doing wrong and continue to do it anyway. They are "intellectually "or verbally admitting to the truth, but emotionally base are still caught up in the lie. Everyone knows this who has experienced the deep sorrow of repentance: it is an emotion that's worlds apart from the self-betrayer's anxiety or guilt.
Collusion
Accusing others means making ourselves out to be the victim. We're not responsible for what's going on because we're helpless in the face of what we're doing. We feel unjustly used by them - wronged, threatened, or disadvantaged. Feelings of psychological and emotional victimhood are telltale signs of self-betrayal.
. . . .
One of our dominant, almost unexamined fictions is that we are not responsible for emotions. They are caused in us, we believe, by events outside of our control. Recently this dogma has been undergoing re-examination, and it is becoming increasingly clear that it is false. Accusing emotions are performances in which we engage. In the history of a particular people, patterns of emotion evolve as do patterns of rhetoric. They arise, flourish, and become extinct. Yet the metaphor dogmatically persists that such emotions are injuries because we invoke it anew whenever we compromise ourselves. (For example, if were angry with someone we cannot fail to believe that that person is making us angry.)
This dogma is the core of every self-betrayer's self-deception.
As you can see read from the extensive quotations I've included, this is pretty strong stuff. It challenges us. It strikes at our normal assumptions. I don't have to think outside the bounds my own experience to identify innumerable times when I rushed to claim the mantle of victimhood. (In addition, really, when you think about it, who the hell would rationally want to be a victim?) However, we do want to be the victim for the reasons that Warner argues. I saw way too much that was way too familiar in this paper to walk away at this point. But the paper, like the Arbinger Institute books and Warner's book Bonds That Make Us Free (which I'm coming to) spend a limited amount of time and analysis on the background of the theory. In fact, at the end of this paper, he lists some sources that he reports influenced his line of thinking. Warner writes:
When I set out to solve certain conceptual problems that recur in the human sciences and in philosophy, I discovered, gradually, the important things I finally prepared myself to say had been said before--some in Eastern religious texts, some in Western authors such as certain Christian mystics and Shakespeare and Kierkegaard, some in the commonplace wisdom of guileless people in many communities, but all of it better and shown in the Hebrew, Christian, and Latter-Day Saints Scriptures. Without having it as a prior aim, I've come to feel that my work is to convey something of the power of the Scriptures to those who do not know them, and endeavored it that admittedly loses important elements in the translation.
Though I am by no means the first to make these claims, it seems worthwhile to keep repeating them: our ignoble desires are not ultimately derived from an ignoble nature, and our anxieties are not the result of being unable to make ourselves whatever we are striving to be. These desires and anxieties stem from our betrayal of what we really are, from our refusal to love, from an exercise of our agency that ties that agency in knots--in short, from sin. If we are emotionally troubled, it's not because we were created to be that way but because we have betrayed, perverted, denied what we were created to be. The condition of our liberation from unwanted desires and anxieties is our responsiveness, in love, to what others need from us, and to the supreme loving act that makes our love possible.
Having read the paper cited from above and Leadership and Self-Deception, I was certainly hooked as a matter of intellect and, I hope, converted (if you will) to his way of thinking. Whether I reflect it in my actions is hard to say, except to the extent I've acted the better for it in any degree, it has been at best imperfectly. Of late, I've had occasion to think about my relationships and those of others, and I took up once again the book that I discovered Warner had written before the Arbinger Institute books came out. I bought a hard copy and read it, and recently (thank goodness for Kindle), I was able to re-read it and contemplate it anew. This re-reading led to this review
Bonds That Make Us Free (a wonderfully ironic title that reflects a deep truth) should first of all be described by what it is not: it is not a philosophy book or self-help book, at least in any usual sense. It is a book primarily about people and their relationships. Much of it comes from first-hand accounts of people with whom Warner has worked. He's obviously worked with a great number of people in applying these insights. In this way, Warner is a philosopher in the deepest sense of the word in that is analytical abilities are turned to building a better way of life. He embodies what care how Pierre Hadot has called "philosophy as a way of life". This book is full of stories of people and their relationships, with relatively little analysis and only fleeting reference to well-known figures. Tolstoy, Pascal, C.S. Lewis, T.S. Eliot, and Kierkegaard all get passing mentions or the briefest of quotes, but that's it. This is not a philosophy book. However, there is one figure who Warner did not mention in the article cited above, but who receives repeated reference in this book (although not in any kind of philosophical explication). That thinker is Martin Buber, a German-Jewish intellectual who in 1923 wrote a book that was translated in English as I andThou. (The translation I and Thou is controversial and considered by many to be a mistranslation. For Warner's purposes at it should be translated as I and You.) Buber's book (which I know by reputation only--add to the list) argues that there are two ways of relating to others: either is a You or an It. Buber suggests that with others the You relationship is best. One can imagine how well this fits into Warner's thinking. It is by treating others as an It that we can allow ourselves to sneak into self-betrayal.
