Boy Crisis Deepening
Note: My longstanding review (posted August 27, 2019 under the title Mr. Mom?) inexplicably disappeared from this forum for the second time June 15, 2023. It held the top position with 149 "helpful" votes. It was restored March 10 under the title Boy Crisis Deepening, after disappearing in February 2023, after soaring to Top Review position (100+ Helpful votes). I am reposting the review (again) because the boy crisis continues to plague our society. I once was a boy, and I raised two boys. The Boy Crisis book (Farrell & Gray) is worth the read but could have penetrated root causes much more deeply. Erasing high-quality customer reviews that fully comply with guidelines is very unkind. I must have touched a nerve.
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Mr. Mom?
Like so many books of its kind, The Boy Crisis (Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It) describes the problem well, citing undeniable evidence (e.g., the gruesome spectacle of mass shootings and other male-induced social pathologies), but ends up hacking at the branches and failing to strike at the root. I fear the authors, partly for reasons of political correctness, the ivory-tower effect, and a genuine desire to appear sympathetic to women’s causes, fail to grasp the core dilemma. Simply put, in a modern feminized society, males need not apply. Boys can read the handwriting on the wall. They’re being out-graduated from college by women 3 to 2 and rapidly losing job-market share in nearly every profession. No longer needed as provider and protector, they’re demoralized. Muscle counts for little anymore. Modernity has propelled society beyond fish-and-bicycle analogies into the panacea of androgyny. But men can never pretend to be women as well as women can be women.
The final paragraph (p. 397) exposes the wishy-washiness that permeates much of this wordy book.
“The degree to which our sons become as free to be as they wish to be as our daughters are is the degree to which we will have taken a huge step — from women’s liberation to gender liberation.”
But men are not interested in being liberated from their gender. They want to be men. They like chivalry. They’re not inanimate objects to be socially engineered. They have male spirits. Liberation sounds so egalitarian and grandiose, but the basic biological composition of male and female remains the same despite 10,000 years of social evolution. Simply put, a woman can have a job or baby. A man can have a job or die. A man’s sex drive, especially an adolescent boy’s, is 10x that of a woman’s. The urge to mate, ala Braveheart, is wired in nearly every boy’s DNA. This pressing reality is acknowledged but never really broached. Instead, the theoretical interchangeability of male and female is promoted as if men are NOT from Mars and women are NOT from Venus (in spite of
John Gray’s contribution as a co-author with Warren Farrell).
The book does, however, provide useful advice and some startling observations. The Wage Gap myth is debunked: “…women who have never been married and never had children earn 117 percent what their male counterparts do,” and “women are promoted more quickly.” And this: “Today, fertility doctors report that 80 percent of aspiring parents would prefer a girl.” Who has more power in the home? “Even ‘in dual-income couples,’ they report, ‘it is the woman who has more say, regardless of whether she earns more or less than her partner.’”
I like the suggested Family Dinner Night discussion topics (e.g., role mate/soul mate, sex as destiny, Hollywood images, high pay is a toll road) although it is recognized that substantive communications are preempted by the Achilles’ Heel of walk-on-eggshell pretensions from thin-skinned individuals who cannot stand the tension of truth without becoming defensive. Solution: “Altered Mindsets.” Sounds good in theory, but what about minds that refuse to be reset, male or female, due to immaturity?
Perhaps the greatest disappointment was the glowing endorsement of the character-building virtues of the Boy Scouts (my sons and I are Eagle Scouts) which let me down with this carefully word-smithed conclusion: “As of 2018, of course, girls have the option of learning all of these as the
Boy Scouts opens its doors to girls.” Of course? I was wondering at this point if the authors have a clue to the true source of the boy crisis, namely, the female invasion of what heretofore was a boy’s sacred turf. Have the authors heard of the Girl Scouts? Are the Girl Scouts admitting boys? No. So long as women have exclusive communities, men must too. Symmetry demands it. Social wisdom supports it.
Perhaps the best part of the book was the frank discussion of damage caused by “psychologically divorced” marriages where one or both parties feel like they’re trapped in a “minimum-security prison.” The kids in these families are the last to be fooled. Sadly, this sort of phoniness is epidemic with couples who do the hard work of honoring their contractual agreement to keep up appearances and avoid the stigma of becoming a divorce statistic. Some discussion on the distinction between love and control would have strengthened this important topic.
Far too much of the book suffered from a dispassionate clinical treatment of human emotions, spirituality, and sexuality. Sexual fantasy is the involuntary preoccupation of testosterone-directed adolescent boys (I know because I once was one), yet the consequence of this biological reality is conspicuously absent from the book. Dating, marriage, and fertility are in steady decline, but it’s not because boys have suddenly lost interest in girls. Hardly. It’s because girls would rather marry a career. This phenomena is well-documented. Now we’re reaping the whirlwind.
