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About Paul Moser
A young man in full rebellion against his Catholic education is swept up not by an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but to something every bit as powerful and potentially destructive: the overwhelming state of ecstasy brought on by his single-minded drive to live a solitary, ascetic life.
Grappling with an affluent but empty upbringing, he stumbles upon what he comes to call the “atomic weapons” of eastern religious practices and is ultimately confronted with not only devastatingly pleasurable sensations arising from solitary meditative practices and self-denial, but also with their inexplicable, sudden loss.
From a suicidal low point, he manages a slow recovery with the aid of a thoroughly unusual collection of saviors, including a brilliant young nun, an enigmatic old restaurant owner and his wife, and a fiery French lover. It is a decades-long journey from the despair of irreparable loss to the blossoming of acceptance.
The fact is, you’re probably not aware that someone is out there working overtime to keep you safe from the worst drinks ever devised, worse even than a kale martini or a Chlamydia on the Beach.
And it’s okay to admit it, because you’re not alone. So little is known about the dark world of alcohol espionage that very few have heard the story of the Flavor League: that hearty band of connoisseurs, idealists, nerds, and adult delinquents who, armed with nothing but their wits and a few impressive examples of cutting-edge pharmacology, strive tirelessly to safeguard the quality of the lubricants you rely on daily to cope with brutal first-world problems.
The story is emphatically not a dry history, some laundry list of exploits, removed from the daily lives of flesh-and-blood humans with real liver and kidney issues. In fact, it features two people real enough to stumble through the messy beginnings of a love affair while becoming legends in the field of ethanol policing: one a brilliant if somewhat erratic member of the League, the other a maverick tasting genius whose passionate hatred of vodka transforms the world of drinks. Two people who give new meaning to the word “courage”. Also to the words “weird” and “obsessive.”
So let me invite you to settle in with a bottle or two of your favorite libation, and drink your way into the somewhat woozy heart of wine and spirits justice, the battle against hucksters and flavor chemists and alcohol evil-doers of every stripe, including the ruthless ringleaders of UNIVOD, the shadowy organization whose iron fist controls modern Russia and its vodka supply, and at one point nearly that of the rest of the world, too.
How were the nefarious plans of these blackguards foiled? What’s the best mineral water for a hangover? How do they get that horrible red color into those cherries? We’ve got a double shot of answers for you in this book: often shaken, sometimes stirred, sometimes even on the rocks—but always with a twist!
So once you’ve got a soul—what next? How to train it? What to feed it? When to keep it heavily sedated and when to chain it up like a junkyard dog? This is where The New Revised Catechylsm provides solid information, in much the same way that its predecessor has always provided so many thrills and unexpected panic attacks for generations of young and old alike. The answers are all here.
Want to know why God made you, so you have a snappy comeback when family members question your value as a human being? We’ve got you covered. Want to know why the Holy Ghost appears so often as a dove, and is never very happy about it? Check. How about getting the inside story on how all those New Testament clothes draped so beautifully on Jesus and his peers? Well, okay, we’d like to know that secret, too, and we’re working on it.
In this book you will learn what happens when you die and your body decomposes like a Sarah Palin speech under scrutiny. You will find practical hints about the best neighborhoods in Heaven and how to land the celestial mansion of your dreams that would have all your neighbors green with envy—if envy were not strictly outlawed in Heaven. Using easy-to-follow, unbelievably rigid memorization techniques, The New Revised Catechlysm carefully explains how to avoid mortal sins like lust, anger, jealousy, and even idolatry, without having to actually die or slip into a coma.
This book is timeless—it never seems to end—and a genuine treasure trove for those whose treasure is laid up not in a storage locker near a highway frontage road, but in Heaven, where HDTV and iPods cannot corrupt it. Because we were too lazy to do anything else, it is organized in the classic, unimaginative tri-partite form found in the old catechism:
First, an insightful, line-by-line analysis of the Apostles’ Creed, conveniently condensed into the Speed Creed (or Credo Speedo, in Latin).
Second, a survey of the Ten Commandments that includes a Wine Spectator rating (81 points: “Solid advice but somewhat lacking in nuance”), and that highlights the great value of the durable stone tablet format, which eliminates the need for an extended warranty.
And third, a frolic through the joys of the seven sacraments, those rituals that over the centuries have provided spin-off ceremonies beloved in their own right, such as pre-nuptial agreements and the Hokey-Pokey.
The New Revised Catechlysm is a book you will cherish for your lifetime. Or least until another James Patterson or Robert Ludlum doorstop is released.
Of course it's more than just punch lines: there's its educational slant, too! Like discovering how certain pirates can be natural capitalists, and how organic pixie dust is made. Best of all, you learn how Tinker Bull's restless, gutsy temperament spurs her companions to risk their grim, tepid comforts for the barest chance of realizing their hearts' desires.
It is satire that cuts close to the skull-and-crossbones of organized religion, capitalism, academia, and the media.