The book's many vignettes offer opportunities for Warner to elucidate his insights and to answer questions that most readers will have. Because it is not a comprehensive work of philosophy, but a practical effort to provide insight into our actions, it does not seek to extend or delimit the work as a body of theory. Nevertheless, Warner answers every easy objection to his insights that a person might initially bring forth.
This book is for anyone. Although a Mormon, Warner's religious beliefs don't intrude upon or limit his theories. Whether one is Mormon, Christian, or nonbeliever, I believe Warner's insights will still prove deeply insightful. (The fact that he can quote Jean-Paul Sartre and benefit from Sartre's insights suggests that Warner's mind is open. Also, although treated only toward the end of the book and briefly, Warner freely acknowledges his religious background and how it ultimately roots his thinking. In the paper, he also understands that some will have a skeptical attitude because of his religious faith.
So, to whom do I recommend this book? Anyone who seeks deeper insights into his or her relationships with others. Given that we are human beings--and perhaps only truly human--when we are in relationships with others, this means everyone. It is not difficult book to read. It's relatively easy reading. The only hard part is when you see yourself and your loved ones in the tales that others tell of themselves in the many vignettes. Some of this is hard. Hard in the way that we have to look at ourselves in the mirror in the morning. It's not always a pretty sight, but by doing so we see ourselves as we are, and perhaps can make some improvements. I gave this book a five star rating on Amazon because I think it has the potential to change our ways of being in the world, and that's the highest compliment you can give to a book
The easy part is reading the book. It's tougher (sometimes painful) when you fully see how you're contributing to the issues you're upset about. It's a lifelong journey to catch yourself as you're doing it and change the outcome. Truly one of the more impactful books I've read and honestly one that could have saved a few relationships on my journey.
I have read the book many times however before I read it the first time, on another persons recommendation, I read the following books in this order `I don't have to make everything all better', `Leadership and self deception: getting out of the box' then `The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the heart of conflict' and lastly as mentioned `The bonds that set us free'. Reading these books has changed my life. My favourite is the `The bonds that set us free' it's the one that sits next to my bed so I can keep reminding myself that, I control my life, happiness is my choice and this has made me a better person for myself to live with and for others. I must say the first 3 books prepared me for the message of `The bonds that set us free'. I have 4 children who are married and I bought 4 sets of the 4 books for them.
Unlike the negative reviewers who say the book is about letting others hurt you, allowing others to walk all over you, not for victims of abuse, etc, I have found the book has taught me the opposite. It has taught me that no one has ultimate control over me and my life and that I can be happy. Yes, we do get abused and there are bad things that happen to us that we don't have control over however if we keep blaming that situation or person, if we keep mulling over it, if we keep referring back to it for all our woes we are forever giving control/power over to the abuser or situation. In other words, we allow them or the situation to keep on controlling us and, as the book says, we thus relieve ourselves of our responsibilities for happiness and then to prove how bad the person or situation was we may actively seek to make ourselves unhappy or ruin our lives as proof of how bad it was (I can relate to that).
Now I just don't buy into other peoples behaviour, reactions, etc. and I especially don't put up with my own fears, thoughts, low self esteem and desires to behave badly, etc. I pinpoint what is making me feel negative, edgy, nervous, etc because I know it must be because I am blaming someone for something, a situation coming up, or I want someone else to do something without the need of me asking them. I now know I start my unhappiness in my head and now I can fix it in my head by letting it go or doing what I feel I should do. That then can be asking someone to do something, doing it myself because I feel I should do it, or just letting a feeling go because it is really a nothing- it is me, my weaknesses, that is making it such a big thing. This is a very truncated view you really need to read/study the book; the real message for me is that I feel the book has taught me that I now have a choice, an out of the box choice, for what I do next, my choice, in any situation.
I believe this book is for everybody who wants to find happiness however I don't think everyone is willing to accept the message about who is responsible when it comes to happiness.
Top reviews from other countries
These are fact-based books on the benefits of being authentic and realistic in communications. About releasing efforts to control and truly working with people. Nothing spiritual or new-agey, just good basic communications and psychology principles. Great for improving all relationships at home or at work.
I also recommend the centre for non-violent communications principles in Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others or Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real .









