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Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life Hardcover – November 2, 1992

4.7 out of 5 stars 24,601 ratings

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Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator -- Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.

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Editorial Reviews

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In order to call themselves good Christians, many people have drawn overly flexible boundaries (unwilling to say no, always accommodating others' needs) or overly rigid boundaries (to the point of being righteous and judgmental). Psychologists and inspirational speakers Cloud and Townsend show readers how to set reasonable boundaries in order to follow the true path of Christianity. This book has become immensely popular, most likely because it makes personal boundaries easier to define and is filled with spiritual purpose. Some cautions: the format can be overly self-helpish for such a complex discussion and the authors at one point imply that judicious spankings may be an acceptable form of setting boundaries with children. However, many Christians will probably find themselves grateful for this biblical context of boundaries. --Gail Hudson

Review

'Boundaries define everything from football fields to nation-states, yet our culture has pretended it could violate boundaries in human relationships without serious consequences. Cloud and Townsend examine the damage caused by this flawed view and point the way back.' -- Cal Thomas, Author

'Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have great insights and practical wisdom into the God-given gift of boundaries. As they discuss how to take responsibility for and ownership of our lives, they give hope that we cannot just survive -- but thrive!' -- Josh McDowell, Author

'This book is going to provide a doorway of understanding and freedom for those of us who have allowed ourselves to be buried in the inability to say no. Thank you once again, Henry and John, for helping us toward freedom.' -- Rich Buhler, Author

'In this insightful and extremely helpful book, you will learn about a simple concept that can change your life: healthy boundaries. It's the ability to mark off your life in such a way that you multiply your love for others and minimize the problems you face. And it's waiting for you when you open this book I highly recommend.' -- John Trent, PhD, President

'I've heard a myriad of sermons on Christian servanthood that never discussed the value of saying 'NO!' in order to confront in love or to provide space to recharge the batteries. 'Boundaries' is the 'Untold Story' -- the other side of love and servanthood that we need so desperately but that we hear so little about.' -- Howard G. Hendricks, Chairman

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Zondervan
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ November 2, 1992
  • Edition ‏ : ‎ Revised
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 304 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0310585902
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0310585909
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.05 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.26 x 1.1 x 9.29 inches
  • Best Sellers Rank: #993,795 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 out of 5 stars 24,601 ratings

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4.7 out of 5 stars
24,601 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book easy to understand and packed with useful information, particularly appreciating its guidance on creating healthy personal boundaries and its use of real-life stories to teach the message. Moreover, the book helps readers better understand their control over themselves and organize their lives. However, the religious content receives mixed reactions, with some finding it biblically based while others consider it too religious. Additionally, opinions on value for money are divided, with some saying it's worth the price while others find it a waste of money.

780 customers mention "Readability"725 positive55 negative

Customers find the book easy to read and understand.

"Great book, this is my second buy. I gave the first to a coworker...." Read more

"...So essential we have boundaries in our relationships. A great book to also give to a friend or your children. Easy to read and understand...." Read more

"Excellent book w wealth of knowledge and insight" Read more

"Great read and useful strategies to share with others" Read more

635 customers mention "Information quality"623 positive12 negative

Customers find the book packed with wonderful information and instructive, describing it as one of the most life-changing books they've read.

"It was very helpful. I have a long way to go, but I feel I have the ground work. I feel more secure with setting boundaries" Read more

"...Generally I have found them to be helpful and insightful. But this one stands out, and not in a good way. This book is written by two psychologists...." Read more

"...Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend provide practical and compassionate guidance for anyone struggling to set boundaries in their personal or..." Read more

"...I’m going to re-read it, as it was that insightful and study it further." Read more

236 customers mention "Boundaries"229 positive7 negative

Customers find the book helpful in defining personal boundaries, particularly for those who struggle with setting them. One customer notes that the principles of boundaries are applicable to every relationship.

"...well written and gives specific information towards creating and keeping boundaries...." Read more

"This is the best book on boundaries I've ever read. I have had boundary issues all of my life but am finally learning at age 66...." Read more

"The clarity and excellent presentation of the meaning and importance of boundaries in this book was truly helpful...." Read more

"...I will say that I have more dog-eared paged in BOUNDARIES, then I do in any other book I’ve ever owned...." Read more

67 customers mention "Relatability"57 positive10 negative

Customers find the book relatable and thought-provoking, appreciating how it uses stories to teach its message.

