- Paperback: 272 pages
- Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; Updated edition (May 12, 2009)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0061744603
- ISBN-13: 978-0061744600
- Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars See all reviews (67 customer reviews)
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #57,598 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition) Updated Edition
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From Publishers Weekly
This is an extremely helpful book that both parents and teachers can use to deal with bullying, an aspect of school that the author feels "is a life-and-death issue that we ignore at our children's peril." Staring with a bottom-line assumption that "bullying is a learned behavior," Coloroso (Parenting Through Crisis) wonderfully explains not only the ways that the bully, the bullied and the bystander are "three characters in a tragic play" but also how "the scripts can be rewritten, new roles created, the plot changed." For each of the three "characters," she breaks down the behavior that defines each role, analyzes the specific ways that each character can have their behaviors changed for the better, and suggests a range of methods that parents and educators can use to identify bullying behavior and deal with it effectively. The book also provides excellent insights into behaviors related to but not always recognized as bullying, such as cliques, hazing, taunting and sexual bullying. And while there have been numerous books about bullies, this volume is perhaps best for its sections on the "bystander," the person whose behavior is too often overlooked or excused. Coloroso's emphasis on aikido-related defensive skills do not sufficiently address the issue of what a child is to do when physical force is necessary to stop a bully, but overall this is an important look at the ways that bullied children can affirm their dignity and self-worth.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
“An extremely helpful book that both parents and teachers can use to deal with bullying.” (Publishers Weekly)
An important look at the ways that bullied children can affirm their dignity and self-worth (Publishers Weekly)
“If you are a parent or teacher, you should read this book. (Education Today)
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*what bullying is and what it isn't
*the three kinds of bullying
*the differences and similarities between boy and girl bullies
*how to read the subtle clues that a child is being bullied
*seven steps to take if your child is a bully
*four abilities that protect your child from succumbing to a bully
*why zero tolerance policies can equal zero thinking
*why contempt, not anger, drives bullying, and how to confront this in bullies.
1) It shows the bully what he/she has done wrong.
2) It gives him/her ownership of the problem.
3) It gives him/her a process for solving the problem he created- restitution, resolution, and reconciliation.
In Chapter five of her book Barbara Coloroso covers the different types of families you have:
The Brick-Wall family-
in essence is a dictatorship of control,obedience, adherence to rules, and strict hierarchy of power.
The Jellyfish family-
lacks a firm structure that is permissive
and a laissez-faire atmosphere prevails.
The Backbone family-
the parents don't demand respect they demonstrate and teach it.
The family structure that every family should be striving for is the backbone family. According to Coloroso children learn to question and challenge authority that is not life-giving.
-They learn that they can say no.
-They learn that they can listen and be listened to.
-They learn that they can be respectful and be respected
The most important thing that children of backbone families learn is to love themselves and have empathy for others.
Parents according to Coloroso must develop for their children a network of support through six critical life messages given every day:
1) I believe in you!
2) I trust you!
3) I know you can handle life situations!
4) You are listened to!
5) You are cared for!
6) You are very important to me!
7) It leaves his dignity intact!
Discipline according to Coloroso is a constructive and compassionate response to bullying that takes into consideration the intent, the severity of the deed, and the restorative steps needed to help the bully take on a new, more prosocial role.
Discipline is not judgmental, arbitrary, confusing, or coercive. It is not something we do to children. It is a process that gives life to learning; it is restorative and invites reconciliation. Its goal is to instruct, teach, guide, and help children develop self-discipline.
This book was very eye-opening for me on the damage that is done to the bystander who does nothing to help the victim. Often the victim gets over the physical hurt before the bystander ever loses the emotional trauma. This gives excellent ways to strengthen your kids and help build a more respectful world.
Recently, a woman in her 80's shared that she still felt guilty for not stepping forward when classmates teased and bullied a child in the fourth grade.
The basis for a balanced life is being kind, thoughtful and having respect for all.
Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, author of Out of Balance?: Be a Bounce Back Person