That we are suffering a boy crisis is abundantly clear; countdown 3…2…1 to the next bloody mass-shooting melee. This book is well-worth the read for anyone who has a son or grandson. But androgyny (though the word is never used) is not the solution. The final paragraph continues: “…not a women’s movement blaming men, nor a men’s movement blaming women, but a gender liberation movement freeing both sexes from the rigid roles of the past toward more flexible roles for our future. It will require a cultural shift that leads with the understanding that both sexes are in the same family boat.”
Okay, sure, but that statement still leaves boys wondering where they fit in. Truth is, modernity means women (and society) no longer truly need men (except for dangerous jobs). Online sperm banks offer next-day delivery. Boys lack the multiple options that women enjoy. Women can learn to roughhouse with their sons (to inoculate them against adversity…kudos) more readily than men can become pregnant. The boys feel desperation in their bones. Sexually frustrated boys would take the girls back to the Stone Age if they could be in charge again. I contend that today’s mass-shootings (the canary in the coalmine) are motivated by gender-displacement rage, mis-projected onto immigrants, minorities, and other hapless scapegoats. It’s an unanticipated consequence of the feminist movement, not a reaction to the absence of a Wall.
The Mr. Mom (aka Father Warrior) model is more theoretical than realistic. Just imagine a Dad talking to his adolescent son as follows:
Son, it’s time we had the talk. With all the bright women in the workforce competing with you head-to-head, we know how tough it is now. If you think you don’t have what it takes, we want you to know it’s alright if you use your sexual charms and soft-skills to marry an alpha-female (Doctor/CEO) who makes the bucks while you stay at home full-time to raise her babies and tend the home-fires. That way you can save face and avoid becoming depressed or suicidal.
Sounds preposterous, but that hypothetical vignette illustrates role-reversal marriage. Consider that the Mr. Mom (movie) mom was a mom by accident, not intentionally. Most unemployed fathers are divorced by their wives.
I think we underappreciate uteruses. The uterus is more powerful than the gun. Boiled to its essence, it’s a question of who possesses a uterus. First-stage feminists were in denial they did, so they could enjoy the privilege of work. Now, first-wave father-warriors are in denial they don’t, so they can avoid the burden of work. Nuts. Do we live to work, or work to live? Can a man breastfeed a baby?
The Boy Crisis could have been so much more if the authors removed the gloves and admitted that the marriage institution is at risk of disappearing within a few generations due to obsolescence. Boys are hungry for purpose. But having boys act more like girls will not cut it. The solution will require the cooperation of women. I don’t see that happening in the MeToo era. Even the authors concede that women’s liberation has more to do with Girl Power than equality. Furthermore, equality does not mean equivalency. I’ve yet to see the first Boy Power T-shirt. Increasingly, women will have to marry down or not at all. Role-reversal marriage typically is unsatisfying to both parties. Goes against nature. And there’s no evidence that females exercise greater emotional maturity than males. If fragile egos are our Achilles’ Heel, then lust for power is our greatest vice. Make no mistake, boys and girls are locked in a power struggle.
We’re in denial that now we’re raising our daughters to exercise the same three options as our sons: Make money. Make money. Make money. Brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, are banging heads. Competitors usually become enemies. We’ve yet to hit bottom. I’m waiting for someone to define the new complementarianism. The authors got it right when they wrote the boy crisis is a problem created by a solution. Modernity is not all upside. “New freedoms create new problems.”
Look for my debut novel, The Ancient Cedar, which I hope to release by year’s end (Amazon Direct Publishing).
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This book will probably contribute to the boy crisis not help it
Reviewed in the United States on April 17, 2023
This book was completely self contrary! The things the authors suggest to help with the boy crisis have zero evidence they will actually help boys/young men. And many things they suggested actually have evidence to show that it is a horrible "solution" that won't actually work. The book is about the boy crisis but they fail to ever actually address how male biology plays a role in the problems boys are facing and that is part of why girls aren't facing these problems! I'm frustrated I spent money on this book. I normally give my books away to friends after reading them but this will definitely be going in the trash.
Reviewed in the United States on April 17, 2023
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Top reviews from other countries
Jay Fantom
A much needed book for all to read!
Reviewed in Australia 🇦🇺 on February 23, 2023
Altamira Noadia
Temática ultra relevante.
Reviewed in Brazil 🇧🇷 on September 13, 2018Daniel L Vankov
Very relevant on matters, swept under the carpet for years
Reviewed in Australia 🇦🇺 on July 17, 2019