"...The group discussion from these first two chapters was thought provoking and I believe very helpful to most of the members of our group...." Read more

"...Lots of practical info and stories." Read more

"...I would have missed out if I had. It was a real eye opener to when I had worked, and packed with wonderful information if I ever decided to return..." Read more

"...Well written, anecdotal and interesting. It was also delivered on time, and in brand new condition!" Read more

62 customers mention "Pacing"55 positive7 negative

Customers appreciate the book's pacing, with individual reviews highlighting its positive impact on self-improvement, guilt reduction, relationship dynamics, and emotional well-being.

"Love, love, love. A must read!" Read more

"...He’s an amazing speaker, and seems like a genuinely nice guy...." Read more

"...have at least average emotional intelligence, and genuinely care for each other at some level...." Read more

"...There is also a helpful discussion on forgiveness. But I think the book is significantly imbalanced...." Read more

58 customers mention "Control"58 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate how the book helps them understand their control is within themselves and how to organize their lives, with one customer noting it offers great insight into setting boundaries.

"...This book defines boundaries and explains why they are needed and how to set them, with detailed examples...." Read more

"...Maybe one of the books I've highlighted the most. Both practical and freeing. However, 2 complaints:..." Read more

"Enlightening and Freeing..." Read more

"...helped me improve my relationships, reduce stress, and feel more in control of my life...." Read more

382 customers mention "Religious content"209 positive173 negative

Customers have mixed opinions about the religious content of the book, with some appreciating its biblical basis and Christian perspective, while others find it too focused on religious elements.

"...I LOVE the fact that this is biblically based because even Jesus set boundaries...." Read more

"...this book were very helpful, but I was surprised that this was a Christian book...." Read more

"...Great balance between instruction, biblical references and stories." Read more

"Very religious..." Read more

50 customers mention "Value for money"34 positive16 negative

Customers have mixed opinions about the book's value for money, with some finding it worth the price while others consider it a waste of money.

"...It's hard learning at 30 what you should've learned at 3 but it's worth it. And this book will definitely help if you're ready to unlearn...." Read more

"...It is worth the money." Read more

"...societal norms or create real connections with others, this book is of limited value. ******..." Read more

"Valuable and informative" Read more

Boundaries book
5 out of 5 stars
Boundaries book
This books is one of the best books I have ever read. It teaches how to set boundaries while at the same time sharing biblical quotes. This book should be in every household.
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on February 28, 2013
    DR HENRY CLOUD has been a guest speaker at my church on more than one occasion over the years. He’s an amazing speaker, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. When I heard about BOUNDARIES: WHEN TO SAY YES, WHEN TO SAY NO – TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE by DR HENRY CLOUD AND JOHN TOWNSEND, I decided to purchase it.

    I’m sorry to say I let it sit on my bookshelf for some time before finally reading it. Once I got started, I quickly realized what a treasure I’d stumbled upon. There’s so much good stuff packed into 304 pages, I can’t begin to cover it all. I will say that I have more dog-eared paged in BOUNDARIES, then I do in any other book I’ve ever owned.

    I didn’t realize I had boundaries issues until I read this book. There wasn’t a chapter I didn’t get something out of it or couldn’t connect with. I had thought about skipping the section on “Boundaries and Work”, since I’m no longer in the work field. I would have missed out if I had. It was a real eye opener to when I had worked, and packed with wonderful information if I ever decided to return to working.

    Boundaries are needed in all parts of our lives including, our family, friends, spouses, kids, and those we work with. We as individuals need to set our own boundaries as well. To not do so would only be cheating oneself. We also need to recognize that God has boundaries as well.

    BOUNDARIES will teach you all you need to know about boundaries in all aspects of your life, and how to apply them properly. I love the reference to Christianity, but even if you’re not a believer, I highly recommend this book.

    My copy of BOUNDARIES is filled with highlights, parentheses, and astericks. If I had to pinpoint the most valuable piece of information I took away, it would have to be in a paragraph on page 89.

    “What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.”

    What amazing advice. How often do we gripe and groan about others? How often do we try to change others, whether in the way they act or what they say? And more importantly … how often do our efforts have a positive result? On page 89, BOUNDARIES teaches us that we are the ones that need to make a change, and by doing so, we may be instrumental in changing other’s life.

    I can’t even begin to guess how many people I’ve recommended this wonderful book too, packed full of knowledge for every person, written in a way that anyone can grasp. It’s a book that will remain in my home indefinitely.
    17 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on December 11, 2024
    This book is a game-changer! Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend provide practical and compassionate guidance for anyone struggling to set boundaries in their personal or professional life.

    The updated edition includes insights into modern challenges like digital boundaries, which I found particularly relevant. The authors use relatable examples and a straightforward writing style that makes the concepts easy to grasp and implement.

    What stood out to me most was how they emphasized that boundaries are not about shutting people out but about taking responsibility for your own well-being. It’s empowering to realize that saying "no" is not selfish—it’s essential for healthy relationships and a balanced life.

    I also appreciated the integration of biblical principles, which added a layer of depth for me. However, even if you’re not religious, the lessons are universally applicable.

    This book has helped me improve my relationships, reduce stress, and feel more in control of my life. Highly recommend to anyone looking to reclaim their time and energy while building stronger, healthier connections with others.
    15 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on April 8, 2025
    This is a really great book for people who need to understand how to put boundaries up. Most of us don’t and so we are constantly saying yes to things because we feel we have to even though we just don’t have the time or even the desire to do them! As a society we are taught to be accommodating, but there is a limit and most of us have no idea how to nicely say, “No, I can’t make 35 extra cupcakes for the PTA at the last minute because someone else is suddenly sick.” Because we would feel guilty. There just has to be a happy medium and this book tells us that first of all it’s okay to say no and how to go about it. Well written, anecdotal and interesting.

    It was also delivered on time, and in brand new condition!
    8 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2025
    Excellent book w wealth of knowledge and insight
  • Reviewed in the United States on April 20, 2025
    Definitely one of those game changer books for the people pleasers, those who give so much but end up resentful because other's do not do the same in return. This book spoke to many of the experiences i have faced including one-sides friendships and allowing myself to be taken advantage of to the point of leading to depression. I have set many boundaries with courage and it has brought a lot of peace. I learned the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation and how to avoid and address the guilt that comes with saying no. I was confused by the use of certain scriptures where it felt the meaning was stretched to fit the narrative in some places so I reduced by one star but that did not take away from being able to learn and apply the principles in this book. Thank you to Dave Ramsey for dropping this book as a recommendation.
    7 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on August 5, 2025
    This is a must read book for everyone whether dealing with someone you are dating or a spouse or your children. So essential we have boundaries in our relationships. A great book to also give to a friend or your children. Easy to read and understand. I was having a very difficult time with a relationship when this book was recommended to me by my counselor. Buy it. Read it. Put boundaries in place.

Top reviews from other countries

  • Jenni
    5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful book! Must read
    Reviewed in Australia on March 27, 2022
    So well written and applicable!! I want to give this book to so many of my friends. A real insight into people's behavior and an aid in dealing with people.
  • Make-A-Holic
    5.0 out of 5 stars Old Dog learned something new.
    Reviewed in Spain on April 14, 2025
    I needed this book when I got married. WOW!!!
  • Swapnil verma
    5.0 out of 5 stars Eye opener!
    Reviewed in India on May 17, 2024
    The book is a real eye opener... makes you question the accepted "normalcy" in relationships...
    I recommend everybody should read it
  • Matt
    5.0 out of 5 stars Thank God for this book! This is the Christian message no one ever taught me!
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 1, 2019
    I’m only half way through and this book is blowing my mind! I keep reading a few paragraphs and have to put the book down huffing as I try to absorb what I have just read.

    This is so challenging and is reshaping 36 years of indoctrination. I have been taught that to be a good Christian, a good friend, a good daughter and a good person, I must constantly deny myself, repent of my emotions, put others first, always focus on the needs of others, NEVER talk about how I feel or challenge anyone on how they are behaving because that would be selfishness, arrogance and create conflict which is the opposite to the biblical command to live in peace with everyone.

    I have burnt out trying to live like this and I desperately needed a different world view but at the same time I am terrified of being selfish, immature or not reflecting God’s love and generosity because I want to please God more than anything.

    Thank you God for this book! I think I will need to read it a second and third time to really absorb it all but I can see glimmers of a peace and freedom I’ve never had before. A life where I can enjoy being loved by God without feeling I have perpetual let him down by not showing enough grace or generosity. A life where I can draw my own boundaries in relationships without feeling I have denied my responsibility to be the hands and feet of Jesus. A life where I can let others make their own decisions without fearing that I will have to rush in and clear up the pieces.

    I am so grateful to God for this book!
  • becca
    5.0 out of 5 stars The most profond and practical book that I’ve ever read !
    Reviewed in France on August 15, 2024
    I see myself so accurately in this book, struggling with boundaries and experiencing overwelms as a result. I am fully convinced by the necessity of growing in boundaries. And I learnt the very practical steps to make that happen. This book is trully inspiring and helpful, a must read for everyone who struggles with chaos and relational resentment.